30 October 2007

of a runaway american dream

my horoscope for today: "if you are feeling extra sensitive or emotional right now, don't fight it. turn to your loved ones for the comfort you need -- even just a short phone call could make you feel ten times better.

do not worry if you are going through some sad feelings, it's nothing to be concerned about. you are an imperfect human and it is a healthy thing to process all your feelings -- both the positive, 'it's going to be a great day' feelings and the negative 'i don't want to get out of bed' feelings."

ha. you have no fucking idea.

do you realize that i'm 22? when the fuck did this happen? i simultaneously feel like i'm 15 and 50. i'm either slapping myself for being so naive or realizing with horror how bitter i am. where did the last, like 4 years go? i've wasted so much fucking time being miserable, and why? ok... yes... i'll fucking admit it: i LIKE it. miserable is manageable, miserable i can take. miserable is familiar (where did i hear that?) and won't surprise me. it's safe.

but i hate it as much as i love it... does that make sense? i would KILL to be happier, you know? i just can't let go... and ever decision i make seems to go back to misery. is that even possible? even when i think i'm in love... can't embrace it fully unless it fucks me up a little.

and i see that this is only holding me back, i KNOW. i've been trying to turn all this angst and anger into something productive... can you imagine? can you imagine what i could accomplish if i could harness this? the thought... almost... scares me.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

can we please just talk about this? can you stop shutting down every time i try to talk to you about something that is bothering me? i'm going to have a mental fucking breakdown if i can't talk to SOMEONE about this. do you see the way my hands shake? the circles under my eyes? i want to dig my fingers into my eyes until i'm bleeding, can't see, claw my skin raw, slam my head against the wall until i black out. i'm falling the fuck apart.

this is fucking BAD and i can't.. i can't breathe sometimes. it makes me sick, i feel completely helpless and i hate that, i hate that more than you know. me? helpless? who saw THAT coming? i've tried so fucking hard to set myself up so that i don't need anyone for shit. of the most part, i don't... except for this... i can't keep all of this in my head or i'll go fucking crazy, i promise you. can you see what a big deal this is for me to even tell you this? please don't turn your back on me, i just want to talk, please.

i... i can't do this by myself.


today i realized something both insignificant and earth-shattering as i was reaching into my pocket for my chapstick. do you know how long i've had this particular tube of chapstick? i bought it before i went to fort dix and started using it probably a month into training. this never happens! usually by now it has either gotten lost or gone through the wash and melted in the dryer. i don't think i have ever, in my entire life, kept a tube long enough to use the whole thing. i can never hang on to chapstick for some reason.

kind of like my men.


Rico: i'm not over you. it's been 6 fucking years since you told me you loved me for the first time, and yeah, i really believed you, and that still fucking hurts. you can see the damage in me every single day. i set my heart in your hands so completely - i've never been so open and unguarded with anyone since you. yeah, it was a shitty relationship, but i still believed in the power of loving someone and its ability to solve any problem that arises. even when you were verbally (and eventually physically) abusive with me, i honestly thought it would be ok if only i loved you a little more, a little more... but loving you turned out to not be enough. par for the fucking course, as it would turn out.

what hurts me - crushes me - isn't that you fell for her. that i understand. what fucking destroys me is the fact that you LIED so easily and completely and never ONCE stopped to think about what that would do to me. the day you realized you loved her, the fucking DAY, you should have told me you didn't want to be with me anymore and spared me the next YEAR of agony. instead you told me i was wrong, paranoid, that you loved only me, and even when it was clear as day that you were lying, i continued to lie to MYSELF, like to myself for YOU, so you could have your cake and eat it too. don't you see that? all i wanted was for you to be happy, as the expense of myself. and i was willing to forgive, try to understand, if only you'd been honest with me...

sometimes i really think the day i found the letter she wrote you about the baby was the worst day of my life. i've felt that icy feeling in the pit of my stomach since then, but never like i did that day.

from the bottom of my heart, and with all of my soul: FUCK YOU.

and CF: i can barely bring myself to speak your name. what you did to me is equally unforgivable, but for different reasons. you never loved me but you told me you did, and you never loved her, though i'm sure you told her you did just the same. you stayed with me because it was convenient, and maybe you wanted to get caught, i don't know, you were so sloppy with you actions i can only reason that you didn't care if i found out. you never cared enough to even try to shelter me from the horrible truth, and you let her TEAR INTO ME while i stood there completely defenseless, armed only with your feeble explanation of your behavior. you brought her to our HOUSE, you held her in MY CAR. MY FUCKING CAR. in that way you are worse than Rico, because your actions had nothing to do with love and everything to do with YOURSELF. you never gave a SHIT about me.

but i ignored it, didn't i? ignored what i knew, anyways. and even as i found things out, i'd scream and through shit and yeah, that one time i hit you in the face, and then what? i'd cry and you'd hold me and the next day, a few days later, it was ok, like nothing happened. even as she rubbed my face in it! even as she described the inside of our apartment, or gleefully told me how you couldn't keep your hands off her when you ended up at her house after we'd had a fight, or how she met you every morning at work and brought you a coffee only minutes after i'd dropped you off, or recounted in sickening detail the threesome you had with her and rick the FIRST FUCKING MONTH WE LIVED TOGETHER, i fucking LET IT GO. how fucking STUPID was i to keep going back for more? i don't know who i hate more, you or myself.



