14 October 2005

and we could talk about forever for a day or two

oh fuck yes.

so ok, this has been an insanely crazy fucked up ride. these past three weeks have whipped by and i'm still out of breath from the race to keep up. i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. i'm crazy happy... and yet a part of me still gets defensive over that. i shouldn't have to justify my friggin happiness, you know? no one has to understand but me, and for a good part of it i don't. and that's ok. it matters not what i'm doing, or where i'm going, it's the people i'm spending time with that make the difference, and those people i wouldn't trade for the world. in such a short time i feel a lot more like family than i have in a long long time. and this time, it's all me, i'm not "Rico's girlfriend," just an accessory for his ego. these people hang out with me for me.. and that means more to me that you can imagine. i've done so much in the past few weeks that i wouldn't for anyone else... and i fucking love it. i can't friggin wait for halloween, no drama this time!

in fact, no more drama ever! Tree makes me feel so incredibly happy, the things that he does for me and the way he looks at me and what he says to me. i've never met anyone so willing to give so much of themselves to someone they don't even really know. he's just plain amazing... don't know what else to say. don't know what the future holds. but i'm happy with the way things are and are going... ;)

Nibbey ; you are the bestest friend i could ever hope for, and i'm so happy that everything is ok with us again. and to think, you started off as a friend of a friend... now you're the closest friend i have. i wouldn't have wanted to have miscarriages and bloody socks with anyone but you (haha). thanks again for everything, for still being there when i need to vent and for always offering a shoulder to cry on. i laugh so much with you it makes me want to puke. it might not sound like it, but that's a good thing. :)

and i still miss CF, i really, really do. i can't listen to country songs without thinking of him, and i had to take all the pictures down and put all his clothes away. i drove around for a couple days with a picture of the two of us on my dashboard, but now it just makes me too sad.

"so before you go and turn me on
be sure that you can turn me loose"

- Dierks Bentley "Lot of Leaving Left to Do" -

11 October 2005

the silence in black and white falling forward as she walks toward the light

...so it's done.

and we cried and cried and held each other and cried some more... but it's done.

we were laying on his bed and i was crying and he rolled over and said, "hey, calm down, i'm not breaking up with you right now." and i said, "i know. i'm breaking up with you."

he kind of sucked in a breath.

he asked me if it was really what i wanted to do, if i understood that now there's no going back to us... and i said yes, and he hung his head but didn't beg me to change my mind. he pulled me into his lap and told me again and again how much he loves me and how he really knew this had to happen. he apologized for ever letting shit get fucked up, and told me how he wished we could have been good from the start. he wiped my tears on his sleeve and stroked my head and cried and cried. he wanted me to stay the afternoon so we could talk but i told him i couldn't, and he understood. my god, i love him, i really do... we just can't keep doing this to ourselves. we just can't be together anymore... and if i didn't do it, it was only a matter of time before he did. i want to be happy again, i want him to be happy. we cried but there were no hard feelings. when i left we were both still crying, neither of us wanted to let go... but we did. he kissed me goodbye and hugged me tightly and then stepped back so i could go.

it was the best breakup i could have ever hoped for.


i think i need some time to myself now.

- Hawthorne Heights "Niki FM" -

30 September 2005

wishing to be the friction in your jeans


so a few psycho 15+ hour days at work and now they've told me: GO HOME. ha... it's only been open since friday and already the wareham shaw's is starting to feel like home. and i've befriended the necessary management so that my time there will be easy and worry free. gotta get in with the right people, right?

what the fuck dude. for a second i felt really cool being able to say that, but then i realized i was talking about SHAW'S supermarket. i'm so fucking lame it kills me.

but anyways.

got back from wareham and talked to my Nibbey and decided to ditch out on the whole car-pooling to drill idea (don't really care to see Regular Army Guy right now anyways... i've had more of his condescending, better-than-you attitude than i can take... which is considerably awkward, considering i live with the guy...) and go visit some old friends back home. it ought to be good for me. lately i've been feeling a little confused and disenchanted about a certain situation... sing along if you know the words... (sigh)

but yeah so i'm gonna get my ass in gear now before all the beer is gone. kidding. or am i??

maybe i'm just waiting for a reaction.....................??

fuck (sigh) yeah... whatever.

- Fall Out Boy "Sugar, We're Going Down" -

23 September 2005

but it's not just my finish that's peeling, and it's not alone fleeing these walls

oh dashboard... we meet again...

ok, so i know i have problems, issues i need to work out. i understand this, and it's not that i don't want to deal with this, i do, just not everything all at once. i can only hold so many things together at the same time before i start to come apart at the seams. sometimes i think i need to just run away from everything i have here and there and all that i've ever known... and just start over. and YES, i would miss a lot of people, and YES, i would think about coming back all the time... but jesus fucking christ... how many times do people have to let me down? no, more importantly, how many times after i'm let down will i get back up and ask for more? this is such bullshit, i know it is, i've always known it is. some things are just to good to be true and it's only a matter of time before you realize what's hiding underneath that killer smile. and you'd think that once i realized it i would have gotten the hell out of there. and yet i didn't. at least then i would have had a shred of dignity left. now i just feel like day old left overs. "i'm gonna take this home cause i'm SO gonna eat it later, for real this time!" yeah, my leftovers always end up in the trash, too. that was a really poor metaphor. i guess i just don't know what i'm talking about. i guess what i mean to say is that it isn't fair, that i deserved some sort of warning, i shouldn't have the whole world raining down on my head all at once. i'm not as fucking strong as you think i am, as i pretend to be! i have spots that my shell doesn't cover and you always find them. like a turtle on its back. it's all there for the taking. see this heart? it's still fucking beating. it's still beating and i'm still stupidly here and still waiting, for something! waiting for i don't even know what. waiting for a solution to a problem i don't even understand. maybe there's no solution because there's no problem. maybe there never should have been the chance for a problem to arise. i knew it didn't feel quite right. now i don't even know what to do with my feelings, not that i understand them. i don't know what to do right now, i'm like suspended in midair and i can't figure out how to move away. i need to get out of this fucking place. i thought an hour away would be far enough but i was wrong. i need to be 10 million miles away from here. i need to be away so that i don't ever have to hear your name again. i don't know what i could have done to inspire so much hatred, but whatever i did, i'm sorry. i sincerely hope that it's just your way of dealing with... everything.

all i know is that i cried tonight, A LOT, and that's gotta mean something.

doesn't it?

- Dashboard Confessional "Turpentine Chaser" -

22 September 2005

if you want it, come and get it, crying out loud...

oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man!!!

so i found the tickets online today...! didn't do terrible else, i'm afraid... like the laundry i had all ready in my car, or going for that run i was planning on this afternoon... although i DID paint my nails BRIGHT friggin orange, very festive, don't you think? maybe a little early, but i don't really are. what else did i do?? oh yeah, Mr. Regular Army and i walked downtown to go to this farmer's market which ended up being pretty sad, actually. there were only three, er, farmers there. kinda lame.

and so you know what the tickets mean... my diet starts TODAY. cause now i have a dress to wear and everything. i'm gonna borrow one of S.D.'s cause she's the coolest. fuck... i'm so friggin nervous, too. it's been... shit, it will be two whole years in march. i don't think i look THAT much different from then... well, my hair is shorter, but other than that... fuck... i dunno. i'm like worrying myself sick. i'm not worried about how i look, i'm just plain nervous to see him at all, you know? like i don't even know how to react to seeing him for the first time again. i mean, do i just wave hello? shake his hand? casual hug? tear his clothes off? what do i do?

and what the fuck am i going to wear? (ok, that sounded really girly... but considering the situation, i think i'm allowed) i don't want to look like i'm trying too hard. so hair up or down? maybe just up, kinda messy, like i wasn't trying? i should probably get it trimmed before i go. and i totally need to get my eyebrows done. so hair up? earrings? or is that overkill? cause i never really wear earrings, only sometimes one in the cartilage of my left ear. and no jewelry. not that i really own any (don't even get me started). fuck! there is NO NEED for me to be freaking out about this. but you have no friggin idea how long i've waited for this. and it seems that all my preparation has left me... sadly unprepared. i don't know what to expect at all. i mean, the way it was left off the last time i saw him... but that was so long ago, and things are somewhat different now... and my nails will surely be bitten down to bloody nubs before i get off that plane.

i'll be there nov 8-15, if anyone is interested... fuck, i can't wait that long...

well, gotta run, cause it's almost 11 and i have like a million crunches to do before bedtime. and i need to work tomorrow morning... and my eyes are burning. and i'm just a big baby. ;)



A quaS eafoaM 19: gay
ap0llo2113: ur gay!
A quaS eafoaM 19: your mom is gay
A quaS eafoaM 19: betcha didn't see that one coming
ap0llo2113: yes i did!
A quaS eafoaM 19: ................i was being sarcastic

"i'm kicking though the autumn leaves
and wondering where it is you might be going to,
turning back for home.
you know i'm feeling so alone..."

- David Gray "Babylon" -

15 September 2005

she swears that soon she'll be coming back forever

so Mr. Regular Army and i finally finished the first season of Veronica Mars... which ended on a cliff hanger, of course. and the next season doesn't start until the 28th. bitches... two whole weeks away... they're gonna be tough.


there's a cat sleeping behind the computer monitor as i'm typing this. fucking adorable. :)


i remember this commercial i saw a few years ago about getting tested for AIDS and shit... actually, it might have been a Herpicin commercial, now that i think of it. but anyways, in the commercial, the infected people were all walking around with bright yellow shirts on that said HERPES or something on the front in big black letters, their disease known to everyone who looked at them. and the point of the commercial was, "wouldn't it be nice if it were this easy?" or something like that, i'm paraphrasing as usual. i might even have the commercial all wrong, but the POINT is that it got me thinking (just the other day, so many years after i saw this commercial), i wish there were shirts for EVERY infection, especially mental ones. don't you think that would be a good idea?

you can see it if you try, big black letters on yellow:








why don't you pick out your fucking shirt.

i think i deserved some sort of warning for the unacceptable behavior i was subjected to. FUCK YOU. fuck you if you've ever done anything other than be a good person to me. fuck you if you've ever hurt me by not telling me something or by telling me something that wasn't true or by NOT SAYING ANYTHING AT ALL. fuck you for hurting my feelings or making me wait or letting me believe in a life i didn't have. bad shit happens, BIG FUCKING DEAL. that does NOT give you the right to use me as your personal punching bag, as if my life has been all cotton candy and starry eyes and hand holding. maybe if you've been here all along you'd understand all the shit i've been put through.

and it's long like i can talk to you about it now. i don't want the lectures and i don't want you getting all condescending every time i bring up a mistake i've made. fuck you for not listening and understanding. or at least trying to.

and that's all ok, right? cause everyone has a right to be angry and everyone has a right to just fly off the handle and say a bunch of shit they might consider apologizing for later on. so no harm, no foul?

that's what i fucking thought.



and the search for tickets continues.

"on the other side of town a boy is waiting,
with fiery eyes and dreams no one could steal.
she drives on through the night anticipating
cause he makes her feel the way she used to feel..."

