15 November 2004

all I need to know is that I'm something you'll be missing

so the days have been going and going, i've been running on my little hamster wheel, and here i still am, in my little glass aquarium in some kid's room.

recently my scenery has changed. i wake up cold every morning, stiff joints from sleeping on the couch, a hollow feeling from being alone. the floors are always freezing and i echo when i walk.

my mother commented to me more than a few times about my dad being home alone and leaving all the lights on and the tv going while he's using the computer and talking on the phone. it's like he's trying to make the house less empty, as if there are other people in there with him. she said he doesn't like to be alone. i guess this must be kind of hereditary, like a co-dependent gene or something, or maybe it's for that nurture/nature debate, or maybe i'm just a little needy. i leave all the lights on, too. i don't know...

i don't want to do this anymore. i've got no real place to call home.

- Taking Back Sunday "You're So Last Summer" -

25 October 2004

so low the sky is all I see

to do:

(in no particular order)

1. see financial aid/business office to square away tuition balance
2. mail out forms requesting GI Bill
3. write check for insurance company, find correct address and envelope, mail out
4. finish take-home midterm for interpersonal relationship class
5. shoot roll of film for class
6. take a shower
7. eat something (maybe??)
8. refill perscription
9. deposit money in bank account
10. continue to search for apartments, make more calls if possible
11. get gas
12. call Nibbey
13. meet landlord and view apartment i found in webster
14. find health insurance provider(s) and request information
15. call unit and verify Nov. drill date
16. email Rico to inquire about account/payment
17. remove alcohol from trunk and store in a to-be-determined location
18. curl up into ball and die

- Metallica "Low Man's Lyric" -

21 September 2004

I'm so much closer than I have ever known... wake up

missed my photography class this morning... ugh. oh well. stopped at dunkin donuts on the way and then k-mart and then did some laundry and took a shower. got my tube of haiku lotion that i haven't used in forever and moisturized my legs and felt better.

i'm not wearing a bra right now.

i dunno.

i was kind of thinking about a lot of shit on the ride up here and i've decided a few things need to happen before i can really be ok. we were talking in my car last night and i told him that while i've gotten over Rico, i haven't gotten over...

"what he did," CF said, finishing the sentence i couldn't.

and yeah, he was right. i realized it was exactly the feeling i've been struggling with but have been unable to pinpoint. Rico really hurt me and i haven't healed from it. it doesn't matter that there aren't any emotional attachments to him anymore, i'm still stuck on that FEELING, that vacuum that was created in my heart when everything was revealed. i don't think i've devoted enough time (or really, any at all) to healing it.

i'd love to share the rest with you, i really would, but suddenly i've been grasped by the urge to vomit, like literally. i don't know what's wrong with me. i almost never get sick... actually, i guess i'm sort of due, then. anyways, if you need me, i'll be in the bathroom. i'll try to come on later tonight and finish this.


- Green Day "Waiting" -

08 September 2004

the streets were wet and the gate was locked so I jumped it, and I let you in

what a strange weekend...

i was almost sleeping and he rolled over and touched my army and asked me if i got my phone calls. i asked him what he was talking about, what phone calls, and he told me he thought they were on lines one and two. we were at NC's house. later that night, i'm told, i asked him to go get my some cheese. i don't remember wanting cheese.

he told me he didn't want to fight with me and that december is further away than i'd thought. i think i stopped breathing. i wanted to cry. i didn't say anything, just rolled over so my back was to him and tried to breathe again. he moved over so he was against me and tucked his arm under mine and kissed the back of my neck. i fell asleep.

i asked him about it yesterday and he said he only meant that he wanted to make the best relationship better rather than good. it came out awkward, but i knew what he meant. it was sweet. i told him i loved him and hung up and went to bed.

- Dashboard Confessional "Hands Down" -

03 July 2004

a solar system that fits in your eye

spent all morning trying not to think about the sex... and don't even ask because i'm not going to tell you. just know that it was terrible, although i wouldn't admit it to myself at the time (sigh) how do i always get myself into these messes?

in other news, searched for and found tickets to THAT PLACE. you know where it is. i told you i was going. so that'll be a week... now i've just got to find a way to use up the rest of my summer. i can't stay here. i'm suffocating, really. and everywhere i go i'm reminded of him. i don't want to see this sad little town anymore, i don't want to wake up in my little claustrophobic room every morning, i don't want to base my existence around shaw's, i want to be able to go to a mall without seeing half of my graduating class and having to explain to them why i'm not in college yet. if i stay here any longer i'm sure i'll implode. people who graduate from douglas go to college for a year and then drop out, then spend the rest of their lives working for the douglas highway department, or at the ice cream store at Roland's, or at the waterslides. i don't want to be a townie. i want to be someplace where no one knows my name. i want to be ANONYMOUS, a shadow, unnoticed. i want to fade into the background. i want friends, of course, but i want to build my own world. that does no include having my breakups make the front page of the local paper. i want a snug little place where i can retreat and relax, and be happy.

and if i have to travel the country, the world, in order to find it? well i'm ok with that. i shouldn't have to sacrifice my happiness for convenience anymore.

he said i'm going places. i believe him.


have to go switch some money around at the bank and then those tickets are MINE!!!

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Parallel Universe" -

21 May 2004

but I still don't miss you yet

the computer at my house has a virus, so unit it gets fixed, my entries will be infrequent i'm afraid. sorry to my (dwindling) fan base...

i know it is friday, but let me tell you about my weekend. actually, the weekend itself isn't all that important, it's the details that made a difference.

so i went to cape cod for an assignment with this other guy from my unit. he has a... strange... sense of humor that i still haven't gotten used to. he's a former regular-army type, and the more i get to know him, the more i'm convinced he's got some cross to bear. he kept making mildly-sexist remarks directed at me, but just vague enough to make me wonder if i was overreacting. i'm not sure whether he's my new best friend or if i hate his superior "6 year AFN veteran"-yet-i'm-still-a-specialist guts. he says "bitchin" a lot.


he drives a shitty, nasty car. we stopped at starbucks and he got a coffee, too. he was sad that my frappuccino had chocolate chips in it and he didn't have any chocolate. he ordered his steak medium-rare. we took a long walk through this little outdoor mall (which reminded me eerily of maryland) and talked about books and who should control the nirvana catalogue. HE DROVE PAST A WRONG WAY SIGN IN A BANK PARKING LOT.

i hate him.

someone slap me.

- Three Days Grace "I Hate Everything About You" -

29 April 2004

like indecision to call you... and hear your voice of treason

ah yes, NOW i remember what a keyboard looks like.

