25 August 2005

slow things down or speed them up, not enough or way too much

i've got this weird feeling in my stomach... something is going to happen very soon and i don't feel the way i should feel, the way he expects me to feel, the way i tell him that i feel. i feel like my insides are bouncing inside me, swarming and dispersing, hitting the walls of my skin and bouncing into chaos. i'm made of pure electricity. i'm going to be torn in two.

i'm hurting. this is not easy for me... my heart has been stepped on too much, i'm so sick of crying, so sick of being lonely. i always feel like i'm the only thing holding all of this together, and that can apply to a number of situations. i hate to feel like i'm the only one who really cares. i try and try and try, at the expense of my own happiness, to ensure the happiness of others. (CF) told me the other night at the airport that i can't always try to take care of everyone all the time. when he said it i was already angry, but now i kind of understand.

still, what can i do? i know what i want and i don't know how else to go about getting it. give up and never know what could have been? for surely i can't rely on the other to keep things together. someone knows what i'm talking about. it may not be what you think. i can explain when i talk to you.


i keep checking my mail by the way. i want to know what i should do now. i'll need to get some money set aside... but i will make this happen. i've waited so long for this to happen, i won't lose the chance because i don't have the funds.

also, i have a date of sorts tonight.

"spare me just three last words,
'i love you' is all she heard.
i'll wait for you, but i can't wait forever..."

- Hawthorne Heights "Ohio is for Lovers" -

24 August 2005

my bedside is cold, for I am gone

got an email today that stopped my heart. if only i could just tell you how perfect the timing is. still, can't bet on anything just yet. it's so hard to control myself right now - and it wasn't even that big a deal! i'm going to burst at the seams. and i've decided to quit smoking... after this pack i'm done. i know this isn't the best time to try to quit considering all that is going on, but... it needs to be done. let me just add that you don't even know the half of it.


someone said my smile causes cancer. actually, i think i said that in response to a compliment someone gave me about my smile... something about rolling it up and smoking it. whatever.


two weeks and counting... sigh...

- All American Rejects "My Paper Heart" -

05 August 2005

were you born to resist or be abused

faithful readers, fear thee not! for i have returned, if but only for a moment, to fill you in on the life you're glad you don't have.

i actually don't have much to say... really just working, with a side of driving... sprinkle in a generous helping of air conditioning, add a black cowboy hat, a dash of taco bell, two small grey cats, pour in evenly a few family guy episodes and blend until smooth. serve chilled with blonde hair dye, a jedi knight, and five pillows for decoration. viola! you have my life. best if washed down with something very alcoholic. cause i know i do.

that last part there was a lie. sometimes i miss the liver i used to have but it's still ok to pretend.

i'll try to give you a more comprehendible version of the events since the last time i graced this website:

1. new bedford isn't as bad as i thought it was, or as i made it out to be, or both. i actually kind of like it. you know, when people aren't getting all shot up. i think maybe i'll stay here afterall. for now. i need to find a good sushi place, though. it's been awhile. also, the cape is absolutely beautiful... that beach we were on, near CF's parents' house, i don't even know where it is, was breathtaking. i can't wait to get those pictures developed.

2. the shaw's i'm working at now is sort of ok, too. when the new store opens in wareham and the service desk manager goes to work there, i'll get her spot - a pay increase and 40 hours again, which will be nice.

3. the kenny chesney concert was really fun, but long. we just about died out there in the sun. i enjoyed gretchen wilson's set the most, and she is my hero. keith urban is much more attractive than i expected. and foxboro stadium (i refuse to call it by its newer, corporate name) is beautiful and i definitely want to go back there for a patriots game sometime this season. hint hint.

4. i despise myspace and deeply hate myself for continuing to have an account. someone (coughtomraffertycough) added me as their friend and then deleted me like 3 days later and won't look at me when we're at work together. and, against my better judgement, i gave you a chance to forget the fight and talk to me again. your stubbornness is funny to me, but i'm not going to waste my time on you anymore. also, anyone who posts half naked pictures of themself is really, really sad. no one wants to see your flabby abs. come on now. have some fucking self respect.

5. KATIE BUG - i saw that sign today, and i'm taking it down. BARBI - i miss you and i wish i could see you before you go. you'd better keep in touch the whole time you are gone. and you'd better by like and E7 by then. POOKS - i'm not avoiding you, i tried to call you today, you didn't answer, call me back. MY KNIGHT - i miss you too! you should come see my house, and the kittens, and then take them home with you. ICYFYERESS - your baby is beautiful and i love getting the pics in my inbox. thank you for being so supportive. JEN-BO - if you read this? i want to see you before the summer is over. give me a call. also, i noticed the maxima is for sale... :( AMANDA-PANTS and K-DAWG - where have you been? i miss you guys... NIBBEY - i'm coming to your house today. you will have no way of knowing that. YOSHI - an hour away is just that, an hour. not the end of the world. and you never call, either. stop being lazy. i saw you today and you didn't even care. that makes me sad. VIP - so glad you're back in the world now. and i'm still plotting the escape.

6. my new favorite color is light green, and i dyed my hair again. also, i need glasses. the kittens ate my favorite pair of sandals and i had to get a new pair, which i hate. i'm sick of reeses peanut butter cups. it's really friggin hot outside.

7. monday is my birthday.

- Foo Fighters "Best of You" -