I don't mind stealing bread

I have been away from this blog for awhile, mainly because I've been at a loss for words in many areas of my life.

Now, here again, I don't want to rage at anyone (who will likely never read this anyway), I don't want to express my extreme disappointment in some people I (wrongly?) consider my friends, I don't want to rehash old (but ongoing) worries, anxieties, frustrations, and fears.

If I'm going to get through this, it is going to be by remaining positive, afterall. So I thought I'd instead share a few small pleasures I have enjoyed in the past few weeks.

- humidity that wilted everything in sight, but helped my orchids bloom beautifully on the porch

- Yoshi and Beeb greeting me when I got home from work

- strawberry rhubarb pie that Tree ended up hating, so shucks, I had to eat the whole thing myself ;)

- resuming work on my WWII foot locker project

- the new kitty, Fiyero, still insisting on sleeping sweetly next to me

- preparing for a breathtaking Halloween

- a zucchini as big my foot

"but I can't feed on the powerless

when my cup's already overfilled"

- Temple of the Dog "Hunger Strike" -

it's sleeping in my memory

I'm feeling very overwhelmed today. Things were going great and then in the last week it all got fucked up.

I'm going to set aside, for the moment, the never ending nightmare that is my job. The CPT is never going to change; she'll be the worst boss/officer in existence right to my last day of orders. 353 days to go...

An ongoing issue at the back of my mind has been my parents' financial situation. Yoshi told me today they are behind on nearly everything and are now close to having the electricity shut off. It fucking kills me. My dad has his own construction business, and as home-buying slowed with the economy, so did building and renovations. What makes me so angry is that their situation is not their fault - they have not been irresponsible, they don't live beyond their means, they have not accumulated a ton of credit card debt, haven't spent lavishly on vacations or cars or anything. My dad just goes to work every day, pays his workers fairly, and my mother keeps the company books along with a part-time job. They are honest, salt-of-the-earth people who could not deserve less the situation they are in. But people aren't building much, and some jobs he'd started are now in limbo as the buyers ran out of cash. They are owed a good amount of money, but how can you tell that to the collection agency? And very few new jobs are coming in.

My dad asked Yoshi and I to fill out online applications for him to Home Depot, Lowes, etc because he's not good them and always gets frustrated. He's put his truck and motorcycle on Craigslist; it's the motorcycle that really hurts - it's such a big part of him. He's president of the Band of Brothers (Central Mass) Chapter of the Nam Knights. What does that mean for him if his motorcycle is gone?

I haven't talked to Tree, but I want to and am going to help. I know my parents won't take money from me, so I have to stick to bills that don't require me having to answer a lot of questions. I tried to pay their electric bill, but the company won't take payments over the phone, and I can't send a check without the account number. So I called the lumber company I know they have an overdue account at (almost $1100 I learned today) and paid $400. After I get paid this weekend I'm going to pay the rest. I don't know what I am going to say once my mother (who keeps impeccable books) realizes there is an unexplained payment. Hopefully she'll understand and just not say anything to my dad. Sometimes you do what you have to do, to take care of your family. I don't think I'm going to say anything to Tree, either.

There is another thing, but it's not really my story to tell. Perhaps I will be able to elaborate more later, but for now all I will say is that I love my sister and niece and would do anything to help them.

Then I found out today that the owners of my house, my big beautiful house, won't sell it for less than they paid - about $50,000 more than the house is currently worth. Our lease is up at the end of October and it makes me literally sick to my stomach to think of all the work we're going to have to do from now to then. Tree told the realtor we aren't interested in overpaying like a motherfucker, so she's going to look for other houses in the area. But shit - this place is fucking amazing, even with the work it needs. And we talked so much about plans for the garden next year, renovating different parts of the house, what our end vision for the place is... I just hope we can find something else, lakefront, so I don't regret losing this house for the rest of my life. We have put so much time and love into the house and yard already - we just planted 7 blueberry bushes like a week ago! I suppose that serves us right for getting attached to a house that wasn't ours, but fuck... I love this place so much I'm starting to cry over it again.