(waves away dust cloud)

hope this thing still works...

so friday night SloB came back to massachusetts. he's stationed at Fort Drum in NY, but he lived here before he enlisted, and now that he's home from his year in afghanistan, he took leave and drove down here to see his family and friends.

let me interrupt to put out there that i HATE this man, and the only reason his worthless existence even enters my thoughts is because he's friends with Rico and BB for one, and two, he's married to one of my semi-friends from highschool, who is actually closer friends with K-Dawg. so i sort of have to accept the fact that he's alive.

so. friday night and i was at the apartment with Rico and BB and BB's latest weekend girlfriend, and SloB was supposed to be coming over later. i drank a few and fell asleep kind of early, maybe around midnight or so. i had to work saturday morning, so i didn't want to be too hung over / still trashed on my ride to work.

around 3 in the morning i am woken by loud obnoxious drunken yelling from the tv room. Rico sleeps through almost anything, so i punched him until he woke up and told him rather rudely to go see what the fuck was going on. so he got up, opened his door, and yelled down the hallway, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The Noisy Bitch, who was making all the ruckus, proceeded to yell back, "FUCK YOU, DUDE! IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT!" so then he yells back "FUCK YOU IT'S MY GODDAMN HOUSE! BE QUIET OR GET THE FUCK OUT!"

there was continued yelling back and forth between them after that until SloB intercepted. he stood in the doorway to the room we were in and tried to defuse the situation, promising to keep her quiet.

i found out from BB the next night that SloB's idea of keeping The Noisy Bitch quiet was by fucking her in BB's room. niiiiiice.


and by the way, i was contacted again two days ago by my Restricted Caller, previously mentioned a few entries ago. except she was posing to be someone else... the (instant message) conversation is as follows:

his sn: HEY
me: omg, hi
me: not much, you?
his sn: ___ IS PISSED AT ME
me: i coulda told you that after she fucking called me
his sn: i know
his sn: what do you think i should do?
me: about?
his sn: ___

[by this point i had realized that this was not the person they were claiming to be, due to typing style - all caps, then all lowercase - and the obvious lack of... i dunno... personal touch? this is not how you start off a conversation with someone you supposedly care about and haven't spoke to in two months without letting them know why.]

me: prove this is you
his sn: you go by elocin
me: more than that
his sn: like what?
his sn: look if you are going to give me a hard time also, i don't want to talk to you
me: i'm not
me: i just want to be sure you're you
his sn: just forget it
me: no
his sn: whatever
me: what diable2 character do i play with?
me: diablo2*

[long pause, no response]

me: nice try, whomever you are

[another pause, and then:]

his sn: how about the ring? prove anything...?
me: um, nope
me: look, i already told you i'd go away, i haven't called, haven't done anything. so there's no reason to harass me
me: and he ended up with the ring by accident, i sent an email with my address asking for it back, i don't know what else you want from me.


his sn signed off at 4:39:00 PM.

the mean side of me thinks i should have played along a little, or maybe told her all the things he's told me and what he's said about her. and maybe i won't have to wear this scarlet fucking A on my chest alone, because damn fucking straight i'm not the only person in the *wrong* here. and i'm sick of carrying the repercussions of our actions by myself.

how's that for a "growling puppy"???


ha! my dad just asked me about the scratches on my car, the ones from backing into the plow...

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -

23 April 2004

please tell me why... my car is in the front yard, and i'm sleeping with my clothes on

my sister and i washed my car in the driveway the other day when i was relatively warm out (65 degrees) and my dad came outside and sat on the steps and watched. he asked me about a little quarter-sized dent in the hood, and then claimed he could pick out a new dent or scratch on a car from quite a distance, even in the dark.

i wonder, then, how long it will be before he notices that i backed into his plow a few nights ago. for the west-coast portion of my audience, a plow would be an attachment for a truck or SUV which pushes snow off the road, out of the driveway, etc. you know, snow? white and fluffy? cold? falls from the sky?


- Lit "My Own Worst Enemy" -

21 April 2004

where are you? and I'm so sorry. I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight

i have always been a strong believer in the idea that you cannot find love by searching for it. i've always imagined it kind of like getting a birthday gift from someone you were sure would forget, or like finding a winning scratch ticket on the ground... like it would just sort of fall into your lap and sit there looking up at you and say, "hi, it's me. it's love. i'm what you've been looking for." except you wouldn't really be WAITING, you'd be completely engrossed in something else, hopelessly busy and probably miserable. and then it would be a surprise.

and this love wouldn't be needy or demanding. and it wouldn't start arguments with you, so you wouldn't need to devote all of your time trying to fix your problems with it. love would be calm, and patient, and let you throw your fits sometimes, and just wait until you were done ranting to remind you how silly you sound. it would call you when it said it was going to, be where it said it was going to, and do what it said it was going to. it would tell you every day how important you are, how beautiful you are, how special you are. the thought of this love would give you goosebumps, set butterflies loose in your stomach, even after so long, even after 2 1/2 years. it would never get sick of you, and you most certainly would never get sick of it. you would wake up every morning feeling this love, feeling loved, and loving the feeling, and loving, just loving... and you'd be happy.

(sigh) those are just sub-beliefs. my core-belief is that love is not something you actively seek out. then WHY am i feeling so fucking needy? why so pathetic? my standards are lowering, i can feel it, and i hate it. i'm desperately LOOKING for someone (and it's turning into ANYone) to love me, who isn't Rico, who actually lets me speak when i want to.

i'm getting off topic. what i mean to say is that i'm disappointing myself by looking too hard and by lowering my standards.

they say the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem... but hopefully now that i've typed this out and cleared my head some, i can get myself back on track. because i don't deserve to be unhappy. someone special told me that and i believe him. and why him and not the others? i dunno. i guess it took a little love.

it all goes back to love.


riddle me this: why do i always refer to myself in the second person?


tonight i told him, "i hate you."

and meant it.

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -

12 April 2004

so bring on the rain

...got most of my shit out of Rico's house this morning... all that's left there is my graduation gown and two pairs of shoes. i was too tired from the fight to climb back up the stairs to get them. i'll save THAT argument for another day.

i see now that it was stupid to even think some sort of a friendship could be salvaged from the hell we put each other through. he admitted to me the other day he'd liked L all along... that is, after i found a note to him from her confessing her undying love for him and asking him why he wasn't "trying." the noted ended with her concluding he could never be there for her emotionally, only "physically." tell me what that sounds like??

but you know what? i don't even care. and i'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt. it makes no difference whether they did anything or not. because i've grown pretty much indifferent to any new shit he throws my way, and i think that even if i found a tape of the two of them fucking, i would just laugh. they are both worthless human beings and they deserve each other.

so yes, stupid to imagine a friendship with him. a lot of things i've done have been stupid... and although everyone loves to tell me what's right for me (and don't get me wrong, i DO appreciate the support), the only way i'm really going to learn is by making mistakes and moving on. falling on my ass and getting back up.

i have to go to work.


my VIP... do you still love me?

- Jo Dee Messina "Bring On the Rain" -

09 April 2004

hey, so glad you could make it

worst morning EVER! i would rant but i haven't the time nor the energy. i have to get to work for 5 so i can't stay long... just wanted to type down the thoughts that have been suffocating me all day.

talked to my Knight for a bit yesterday afternoon... it'll be nice to see him this weekend. i'm more appreciative of his willingness to listen to me bitch than he knows (misplaced modifier??). hmm... but what are we going to do tomorrow night? suggestions, anyone??

yeah, so, left HIS house this morning in tears, AGAIN... STUPID, STUPID! i keep telling myself, it's $3,000, but i'm starting to care less and less. maybe i should give up and just cut my losses now...? went home, changed quick, blow dried my hair, and left. the potential job inquiry went surprisingly smooth... now i'm left with the decision to switch jobs or not. as usual, still haven't finalized my master plan yet, but stay tuned...

drove from there to see K-Dawg... had "senior year: retrospective" over eggs and bacon at IHOP. it was a good time. talked about the people we've seen since we graduated, about the people we haven't seen, about the people we wish we've seen. i love hanging out with her because we don't always have to talk about the major problems plaguing us... it's nice to forget about them for awhile and get back into good old fashioned high school gossip. i'd been feeling pretty unloved until i got to her house, but she made me feel better, and the two of us laughed at how much of an idiot Rico is. see? nothing to stress about. i just keep losing my head. i need to calm down. anyways, i enjoyed reliving senior year with her, but thinking about it made me a little sad... life seemed so much simpler a year ago. i was gonna go away for training after i graduated, come back, get a good job, move in with Rico, get married, have a kid, and live "happily ever after."

no, actually, i probably would have KILLED myself if my life had worked out that way. thank you, my VIP, for opening my eyes, and for making me realize i DON'T have to be unhappy for the rest of my life. maybe there ARE people out there who can love me and care for me and treat me the way i should be treated. i need to find him... but i've already found the one i REALLY want...


what's it like watching a train wreck as it happens?


"oh look at my face
my name is might have been
my name is never was
my name's forgotten"

- Hole "Celebrity Skin" -

07 April 2004

and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters and no pearls

you know i haven't even fully unpacked since coming home from maryland? subconsciously, i think, i'm contemplating NEVER unpacking, and just stuffing the boxes into my car and driving away into the sunset. like a damn cowboy or something. beautiful.

i have to get out of this place before i end up institutionalized. this can't be healthy. i want to claw my way out of my skin and attack someone and eat their brains and take over their body. sort of like the bug-thing from Men in Black.

and even if there isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that very well might exist only in my mind... it's not like i've never fallen on my face before.


on one side of the scale, i've got the unknown, the ethereal rainbow.

on the other side of the scale, i see every day of my life, each day exactly the same. fighting and working (slaving) and taking care of a 21 year old infant. cleaning up after him and waiting on his every need. alcohol-fueled wars raged over the most insignificant incidents. constant poverty due to his frivolity. depression. suicide.

(sigh) what am i WAITING for??

...how long has it been now? 22 days and counting...

"if you think you might come to california...
i think you should"

- Counting Crows "A Long December" -

31 March 2004

pour me something tall and strong

another long-ass blue-collar day at shaw's... fuck, i am TIRED! stupid old people spending their social security checks on damn lottery tickets... if i ever get that pathetic, do me the favor and shoot me.

took a nice long lunch around 12:30... went outside, smoked a cigarette and stared out at the rain. such a dreary, ugly day... matches my mood. i wish it were nicer out 'cause my car could use a good cleaning, but there's no way i'm going out to vacuum it in the rain.

so yeah, today sucked so far, but at least i worked with Tk today. she doesn't mind when my breaks run a little long, and she's so easy to get along with. a lot of the people i work with are morons, but Tk is great. i'm so glad i work days now... don't have to deal with the high school punks in the evening and all their bullshit. yeah. i hate people.


i really need to get out of this mood. i'm feeling completely uninspired today... this is the most un-profound entry i've written so far. what do i do? i don't know what the *right* course of action would be, but i'll tell ya what i'm GOING to do anyways, *right* or wrong... GET DRUNK! mmm, liquid dinner, i can't wait. i need to just get trashed and forget about all this shit. SOOO much on my mind... (sigh) don't even feel like getting into it. nothing new, mostly, just old wounds festering and developing gangrene. nasty. maybe i'll fucking drink hydrogen peroxide tonight to cleanse myself.

someone, please... love me...!

- Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett "Five O'Clock Somewhere" -

26 March 2004

we could live like jack and sally if we want

you know what? FUCK prince charming, AND his fucking horse, AND the fucking castle.

VIP, you still wanna know my fantasy?

i want a '79 ford pickup, powder blue with rust spots, and a broken tail light. i want to smoke my marlboro lights with the window rolled all the way down, year round... lots of sunshine, to match my hair. no more fucking rain clouds. and NO SNOW, ever! i want to listen to the eagles in the TAPE DECK and rock out, even at red lights when people driving next to me stare at me singing, and not give a shit. i want a loud exhaust, so everyone notices me drive by. i want to pump my own gas in a sundress and flip flops.

i want a guy who doesn't give a shit about my truck, or about cars in general. who offers to pump my gas for me. a guy who gives me goosebumps. i wanted faded blue jeans and a plain white tee on a slender but muscular frame. and work boots. maybe. taller than me. light eyes and short hair, an infectious smile. 

big hands, but gentle, capable of a good massage. clean fingernails, left handed.

i want a guy who whistles and who isn't afraid to sing. a guy who is happy more often than sad. who lets me take his picture. a guy who loves chocolate as much as i do and likes wasting a sunny saturday on the couch watching tv.

i want a guy i can ride a harley with, a guy who doesn't mind getting lost with me. a guy who lets me wear his shirts to bed and use his razor in the shower. who isn't afraid of sexuality. i want to make love on flannel sheets, no candles or rose petals, just some music in the background. lips all over me, fingers in my mouth. i want to cuddle when we're done and fall asleep curled together.

i want to talk about life and taking over the world and time travel at our kitchen table over a cup of starbucks coffee. i want him to call me princess, and i want to know i'm his number one.

i want a second floor apartment, small, but MY OWN. dark blue carpeting in my bedroom. granite tile in the kitchen, wooden cabinets stained golden brown. lots of windows. i want a high-pressure shower with glass doors and a seat inside, and a black radio on the counter. i want a fridge with an ice-maker on the door, and inside, a 6-pack of smirnoff ice. a nice set of china and stainless steel silverware. i want a little yard with healthy, green grass, and i want to walk through it barefoot. and when i come home from work, i want a grey and white cat named Basil to jump off the couch and rub against my leg.


where's my life going? and how do i get there? i just wanna be happy.

i need to RELAX!!!

"and we'll have halloween on christmas"

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -

22 March 2004

it's fun to lose and to pretend

...dusting off the keyboard...

haven't written in so long because, frankly, i've been too angry to say much of anything to anyone, much less type on a fucking computer to a faceless audience. and sometimes i feel like i'm only typing to myself. like i'm on a fucking island or something.


friday, in Rico's car, on the way to get alcohol for like the 4th time last week... in the middle of a huge fight already because i wasn't going to be drinking with him that night, and my cell rings. restricted. and i NEVER answer restricted calls. Nibbey is the only friend of mine whose number comes up that way, and she knows to dial *87 before calling me so her number shows up and i'll answer. so why did i think it would be a good idea to answer THIS call? maybe i wasn't thinking at all. maybe i just needed a break from the fight. but still, I NEVER ANSWER RESTRICTED CALLS. but i did anyways.

let me back up.

it was three days and NOTHING... and THEN this call. from a person i'd never seen nor spoken to. of course i lied my ass off, but my initial plan of action in the split second i had after the caller identified themself was to spill everything and leave VIP to clean up the mess. i was SOOOO angry that he could just hide like that... and HURT. i wanted to VOMIT, to puke up the angry mixture of emotions in my stomach. and i was in the car with RICO of all people, who was turning purple from trying not keep from screaming at me while i was on the phone (he was kind enough to wait until after i hung the phone up, and my tears didn't slow the fury any). deciding to cover for him as best i could, i tried to defuse the situation and appease my Restricted Caller by agreeing to disappear.

my brain was leaking as i hung up the phone. my shirt was sticky and red from the massive chest wound, and pure venom dripped off my tongue and down my chin. Rico's hatred fell on deaf ears. later in the evening i liquified the rest of my organs. woke up still drunk the next morning and went to work for 9.

and after the blood... STILL NOTHING.

- Nirvana "Smells Like Teen Spirit" -

14 March 2004

because she only wants the wrong way

i somewhat made peace with myself today. and how did i do that? funny you should ask...

Rico's apartment building only provides parking for tenants, so everyone that came to the party last night had to park at the convenience store down the road, or at the church, which is right across the street. lazy me picked the church parking lot. so then this morning, standing on the porch smoking a butt, i happened to look over at my little car and saw what looked like a flyer on the windshield. let me remind you that today is sunday. curious, i finished my cigarette and walked over to see what it was.

it seems that the church people didn't like the fact that my car was parked in their parking lot while there were having service this find sunday morning. so some stupid bastard stuck a HUGE ASS florescent ORANGE sticker right in the MIDDLE of the windshield, bearing the words:

VIOLATION! This car is parked illegally and is therefore subject to fines and/or towing. Your license plate has been recorded.

ok. that's fine. except there are NO signs prohibiting parking in the GIGANTIC parking lot. i know because i checked. and this sticker took up a good portion of my windshield and could be seen from the street. i'm lucky my car didn't get fucking towed. and so are the church people, because then they would have a window or two to replace.

pissed off? just a little. and i wasn't in the most pleasant of moods to begin with. i didn't eat hardly anything yesterday and then drank on an empty stomach so i was feeling a little woozy, had a really shitty night altogether, woke up sore from sleeping on a hardwood floor, and had a vague recollection of a drunken telephone conversation with someone i was hurting. i'd been trying to figure out what to say to him and my head hurt. now i had to get a razor and scrape the fucking thing off so i could drive my car.

so i'm standing in the parking lot scraping away and everyone going into the church is looking at me (stupid me parked right near the door) and my head is throbbing and i feel like shit and i just want to scream, "WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE!" at the church people and put a fucking brick through one of their windows and then suddenly...

i didn't give a shit. because it could have been a lot worse. the sticker, while ugly and ANNOYING, was put there by the church people, not the police, and it was only a warning. there wasn't a parking citation on my windshield, and apparently there could have been. i guess. even with no signs. or a cop could have driven by and seen the sticker and had my car towed. but all i had to do was scrape the thing off and park somewhere else, that's all. it could have been a lot worse.

and that's my POINT. my whole LIFE could be a lot worse. what does complaining change? absolutely nothing. happiness is a CHOICE. and the only way to achieve happiness is to grab the bull by the balls and take it. i WANT to be happy. and if that means doing something that everyone else thinks is crazy then so be it. i am only one person, i cannot please everybody. but i've spent so long trying to do that i forgot about myself. i don't want to follow the rules anymore.

ok. chew on this: so i'm driving along this straightaway (metaphorically speaking) and at the end i see a stop sign. it's late, i can see there's no one else on the road with me, so i speed up. i'm almost to the stop sign, it's right in front of me. no one at the intersection.

what do i do? do i stop because it's the *right* thing to do? whose right? maybe it's my wrong. maybe i think that the stop sign should be a yield. maybe i don't believe in stop signs at all.

so i fucking run it.

(sigh) i have a feeling that i'm the only person who will understand that analogy. comparing running a stop sign to the direction my life is taking...? and if ONE fucking person makes note of the legality issue in both situations... I SO DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!! i'm an adult, DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!

...on a darker note...

drinking last night was horrible. i guess that's what happens... i was drinking way too quickly, one after another. there were ghosts in my bottle, and tears of a man shed over me. i drank and drank and then chased it all down with some tears of my own.

i hated myself... doing a lot of that lately... and still missing him...

- Sublime "Wrong Way" -

12 March 2004

apathy has rained on me, now I'm feeling like a soggy dream

what is WRONG with me today? woke up and felt like a big pile of shit the moment i opened my eyes. not even noon and already i feel like this day is a waste.

maybe it's because i want too much. i WANT my fucking car back... i WANT my recruiter to cut orders activating me to this office so i can make more money, because i WANT to be financially stable enough to make this money monetarily worry-free... i WANT to fid a college that has my major and doesn't require a zillion credit hours BEFORE i can even apply (fuck you, SDSU)...

i know i'm whining. i just want to be with him. i want this to all turn out ok. i keep telling myself to calm down and breathe, but i can't help freaking out at the amount of variables in the equation. i don't know how to solve it. i'm no good at this.

and i HAVE the list of colleges offering my major that my guidance counselor gave me (that doesn't sound right... misplaced modifier, maybe? forgive me, Mrs. Jones...), all i have to do is get the number for the admissions office and call... but i'm so scares of doors slamming in my face that i've just been sitting here agonizing... SPINELESS! what a mess i've become. i need some fucking motivation.


ok. i can't stay like this all day or i'm likely to kill myself. so... well, it's too early to call any west coast colleges right now, anyways, so maybe i'll take a drive to clear my head. there are two places that allow me to think the best: in the shower (cliche?) and in the car, smoking a cigarette. i realize i can't go on smoking forever (too expensive!), so i'm going to have to amend that one, but for now... maybe i'll find MY epiphany...

love me...

