30 July 2008

strangers down the line, lovers out of time

It starts out perfect - catch your breath, can't stand to be apart, hold hands, kisses in the car, late nights talking... then the good manners fall down, you start to resent quirks you previously found interesting... tempers become short, you forget how to compromise, grudges are held, you fall asleep angry... and finally you find yourself eating meals together in silence, because to open your mouth would be to invite a fight, and saying nothing at all is better than the screaming.

Why bother?

I travel too fucking much - I can't sustain a decent relationship from across the globe. And I'm not willing to give up this life I've made for myself. If it comes down to love or this life, this life wins hands down. And I'm not saying that the travel is everything - maybe I'm just not programmed for a long-term relationship.

I am about to move again - tomorrow, actually. I'm moving to New Jersey for a year (at least a year) unless I can find another deployment (but that's another conversation in itself...). I am moving despite only being home (really home) for a month... a week in Florida in June, last two weeks in Mississippi... so much time away from my own bed, the comfort of a whole house... so much time with my things in bags, packed in three drawers and a wall locker... and yet here I am, on the verge of another adventure... the whole highway stretched out before me... a long monotonous trip I've grown so fond of. And then - alone! A new place to live, more bags to live out of, yet another strange bed and yet again: feeling my way around a different place with people who don't know me.

(scared and) Alone.

(can I do this) Alone.

(don't want to be) Alone.

I work the word around my mouth like it were a marble... foreign, cold marble... cold... alone...

I miss us so bad it hurts. SobadIcan'tbreathesobaditfeelslikeImightexplodesobadIcan'tstopcryingsobadit'skillingme

"so please...
you know you're just like me.
next time I promise we'll be perfect.

- Smashing Pumpkins "Perfect" -