where are you? and I'm so sorry. I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight

i have always been a strong believer in the idea that you cannot find love by searching for it. i've always imagined it kind of like getting a birthday gift from someone you were sure would forget, or like finding a winning scratch ticket on the ground... like it would just sort of fall into your lap and sit there looking up at you and say, "hi, it's me. it's love. i'm what you've been looking for." except you wouldn't really be WAITING, you'd be completely engrossed in something else, hopelessly busy and probably miserable. and then it would be a surprise.

and this love wouldn't be needy or demanding. and it wouldn't start arguments with you, so you wouldn't need to devote all of your time trying to fix your problems with it. love would be calm, and patient, and let you throw your fits sometimes, and just wait until you were done ranting to remind you how silly you sound. it would call you when it said it was going to, be where it said it was going to, and do what it said it was going to. it would tell you every day how important you are, how beautiful you are, how special you are. the thought of this love would give you goosebumps, set butterflies loose in your stomach, even after so long, even after 2 1/2 years. it would never get sick of you, and you most certainly would never get sick of it. you would wake up every morning feeling this love, feeling loved, and loving the feeling, and loving, just loving... and you'd be happy.

(sigh) those are just sub-beliefs. my core-belief is that love is not something you actively seek out. then WHY am i feeling so fucking needy? why so pathetic? my standards are lowering, i can feel it, and i hate it. i'm desperately LOOKING for someone (and it's turning into ANYone) to love me, who isn't Rico, who actually lets me speak when i want to.

i'm getting off topic. what i mean to say is that i'm disappointing myself by looking too hard and by lowering my standards.

they say the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem... but hopefully now that i've typed this out and cleared my head some, i can get myself back on track. because i don't deserve to be unhappy. someone special told me that and i believe him. and why him and not the others? i dunno. i guess it took a little love.

it all goes back to love.

...

riddle me this: why do i always refer to myself in the second person?

...

tonight i told him, "i hate you."

and meant it.

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -