thought you had all the answers to rest your heart upon

Sunday: Family Guy

Monday: House

Tuesday: American Idol

Wednesday: American Idol

Thursday: Hell's Kitchen / The Office

Friday/Saturday: (stare at each other bleakly)

...

Today I was outside on the back deck smoking a cigarette, talking to my parents, when my wedding ring fell off and slipped between the boards. 30 minutes and a broken coat hanger, a chopstick, some electrical tape, and a bread-tie later - SUCCESS! My ring was safely back on my hand and the universe was set right.

Ok, so it wasn't my *real* wedding ring that fell, it was the shitty one I took to Iraq with me (in case I died and some shifty medic swiped it) but still! Pretty traumatizing. 

Luckily my parents were there on the phone to talk me down from the crisis: "Bend a paper clip!" (none in the house) "Use a bobby pin!" (haven't owned a bobby pin since high school) "Piano wire!" (wtf?)

So now I feel like fucking MacGyver. Rock on.

"well you can pin yourself back together,

to who you thought you were"

- Bird York "In The Deep" -

but somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got too cool

Have not had much to blog about lately, but I hate waiting a long time between posts and then have to type one of those horrid update lists.

Anyway.

I am now exactly (as of yesterday) 6 months into my tour with First Army. I'm now in the narrow window in which a decision needs to be made: do I stay here and continue this thankless mission, or do I move on? I've always believed a door will open when I need it, and I have faith that if I decide to move on from this mission, there will be something else for me. But what? Whenever is the devil you don't know better than the devil you know? Remember when I was looking forward to THIS job??

I'll keep you informed, faithful readers, but I've all but made up my mind already...

You ready for a mindfuck? - I've been home from Iraq 8 months yesterday. EIGHT MONTHS. Iraq used to hang on my lips, wrap around my shoulders, hold my hand - for a time (wasn't it always?), Iraq defined me. I was significant because of Iraq. Do you see that? I was superior because I was there, and all my sarcasm, my mood swings, my snootiness, my dark humor, everything was justified because I was in fucking Baghdad. Now I'm nothing, a regular worthless human. Now it feels a little like a dream. 

...Tell me, why does that depress me?

...

Also - if you hate me for whatever reason I don't understand, if you don't want to talk to me anymore, if you're so caught up in fixing your life that you couldn't possibly have me be a part of it (lest I mess it up like before, right?), please just let me know. Trust me, that will be a million times easier than to hear, "my phone is fucked up" or "our internet got shut off" or whatever. There are no other phones in the greater United States? I think my head just might explode.

"but when I say let's keep in touch

I really mean I wish that you'd grow up"

- Brand New "Mix Tape" -

I found a dream that I could speak to

Home alone, tv is on (another House rerun), laundry in the dryer, two sleeping cats on the couch, an empty bowl of soup and a glass of apple juice.

I hate this big empty house.

...

Today was productive. I worked out at the Air Force gym, picked up the [redacted], redispatched the GSA, helped the LT work on my NCOER, mailed a card for her, researched MND-N for the next MRX (in February!), started rewriting scenarios. I'm excited! The NCOER reminded me that I'll be promoted in the next few months (I WILL) and gave a little wind to my sails. And rewriting the scenarios (and incorporating suggestions from past AARs) made me feel organized and efficient; I'm three weeks ahead of myself!

Staying busy staying busy staying busy...

...

I'm still feeling crappy about letting the PAOC deployment go, but I think it's for the best. Don't you think so too? I have this little house to take care of, two little cats to take care of, a little husband to take care of. Surely this little life would just rip apart if I were to leave, so that's why I'm staying for now... right?      Right??

"at last, my love has come along

my lonely days are over

and life is like a song"

- Etta James "At Last" -

but I've made long term plans based on these mistakes

Status: mid-afternoon, just out of the shower

Alcohol units consumed: 1 2 3

Weather: snowing

So someone told me today that they have been too "grumpy" to be my friend (in response to me asking why they fell off the face of the planet for the, I dunno, umpteenth time). Yeah, seriously. If I hadn't been trying to slay this dragon of a problem for, like, years, I'd probably be hurt/surprised. Instead I'll just laugh about it here and openly mock this individual and all the reasons why he lets his life suck the way it does. Faced with a problem/challenge/whatever, you can (a) do something about it or (b) do nothing but stop whining. Kthanks.

I did send a sarcastic response to the email which I likely won't hear back to for some time. Fuckin bawwww.

In happier, more interesting news... the new episode of House is on tonight and I cannot fucking wait. I've been watching House reruns on USA to temper my appetite but they are a weak substitute. And I've pretty much given up on CSI now that Grissom left (and Sara, and Warrick), so all I have to look forward to on television is House and The Office.

Oh, and fuck: back to work tomorrow. Joy.

"you never knew

(well I never told you)

everything I know about breaking hearts

I learned from you, it's true"

- Taking Back Sunday "There's No 'I' In Team" -

I was certain that the season could be held between my arms

I did it. I told the PAOC I can't deploy with them. It's all over.