so where are you? prince charming? where you hiding?

are there any truthful, faithful guys our there? hello? hello??

honest... LOYAL... MINE.

and... AND i want someone to know the rootless life i am going to lead, and be ok with it. can you really see me standing in the kitchen with an apron on, a plate of cookies in my hands? meeting you at the front door with a kiss? that isn't me, i can't be the one to sit at home and wonder what the fuck is going on. there will be no two car garage, white picket fence, golden retriever. i'm not sure i even want a house - or kids - at all. i'm not even sure i should be in a fucking relationship with anyone, nevermind try to settle down anywhere. my life is too fucking short to sit anywhere. i've already lost too much time. i want to chase you around the world and be chased, i want to wake up in a different city as soon as i've learned my way around the last one.

i thought i'd come close to an understanding, a heartbeat in time with mine, but it turns out the closer i get, the farther away it seems i am. you cannot find yourself in another person and think that's it, there's your refuge. is there really a light at the end of the tunnel? i'm beginning to think there isn't.

i'm always running, always jumping through the hoops, always trying and hoping that my efforts will pay off in the end... and you look at me like you don't even know me. i look in the mirror and i barely know myself. i should be deliriously happy with this life i've been afforded, with the result of my sweat. i could go anywhere from here, and i will, make no mistake. i just want someone to come with me, travel and grow and BURN with me the way i have to. it's a waste of a day if i don't feel, at least once, like my heart is going to explode. i can't stand stagnancy, i won't ever allow myself to be tied down. so yeah, maybe i'll NEVER be satisfied! there are a dozen places i need to LIVE, a thousand places i need to SEE, a million things i need to DO. can you keep up with me? i'm starting to doubt that you can. i can't afford to lose any more time, i should be spiraling off in another direction, miles and miles from here. can you hold my had from across the world? i can already feel your fingers starting to slip.

so maybe... maybe i really am better off alone.

and maybe it's time to start dealing with the reality of just how fucked up i am. i could run until i can't breathe, drink until i can't stand, crawl in the sand after the shadow of MY american dream, and bathe myself near clean with the useless tears i've shed, and NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING will absolve me of my sins against MYSELF. i've ever done anything to you but LOVE you and that was never enough. how can i compare? SHE is so beautiful, so perfectly shaped, so smart and lovely, everything you want, SHE makes you light up like no one else, obviously, because she's STILL THERE, still looming in the background, just out of sight. and what have i been, the good times girl? my plain, lumpy self, a head full of problems... what was i really expecting?

how was it to know that you could have us both if only you'd learned the right words to say to me? and no matter what i do, no matter how much of myself i cut off and try to give to you, i'm always 2.

SHE has been different every time, but i'm always the same.

worn thin and aways 2.

so tell me - what is there to do but run?

"...someday, i don't know when
we're gonna get to that place
where we really want to go
and we'll walk in the sun..."

- Bruce Springsteen "Born to Run" -

02 October 2007

well I guess I should have heard of them from you

i cried for a long fucking time tonight... took a walk and cried the entire way back to my room, cried until i couldn't see straight. i made it back and stood outside my door a second to catch my breath and i almost threw up. my chest ached (still does), my knees were weak (still are), my eyes felt like bruises (still do).

you don't understand (neither do i)... i started crying for NO FUCKING REASON, none at all. my day went EXACTLY the way i feared it would one say... and then there i was, crying so hard i couldn't breathe. it was just a day. just an average fucking day.

and the more i walked, it was like every injustice that had ever been done to against me, every shitty thing anyone has ever said to me, every time i've ever been lied to, cheated on, stabbed in the back, kicked while i was down... it all came crashing down on me and i literally couldn't stop the snowball... and then not only did it mow me down, it threw the gears in reverse and flattened me again.

and as much as i knew i was just feeling sorry for myself, i couldn't stop. a pity parade in my honor, and i was marching along right out front... with a baton and a whistle and that stupid hat those people who lead parades always wear.

what kills me the most... and maybe i'm wrong in thinking this way... is that i consider myself to be a generally good person... and the cheating was the worst... because not only did it happen, did i ALLOW it to happen in a couple instances, did i ignore the signs, look the other way... the worst part was afterward, when my heart stopped pounding and my head cleared a little... and then there i was, wanting a hug, trying to think of some way this could be made up to me, thinking of that they'd have to say to make it alright. realizing this tonight made me cry even harder.

i told him to get the fuck out, or i took off, or whatever... and then an hour later all i wanted was to crawl into his lap and be held while i cried, CRIED OVER HIM. cried over how stupid i was? is someone who treated me so badly, laid next to me every night, lied right to my fucking face, even WORTH my tears? shouldn't i be burning all his shit and steeling myself against the pain?

i have a high tolerance for physical pain, but when it comes to emotional pain, it always seems easier to go back to the source and try and live with it than to push away and move on. so is that a fear of change? i guess.

