hey, so glad you could make it

worst morning EVER! i would rant but i haven't the time nor the energy. i have to get to work for 5 so i can't stay long... just wanted to type down the thoughts that have been suffocating me all day.

talked to my Knight for a bit yesterday afternoon... it'll be nice to see him this weekend. i'm more appreciative of his willingness to listen to me bitch than he knows (misplaced modifier??). hmm... but what are we going to do tomorrow night? suggestions, anyone??

yeah, so, left HIS house this morning in tears, AGAIN... STUPID, STUPID! i keep telling myself, it's $3,000, but i'm starting to care less and less. maybe i should give up and just cut my losses now...? went home, changed quick, blow dried my hair, and left. the potential job inquiry went surprisingly smooth... now i'm left with the decision to switch jobs or not. as usual, still haven't finalized my master plan yet, but stay tuned...

drove from there to see K-Dawg... had "senior year: retrospective" over eggs and bacon at IHOP. it was a good time. talked about the people we've seen since we graduated, about the people we haven't seen, about the people we wish we've seen. i love hanging out with her because we don't always have to talk about the major problems plaguing us... it's nice to forget about them for awhile and get back into good old fashioned high school gossip. i'd been feeling pretty unloved until i got to her house, but she made me feel better, and the two of us laughed at how much of an idiot Rico is. see? nothing to stress about. i just keep losing my head. i need to calm down. anyways, i enjoyed reliving senior year with her, but thinking about it made me a little sad... life seemed so much simpler a year ago. i was gonna go away for training after i graduated, come back, get a good job, move in with Rico, get married, have a kid, and live "happily ever after."

no, actually, i probably would have KILLED myself if my life had worked out that way. thank you, my VIP, for opening my eyes, and for making me realize i DON'T have to be unhappy for the rest of my life. maybe there ARE people out there who can love me and care for me and treat me the way i should be treated. i need to find him... but i've already found the one i REALLY want...

NO! YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED? A FUCKING PHONE CALL OR EVEN A STUPID EMAIL LETTING ME KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! NOT SOME MYSTERIOUS COMMENT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AFTER ALMOST 4 WEEKS OF NOTHING! IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR TO LEAVE ME HANGING OUT HERE, NOT EVEN KNOWING WHAT I'M HANGING ON TO, IF ANYTHING AT ALL! I WANT SOME FUCKING GUIDANCE, SOME CLOSURE, SOME ANSWERS, WHATEVER! I CAN'T JUST FADE AWAY INTO THE BACKGROUND AND PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED BECAUSE I'M FUCKING GLAD IT DID AND I DON'T WANT TO LOSE WHAT I REALIZED I HAD IN YOU!

what's it like watching a train wreck as it happens?

FUCKING CALL ME!

"oh look at my face

my name is might have been

my name is never was

my name's forgotten"

- Hole "Celebrity Skin" -