He said:

Don't apologize. I understand completely... in fact, we had already come to the realization that it would not be easy to have you join us. We do however thank you deeply for wanting to come here and join us. I will pass the message to [the commander] and the rest of the unit. Good luck... and take care of all those PA units that come through Fort Dix. We all appreciate your dedication and professionalism.

Now please, leave me alone for awhile. I need time to cry.

"hand out the window

floating on air

just a flip of the wrist and I'm waving you goodbye"

- Dashboard Confessional "So Long, So Long" -

taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting

I am not an especially smart person.

I know I speak well, I belive I'm a decent writer, and I at least meet the standard when it comes to most things in my life. But smart? Surely not brilliant. I don't really have any marketable skills (out in the *real* world) and there's nothing I'm exceptional at, except maybe at being mediocre. But still, I get by. Even being painfully average, I've found a purpose at Dix that makes me happy (for the most part... and not counting the immense guilt...) and so my life is small, but shiny.

But if I were brilliant - it would almost be an insult to the universe to squander it, to have nothing to show but this little existence that I have to work at to keep spinning. Embarrassing. I wish I were brilliant, that I knew more about politics, that I understood the state of the world a little more, that I could build something beautiful with my hands. Some of this I can work on, but at the end of the day, all I've got is what I was born with. I can't cook, I get bored easily, I'm no good at cars, sports are only vaguely interesting to me, I'm not particularly creative, computers/technology/whatever is overwhelming and foreign. I've got nothing. Do you know how depressing that is?

I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm sitting alone in my hotel room in Atlanta, slightly drunk, and sad. I don't know how to talk to you.

"how many times can I break til I shatter?
over the line, can't define what I'm after...
I always turn the car around."

- O.A.R. "Shattered" -

I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight

I fed some ducks again today - not as many this time. The air is getting much colder, even during the day, so I've been seeing less wildlife in general. It was just beautiful, out on the dock this afternoon. I had a beautiful time, just me and the ducks! The air smelled so cold and sharp and wintery - and I loved the sound of crunching leaves as I walked down the boardwalk to the dock. I broke up some rolls that were getting stale (I saved the rolls especially for them, and let them get a little stale so they wouldn't get gooey and sink into the lake right away) and fed a small group - maybe 10 or so.

I have the rest of the evening to myself. Sometimes the quiet is spooky (two whole walls in my great room are windows, so...) but tonight (so far) it isn't so bad; it's kind of nice, actually. I'm going to do some laundry and put on some pajama pants fresh from the dryer and try the new euro shams in the sham covers I got last week. I feel a little more domestic these days, but I still feel like I'm not doing much of anything in the grand scheme of things. My pajama pants will be here waiting for me, no matter where I go to. So why not? Catch a blowing breeze and fly off until I'm done being wild.

I want to adopt a former racing greyhound. I want to hold its sad little head in my hands and look into its sad little eyes and know that my life hasn't been as hard as this creature's has. Maybe the greyhound and I can learn to live as normal creatures, together.

I'll teach it not to chase my (wild) ducks.

"I am a little divided.

Do I stay or run away

and leave it all behind?"

- Foo Fighters "Times Like These" -

strangers down the line, lovers out of time

It starts out perfect - catch your breath, can't stand to be apart, hold hands, kisses in the car, late nights talking... then the good manners fall down, you start to resent quirks you previously found interesting... tempers become short, you forget how to compromise, grudges are held, you fall asleep angry... and finally you find yourself eating meals together in silence, because to open your mouth would be to invite a fight, and saying nothing at all is better than the screaming.

Why bother?

I travel too fucking much - I can't sustain a decent relationship from across the globe. And I'm not willing to give up this life I've made for myself. If it comes down to love or this life, this life wins hands down. And I'm not saying that the travel is everything - maybe I'm just not programmed for a long-term relationship.

I am about to move again - tomorrow, actually. I'm moving to New Jersey for a year (at least a year) unless I can find another deployment (but that's another conversation in itself...). I am moving despite only being home (really home) for a month... a week in Florida in June, last two weeks in Mississippi... so much time away from my own bed, the comfort of a whole house... so much time with my things in bags, packed in three drawers and a wall locker... and yet here I am, on the verge of another adventure... the whole highway stretched out before me... a long monotonous trip I've grown so fond of. And then - alone! A new place to live, more bags to live out of, yet another strange bed and yet again: feeling my way around a different place with people who don't know me.

(scared and) Alone.

(can I do this) Alone.

(don't want to be) Alone.

I work the word around my mouth like it were a marble... foreign, cold marble... cold... alone...

I miss us so bad it hurts. SobadIcan'tbreathesobaditfeelslikeImightexplodesobadIcan'tstopcryingsobadit'skillingme

"so please...

you know you're just like me.

next time I promise we'll be perfect.

perfect.

perfect."

- Smashing Pumpkins "Perfect" -

if you call, I will answer

it's not that bad - i'll stop before it gets any worse
or
tomorrow i'll quit
or
this is it, this is the last time
or
if it ever feels like this again, it's done
or
or as soon as this is over (just let me get through this), i'll stop
or
one last chance to feel better - i mean it this time

...i think i must know how addicts feel

make excuses, make excuses, make excuses

excuses

excuses

excuses

excuses

make excuses so you don't have to

deal. . . . . . . . . . . .
with. . . . . . . .
reality. . .

the mess you created.

and you know you have no one to blame but yourself.

i have always loved you - this is why you will kill me.

