apathy has rained on me, now I'm feeling like a soggy dream

what is WRONG with me today? woke up and felt like a big pile of shit the moment i opened my eyes. not even noon and already i feel like this day is a waste.

maybe it's because i want too much. i WANT my fucking car back... i WANT my recruiter to cut orders activating me to this office so i can make more money, because i WANT to be financially stable enough to make this money monetarily worry-free... i WANT to fid a college that has my major and doesn't require a zillion credit hours BEFORE i can even apply (fuck you, SDSU)...

i know i'm whining. i just want to be with him. i want this to all turn out ok. i keep telling myself to calm down and breathe, but i can't help freaking out at the amount of variables in the equation. i don't know how to solve it. i'm no good at this.

and i HAVE the list of colleges offering my major that my guidance counselor gave me (that doesn't sound right... misplaced modifier, maybe? forgive me, Mrs. Jones...), all i have to do is get the number for the admissions office and call... but i'm so scares of doors slamming in my face that i've just been sitting here agonizing... SPINELESS! what a mess i've become. i need some fucking motivation.

(sigh)

ok. i can't stay like this all day or i'm likely to kill myself. so... well, it's too early to call any west coast colleges right now, anyways, so maybe i'll take a drive to clear my head. there are two places that allow me to think the best: in the shower (cliche?) and in the car, smoking a cigarette. i realize i can't go on smoking forever (too expensive!), so i'm going to have to amend that one, but for now... maybe i'll find MY epiphany...

love me...

- Green Day "Burnout" -