cause if I'd never seen your face...

i don't know what i'm doing anymore. i feel completely helpless. i don't know how it happened, but suddenly my whole life is in a tailspin, and i'm helpless to get myself stabilized again. this is not how it was supposed to be. i feel completely suffocated, like my environment is stagnant. i'm always restless wherever i'm at, anxious to get onto the next thing, when usually i don't have a next thing. i hate the routine. i'm so sick of driving and working and smoking butts and sleeping a few hours and waking up tired and driving again. i don't know what i want anymore.

two days ago i had a long conversation with CF and he cried a lot, so did i. he cried and told me how he was feeling, how he has no idea how he was feeling, how he wanted to understand how he was feeling. he said he's going to try to get some help, he hopes his insurance will cover at least some of it, he just needs a professional to help him sort out the mess in his head, and that he needs me to stay with him while he's working himself out. but really, i'm all out of strength to give him. i need to take care of myself. all my life i've been like a sponge, soaking up all the wrong in other people around me, taking in every shitty thing they've ever done to me and normalizing them all. i can't fucking take it anymore. i can't absorb any more of it.

i can't help him to understand himself because i don't know who i am. i don't know where i'm going or how i'm going to get there. i don't know what i want, i don't know what the FUCK i'm doing. i don't know how to make myself happy anymore. all of the sudden i don't have any answers. i can't just go on doing whatever, living like normal, hanging out with people and having fun and getting shit done for myself. i've lost the motivation to even breathe. it always feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. am i having panic attacks? i don't even know what's wrong with me. i fucking hate everything now.

i hate new bedford, i hate the drive to get here, i hate wanting to leave all the time.

i hate my new shaw's, i hate all the brain dead people i have to work with, i hate my new apartment, i hate having to sleep alone, i hate the fucking kittens and having to worry about them all the time, i hate having to take care of myself. i hate having to do my own laundry and having to pay for it, too.

i hate having bills and i hate not having any money, i hate having to ask for help all the time, i hate wishing i could go back to senior year and do everything all over again. i hate wondering if i could move back in with my parents and hate the thought of moving back in with my parents. i hate that CF lives with his parents now.

i hate wanting to move to california and being afraid i'll never get there. i hate knowing there's a distinct possibility that there's nothing out there for me.

i hate the blackstone valley, i hate seeing people i went to school with who are now successful and happy. i hate not having any friends. i hate knowing people are out having a great time and haven't thought to all me to see if i wanted to come along. i hate a certain someone who left for the summer and still hasn't bothered to call to let me know she's ok. and i hate knowing that she'd just say, "well the phone works both ways" because I'M not the one who left. i shouldn't be the one to call.

i hate my stupid phone and how it's broken again, i hate not being able to get up and leave whenever i want. i hate how nothing ever goes my way. i hate being hungry, i hate having to eat, i hate wanting sushi every night and not getting it.

i hate not having any good pictures of myself.

i hate country music and how i listen to it all the time and how much of a poser i feel like when i pull up someplace with the windows down and the music up. i hate missing emo and not missing emo. i hate feeling disloyal to WBRU.

i hate how it's been almost a whole week and still nothing, no word, no emails or phone calls and i STILL don't know what happened. i hate how you always say you'll get a hold of me and then you never do. i hate waiting and wondering what you're going to do. i hate how you're noncommittal about EVERYTHING.

i hate being stuck in this fucking rut and not knowing how to pull myself out of it. i don't know what the fuck i'm doing! i have no direction! i want to just run away from everything and start over, but then i don't even know how to do that, or who i'd want to start over as, or where i would go, or how i would get there. i can't stand not having all the answers. i just want to be happy and i don't know how to do that for myself anymore. i just want to be irresponsible and go and do whatever and not have to worry about the consequences. i want to be 16 again. i don't even know if that would solve anything.

and i hate how you all think i'm whining when i'm really on the verge of a nervous fucking breakdown and don't know what else to do. i'm falling apart. i can't breathe.

- LeAnn Rimes "Probably Wouldn't Be This Way" -

and I keep my Christmas lights on, on my front porch all year long

you should all be ashamed of me. i'm going to see kenny chesney on the 23rd... and K-Dawg - can i still borrow your hat? and how much would you love me if i managed to get it signed, too?

...

what the fuck? how are you going to leave me hanging like that? you can't just start telling my something so important and then stop before you get to the ending. i don't care HOW busy you are. there is no excuse for this. and you're on friggin vacation now. call me or send me a damn email to let me know what's going on, even if it's nothing, at least i'll know.

...

there's a big monitor that hangs on the back wall of the service desk at my new store, a closed circuit television wired to the camera next to it. if you stand in front of the service desk, you can watch yourself on the screen. in full color. in like high-def. it's creepy. i miss the grainy black and white screen in the bookkeeping office in whitinsville. i try not to stand in front of the monitor here - i don't want it looking at me. i stand in the corner of the desk when there are no customers, out of view of the television's cold eye. it's there to deter would-be thieves or whatever, to stop people from robbing the desk. every time i turn around to get a customer a scratch ticket, i briefly wonder if i'm going to get shot in the back.

so four days ago a guy got shot over by monte park, at acushnet ave and russell street, during the fireworks display. that's walking distance from my house. i'm not really sure how i feel about that. i was driving home when he was getting shot, three times to be exact. new bedford is a funny town; the little cluster of old-timey mansions that my house is in is right next to the ghetto. i grew up in COWTOWN, ok? i've never had to worry about people busting caps all over the place. this is rediculous. i want to go back to riding one of my cows down to the general store to get food and whatnot. enough of this city living.

and i haven't even been here a month... (sigh)

...

oh and i'm back in Brandy and Monica mode again...

- Gretchen Wilson "Redneck Woman" -

close your eyes and I'll kiss you

wow... so...

and happy 4th.

...

this will be dull. i will not apologize. i am tired and i have to work in the morning.

so yesterday was one of the greatest in a long time... got to be a little redneck for the day (but now my poor shoulders and face are red!), saw an asshole c-list country singer perform a couple songs... but really it was the people that made it fun. went to Indian Ranch for the first time... man oh man. and some zany guy tried to teach us how to line dance. K-Dawg, Amanda-Pants, Sassafras and i had so much fucking fun... and i didn't even know any of the guy's songs. stuck around and then the pissed off American Idol wannabe signed my wife beater... left them and ended up at a bowling alley with CF. bowled three games ($35 friggin dollars later...) and went back to his house. i'd been nursing a headache all day, but almost as soon as we were in his room, i was just blindsided by it. my head hurt so bad i couldn't see. ended up staying at his house (there was no way i could drive like that), left this morning for new bedford. did some shit, drove back to whitinsville, chilled with CF and cleaned some more of the uxbridge apartment, my cell phone died. now i'm back in new bedford, tired as fuck, and i'm going to sleep now. maybe tomorrow i'll tell you all the things that were said today.

and i got a (real) kiss goodnight.

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Scar Tissue" -