...but if i could, i would go back and take a huge eraser to the day i met you. i thought you had a nice smile. i never asked for this.

- Barenaked Ladies "Call and Answer" -

of a runaway american dream

my horoscope for today: "if you are feeling extra sensitive or emotional right now, don't fight it. turn to your loved ones for the comfort you need -- even just a short phone call could make you feel ten times better.

do not worry if you are going through some sad feelings, it's nothing to be concerned about. you are an imperfect human and it is a healthy thing to process all your feelings -- both the positive, 'it's going to be a great day' feelings and the negative 'i don't want to get out of bed' feelings."

ha. you have no fucking idea.

do you realize that i'm 22? when the fuck did this happen? i simultaneously feel like i'm 15 and 50. i'm either slapping myself for being so naive or realizing with horror how bitter i am. where did the last, like 4 years go? i've wasted so much fucking time being miserable, and why? ok... yes... i'll fucking admit it: i LIKE it. miserable is manageable, miserable i can take. miserable is familiar (where did i hear that?) and won't surprise me. it's safe.

but i hate it as much as i love it... does that make sense? i would KILL to be happier, you know? i just can't let go... and ever decision i make seems to go back to misery. is that even possible? even when i think i'm in love... can't embrace it fully unless it fucks me up a little.

and i see that this is only holding me back, i KNOW. i've been trying to turn all this angst and anger into something productive... can you imagine? can you imagine what i could accomplish if i could harness this? the thought... almost... scares me.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

can we please just talk about this? can you stop shutting down every time i try to talk to you about something that is bothering me? i'm going to have a mental fucking breakdown if i can't talk to SOMEONE about this. do you see the way my hands shake? the circles under my eyes? i want to dig my fingers into my eyes until i'm bleeding, can't see, claw my skin raw, slam my head against the wall until i black out. i'm falling the fuck apart.

this is fucking BAD and i can't.. i can't breathe sometimes. it makes me sick, i feel completely helpless and i hate that, i hate that more than you know. me? helpless? who saw THAT coming? i've tried so fucking hard to set myself up so that i don't need anyone for shit. of the most part, i don't... except for this... i can't keep all of this in my head or i'll go fucking crazy, i promise you. can you see what a big deal this is for me to even tell you this? please don't turn your back on me, i just want to talk, please.

i... i can't do this by myself.

...

today i realized something both insignificant and earth-shattering as i was reaching into my pocket for my chapstick. do you know how long i've had this particular tube of chapstick? i bought it before i went to fort dix and started using it probably a month into training. this never happens! usually by now it has either gotten lost or gone through the wash and melted in the dryer. i don't think i have ever, in my entire life, kept a tube long enough to use the whole thing. i can never hang on to chapstick for some reason.

kind of like my men.

...

Rico: i'm not over you. it's been 6 fucking years since you told me you loved me for the first time, and yeah, i really believed you, and that still fucking hurts. you can see the damage in me every single day. i set my heart in your hands so completely - i've never been so open and unguarded with anyone since you. yeah, it was a shitty relationship, but i still believed in the power of loving someone and its ability to solve any problem that arises. even when you were verbally (and eventually physically) abusive with me, i honestly thought it would be ok if only i loved you a little more, a little more... but loving you turned out to not be enough. par for the fucking course, as it would turn out.

what hurts me - crushes me - isn't that you fell for her. that i understand. what fucking destroys me is the fact that you LIED so easily and completely and never ONCE stopped to think about what that would do to me. the day you realized you loved her, the fucking DAY, you should have told me you didn't want to be with me anymore and spared me the next YEAR of agony. instead you told me i was wrong, paranoid, that you loved only me, and even when it was clear as day that you were lying, i continued to lie to MYSELF, like to myself for YOU, so you could have your cake and eat it too. don't you see that? all i wanted was for you to be happy, as the expense of myself. and i was willing to forgive, try to understand, if only you'd been honest with me...

sometimes i really think the day i found the letter she wrote you about the baby was the worst day of my life. i've felt that icy feeling in the pit of my stomach since then, but never like i did that day.

from the bottom of my heart, and with all of my soul: FUCK YOU.

and CF: i can barely bring myself to speak your name. what you did to me is equally unforgivable, but for different reasons. you never loved me but you told me you did, and you never loved her, though i'm sure you told her you did just the same. you stayed with me because it was convenient, and maybe you wanted to get caught, i don't know, you were so sloppy with you actions i can only reason that you didn't care if i found out. you never cared enough to even try to shelter me from the horrible truth, and you let her TEAR INTO ME while i stood there completely defenseless, armed only with your feeble explanation of your behavior. you brought her to our HOUSE, you held her in MY CAR. MY FUCKING CAR. in that way you are worse than Rico, because your actions had nothing to do with love and everything to do with YOURSELF. you never gave a SHIT about me.

but i ignored it, didn't i? ignored what i knew, anyways. and even as i found things out, i'd scream and through shit and yeah, that one time i hit you in the face, and then what? i'd cry and you'd hold me and the next day, a few days later, it was ok, like nothing happened. even as she rubbed my face in it! even as she described the inside of our apartment, or gleefully told me how you couldn't keep your hands off her when you ended up at her house after we'd had a fight, or how she met you every morning at work and brought you a coffee only minutes after i'd dropped you off, or recounted in sickening detail the threesome you had with her and rick the FIRST FUCKING MONTH WE LIVED TOGETHER, i fucking LET IT GO. how fucking STUPID was i to keep going back for more? i don't know who i hate more, you or myself.