i guess part of it IS routine (i've been thinking about this all night, so be prepared for my epiphany). seeing someone every second of your day, sharing all your thoughts, pouring your entire self into the relationship... eating, sleeping, and breathing another person... ad then to find out you love them SO MUCH MORE than they will EVER love you, so much that they would do something so horrible as to betray your trust and throw away all the work you've put in, so willing to discard you as if you were worthless... guess i was. it was always easier, lazier, safer to just stay, no matter how bad it was... not as scary as never having someone to hug and kiss and love. every guy i've ever been with has felt like the last... so after all this and despite all the dishonesty, i can't very well be ALONE, right?

so maybe there's something i can do to make this better, make you want me, make you love me as much as i love you, or even almost as much, half as much? i think i could settle for that. i think if i love you long enough and hard enough it will be good enough for the both of us, and as long as you promise not to ever leave, you can do what you want to me and i'll always be right here, maybe screaming how much i hate you, maybe crying and crying and crying, but rest assured, i'll be here.

you're broken and you treat me like shit and you don't deserve me but i love you anyways. when you're done stomping on my heart, i'm going to pick it up, dust myself off, and hand it back to you.

so yeah, part of it was routine, but most of it was just love and the fact that i always fall so hard, so fast... sometimes for the wrong person. i mean, very OBVIOUSLY the wrong person, right? if you're going to have someone else move in with you while i'm away at training, if you're going to use my fucking car to go visit your exgirlfriend, if you are going to keep naked pictures of your ex on your laptop and lie to me about it, lie to me about everything... you don't deserve a SECOND of my time.

and the fact that i was more willing to swallow that than to try to find someone who appreciates and loves me the way i deserve... that's probably the biggest tragedy of all. tonight as i walked home, i realized just how much i'm not over this... i'm not over it at all. i'm never the one who leaves, and every time i've been left, i stuffed it in a little box and vowed never to look at it ever again.

maybe that's why it's happened to me so many times.

i'm going to go to bed now... but first, i have a beautiful scrapbook to look through again... i've been neglecting it the way i've been neglecting all this baggage i'm carrying... but i'm trying, i really am, to get my head straight and stop fucking everything up. it's so easy to just say, "whatever, i'm so fucked up" and just use that as an excuse for everything... but really its just being fucking lazy and not dealing with reality and with your responsibilities. i'm NOT a princess, i understand this, oh i understand this more than you know.

"...i'm waiting for blood, to flow to my fingers
i'll be alright when my hands get warm..."

- Dashboard Confessional "The Best Deceptions" -

27 August 2007

I said, "someday you'll understand"

my life these days is the most bizarre thing i have ever seen.

earlier tonight (yes, i am 8 hours ahead of those of you on the east coast) i went swimming in one of saddam's pools. a poolside dj played hits of the 80 (it's that an oxymoron??) while my Battle and i floated in the shadowy warm water, staring up at a PERFECT moon through the palm trees. a group of guys played volleyball next to us and people along the pool smoked cigarettes and laughed to each other.

before we went swimming, i ate a ridiculously good chicken wrap in the dining facility, and Battle and i walked back to our rooms to get our towels along the carved-stone walkways, eating ice cream cones.

how can i even tell you about this? how can i make you see how it isn't what you thing, it isn't what I thought, either. i feel so guilty enjoying this... people are our in such worse conditions... and here i am drinking lattes in the palace, not wearing any body armor, not worrying about IEDs along the road i take to work or car bombs going off in the parking lot... sure, there is the occasional mortal, but it's NOTHING like it is elsewhere. the environment here in the embassy compound is a professional, white-collar one. can you understand how i could come to love this place? i can feel myself slipping, getting comfortable... here in iraq. iraq. iraq.

and the palace... my god... how could someone ever LIVE like this while his people are struggling in such poverty? i saw the pictures from the first invasion of the insane wealth, i'm sure you have too... it's so much different when it's right here in front of you. much of the furniture was stolen or destroyed in the beginning of the war, but a scattering of ornate couches and chairs remain. the walls, the marble floors, domed ceilings... you know what? there is nothing i can say that will help you to understand. my words are failing me; i am incapable of painting a picture for you to see, to touch and smell and taste. this place is nothing like i have ever seen, nor anything i could have ever imagined. you see the pictures and you think you understand, but you don't, trust me, you don't.

it must have been like a sinister disneyland, only instead of mickey's face everywhere, it was saddam, all saddam... statues and posters and murals, huge portraits now covered with drapes in the palace. where does such arrogance come from? how could he watch the parades he forced his people to hold in his honor, oversee the construction of yet ANOTHER palace? how could he sleep at night knowing there was such a stark difference between his life and the life of those in his country? and the deaths he ordered...

it makes me embarrassed for mankind.

and i have realized how little i knew (and still know) about the world. it boggles my fucking mind.

"...well, i'm here to tell you now, each and ev'ry mother's son,
you better learn it fast, you better learn it young
'cause 'someday' never comes..."

- Creedence Clearwater Revival "Someday Never Comes" -