- Green Day "Burnout" -

11 March 2004

pardon me, pardon me, I'll never be the same

what a DAY! i'm thinking too much and it's driving me crazy. try to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and eventually your knees will buckle. i am not Atlas.


pierced and hardly feeling any better...

you know what, the world does not revolve around me. I KNOW THIS. but just once, that's all i'm asking, would it be possible to catch the star i'm after? why does it always have to end up like this? why the indecision? why the obstacles? WHY THE FUCKING DRAMA? no more speed bumps, i want a nice smooth road to cruise over. i want sweet-smelling fucking flowers lining my road and a beautiful fucking sunset to drive off into. no, you know what? screw the car. i want prince fucking charming to gallop up on his white horse, and THEN we'll ride off into the sunset. and i'll wear the flowers in my hair. and we'll go off to his huge fucking castle where it never rains and everyone is always happy. and i'll never have to sit here, ALONE, ever again.

i fucking HATE myself.

- Incubus "Pardon Me" -

10 March 2004

we don't need no thought control

what's it feel like when you expect to hit a wall that isn't there? today was too easy...

went to my high school, saw the guidance counselor, got my transcripts. he was extremely helpful... he understands, i think, the need to change and evolve, and my thirst for motion. he made a joke as i was leaving, saying he hoped i could find a job out there that would let me work the 100 hours a week i desire... i laughed, but it's true. i spent more than a few afternoons in his office while i was still in school trying to make him understand how i could work so much and keep the grades i had. i took the advice he gave me and drove to my recruiter's office. i explained to him the skeleton of my plan and although i don't think he bought all of it, he told me to let him know what i wanted to do and he'd take care of the rest for me. simple as that.

it was so easy it makes me nervous.

but what of the wall? i know it's there. i just haven't reached it yet. eventually i will find it and hit it. and then i'll lay there before it and feel sorry for myself.

actually, i think i saw the wall today, a dim shadow of it in the distance. it's been pretty foggy in my mind lately, so i could be mistaken, but it looks like someone has painted a name on the wall... wish i could make it out...

- Pink Floyd "Brick in the Wall" -

09 March 2004

only when I'm drunk I sing a song like this

just 12 fluid ounces, 5.6% alcohol per volume... one drink and i'm different? not just that, but intolerable? how is that? and he's never even seen me drink. all he sees is the bad and forgets that not everyone takes it too far. there's no blue button for me.

(sigh) i don't even feel like writing anymore. sorry, my loyal fans, but you'll have to wait. maybe i'll feel better tomorrow. the fight we had was depressing because it shouldn't have happened, and i'm sorry, and now i'm drained. i hate to argue at all, but with him it was a million times worse. and through a telephone, no less.

i miss him.


my sister just made popcorn by using the POPCORN button on our microwave. and all of the kernels popped.

- Crazy Town "Only When I'm Drunk" -

08 March 2004

oh make my days a breeze and take away my self-destruction

4:33 a.m. and he's asleep next to me, naked, a white sheet wrapped loosely around his waist. god, he's so SKINNY. in the dark he looks more fragile than usual. maybe it's the way he's laying there... on his stomach, embracing a pillow. it's too perfect... my eyes suddenly teary... i want to reach over and touch his shoulders. for some reason i can't get past them... i want to kiss them, run my hands along his spine. i want to lay against him and nuzzle my face into the dip  between his shoulder blades. but that might wake him... i don't want to rupture the aura of serenity he emits...

coughing. oh shit, it's loud and i can't stop. untangle myself from the blankets and stumble into the bathroom... coughing up a fucking LUNG. there's no way he could have slept through it. i compose myself and make my way to the bed.

he's on his side now, facing the hole in the blankets i'd crawl out of, his arm extended under my pillow... such a big bed and we're only using a third of it... sharing a pillow, in a semi-fetal position with his body curled around mind, his arm tucked against my chest... the definition of happiness. sleeping pressed against someone and not feeling alone. our feet touch and lay together... and i don't mind when his shin rubs the cut on my ankle. i wish there was someone who could take a picture of this perfection, my happiness in visual form.

he gives me GOOSEBUMPS. and my heart is beating so fast it's going to explode. my head hurts and i'm trembling, vibrating, like a hummingbird. his lips touch the back of my neck and i'm melting. how can i be so happy? my body doesn't know how to handle it... my brain is stunned and my heart is dizzy from doing back flips. how is this POSSIBLE? i don't understand. how can every little act, no matter how insignificant, give me chills?

he thinks i don't watch him but i do. i love how he moves about, the way he walks, how he carries himself. his self-confidence (whether genuine or manufactured) is so incredibly sexy... i want to be enveloped by him. i want to spend all my time with him, even if we're just eating popcorn and watching movies all day. i want to pretend to read while he plays, to close my eyes while he hugs me, and to listen to his heartbeat while he lays on his back.

he got on a bus and left me today and now i don't how what to do with myself. he said his chest felt empty... and it makes me sick, too. i'm so cold... i miss the sound of his voice already... i'd give anything to hear him sing... maybe even follow the sound across the country...

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Soul to Squeeze" -

04 March 2004

you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave

after the completion of the Basic Public Affairs Specialist - Writer course at the Defense Information School on Fort George G. Meade, Maryland... the last step of out processing, my last action as an IET soldier... my signature in the mythical *green book.*

i'd pictured thick, cream-colored pages bound in green leather with gold trim. in my mind, this book sat on a beautiful mahogany shelf, shrouded in a faint mist. and in the distance, the sound of angels playing harps.

the pac office yesterday, 1504: "you can sign the green book now. it's right there behind you," rebolledo said, gesturing vaguely over my shoulder.

turning around, i faced a dusty old filing cabinet with a plain black plastic shelving unit... and on top sat a warped green plastic three-ring folder. not even a book.

but i guess - as with all things, especially those at Student Company - you expect too much and you're bound to be disappointed. expect great things and you'll find nothing but a sham.

quite the appropriate way to depart Student Company.

USASSD, you shall be missed.


- Eagles "Hotel California" -

02 March 2004

finger tips have memories, mine can't forget the curves of your body

he didn't try to hide my tattoo.