NEVER, NEVER AGAIN.

...

so where are you? prince charming? where you hiding?

are there any truthful, faithful guys our there? hello? hello??

honest... LOYAL... MINE.

and... AND i want someone to know the rootless life i am going to lead, and be ok with it. can you really see me standing in the kitchen with an apron on, a plate of cookies in my hands? meeting you at the front door with a kiss? that isn't me, i can't be the one to sit at home and wonder what the fuck is going on. there will be no two car garage, white picket fence, golden retriever. i'm not sure i even want a house - or kids - at all. i'm not even sure i should be in a fucking relationship with anyone, nevermind try to settle down anywhere. my life is too fucking short to sit anywhere. i've already lost too much time. i want to chase you around the world and be chased, i want to wake up in a different city as soon as i've learned my way around the last one.

i thought i'd come close to an understanding, a heartbeat in time with mine, but it turns out the closer i get, the farther away it seems i am. you cannot find yourself in another person and think that's it, there's your refuge. is there really a light at the end of the tunnel? i'm beginning to think there isn't.

i'm always running, always jumping through the hoops, always trying and hoping that my efforts will pay off in the end... and you look at me like you don't even know me. i look in the mirror and i barely know myself. i should be deliriously happy with this life i've been afforded, with the result of my sweat. i could go anywhere from here, and i will, make no mistake. i just want someone to come with me, travel and grow and BURN with me the way i have to. it's a waste of a day if i don't feel, at least once, like my heart is going to explode. i can't stand stagnancy, i won't ever allow myself to be tied down. so yeah, maybe i'll NEVER be satisfied! there are a dozen places i need to LIVE, a thousand places i need to SEE, a million things i need to DO. can you keep up with me? i'm starting to doubt that you can. i can't afford to lose any more time, i should be spiraling off in another direction, miles and miles from here. can you hold my had from across the world? i can already feel your fingers starting to slip.

so maybe... maybe i really am better off alone.

and maybe it's time to start dealing with the reality of just how fucked up i am. i could run until i can't breathe, drink until i can't stand, crawl in the sand after the shadow of MY american dream, and bathe myself near clean with the useless tears i've shed, and NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING will absolve me of my sins against MYSELF. i've ever done anything to you but LOVE you and that was never enough. how can i compare? SHE is so beautiful, so perfectly shaped, so smart and lovely, everything you want, SHE makes you light up like no one else, obviously, because she's STILL THERE, still looming in the background, just out of sight. and what have i been, the good times girl? my plain, lumpy self, a head full of problems... what was i really expecting?

how was it to know that you could have us both if only you'd learned the right words to say to me? and no matter what i do, no matter how much of myself i cut off and try to give to you, i'm always 2.

SHE has been different every time, but i'm always the same.

worn thin and aways 2.

so tell me - what is there to do but run?

"...someday, i don't know when

we're gonna get to that place

where we really want to go

and we'll walk in the sun..."

- Bruce Springsteen "Born to Run" -

well I guess I should have heard of them from you

i cried for a long fucking time tonight... took a walk and cried the entire way back to my room, cried until i couldn't see straight. i made it back and stood outside my door a second to catch my breath and i almost threw up. my chest ached (still does), my knees were weak (still are), my eyes felt like bruises (still do).

you don't understand (neither do i)... i started crying for NO FUCKING REASON, none at all. my day went EXACTLY the way i feared it would one say... and then there i was, crying so hard i couldn't breathe. it was just a day. just an average fucking day.

and the more i walked, it was like every injustice that had ever been done to against me, every shitty thing anyone has ever said to me, every time i've ever been lied to, cheated on, stabbed in the back, kicked while i was down... it all came crashing down on me and i literally couldn't stop the snowball... and then not only did it mow me down, it threw the gears in reverse and flattened me again.

and as much as i knew i was just feeling sorry for myself, i couldn't stop. a pity parade in my honor, and i was marching along right out front... with a baton and a whistle and that stupid hat those people who lead parades always wear.

what kills me the most... and maybe i'm wrong in thinking this way... is that i consider myself to be a generally good person... and the cheating was the worst... because not only did it happen, did i ALLOW it to happen in a couple instances, did i ignore the signs, look the other way... the worst part was afterward, when my heart stopped pounding and my head cleared a little... and then there i was, wanting a hug, trying to think of some way this could be made up to me, thinking of that they'd have to say to make it alright. realizing this tonight made me cry even harder.