- Eagles "Lyin' Eyes" -

07 September 2005

I do believe it's true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes

the cats are going crazy. it's funny to watch them zip around the house. they chase each other and wrestle and break things and i laugh. and Mr. Regular Army isn't here to soak them with the sink hose, so they can be extra crazy if they want. it's tough to be a kitty.


a longish conversation with someone last night before i crawled into bed... aw fuck... i don't know what to say. it's so wrong, but i enjoy him way more than i should. and everything he said last night, i really did appreciate, but he has no idea what's happened. i think (i know) i could have been so much happier if i'd met him first. i wish it i didn't matter!! (sigh) i'm just being stupid. i've been taking everything too seriously... but damn, i have so much fun with him. i thought crushes were supposed to end when you got out of highschool.

and i almost stole his sweatshirt. almost. :(


it was supposed to be monday and now here it is wednesday. i'm running out of things to do to keep busy. i painted my fingernails PINK last night and colored my hair a little again. today i have to drop a uniform off at the dry cleaners... yay. so call already!


work til 8, but then later tonight Mr. Regular Army and i are watching another couple Veronica Mars episodes. i'm embarrassed, but that show rocks my socks.

- Death Cab For Cutie "Soul Meets Body" -

06 September 2005

and this is the moment that I live for

ugh, drill this weekend. can't wait for that fights over the AAR for AT last month. and it's too late now to tell them i can't go. i friggin hate the army. and i have to be absolutely PERFECTLY squared away this month, too, since i made such a big deal about the unprofessionalism of the senior enlisted during AT. such a shame, too... i totally don't have the motivation to do all that shit. they don't deserve it. i think i just might take off my rank in protest.

also, pool PT on the training schedule for sunday?? is someone joking??


so some strangeness in the past few days...

a new friend who's just enough emo without being annoying, a new card game, and the realization that i suck so much worse at cards than i thought (but still not as bad as CF)...

a new set of responsibilities at work and the promise of a raise, the opportunity to get a second job so that i can start saving hardcore (sigh)...

a REASON to save in the form of a cell phone number, an adorable little voice, and some paperwork (finally)...

an evening with Cin watching family guy, eating ice cream, and talking about boys, love notes, kissing, and everything else girls are supposed to talk about (incredibly random!!)...

a phone call out of the blue today, craziness back home, and pretending nothing ever happened (never felt so good)...

a house to myself (where the hell is my roommate??)...

a set of 10 dark blue toenails.

- Story of the Year "Anthem of our Dying Day" -

02 September 2005

I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words...

an hour on the phone last night and i remembered why i wanted it in the first place. i mean, i guess it's normal to wonder, after so long, after NOTHING for so long... i'm not saying i doubted it, i was just worried that the feeling wasn't mutual. and i was scared to think i was holding on for the sake of holding on... cause this is what's keeping me going, and what if i was just waiting simply because i needed something to hope for? don't think that thought didn't cross my mind. but last night made me feel better, and he didn't want to get off the phone. went to sleep feeling lonely, but more complete.

it's just that he makes me crazy, i still can't stop thinking about him. Regular Army Man always finds some way to pick apart everyone i've ever dated, had a crush on, slept with, thought about maybe talking to, looked at for more than a few seconds (and so forth)... and still, my V.I.P is the only one i'll ever defend. ...that sounds kinda shitty. does it? but when you consider the calibur of men i usually end up with... i dunno. i suck at explaining things like this. what i mean to say is he's the most amazing person i've ever met... i want to be a good person again. and he makes me forget all the shit that's happened to me since i last saw him, cause none of it even matters. it hurt real bad but it was nothing, i was just passing the time. and i could walk away right now with no hard feelings. i could walk away right now without thinking twice. i really want this, i really want it all to work out the way i've been praying it will. this is all i really want for me. that time, for those few months... i've never been so happy in my life.

there are so many ways i could say, "he's the only guy who..." so i'll just say this: he's the only guy.

so consider this my "preemptive strike."

"so excuse me forgetting but these things i do
you see i've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
anyway, the thing is, what i really mean,
yours are the sweetest eyes i've ever seen"

- Elton John "Your Song" -

25 August 2005

slow things down or speed them up, not enough or way too much

i've got this weird feeling in my stomach... something is going to happen very soon and i don't feel the way i should feel, the way he expects me to feel, the way i tell him that i feel. i feel like my insides are bouncing inside me, swarming and dispersing, hitting the walls of my skin and bouncing into chaos. i'm made of pure electricity. i'm going to be torn in two.

i'm hurting. this is not easy for me... my heart has been stepped on too much, i'm so sick of crying, so sick of being lonely. i always feel like i'm the only thing holding all of this together, and that can apply to a number of situations. i hate to feel like i'm the only one who really cares. i try and try and try, at the expense of my own happiness, to ensure the happiness of others. (CF) told me the other night at the airport that i can't always try to take care of everyone all the time. when he said it i was already angry, but now i kind of understand.

still, what can i do? i know what i want and i don't know how else to go about getting it. give up and never know what could have been? for surely i can't rely on the other to keep things together. someone knows what i'm talking about. it may not be what you think. i can explain when i talk to you.


i keep checking my mail by the way. i want to know what i should do now. i'll need to get some money set aside... but i will make this happen. i've waited so long for this to happen, i won't lose the chance because i don't have the funds.

also, i have a date of sorts tonight.

"spare me just three last words,
'i love you' is all she heard.
i'll wait for you, but i can't wait forever..."

