and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters and no pearls

you know i haven't even fully unpacked since coming home from maryland? subconsciously, i think, i'm contemplating NEVER unpacking, and just stuffing the boxes into my car and driving away into the sunset. like a damn cowboy or something. beautiful.

i have to get out of this place before i end up institutionalized. this can't be healthy. i want to claw my way out of my skin and attack someone and eat their brains and take over their body. sort of like the bug-thing from Men in Black.

and even if there isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that very well might exist only in my mind... it's not like i've never fallen on my face before.

hmmm...

on one side of the scale, i've got the unknown, the ethereal rainbow.

on the other side of the scale, i see every day of my life, each day exactly the same. fighting and working (slaving) and taking care of a 21 year old infant. cleaning up after him and waiting on his every need. alcohol-fueled wars raged over the most insignificant incidents. constant poverty due to his frivolity. depression. suicide.

(sigh) what am i WAITING for??

...how long has it been now? 22 days and counting...

"if you think you might come to california...

i think you should"

- Counting Crows "A Long December" -