i told him to get the fuck out, or i took off, or whatever... and then an hour later all i wanted was to crawl into his lap and be held while i cried, CRIED OVER HIM. cried over how stupid i was? is someone who treated me so badly, laid next to me every night, lied right to my fucking face, even WORTH my tears? shouldn't i be burning all his shit and steeling myself against the pain?

i have a high tolerance for physical pain, but when it comes to emotional pain, it always seems easier to go back to the source and try and live with it than to push away and move on. so is that a fear of change? i guess.

i guess part of it IS routine (i've been thinking about this all night, so be prepared for my epiphany). seeing someone every second of your day, sharing all your thoughts, pouring your entire self into the relationship... eating, sleeping, and breathing another person... ad then to find out you love them SO MUCH MORE than they will EVER love you, so much that they would do something so horrible as to betray your trust and throw away all the work you've put in, so willing to discard you as if you were worthless... guess i was. it was always easier, lazier, safer to just stay, no matter how bad it was... not as scary as never having someone to hug and kiss and love. every guy i've ever been with has felt like the last... so after all this and despite all the dishonesty, i can't very well be ALONE, right?

so maybe there's something i can do to make this better, make you want me, make you love me as much as i love you, or even almost as much, half as much? i think i could settle for that. i think if i love you long enough and hard enough it will be good enough for the both of us, and as long as you promise not to ever leave, you can do what you want to me and i'll always be right here, maybe screaming how much i hate you, maybe crying and crying and crying, but rest assured, i'll be here.

you're broken and you treat me like shit and you don't deserve me but i love you anyways. when you're done stomping on my heart, i'm going to pick it up, dust myself off, and hand it back to you.

so yeah, part of it was routine, but most of it was just love and the fact that i always fall so hard, so fast... sometimes for the wrong person. i mean, very OBVIOUSLY the wrong person, right? if you're going to have someone else move in with you while i'm away at training, if you're going to use my fucking car to go visit your exgirlfriend, if you are going to keep naked pictures of your ex on your laptop and lie to me about it, lie to me about everything... you don't deserve a SECOND of my time.

and the fact that i was more willing to swallow that than to try to find someone who appreciates and loves me the way i deserve... that's probably the biggest tragedy of all. tonight as i walked home, i realized just how much i'm not over this... i'm not over it at all. i'm never the one who leaves, and every time i've been left, i stuffed it in a little box and vowed never to look at it ever again.

maybe that's why it's happened to me so many times.

i'm going to go to bed now... but first, i have a beautiful scrapbook to look through again... i've been neglecting it the way i've been neglecting all this baggage i'm carrying... but i'm trying, i really am, to get my head straight and stop fucking everything up. it's so easy to just say, "whatever, i'm so fucked up" and just use that as an excuse for everything... but really its just being fucking lazy and not dealing with reality and with your responsibilities. i'm NOT a princess, i understand this, oh i understand this more than you know.

"...i'm waiting for blood, to flow to my fingers

i'll be alright when my hands get warm..."

- Dashboard Confessional "The Best Deceptions" -

don't look at me that way... it was an honest mistake

oh man oh man... it's... WEDNESDAY!! my most favorite day of the week... payday and _______. couldn't ask for more.

...

stayed at Money's house last night... drove around, watched tv, nothing eventful. he set an alarm for us to go to work for 7... woke up, i took a quick shower, we going in the car and drove to work... and it was only 5:45. somehow he set the alarm an hour earlier than he had to. nice, considering we didn't go to sleep until like 2. i'm fucking dragging ASS right now. that's ok.

work was alright, went by quickly. one of the ladies at work offered to rent me a room in her house so i wouldn't have to move away. i almost wish she'd said something about that BEFORE i made all these arrangements. i dunno... almost time now...

aw fuck. i gotta get going. lost track of time again. sorry this is so dull.

Money said my eyes looked really green this morning.

"sometimes

i forget i'm still awake

i fuck up and say these things out loud"

- The Bravery "An Honest Mistake" -

so close to drowning but I don't mind

god, that was stupid. and yet i don't feel as badly as i know i should. it was a very bad thing that i did. i think what makes it worse is that i enjoyed myself 96% of the time doing it. i feel bad for not feeling bad. no one knows what i am talking about. i'm not sure i'm ready to share. most of you will agree that i've been incredibly dumb and i need to cut the shit right fucking now. i don't even recognize CF anymore. his bloodshot eyes and dopey smile just make me sad. how did this happen? those where the people i laughed at in high school, hanging out at the ETD parking lot (not much difference from a McDonalds in, say, Whitinsville), smoking pot and sleeping around. how did i fall for... trash? but i love it as much as i hate it, in a perverse way. i know i am not like this. it disgusts me. but i want to wallow in it, bathe in the filth, scrub my pores with it until i am clean. i want to know what it is like to change personalities in the middle of a conversation. i want to understand how one can fail so completely to see their potential. i want to know how not to care.

- Green Day "Burnout" -

like indecision to call you... and hear your voice of treason

ah yes, NOW i remember what a keyboard looks like.