- Hawthorne Heights "Ohio is for Lovers" -

24 August 2005

my bedside is cold, for I am gone

got an email today that stopped my heart. if only i could just tell you how perfect the timing is. still, can't bet on anything just yet. it's so hard to control myself right now - and it wasn't even that big a deal! i'm going to burst at the seams. and i've decided to quit smoking... after this pack i'm done. i know this isn't the best time to try to quit considering all that is going on, but... it needs to be done. let me just add that you don't even know the half of it.


someone said my smile causes cancer. actually, i think i said that in response to a compliment someone gave me about my smile... something about rolling it up and smoking it. whatever.


two weeks and counting... sigh...

- All American Rejects "My Paper Heart" -

05 August 2005

were you born to resist or be abused

faithful readers, fear thee not! for i have returned, if but only for a moment, to fill you in on the life you're glad you don't have.

i actually don't have much to say... really just working, with a side of driving... sprinkle in a generous helping of air conditioning, add a black cowboy hat, a dash of taco bell, two small grey cats, pour in evenly a few family guy episodes and blend until smooth. serve chilled with blonde hair dye, a jedi knight, and five pillows for decoration. viola! you have my life. best if washed down with something very alcoholic. cause i know i do.

that last part there was a lie. sometimes i miss the liver i used to have but it's still ok to pretend.

i'll try to give you a more comprehendible version of the events since the last time i graced this website:

1. new bedford isn't as bad as i thought it was, or as i made it out to be, or both. i actually kind of like it. you know, when people aren't getting all shot up. i think maybe i'll stay here afterall. for now. i need to find a good sushi place, though. it's been awhile. also, the cape is absolutely beautiful... that beach we were on, near CF's parents' house, i don't even know where it is, was breathtaking. i can't wait to get those pictures developed.

2. the shaw's i'm working at now is sort of ok, too. when the new store opens in wareham and the service desk manager goes to work there, i'll get her spot - a pay increase and 40 hours again, which will be nice.

3. the kenny chesney concert was really fun, but long. we just about died out there in the sun. i enjoyed gretchen wilson's set the most, and she is my hero. keith urban is much more attractive than i expected. and foxboro stadium (i refuse to call it by its newer, corporate name) is beautiful and i definitely want to go back there for a patriots game sometime this season. hint hint.

4. i despise myspace and deeply hate myself for continuing to have an account. someone (coughtomraffertycough) added me as their friend and then deleted me like 3 days later and won't look at me when we're at work together. and, against my better judgement, i gave you a chance to forget the fight and talk to me again. your stubbornness is funny to me, but i'm not going to waste my time on you anymore. also, anyone who posts half naked pictures of themself is really, really sad. no one wants to see your flabby abs. come on now. have some fucking self respect.

5. KATIE BUG - i saw that sign today, and i'm taking it down. BARBI - i miss you and i wish i could see you before you go. you'd better keep in touch the whole time you are gone. and you'd better by like and E7 by then. POOKS - i'm not avoiding you, i tried to call you today, you didn't answer, call me back. MY KNIGHT - i miss you too! you should come see my house, and the kittens, and then take them home with you. ICYFYERESS - your baby is beautiful and i love getting the pics in my inbox. thank you for being so supportive. JEN-BO - if you read this? i want to see you before the summer is over. give me a call. also, i noticed the maxima is for sale... :( AMANDA-PANTS and K-DAWG - where have you been? i miss you guys... NIBBEY - i'm coming to your house today. you will have no way of knowing that. YOSHI - an hour away is just that, an hour. not the end of the world. and you never call, either. stop being lazy. i saw you today and you didn't even care. that makes me sad. VIP - so glad you're back in the world now. and i'm still plotting the escape.

6. my new favorite color is light green, and i dyed my hair again. also, i need glasses. the kittens ate my favorite pair of sandals and i had to get a new pair, which i hate. i'm sick of reeses peanut butter cups. it's really friggin hot outside.

7. monday is my birthday.

- Foo Fighters "Best of You" -

11 July 2005

cause if I'd never seen your face...

i don't know what i'm doing anymore. i feel completely helpless. i don't know how it happened, but suddenly my whole life is in a tailspin, and i'm helpless to get myself stabilized again. this is not how it was supposed to be. i feel completely suffocated, like my environment is stagnant. i'm always restless wherever i'm at, anxious to get onto the next thing, when usually i don't have a next thing. i hate the routine. i'm so sick of driving and working and smoking butts and sleeping a few hours and waking up tired and driving again. i don't know what i want anymore.

two days ago i had a long conversation with CF and he cried a lot, so did i. he cried and told me how he was feeling, how he has no idea how he was feeling, how he wanted to understand how he was feeling. he said he's going to try to get some help, he hopes his insurance will cover at least some of it, he just needs a professional to help him sort out the mess in his head, and that he needs me to stay with him while he's working himself out. but really, i'm all out of strength to give him. i need to take care of myself. all my life i've been like a sponge, soaking up all the wrong in other people around me, taking in every shitty thing they've ever done to me and normalizing them all. i can't fucking take it anymore. i can't absorb any more of it.

i can't help him to understand himself because i don't know who i am. i don't know where i'm going or how i'm going to get there. i don't know what i want, i don't know what the FUCK i'm doing. i don't know how to make myself happy anymore. all of the sudden i don't have any answers. i can't just go on doing whatever, living like normal, hanging out with people and having fun and getting shit done for myself. i've lost the motivation to even breathe. it always feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. am i having panic attacks? i don't even know what's wrong with me. i fucking hate everything now.

i hate new bedford, i hate the drive to get here, i hate wanting to leave all the time.