Rico always placed his hand on my stomach and covered the tattoo with his forearm so he didn't have to see it. he used to tell me it was distracting, but he treated it as if it were temporary, like only paint on my skin. i guess he thought that if he showed enough distain it would go away.

but HIS mouth didn't avoid it, nor did it avoid my scars. i think he was trying to make me understand that they don't matter to him. it was a strange feeling. just skin cells, inked or scarred or whatever. and it made no difference to him. i wasn't being judged.


he kisses me with eyes open... i find it both arousing and intimidating. i feel like he can see INTO me... it makes me a little uncomfortable to be so open and vulnerable. but it was new, and kind of sensual... i could get used to it. it made me feel much closer to him, even though physically we couldn't have been any closer. does that make sense? the english language fails me once again.

we fell asleep together, even though it was half by accident, at least for me. waking up, i was extremely disoriented, but seeing him there comforted me. i trust him and i don't understand why. it's not that he's ever done anything to make me doubt him, it just takes a LOT for me to trust anyone. but trusting him is easy. and wanting to better myself for him is easy.

he's slowly re-writing my brain chemistry...

it was the most *right* i've felt in a long time.


in other news, i'm all done packing...

- Harvey Danger "Flagpole Sitta" -

01 March 2004

her dizzy head is conscience laden

newton's third law state that for every action there is an equal and/or opposite reaction. funny, sitting in my 10th grade science class, it didn't quite mean the same thing to me. consequences.

i believe in karma. "...for every even that occurs, there will follow another event whose existence was caused by the first, and this second event will be pleasant or unpleasant according as its cause was skillful or unskillful..." by skillful, it means without craving, resistance, or delusion.

without CRAVING? without lust? or greed? without selfishness? fantasies? LOVE? in that case, i'm guilty. my morals have fallen away. i'm acting solely in the pursuit of happiness, whether that be in my *best interest* or not. in fact, i'm probably insane for what i'm doing. but go ahead and ask me if i care.

it's easy to make... shall we say, unconventional... decision when you have nothing to lose. i've been told by more than a few people that i'm throwing my life away. WHAT LIFE? what is life? what is life when you are miserable, working a job that doesn't excite you, surrounded by friends who don't care about you, and a man who no longer loves you but only wants to control you? a family that abandoned you? it's not fucking worth it. i'm not "sacrificing" ANYTHING. no ties to massachusetts. so why not try something new? even if it all falls apart once i get there (wherever *there* ends up being... california or alabama or idaho or morocco or the moon...), what will i have lost? nothing, but gained an education, both in college and in the life variety. 

i want to learn from him. i think he has a lot to offer. he makes me WANT to be a better person, but by giving me the choice, not by forcing. no handcuffs, no ball-and-chain.

like a butterfly riding the breeze...

he said... "well, if you two want it bad enough, you'll find a way to make it work."

ask me how much packing i got done tonight...

- Stone Temple Pilots "Big Empty" -

29 February 2004

and it comes to be, that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel...

a barren expanse... lifeless. earth cracked and split like chapped lips, but without blood to convey the agony. nothingness. not even a breeze. not a soul around. my heart.

then... slowly, haltingly, storm clouds begin to form overhead, black smoke against the gray sky. billowing upward, the smoke of my cigarette. it reaches the clouds and multiplies, thick and smoldering. i'm terrified. but their fury brings the promise of change, so i hold my breath and wait. a light rain begins to fall, in a bowling alley. then harder, a downpour, the sound maddening. off in the distance, a figure offers me an umbrella. i think he's about 6'4"...?

and then through my cloudy heart, a single ray of light... a moment... a heart-stopping swirl of hormones and giggles and flesh and love and saliva... a moment that could last an eternity. time freezes in place, and all the individual elements come together in a rush - the hole in the wall, my chain falling from the dresser, clothes on the floor, the red bible, a broken shoe, tattoo-less shoulders, the sound of an invisible shower, reaching for towels in the dark... my lips part to form his name...

then a blinding flash of reality... and me without sunglasses. i've only got these rose-colored glasses that someone once gave me... parked at a gas station. in a red grand am.


he asked me... if i were an animal, what animal would i be? i told him a butterfly, but i didn't fully explain why. i'd be a butterfly because they're never sad. they're beautiful, and everyone loves them. and everyone knows that if you touch their wings, they will lose the ability to fly, and ultimately will die. PEOPLE UNDERSTAND BUTTERFLIES. they understand that they are delicate and take care to see that they aren't injured. and once a butterfly has done all it can in one particular place, it can grasp ahold of the wind and fly away to another beautiful place, and everyone understands. because that's what butterflies do. butterflies are only expected to be beautiful and to fly about as they please. and nobody hurts a butterfly.

but i am not a butterfly, and i'm not asking anyone to understand...

"...is just a freight train coming your way"

- Metallica "No Leaf Clover" -

26 February 2004

and I swear, you're just like a pill

i should be the fucking photo editor. and i'm so pissed about it, i'm not going to say anything else school-related or else i might put my foot through the monitor.

5 fucking voicemails from Rico while i was at school, and after formation when he called and i ignored his calls, he left another two. it's just great how i used to have to almost bribe him to send me a single text message during the day... and how now that i'm gone he's turned all soft and gentle and "caring." and clingy... SPINELESS! he's a fucking WORM, a PARASITE, all he cares about is what HE CAN GAIN for being with me. he doesn't care about ANYONE except HIMSELF. he's a fucking CHILD, he wants everything handed to him, requiring him to put forth as little effort as possible. how could i be so fucking STUPID?

have to go upstairs... (sigh)

- Pink "Just Like a Pill" -

25 February 2004

spend your lazy, endless crazy days inside my head

getting changed after PT and my shower this morning, i checked my phone twice for messages, text or other. there was only a voicemail from Rixo; NOT was i was looking for. so why did i look? (VIP) doesn't have a phone anymore. stupid. but i looked anyways.

later, planning for my feature photo shoot, i thought about going to the commissary to do my assignment... and then about what (VIP) was doing at the moment. tried to figure out a plan for lunch so we could eat together. thought about how i could spend time with him after school.

standing in formation, they were talking about linen turn in and LESs and shit that i didn't pay attention to. i was waiting to get to the computer rooms and onto AOL and talk to him.

left even though i probably shouldn't have, came back and got caught, didn't care. just passing time until 8, when i could get back on the computer and talk to him some more.

still haven't done my shoot...