(waves away dust cloud)

hope this thing still works...

so friday night SloB came back to massachusetts. he's stationed at Fort Drum in NY, but he lived here before he enlisted, and now that he's home from his year in afghanistan, he took leave and drove down here to see his family and friends.

let me interrupt to put out there that i HATE this man, and the only reason his worthless existence even enters my thoughts is because he's friends with Rico and BB for one, and two, he's married to one of my semi-friends from highschool, who is actually closer friends with K-Dawg. so i sort of have to accept the fact that he's alive.

so. friday night and i was at the apartment with Rico and BB and BB's latest weekend girlfriend, and SloB was supposed to be coming over later. i drank a few and fell asleep kind of early, maybe around midnight or so. i had to work saturday morning, so i didn't want to be too hung over / still trashed on my ride to work.

around 3 in the morning i am woken by loud obnoxious drunken yelling from the tv room. Rico sleeps through almost anything, so i punched him until he woke up and told him rather rudely to go see what the fuck was going on. so he got up, opened his door, and yelled down the hallway, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The Noisy Bitch, who was making all the ruckus, proceeded to yell back, "FUCK YOU, DUDE! IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT!" so then he yells back "FUCK YOU IT'S MY GODDAMN HOUSE! BE QUIET OR GET THE FUCK OUT!"

there was continued yelling back and forth between them after that until SloB intercepted. he stood in the doorway to the room we were in and tried to defuse the situation, promising to keep her quiet.

i found out from BB the next night that SloB's idea of keeping The Noisy Bitch quiet was by fucking her in BB's room. niiiiiice.

...

and by the way, i was contacted again two days ago by my Restricted Caller, previously mentioned a few entries ago. except she was posing to be someone else... the (instant message) conversation is as follows:

his sn: HEY

me: omg, hi

his sn: WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

me: not much, you?

his sn: ___ IS PISSED AT ME

me: i coulda told you that after she fucking called me

his sn: i know

his sn: what do you think i should do?

me: about?

his sn: ___

[by this point i had realized that this was not the person they were claiming to be, due to typing style - all caps, then all lowercase - and the obvious lack of... i dunno... personal touch? this is not how you start off a conversation with someone you supposedly care about and haven't spoke to in two months without letting them know why.]

me: prove this is you

his sn: you go by elocin

me: more than that

his sn: like what?

his sn: look if you are going to give me a hard time also, i don't want to talk to you

me: i'm not

me: i just want to be sure you're you

his sn: just forget it

me: no

his sn: whatever

me: what diable2 character do i play with?

me: diablo2*

[long pause, no response]

me: nice try, whomever you are

[another pause, and then:]

his sn: how about the ring? prove anything...?

me: um, nope

me: look, i already told you i'd go away, i haven't called, haven't done anything. so there's no reason to harass me

me: and he ended up with the ring by accident, i sent an email with my address asking for it back, i don't know what else you want from me.

[pause]

his sn signed off at 4:39:00 PM.

the mean side of me thinks i should have played along a little, or maybe told her all the things he's told me and what he's said about her. and maybe i won't have to wear this scarlet fucking A on my chest alone, because damn fucking straight i'm not the only person in the *wrong* here. and i'm sick of carrying the repercussions of our actions by myself.

how's that for a "growling puppy"???

...

ha! my dad just asked me about the scratches on my car, the ones from backing into the plow...

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -

hey, so glad you could make it

worst morning EVER! i would rant but i haven't the time nor the energy. i have to get to work for 5 so i can't stay long... just wanted to type down the thoughts that have been suffocating me all day.

talked to my Knight for a bit yesterday afternoon... it'll be nice to see him this weekend. i'm more appreciative of his willingness to listen to me bitch than he knows (misplaced modifier??). hmm... but what are we going to do tomorrow night? suggestions, anyone??

yeah, so, left HIS house this morning in tears, AGAIN... STUPID, STUPID! i keep telling myself, it's $3,000, but i'm starting to care less and less. maybe i should give up and just cut my losses now...? went home, changed quick, blow dried my hair, and left. the potential job inquiry went surprisingly smooth... now i'm left with the decision to switch jobs or not. as usual, still haven't finalized my master plan yet, but stay tuned...

drove from there to see K-Dawg... had "senior year: retrospective" over eggs and bacon at IHOP. it was a good time. talked about the people we've seen since we graduated, about the people we haven't seen, about the people we wish we've seen. i love hanging out with her because we don't always have to talk about the major problems plaguing us... it's nice to forget about them for awhile and get back into good old fashioned high school gossip. i'd been feeling pretty unloved until i got to her house, but she made me feel better, and the two of us laughed at how much of an idiot Rico is. see? nothing to stress about. i just keep losing my head. i need to calm down. anyways, i enjoyed reliving senior year with her, but thinking about it made me a little sad... life seemed so much simpler a year ago. i was gonna go away for training after i graduated, come back, get a good job, move in with Rico, get married, have a kid, and live "happily ever after."

no, actually, i probably would have KILLED myself if my life had worked out that way. thank you, my VIP, for opening my eyes, and for making me realize i DON'T have to be unhappy for the rest of my life. maybe there ARE people out there who can love me and care for me and treat me the way i should be treated. i need to find him... but i've already found the one i REALLY want...