i hate my new shaw's, i hate all the brain dead people i have to work with, i hate my new apartment, i hate having to sleep alone, i hate the fucking kittens and having to worry about them all the time, i hate having to take care of myself. i hate having to do my own laundry and having to pay for it, too.

i hate having bills and i hate not having any money, i hate having to ask for help all the time, i hate wishing i could go back to senior year and do everything all over again. i hate wondering if i could move back in with my parents and hate the thought of moving back in with my parents. i hate that CF lives with his parents now.

i hate wanting to move to california and being afraid i'll never get there. i hate knowing there's a distinct possibility that there's nothing out there for me.

i hate the blackstone valley, i hate seeing people i went to school with who are now successful and happy. i hate not having any friends. i hate knowing people are out having a great time and haven't thought to all me to see if i wanted to come along. i hate a certain someone who left for the summer and still hasn't bothered to call to let me know she's ok. and i hate knowing that she'd just say, "well the phone works both ways" because I'M not the one who left. i shouldn't be the one to call.

i hate my stupid phone and how it's broken again, i hate not being able to get up and leave whenever i want. i hate how nothing ever goes my way. i hate being hungry, i hate having to eat, i hate wanting sushi every night and not getting it.

i hate not having any good pictures of myself.

i hate country music and how i listen to it all the time and how much of a poser i feel like when i pull up someplace with the windows down and the music up. i hate missing emo and not missing emo. i hate feeling disloyal to WBRU.

i hate how it's been almost a whole week and still nothing, no word, no emails or phone calls and i STILL don't know what happened. i hate how you always say you'll get a hold of me and then you never do. i hate waiting and wondering what you're going to do. i hate how you're noncommittal about EVERYTHING.

i hate being stuck in this fucking rut and not knowing how to pull myself out of it. i don't know what the fuck i'm doing! i have no direction! i want to just run away from everything and start over, but then i don't even know how to do that, or who i'd want to start over as, or where i would go, or how i would get there. i can't stand not having all the answers. i just want to be happy and i don't know how to do that for myself anymore. i just want to be irresponsible and go and do whatever and not have to worry about the consequences. i want to be 16 again. i don't even know if that would solve anything.

and i hate how you all think i'm whining when i'm really on the verge of a nervous fucking breakdown and don't know what else to do. i'm falling apart. i can't breathe.

- LeAnn Rimes "Probably Wouldn't Be This Way" -

08 July 2005

and I keep my Christmas lights on, on my front porch all year long

you should all be ashamed of me. i'm going to see kenny chesney on the 23rd... and K-Dawg - can i still borrow your hat? and how much would you love me if i managed to get it signed, too?


what the fuck? how are you going to leave me hanging like that? you can't just start telling my something so important and then stop before you get to the ending. i don't care HOW busy you are. there is no excuse for this. and you're on friggin vacation now. call me or send me a damn email to let me know what's going on, even if it's nothing, at least i'll know.


there's a big monitor that hangs on the back wall of the service desk at my new store, a closed circuit television wired to the camera next to it. if you stand in front of the service desk, you can watch yourself on the screen. in full color. in like high-def. it's creepy. i miss the grainy black and white screen in the bookkeeping office in whitinsville. i try not to stand in front of the monitor here - i don't want it looking at me. i stand in the corner of the desk when there are no customers, out of view of the television's cold eye. it's there to deter would-be thieves or whatever, to stop people from robbing the desk. every time i turn around to get a customer a scratch ticket, i briefly wonder if i'm going to get shot in the back.

so four days ago a guy got shot over by monte park, at acushnet ave and russell street, during the fireworks display. that's walking distance from my house. i'm not really sure how i feel about that. i was driving home when he was getting shot, three times to be exact. new bedford is a funny town; the little cluster of old-timey mansions that my house is in is right next to the ghetto. i grew up in COWTOWN, ok? i've never had to worry about people busting caps all over the place. this is rediculous. i want to go back to riding one of my cows down to the general store to get food and whatnot. enough of this city living.

and i haven't even been here a month... (sigh)


oh and i'm back in Brandy and Monica mode again...

- Gretchen Wilson "Redneck Woman" -

04 July 2005

close your eyes and I'll kiss you

wow... so...

and happy 4th.


this will be dull. i will not apologize. i am tired and i have to work in the morning.

so yesterday was one of the greatest in a long time... got to be a little redneck for the day (but now my poor shoulders and face are red!), saw an asshole c-list country singer perform a couple songs... but really it was the people that made it fun. went to Indian Ranch for the first time... man oh man. and some zany guy tried to teach us how to line dance. K-Dawg, Amanda-Pants, Sassafras and i had so much fucking fun... and i didn't even know any of the guy's songs. stuck around and then the pissed off American Idol wannabe signed my wife beater... left them and ended up at a bowling alley with CF. bowled three games ($35 friggin dollars later...) and went back to his house. i'd been nursing a headache all day, but almost as soon as we were in his room, i was just blindsided by it. my head hurt so bad i couldn't see. ended up staying at his house (there was no way i could drive like that), left this morning for new bedford. did some shit, drove back to whitinsville, chilled with CF and cleaned some more of the uxbridge apartment, my cell phone died. now i'm back in new bedford, tired as fuck, and i'm going to sleep now. maybe tomorrow i'll tell you all the things that were said today.

and i got a (real) kiss goodnight.

