21 September 2004

I'm so much closer than I have ever known... wake up

missed my photography class this morning... ugh. oh well. stopped at dunkin donuts on the way and then k-mart and then did some laundry and took a shower. got my tube of haiku lotion that i haven't used in forever and moisturized my legs and felt better.

i'm not wearing a bra right now.

i dunno.

i was kind of thinking about a lot of shit on the ride up here and i've decided a few things need to happen before i can really be ok. we were talking in my car last night and i told him that while i've gotten over Rico, i haven't gotten over...

"what he did," CF said, finishing the sentence i couldn't.

and yeah, he was right. i realized it was exactly the feeling i've been struggling with but have been unable to pinpoint. Rico really hurt me and i haven't healed from it. it doesn't matter that there aren't any emotional attachments to him anymore, i'm still stuck on that FEELING, that vacuum that was created in my heart when everything was revealed. i don't think i've devoted enough time (or really, any at all) to healing it.

i'd love to share the rest with you, i really would, but suddenly i've been grasped by the urge to vomit, like literally. i don't know what's wrong with me. i almost never get sick... actually, i guess i'm sort of due, then. anyways, if you need me, i'll be in the bathroom. i'll try to come on later tonight and finish this.


- Green Day "Waiting" -

08 September 2004

the streets were wet and the gate was locked so I jumped it, and I let you in

what a strange weekend...

i was almost sleeping and he rolled over and touched my army and asked me if i got my phone calls. i asked him what he was talking about, what phone calls, and he told me he thought they were on lines one and two. we were at NC's house. later that night, i'm told, i asked him to go get my some cheese. i don't remember wanting cheese.

he told me he didn't want to fight with me and that december is further away than i'd thought. i think i stopped breathing. i wanted to cry. i didn't say anything, just rolled over so my back was to him and tried to breathe again. he moved over so he was against me and tucked his arm under mine and kissed the back of my neck. i fell asleep.

i asked him about it yesterday and he said he only meant that he wanted to make the best relationship better rather than good. it came out awkward, but i knew what he meant. it was sweet. i told him i loved him and hung up and went to bed.

- Dashboard Confessional "Hands Down" -