So in light of everything, maybe Tree and I should go back home? Gee, that's some timing, considering I just quit my GS job in MA and transferred into the New Jersey National Guard last Friday. Everything is awesome, right?

"and a rock feels no pain

and an island never cries"

- Simon and Garfunkel "I Am A Rock" -

well I'm a waste like you, with nothing else to do

First day without the husband (he's away on training for a week).

This is what I planned to do today:

- vacuum large rug in great room and shake out small area rugs

- repaint toenails

- begin moving my crap out of my barracks room and into our house (it's only been 9 months, stop rushing me!)

- throw away dead flowers and pick/buy new ones for the kitchen table

- schedule a hair cut for later this week

- laundry (always)

- sweep out guest bathroom and wash tub

- open windows and let some breeze in

This is what I managed to do today:

- you're looking at it. :/

"why are you alone,
wasting your time
when you could be with me,
wasting your time"

- Green Day "Sassafras Roots" -

are these times contagious?

So, yesterday was my birthday. (Happy birthday, me!) Tree was wonderful and decorated the great room for my birthday and got me a few thoughtful, photo-related gifts that incorporated photos I'd taken of our house and his garden. He also got me an ice cream maker but I totally bullied him into giving it to me early under the premise of making a batch before he left for AT - he's leaving in 2 hours and guess who never got around to making any ice cream?

Anyway, he was a great little husbandy and let me do anything I wanted for my birthday. We were originally going to spend the weekend away doing cool stuff, but there was some mandatory Army shit to take care of in the morning and then we had to go drop my car off at the Toyota dealership to get serviced/detailed/the-part-on-the-front-that-fell-off-like-the-day-I-bought-the-car-last-August-and-am-just-now-getting-around-to-replacing replaced. By the time we got back home it was nearly 1:00, so we decided it wasn't worth it to really go anywhere.

He made me my favorite lunch (a particular brand of organic mac & cheese - stop laughing!) and then I wanted to go check out a yard sale we'd passed on the way back from Toyota. Well, we ended up spending the rest of the afternoon cruising through all the twisting, eclectic lake-communities, hunting for yard sales. I found a ton of new clothes for Beeb (shirts, skirts, shoes, a winter coat, dresses, a sweatshirt, teeny jeans...), plus a pair of jeans for myself and two Halloween decorations, all for less than $15.

As it got later in the afternoon, most of the yard sales had been packed up, so Tree and I explored some more of the lake communities we hadn't seen before (there are like 10 lakes right near where we live). We've decided we live on the best lake. :)

We got home and Tree lit the tiki lights that line the walkway down to the lake and then we started a fire in the small firepit he built this week. While I puttered around doing laundry and odd chores, Tree started dinner (my favorite burritos, even though we just had them the other day) and made birthday chocolate cupcakes for me.

And although it was just a simple, low-key day, I had so much fun with Tree. He was so sweet and completely open do doing whatever I wanted, because it was my birthday, and it was important to him that I got to do what made me happy. And just driving around, pointing out yard sale signs and then turning down all the crazy streets looking for the actual yard sale (some signs went nowhere), just me and Tree without any stress, no worries, was just so, so great. It was, hands down, the best birthday I've ever had.

:)

So, the other day I got blog-tagged by bodoba!

This is what ya do:
1. Link to the person or persons who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random and/or revealing things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your post entry is up on your site.

So here we go, my 6 things (WARNING! Possible TMI ahead):

1. In general, I dislike having all my toenails painted the same color. I mean, what's the fun in that? So right now, from the far-left toe of my left foot to the far-right toe of my right foot, they are painted: orange, orange, orange, purple, purple, orange, orange, purple, orange, color-changing pink/yellow.