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Scar Tissue" -

27 June 2005

you gave me something that I didn't have, but had no use

(grinds teeth)

this is fucking retarded. CF strikes again... this is getting SO old.


so Nibbey left this morning... still not sure how i really feel about that. in complete honesty, i feel more than a little betrayed. two weeks without so much as a phone call, then i find out why last night. no one thought to give me a call and let me know Rico was back.

and i'm not sure she would have even told me she was leaving if we hadn't run into her at the mall saturday night. i'd told her she was more than welcome to move in with me in new bedford for the summer... and no? i'm not the one who up and left for a year, HE IS. I'VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME. i dropped what i was doing HOW many times to go to her house, take her away from whatever was going on? that's not even important. i'm not looking to be repaid or anything. i just...

and i KNOW they've been friends for longer than she and i have, but fucking seriously. after all the shit that happened, and she knows about EVERYTHING... what the fuck? and i'm not asking her to choose sides, i'm really not. i would never ask her to do that. i just never expected to by number two to fucking Rico.

i can't describe to you how hurt i am because (a) i really don't think she would have told me had i not seen her and (b) LOOK WHO IT FUCKING IS!

a phone call would have been nice. is that too much to ask for? i'm going to start screaming. i'm going to stand up in the middle of this library and start screaming and throwing shit and the cops are going to have to come and escort me out.

fuck this shit.


check for new mail... check for new mail... check for new mail... check for new mail... check for new mail...


- Foo Fighters "Best of You" -

23 June 2005

maybe I just wanna fly


so now my door handle is fixed... the guy at the garage is calling the Mitsubishi dealership today to get me a part to make the window work again. sucks trying to smoke through the passenger window when you're driving. i should just quit.

mmm... was going to say something... was thinking about it all day... YOU SEE?? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON'T WRITE IT DOWN!!

wow, work sucked. but only another 9 days... we'll see where i'm at after that... and yeah, it's a pretty shitty job... still, i'm gonna miss the people there like crazy. i'm gonna miss the craziness, the massive amount of unnecessary work, the redundancy, but mostly the people. i was a little ashamed to admit that fact to Mr. Regular Army... but he smiled and said, "why do you think i'm still in the Guard?"

good point.

wore my hair down today... it's getting so long. remember when all i could do was spike it? (shuders) it's nice to have hair again. and randomly someone asked me today if i surf. yeah. in Massachusetts, all the time.

man oh man... so last night was kinda odd. hung out a bit... CF made a date with me for friday night... ANYWHERE i want. he already knows where i want to go. watched some tv and he ended up staying the night... i dunno... he's fucking bipolar. but last night was nice. and i'm NOT going to base my existence on one night or one weekend or even one month. i'm still leaving in 9 days. and it's just one day at a time... i won't tell you what he said, but things are looking... not exactly up, but at least at a 75 degree angle or so. i dunno. we'll see.

and 6 more days til wednesday... and my soul to squeeze....

"maybe i just want to breathe
maybe i just don't believe
maybe you're the same as me
we see things they'll never see
you and i are gonna live forever"

- Oasis "Live Forever" -

22 June 2005

don't look at me that way... it was an honest mistake

oh man oh man... it's... WEDNESDAY!! my most favorite day of the week... payday and _______. couldn't ask for more.


stayed at Money's house last night... drove around, watched tv, nothing eventful. he set an alarm for us to go to work for 7... woke up, i took a quick shower, we going in the car and drove to work... and it was only 5:45. somehow he set the alarm an hour earlier than he had to. nice, considering we didn't go to sleep until like 2. i'm fucking dragging ASS right now. that's ok.

work was alright, went by quickly. one of the ladies at work offered to rent me a room in her house so i wouldn't have to move away. i almost wish she'd said something about that BEFORE i made all these arrangements. i dunno... almost time now...

aw fuck. i gotta get going. lost track of time again. sorry this is so dull.

Money said my eyes looked really green this morning.

i forget i'm still awake
i fuck up and say these things out loud"

- The Bravery "An Honest Mistake" -

20 June 2005

the weight of my decisions were impossible to hold... but they were never yours

there is something insanely sad about driving past your best friend's house and seeing the FOR SALE sign at the end of the driveway. damn, i'm gonna miss that pool... (sigh)


sometimes i wish there was a photographer that followed me around everywhere, taking pictures of moments that will mean much more long after they've happened. not like a lunatic paparazzi-like photographer, just someone who'd quietly follow me and take my picture without being seen. he'd have to be with me every second of the day, though, cause you never know when you're about to do something that will change your life forever. i want a record of those moments, i want to hold them in my hands and look at them and smile and hang them on the fridge. i want something concrete, something i can show people later, when i'm telling a story.

i'm obsessed with documenting things. you must know this by now... i'm still here, still posting, even thought this journal has gotten me into more than a little trouble. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and just HAVE to write SOMETHING, lest i forget by morning... you never know, it could be the most important and relevant and profound thing i'm ever going to think!

or i'll be driving and i'll be spacing out, right, and then suddenly i'll have this idea, this crazy awesome idea, like how to start the first paragraph of that novel i keep meaning to write... and i'll try to just kick it around in my head until i can't stop and write it down... especially if i have to be somewhere, you know? i can't just pull over... and then usually by the time i get to where i'm going, the idea is gone, that first paragraph is still unwritten, still a big question mark.

but when i can, i write down everything. at work, right after i get out of the shower, before bed, while i'm watching The Daily Show... it makes me crazy cause the words are screaming to get out. sometimes when i'm not alone and i'm trying to be quiet, i can hear the thoughts clawing the inside of my skull. i'm not crazy. i just need to bleed these thoughts before they overwhelm me.

i'm going off on a tangent. what i really wanted to mull over is that photographer... wouldn't that be great? i could look at those pictures later and be able to remember EVERYTHING, cause i'd have that visual, and the rest would just fall into place. i'd have everything else, the smells, tastes, sounds... i'd have this beautiful memory, enhanced by the photos... and i'd never forget anything.