- Good Charlotte "Motivation Proclamation" -

24 February 2004

that's the sound of a bottle when it's hollow

today's lesson: familiarity (is this a word?) isn't always a pleasant feeling.

they were talking about going to baltimore this weekend, our last weekend, and getting smashed together before we all leave. the whole conversation made me kind of sad. he asked me why alcohol must be present to make a significant occasion; i.e. leaving for basic training, new year's eve, valentine's day... it's funny how my "logical" line of thinking was to celebrate graduation with some liquor. but that was my life, that's how i did things. someone's birthday? the liquor store closes at 11. anniversary? let's get so trashed we don't remember anything we did. graduation? i'll call a buyer. boxing day? flag day? kwanzaa? friendship day? day of the week ending in y? bring on the booze.

maybe it's a good thing i'm not 21. less of a temptation, right?

ok now, let's be honest. being underage never stopped me before. and if i really wanted to drink this weekend, being underage wouldn't stop me now. (sigh) i am so annoying. being under 21 has nothing to do with anything. i'm just making excuses to cover the fact that i'm doing something i'm not completely comfortable with.

you know, my conversation with Rico last night was really tragic. we were talking about me going back to massachusetts (this was before i explained my *complete* plan) and he mentioned going and buying all the celebratory alcohol ahead of time. i told him i wasn't so sure about it and to not go ahead and do that, and he lectured me for about 20 minutes for not being interesting. he said that one of the things that had initially attracted him to me, and one of the things he loves about me is how "wild" i am. and how i am "willing to take risks." he basically said that if i cut drinking out of my life, i wouldn't be a good time anymore. i try to make a responsible decision and Rico tells me i won't be entertaining and that it's a bad idea.

he went on to say that i wasn't talking like myself, that it wasn't really me saying all that. (sigh) i'm too tired to rant about how much that proves he's an asshole... i think it's pretty much common knowledge now. wonder why it was always so easy for everyone else to see but it took me 2 1/2 years to begin to realize it.

so then i told him what i plan for graduation and the days following... and he told me he can't talk to me anymore, ever. he told me it would hurt more than he could deal with. we argued until 11, then i hung up on him and shut my phone off and went to bed. this morning there were 6 messages in my voicemail from him.

(shrugs) ...so now what? (blinks)

incidentally, my "comfort cocktail" (emode.com) is a southern sparkler, which consists of 1 1/2 oz of SoCo, 1 oz of grapefruit juice, 1 oz of pineapple juice, and some club soda.


there. i'm done. happy now, my VIP?

- Eminem "Drug Ballad" -

23 February 2004

I'm just a sucker with no self esteem

so there's this person... and... he makes you smile. more than that, though, you laugh so much it hurts your head. you've always been completely comfortable in your depression, but all of the sudden, it's not so appealing. smiling is kind of nice.

he likes spending time with you, which might not seem so remarkable, except you don't think very much of yourself. and because he's so amazing. and you sing in the (public) shower before you leave for the day to see him. and you are so NOT delusional.

you go a whole weekend without turning into a grade-A bitch from nicotine withdrawals... cigarettes just weren't that important. and you only really complained because you felt you had to. because it make you feel better about voluntarily giving them up... because you don't normally do anything for anybody. not because you are selfish, but too many people have tried to change you, and you're tired of being squished into one mold after another. but this is different, this is voluntary. you - gasp! - don't mind changing a little, especially when there's a logical reason to change. and because, for the first time ever, someone cares whether you change or not. it's a new feeling for you.

and you don't want to fight with him, and he's so damn smart. you can have intelligent conversations ad not have to dumb everything down for him to understand. that sounds kind of conceited, but maybe it's more of a reflection of the guys you've been involved with.

ok, so you've made a lot of bad choices in your life. that being sad, how is THIS not an equally bad choice? you could be ruining someone's life. of you two opinions of this, how can you follow the selfish half and disregard the moral half?

but "you," of course, i mean me.

and he's cute. and he smells good. and he's a good kisser.

if only it were so easy to just follow your heart. but murphy's law, right? whatever can go wrong, will go wrong? that's kind of a stretch... what i mean to say is i fucking love how this situation can be so wonderful and so horrible at the same time. the duality frustrates me... "frustrates" is putting it mildly. i want to run away screaming, or break something, or make someone hurt the way i do. and there i go feeling selfish again. it's good to be home.

i'm afraid i'm going to lose someone who actually matters to me.

- The Offspring "Self Esteem" -

17 February 2004

drifting and floating and fading away

hmmm... where to start...

friday was frustrating because the plans i had made were cancelled on me at the last minute. thanks Squire. in my annoyance, i called Rico and asked him to come se me. that's kinda shitty, i know... but sometimes things happen for a reason, i think. cliche, i know. my mind is feeling rather lazy tonight, and i have nothing better to offer. IRREGARDLESS, Rico took the time off from work and agreed to come visit. thus began one of the greatest weekends of my life.

Rico got to maryland at about noon on saturday. we drove around aimlessly until 3, when we could check into the hotel. it was amazing, though, because most of our relationship has been spent apart... his (marine corps) basic training, then MCT, then MOS training in california... he was gone for 9 months straight. a year together, then i left for basic in august... and other than exodus and this past weekend, i haven't seen him since this summer. every time we saw each other after time apart, it was always awkward, like we had to get to know each other again. not this time. his lips felt the same on mine, the smell of his clothes was familiar, and falling asleep in his arms was effortless. i loved every second of it.

we spent a lot of the time on the balcony of the hotel room just talking and looking at the sky. there was the most amazing sunset saturday night... i don't always like to admit it, but there's a few ounces of romance to be found in my blood stream. anyways, we DID NOT argue, and it was fucking wonderful. i don't even know how to describe how it made me feel... untouchable... weightless... happy. this was SOOO good for my soul, i can't even begin to explain it. i needed him. i'm going to marry this man.

forgive me for *another* cliche, but as this chapter opens, another respective chapter comes to a close. the Squire and i are so done... i just lack the ability and the words with which to tell him. we were just fooling each other; it was doomed from the start. i'm just sorry that we let it get so far that now it's going to be hard to say goodbye. but i love Rico, i can't do this to him. infidelity is such an ugly thing, i won't put him through it.

courage, anyone??