NO! YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED? A FUCKING PHONE CALL OR EVEN A STUPID EMAIL LETTING ME KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! NOT SOME MYSTERIOUS COMMENT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AFTER ALMOST 4 WEEKS OF NOTHING! IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR TO LEAVE ME HANGING OUT HERE, NOT EVEN KNOWING WHAT I'M HANGING ON TO, IF ANYTHING AT ALL! I WANT SOME FUCKING GUIDANCE, SOME CLOSURE, SOME ANSWERS, WHATEVER! I CAN'T JUST FADE AWAY INTO THE BACKGROUND AND PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED BECAUSE I'M FUCKING GLAD IT DID AND I DON'T WANT TO LOSE WHAT I REALIZED I HAD IN YOU!

what's it like watching a train wreck as it happens?

FUCKING CALL ME!

"oh look at my face

my name is might have been

my name is never was

my name's forgotten"

- Hole "Celebrity Skin" -

and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters and no pearls

you know i haven't even fully unpacked since coming home from maryland? subconsciously, i think, i'm contemplating NEVER unpacking, and just stuffing the boxes into my car and driving away into the sunset. like a damn cowboy or something. beautiful.

i have to get out of this place before i end up institutionalized. this can't be healthy. i want to claw my way out of my skin and attack someone and eat their brains and take over their body. sort of like the bug-thing from Men in Black.

and even if there isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that very well might exist only in my mind... it's not like i've never fallen on my face before.

hmmm...

on one side of the scale, i've got the unknown, the ethereal rainbow.

on the other side of the scale, i see every day of my life, each day exactly the same. fighting and working (slaving) and taking care of a 21 year old infant. cleaning up after him and waiting on his every need. alcohol-fueled wars raged over the most insignificant incidents. constant poverty due to his frivolity. depression. suicide.

(sigh) what am i WAITING for??

...how long has it been now? 22 days and counting...

"if you think you might come to california...

i think you should"

- Counting Crows "A Long December" -

pour me something tall and strong

another long-ass blue-collar day at shaw's... fuck, i am TIRED! stupid old people spending their social security checks on damn lottery tickets... if i ever get that pathetic, do me the favor and shoot me.

took a nice long lunch around 12:30... went outside, smoked a cigarette and stared out at the rain. such a dreary, ugly day... matches my mood. i wish it were nicer out 'cause my car could use a good cleaning, but there's no way i'm going out to vacuum it in the rain.

so yeah, today sucked so far, but at least i worked with Tk today. she doesn't mind when my breaks run a little long, and she's so easy to get along with. a lot of the people i work with are morons, but Tk is great. i'm so glad i work days now... don't have to deal with the high school punks in the evening and all their bullshit. yeah. i hate people.

(sigh)

i really need to get out of this mood. i'm feeling completely uninspired today... this is the most un-profound entry i've written so far. what do i do? i don't know what the *right* course of action would be, but i'll tell ya what i'm GOING to do anyways, *right* or wrong... GET DRUNK! mmm, liquid dinner, i can't wait. i need to just get trashed and forget about all this shit. SOOO much on my mind... (sigh) don't even feel like getting into it. nothing new, mostly, just old wounds festering and developing gangrene. nasty. maybe i'll fucking drink hydrogen peroxide tonight to cleanse myself.

someone, please... love me...!

- Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett "Five O'Clock Somewhere" -

we could live like jack and sally if we want

you know what? FUCK prince charming, AND his fucking horse, AND the fucking castle.

VIP, you still wanna know my fantasy?

i want a '79 ford pickup, powder blue with rust spots, and a broken tail light. i want to smoke my marlboro lights with the window rolled all the way down, year round... lots of sunshine, to match my hair. no more fucking rain clouds. and NO SNOW, ever! i want to listen to the eagles in the TAPE DECK and rock out, even at red lights when people driving next to me stare at me singing, and not give a shit. i want a loud exhaust, so everyone notices me drive by. i want to pump my own gas in a sundress and flip flops.

i want a guy who doesn't give a shit about my truck, or about cars in general. who offers to pump my gas for me. a guy who gives me goosebumps. i wanted faded blue jeans and a plain white tee on a slender but muscular frame. and work boots. maybe. taller than me. light eyes and short hair, an infectious smile. 

big hands, but gentle, capable of a good massage. clean fingernails, left handed.

i want a guy who whistles and who isn't afraid to sing. a guy who is happy more often than sad. who lets me take his picture. a guy who loves chocolate as much as i do and likes wasting a sunny saturday on the couch watching tv.

i want a guy i can ride a harley with, a guy who doesn't mind getting lost with me. a guy who lets me wear his shirts to bed and use his razor in the shower. who isn't afraid of sexuality. i want to make love on flannel sheets, no candles or rose petals, just some music in the background. lips all over me, fingers in my mouth. i want to cuddle when we're done and fall asleep curled together.

i want to talk about life and taking over the world and time travel at our kitchen table over a cup of starbucks coffee. i want him to call me princess, and i want to know i'm his number one.

i want a second floor apartment, small, but MY OWN. dark blue carpeting in my bedroom. granite tile in the kitchen, wooden cabinets stained golden brown. lots of windows. i want a high-pressure shower with glass doors and a seat inside, and a black radio on the counter. i want a fridge with an ice-maker on the door, and inside, a 6-pack of smirnoff ice. a nice set of china and stainless steel silverware. i want a little yard with healthy, green grass, and i want to walk through it barefoot. and when i come home from work, i want a grey and white cat named Basil to jump off the couch and rub against my leg.

hmmm.

where's my life going? and how do i get there? i just wanna be happy.

i need to RELAX!!!