so if you could have a photographer follow you around, what photos would be on your fridge?

i've got a couple i want to hang on to. see if you can figure who all is in them.

and i told you i'd warn you: now i'm going to reflect:

it was after school and we had just broken up and i was sitting on the front steps, crying in the sunshine. i called him because he was my best friend then and there was no one else i wanted to see more than him. his older brother drove him to my house and dropped him off and he came to the steps to sit with me. i asked him if he was thirsty and without waiting for his answer, i went into the house and brought out two glasses of Sunny Delight. we sat there on the steps for a long while and he listened to me while i talked and cried. there was a lull in the conversation and he put his drink down and wrapped his arms around me. SNAP.

we were sitting outside on his porch playing scrabble. the movie had just ended and we were talking about what we thought it was about. he was wearing his Eddie Bower tee shirt, the same one he was wearing last summer when i decided i didn't hate him. it was nice outside and he was winning and i lit a cigarette, only the third or so i'd had all day. inside, before the movie ended, i'd put on this silly straw cowboy hat that was sitting on the end-table next to the futon. he smiled at me, out there playing scrabble, and told me the hat suited me. SNAP.

it was hot and muggy and we were standing out on the causeway, it was dark. we were talking about the moon and how pretty is was reflecting over the water, and he said i was like the moon. i thought he was being a little sappy. we looked some more and talked and leaned against the concrete where people always go fishing. we were looking at the sky, and i spotted a shooting star, and pointed, so that he would see it too. he came forward and hugged me and i rested my head on his chest and breathed in the night air and thought that there wasn't a single other place on this planet i would have rather been at that second. SNAP.

he was leaving the next morning and i'd had too much to drink, WAY too much. i was so sick... i've never been as sick as i was then. he found me in his bedroom while the party was going on in the other room, just me and Peace Pipe, sharing a bottle of vodka. he knew i was going to be sick and he picked me up, carried me like a child to the bathroom, where he sat me down next to the toilet. i didn't want to throw up but he was forcing me to drink some milk, i just wanted to lay down and sleep. he was so worried. i threw up a little and rested my head on the toilet seat, trying to calm my stomach. he sat on the floor next to me, his back against the bathroom door, his head in his hands, and he was crying. SNAP.

we had been out that night, at the mall i think, i don't remember, it doesn't matter. it was dark and i had to be back and anyway we were both tired. we were driving thought the gate and i gave him my ID, which he handed to the MP, the MP looked at them and handed them back and we were on post. and he was telling me that he'd never spent time alone with a girl whom he was only friends with. and we were alone, we'd been alone all evening, and i didn't catch what he was trying to say so i asked him, as he was handing me back my ID. our hands touched and he grasped my fingers and held on. i looked over from our hands to his eyes and understood. SNAP.


From: _______
to: Starfish1130
Subject: Opposite of guilt
Date: Wed, 25 Feb 2004 9:10:40 PM Eastern Standard Time

I am glad that you blush. That makes me happy. It's not that I am walking on eggshells, it's more like carrying eggs. I know you will hate to hear this, but I think you are fragile. Not little girl fragile. Not weak fragile. Like puppy fragile. You like to play rough, but you still need lots of love and affection. And I want to give you that love and affection. That and kisses.


next time you see me, give me a hug.

- Taking Back Sunday "This Photograph Is Proof" -

15 June 2005

you're so polite indeed... well I've got everything I need

i think i know the definition of soul mate.

that one person... and in time past, miles apart, lives changed... that one person is still there. a TRUE promise, a promise to never give up... so long and i still mean it. i've never seen someone look at me the way you do, no one has ever made me feel so loved. i've never trusted someone so completely. it's always bee more easy to hate you... but i don't... i understand and i will continue to wait. just passing the time, everyone else has just been a filler to make it go by a little quicker.

i know this all came out of nowhere.

and yeah, it's cliche, but i never meant for all of this to happen... i don't regret one second of it. i saw you and you spoke and i KNEW. it was so hard to concentrate on those stupid lessons... i was overcome by the urge to learn how to juggle... sometimes i drink arizona green tea... and peel off the label like you always do... and i never would have have tried sushi... i loved the swampy car... loved the bobble head on the dash... loved those broken shoes... and your desert cammies... loved watching you play... love hearing you sing... love the late night conversations and the inside jokes and loved knowing you felt the same way i did.

i never meant it when i said i'd do anything for someone.

sure, i've compromised here and there for whomever, giving up little stupid things, choosing to just hide the rest... but i have never been more serious. i'd leave everything. this feeling is one i can't walk away from. i may never get the opportunity to have pure and complete happiness. you make me that happy. you make me want to stop doing all the things to myself and other people that have caused so many problems in my life. you make the drama go away. i don't have to question myself with you.

i want to be able to say these things to you instead of type them and let them be. i want you to understand exactly how i feel... i want to know what you want me to do. and i know you have no answers. but you can't just keep waiting and seeing... you just keep waiting and seeing and then maybe you'll never have to make any decisions, because everyone will just make them for you you. you can't do that. you have to make them yourself.

i sound like a little kid. i've lost all my eloquence. there are no words to dress this up and make it make more sense. i don't understand either. i still can't wrap my head around all that has happened, and how my feelings HAVE NOT CHANGED. you should have faded away by now... it's really something that you haven't.

so i guess i can't tell you what a soul mate is. this has been a very poor definition. i'm sorry. i miss... everything.