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Porcelain" -

12 February 2004

one baby to another said I'm lucky to've met you

didn't get to finish all i had to say yesterday, so i decided to delete what little i had a start over today. i have design and layout classes all day instead of photojournalism, so i ought to have more time at the computers to write today...

so Rico. my feelings for him are so complicated they don't even make sense to me. and they certainly cannot be summed up in a single word - *love*. i don't like that word, anyways. it is thrown around far too carelessly these days, and people use it  as a tool to manipulate. and it seems more important to buy someone a card and some chocolate rather than develop a healthy, functioning relationship with them. trade chocolate for communication? money for feelings. growing cynical? i think i might be...

back to Rico. i don't like the word *love*, but i guess i don't have a better word to describe it. he is my universe. he makes me feel little and soft, and SAFE. like a girl again. i can talk to him without fear of judgement. i've never felt this way about anyone else. i would trust him with my LIFE. it's so much more than the childish, make-believe relationships i've had in the past, in which being *in love* was more important to me than who the person was. disgusting! but with Rico it's so much different. he is my heart in human form.

but as with all things in life, this is not a perfect situation, although i really wish it could be. we've both changed a lot, and done things to profoundly hurt each other: i had the Squire, he had LH. the fact that the playing field is level doesn't make it any less painful; in face, i think it makes it worse. how could we both be so evil? we promised never to stray. we promised to stay together through everything, no matter what. ugh. two frightened kids clinging together... but it worked! at least for a time. neither of us had anywhere else to go, and while i can't completely speak for Rico, i know that since i've never had a similar relationship, it was that much harder to let go of. nothing is perfect. the honeymoon was over and we got tired of each other. we alternated between the extremes: passion and fury. something had to give. and it did. and that kills me.


Rico and i have always had a way of clawing our way out of the ashes and recovering. we have been doing much, much better lately...

ugh. more to follow.

- Nirvana "Drain You" -

10 February 2004

your hair, it's everywhere...

do you think it's possible to wear one's sin in the open? i'm feeling a little transparent today. like i have a scarlet A on my chest, and everyone is looking at me because everyone knows. you can just call me Hester Prynn. i feel like my body is mirroring the ugliness inside my head. ugh. sometimes i can't stand myself.

but isn't this how it's always been? anytime the filth gets to be too much, i release a little of it (consciously or unconsciously) and then i'm fine. i wonder why that is... why must my flaws take physical form? i should set up some road cones and wear yellow police tape... wouldn't that be easier?

body modification... ha, i guess that would be the politically correct term for it. it's kind of mild, though. i don't know whether i'd call the scars on my army body modification... self mutilation? no, because that makes it sound angry. i wasn't angry. i needed to release the demons again. blood has a funny way of clearing the mind. i dove headfirst into my misery and came out clean.

but i don't really want to talk about that. i think i'll save that skeleton for another time.

and my tattoos! the pain was half the fun, wasn't it? but then i guess they weren't really a *sin* in physical form, just a mindset. i wanted to be branded, marked, imperfect. i'm not pure. my tattoos are a source of pride, though. they help define me, i think, and i like them. and i can't remember what my skin looked like without them. the first chance i get i'm going to go get another one.

any now i feel like i'm talking to a wall. how did this entry suddenly become pointless?

- Dashboard Confessional "Screaming Infidelities" -

09 February 2004

when I wake up in my makeup

ugh, another THRILLING day at Student Company. 22 days and a wake up... but who's counting?

it is most definitely a monday.

went for an ability-group run this morning, finally. the wind made it slightly uncomfortable, but not too bad. i actually enjoyed the run. at the 7:20 formation we had a *thorough* in-ranks inspection, and even that wasn't very painful. huh. the network was down at DINFOS so we had a two hour delay.. two hours spend with some pointless, time-wasting "training," then off to school. still, nothing earth shattering. went to the dental clinic for my photo shoot, finished that up in about an hour, went to lunch.

ah yes, lunch. the Squire was still in class at 11:30 so i walked to the chow hall alone, but he got there soon after i did. i wasn't very hungry so i had a salad (although i found the quality of lettuce to be unsatisfactory), and the Squire and i talked. i hate how immature he can be, because i know that's not the way he really is. it's just a facade, a mask he wears to keep people from getting too close to him. it's easier for him to hide than to try forming any kind of a meaningful relationship, i guess. and by relationship, i don't necessarily refer to the one violating article 92... i just want to be his friend. it frustrates me that he acts like such an arrogant prick when i know he's really not. i've SEEN how sweet he can be, how selfless and caring. but he has this dr. jekyl/mr. hyde personality that upsets me. one minute he's great and we're having a good time together, and then suddenly he's cold and distant and COMPETITIVE. ugh. that's probably the worst of his moods. does it really matter whose boots are shinier? has our relationship disintegrated that much that our conversations have been reduced to kiwi and neutral wax? WHO GIVES A SHIT? why can't we just talk like normal people??

but i don't care. i lose interest by the day. or, at least i keep telling myself that. 23 more days and i won't have to worry about his drama anymore.

so here i find myself neither pissed off nor elated. i'm just... here. waiting for the axe to fall, i guess. today has been suspiciously incident-free.

ha! maybe i'll start a counter, __ days incident free, like you see posted at construction sites or in factories, __ days accident free. that ought to be amusing.

- Hole "Celebrity Skin" -

08 February 2004

sunday, bloody sunday

well. i don't know what to say even to myself to sort this all out and make it "reasonably" understandable to the rational adult.

adult? that would require taking responsibility for one's actions, wouldn't it? ugh. i'm so disgusted with myself. how could i have let it get this bad? how is ti that i can build my world up out of lies and still sleep at night? i've become that person i swore i could never be. i'm taken by the urge to tear out my hair and collapse into tears. but would that solve anything? or would it just give me TEMPORARY SATISFACTION, like every single fucking decision i've made lately?

i need to stop going back in time and look to the future instead. how can you right the wrongs done so long ago? why is it that every time i get hurt i feel the need to strike back, or avenge my broken heart, and punish those who hurt me? even after the mess has been solved... what am i doing to myself? what am i doing to Rico? of all the people i could hurt... why him? i do love him so much, and i've done so much to push him away and break his trust and kill his feelings that it's a wonder he still talks to me at all. i hate myself for what i've done to him.

and what of the Squire? IS IT just convenience? what will happen once i leave maryland and go back to massachusetts? what life am i returning to? and what, exactly, am i leaving behind? so frustrating how he can retreat into his shell and shut me out. it's almost shocking how alike the Squire and i are... both so good at fooling people. but two people constantly hiding and spinning alternate lives are no good for each other. we read each other too well. he's pure evil. i've never met anyone who could see right through me.

but that's not to say the feeling isn't mutual. yea, i know he never left alicia, that he still talks to her and whispers that he loves her and that everything will be ok. but am i angry? no, not really. when you don't set your expectations high, it's hard to be disappointed.

i've had enough of this. i want to be a good person, i'm tired of the deception. and i'm tired of sitting pondering how i became this way because it's no better than not doing anything at all. i've become so lazy. i'm through with this life.

so another evolution... i suppose this must be number five or six for me. strip off the skin, all the evilness, and lie naked and exposed until i can develop into a normal person with functional feelings and a functional heart. i don't want to hate myself anymore. i guess the fact that i recognized this inner ugliness should be some source of hope for me. i guess my heart isn't as frozen over as i'd thought...