"and we'll have halloween on christmas"

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -

because she only wants the wrong way

i somewhat made peace with myself today. and how did i do that? funny you should ask...

Rico's apartment building only provides parking for tenants, so everyone that came to the party last night had to park at the convenience store down the road, or at the church, which is right across the street. lazy me picked the church parking lot. so then this morning, standing on the porch smoking a butt, i happened to look over at my little car and saw what looked like a flyer on the windshield. let me remind you that today is sunday. curious, i finished my cigarette and walked over to see what it was.

it seems that the church people didn't like the fact that my car was parked in their parking lot while there were having service this find sunday morning. so some stupid bastard stuck a HUGE ASS florescent ORANGE sticker right in the MIDDLE of the windshield, bearing the words:

VIOLATION! This car is parked illegally and is therefore subject to fines and/or towing. Your license plate has been recorded.

ok. that's fine. except there are NO signs prohibiting parking in the GIGANTIC parking lot. i know because i checked. and this sticker took up a good portion of my windshield and could be seen from the street. i'm lucky my car didn't get fucking towed. and so are the church people, because then they would have a window or two to replace.

pissed off? just a little. and i wasn't in the most pleasant of moods to begin with. i didn't eat hardly anything yesterday and then drank on an empty stomach so i was feeling a little woozy, had a really shitty night altogether, woke up sore from sleeping on a hardwood floor, and had a vague recollection of a drunken telephone conversation with someone i was hurting. i'd been trying to figure out what to say to him and my head hurt. now i had to get a razor and scrape the fucking thing off so i could drive my car.

so i'm standing in the parking lot scraping away and everyone going into the church is looking at me (stupid me parked right near the door) and my head is throbbing and i feel like shit and i just want to scream, "WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE!" at the church people and put a fucking brick through one of their windows and then suddenly...

i didn't give a shit. because it could have been a lot worse. the sticker, while ugly and ANNOYING, was put there by the church people, not the police, and it was only a warning. there wasn't a parking citation on my windshield, and apparently there could have been. i guess. even with no signs. or a cop could have driven by and seen the sticker and had my car towed. but all i had to do was scrape the thing off and park somewhere else, that's all. it could have been a lot worse.

and that's my POINT. my whole LIFE could be a lot worse. what does complaining change? absolutely nothing. happiness is a CHOICE. and the only way to achieve happiness is to grab the bull by the balls and take it. i WANT to be happy. and if that means doing something that everyone else thinks is crazy then so be it. i am only one person, i cannot please everybody. but i've spent so long trying to do that i forgot about myself. i don't want to follow the rules anymore.

ok. chew on this: so i'm driving along this straightaway (metaphorically speaking) and at the end i see a stop sign. it's late, i can see there's no one else on the road with me, so i speed up. i'm almost to the stop sign, it's right in front of me. no one at the intersection.

what do i do? do i stop because it's the *right* thing to do? whose right? maybe it's my wrong. maybe i think that the stop sign should be a yield. maybe i don't believe in stop signs at all.

so i fucking run it.

(sigh) i have a feeling that i'm the only person who will understand that analogy. comparing running a stop sign to the direction my life is taking...? and if ONE fucking person makes note of the legality issue in both situations... I SO DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!! i'm an adult, DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!

...on a darker note...

drinking last night was horrible. i guess that's what happens... i was drinking way too quickly, one after another. there were ghosts in my bottle, and tears of a man shed over me. i drank and drank and then chased it all down with some tears of my own.

i hated myself... doing a lot of that lately... and still missing him...

- Sublime "Wrong Way" -

pardon me, pardon me, I'll never be the same

what a DAY! i'm thinking too much and it's driving me crazy. try to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and eventually your knees will buckle. i am not Atlas.

...

pierced and hardly feeling any better...

you know what, the world does not revolve around me. I KNOW THIS. but just once, that's all i'm asking, would it be possible to catch the star i'm after? why does it always have to end up like this? why the indecision? why the obstacles? WHY THE FUCKING DRAMA? no more speed bumps, i want a nice smooth road to cruise over. i want sweet-smelling fucking flowers lining my road and a beautiful fucking sunset to drive off into. no, you know what? screw the car. i want prince fucking charming to gallop up on his white horse, and THEN we'll ride off into the sunset. and i'll wear the flowers in my hair. and we'll go off to his huge fucking castle where it never rains and everyone is always happy. and i'll never have to sit here, ALONE, ever again.

i fucking HATE myself.

- Incubus "Pardon Me" -