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Soul To Squeeze" -

14 June 2005

I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear

ah, drill... it's the damn surface of the sun and i'm rolling in the sand with a greasy, burning weapon... my uniform smells like CS and my lungs are still complaining... i've got sandy sweat in my eyes, it's so damn hot... the rounds we have are shit, i haven't ever touched this weapon i am firing with... none of them were cleaned the last time they were used and all are malfunctioning... not enough CLP... not enough water... i'm hungry and i don't want a heater meal... i'm sick of my kevlar... it's heat CAT 5 now... range control reports it's 102 degrees with the heat index... still firing... night fire after this, can't leave the range yet... god, i must smell like shit... my shoulder is sore from firing... i just want to crawl into a lake and die.

i heart the army.

man... gotta go to work...

"cause that's just who i am this week"

- Fall Out Boy "Sugar, We're Goin Down" -

08 June 2005

sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key... sing me anything


here, print this one out:

wednesday: fucked up. a phone call at work that made no sense. lots of cigarettes.

thursday: fucked up? i think. i don't remember. probably nothing.

friday: MORE fucked up. a trip to woonsocket, pizza and soda on the bed... then a phone call and an admission... an apology. a drive in my car, the back porch, the bedroom, a fan in the window.

saturday: the movies? was it saturday? the days are all running in together. the movies (i think) and something else... ??

sunday: breakfast, then the grafton flea market. all the way to the rope swing in douglas, turned back, the apartment... a beard trimmer, the back porch. later, mini golf? but no. my car, another long drive and then nothing.

monday: supposed sickness in the morning, a quick stop in northbridge... burger king for lunch and home depot after work. drove and drove... the bank, home depot, the mall... thunderstorm warning and i didn't have to be alone.

tuesday: woke up late and hurried up 495... uxbridge then providence then dartmouth then new bedford then fall river then back. a clean car, barefoot football, darkness and the drive back. another phone call... the back porch, the bedroom, back again and back again... sleep...

now it's wednesday again.

"you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would, you would..."

- Straylight Run "Existentialism on Prom Night" -

03 June 2005

and if you carry on this way, things are better if I stay

THAT was fucking weird. i swear that man has a chemical imbalance.

a few crazy days, some shit i can't talk about here. you want to know? call me. but no more plans for the next few days! as if i don't have enough zany half-developed ideas in the works. i'm going to stay in Maine/New Hampshire. i'm going to Worcester. i'll be on Linden St. i'm staying home and playing with the cats. i'll be in R.I. i'll be with _____. you want me? call me. call me call me call me. and i'll tell you about my nights.

this shit is bananas.

and my phone's ringing... again...


oh, and there's a liar in the midst... someone planting scandals... and running around with half truths mixed with what i could be implying... someone coming to me seemingly unarmed (i'm not that stupid, you know)... hmmm... wonder who that could be... (taps chin thoughtfully)

- My Chemical Romance "Helena" -

30 May 2005

so close to drowning but I don't mind

god, that was stupid. and yet i don't feel as badly as i know i should. it was a very bad thing that i did. i think what makes it worse is that i enjoyed myself 96% of the time doing it. i feel bad for not feeling bad. no one knows what i am talking about. i'm not sure i'm ready to share. most of you will agree that i've been incredibly dumb and i need to cut the shit right fucking now. i don't even recognize CF anymore. his bloodshot eyes and dopey smile just make me sad. how did this happen? those where the people i laughed at in high school, hanging out at the ETD parking lot (not much difference from a McDonalds in, say, Whitinsville), smoking pot and sleeping around. how did i fall for... trash? but i love it as much as i hate it, in a perverse way. i know i am not like this. it disgusts me. but i want to wallow in it, bathe in the filth, scrub my pores with it until i am clean. i want to know what it is like to change personalities in the middle of a conversation. i want to understand how one can fail so completely to see their potential. i want to know how not to care.

- Green Day "Burnout" -

25 April 2005

I tried to say I'd be there, waiting for...

so this morning i painted my nails midnight blue and didn't smudge a single one of them, not one little flaw. i'm pretty proud of myself, not just cause they came out so perfect, but for having the patience to let them dry fully.

you see, it was a really bloody weekend. but it's ok though, i'm still standing, a little bruised but otherwise unharmed. i'm proud of that, too. it's not every weekend you lose 3.25 friends in one swift motion. it's ok, though, i'm fine and we'll be fine. in fact we've never been closer. we spent sunday formulating our plan, not a plan B but THE plan. and whatever skepticism i had was demolished after our 2 hour conversation last night in bed. he did most of the talking, but i can't describe to you how much was accomplished in that time. we're really going to do this.

all but one of you have no idea what i'm talking about. it's ok. there's still so much more planning to do before i'm ready to share our secret with the world.


ps do you ever use the popcorn button on the microwave? cause i always look twice when i see a red grand am.

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "By The Way" -

23 February 2005

for you I'd bleed myself dry

so i was like seven or eight or so and loved to spend time with my dad. he used to take me to the junk yard with him whenever he needed to find parts for whatever car he was working on at the time. he'd walk through the junk yard looking for a car to pull apart out of and i'd run off by myself, climbing into old school busses and sitting in the driver's seat, pretending to drive through a sea of cars. i wouldn't mind getting covered in dirt or that my jeans would have smudges of motor grease on the knees.

one time while we were there looking for a part an ice cream truck came by and the owner of the junk yard, who was friends with my dad, bought me an ice cream and i thought that was the coolest thing because i've never seen an ice cream truck before, i mean, other than on tv. that's what happens when you live in the rural-ist of rural towns.

i miss hanging out with my dad... (and not just for the ice cream)

- Coldplay "Yellow" -