2. One of my nipples used to be an "innie." Like, it would wake up in cold weather and at other times (wink), but for the most part, it preferred to be a little cave. But then I got my nipples pierced and now all is right in the world.

3. I love watching medical-mystery type shows, like the Tree Man or Mermaid Girl. I'm both captivated and horrified. How easily any of these things could have happened to me!

4. While I don't anticipate giving up being a vegetarian, sometimes I miss the convenience of a restriction-free diet. Going out to eat is especially difficult - you can only eat so much salad/pasta.

5. Every time a lightning bug makes its way into my house, I catch it and make a wish while releasing it back outside.

6. I have never seen any of the Star Wars movies, nor do I have any desire to (I listed this one last in case you've now decided to stop being my friend; at least I made you read all my 6 facts so hopefully you'll make an fair decision and not base our friendship on a stupid 70's movie with lame hot-girl slavery, shitty special effects, regardless of how "groundbreaking" everyone says they were - oh and incest. So if you're choosing incest over being my friend, maybe I don't want to be your friend, either.).

I don't have very many blogspot-friends (so sad) so I'll just tag Meg.

"have I got a long way..."

- Collective Soul "Run" -

maybe it's just you're not enough for me

Ok, so I totally ripped this off from The Bloggess's advice column (sorry, Jenny!) but this was just too fucking awesome not to share.

SFW if you keep the volume low.



Or watch it on YouTube here. Best part of the video is at 1:35.

"like a penis, but reversible"

- Storm Large "(My Vagina Is) 8 Miles Wide" -

did it take long to find me?

So yesterday was a good day, a real nice end to these 12 days of leave - blueberry day! And some other cool things...

We slept in a little, then ate leftover pizza for a late breakfast/early lunch. After showers we headed out, first to Old Navy. For my military readers, Old Navy offers a military discount (with your ID, obviously) on the 1st of every month. Usually it's 10%, but in checking my receipt on the way out, I realized it was 30% yesterday. Kick ass.

After Old Navy we went next door to Bed, Bath and Beyond to try to find a glass carafe for Tree's lemonade (we've been keeping it in the fridge in a large flower vase that I bought at a yard sale for 50 cents... embarrassing...), but no luck.

Then on to the blueberry farm! I found DiMeo Farms online, in Hammonton, N.J., the Blueberry Capital of the World, and it seemed pretty cool, so there we went. What sweet people, I can't even tell you. Tree and I picked out 7 blueberry plants and I got a really neat rustic wooden hand-tray for carrying vegetables from the garden (so quaint it breaks my heart).


Before we left, the lovely blueberry lady gave us 8 poblano peppers to thank us for our business. Tree turned them into a superdelicious salsa when we got home (onions were store bought, tomatoes and additional peppers from our garden).

(a bit too much flash in that picture)

Got home and managed to get 4 of the plants in the ground before it got dark/we were tired. We still have to clear some more random wild crap away from the fence before we can get the other 3 plants in... tomorrow, hopefully. I also made a stick pile for Tree's eventual fire pit.

Then we made my favorite vegetarian sweet potato/bean burritos (don't hate until you've tried them) and I opened my birthday present early. My birthday is actually on Saturday, but Tree is going away for two weeks of training the very next day, and we wanted to enjoy my new toy a little before he leaves - an old fashioned ice cream maker!! I can't wait to get started. I'm going to at least try to make one batch before he goes back to MA.

And that was pretty much it. All in all a great day!

And now... I'm feeling very nervous about going back to work. It's really sad - the CPT makes me hate the Army a little bit. Words cannot describe what a terrible boss she is - she actually damages my self esteem. I dread going to work mostly because I healed so much over leave, and I don't want to go back to feeling like shit every day.

So I'm going to brainstorm a bit this week about my options, and I'm going to hang on to my Zen for as long as possible.

(crosses fingers)

"and if I ever lose my eyes,
if my colors all run dry
yes, if I ever lose my eyes
I won't have to cry no more."

- Cat Stevens "Moon Shadow" -