27 June 2005

you gave me something that I didn't have, but had no use

(grinds teeth)

this is fucking retarded. CF strikes again... this is getting SO old.


so Nibbey left this morning... still not sure how i really feel about that. in complete honesty, i feel more than a little betrayed. two weeks without so much as a phone call, then i find out why last night. no one thought to give me a call and let me know Rico was back.

and i'm not sure she would have even told me she was leaving if we hadn't run into her at the mall saturday night. i'd told her she was more than welcome to move in with me in new bedford for the summer... and no? i'm not the one who up and left for a year, HE IS. I'VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME. i dropped what i was doing HOW many times to go to her house, take her away from whatever was going on? that's not even important. i'm not looking to be repaid or anything. i just...

and i KNOW they've been friends for longer than she and i have, but fucking seriously. after all the shit that happened, and she knows about EVERYTHING... what the fuck? and i'm not asking her to choose sides, i'm really not. i would never ask her to do that. i just never expected to by number two to fucking Rico.

i can't describe to you how hurt i am because (a) i really don't think she would have told me had i not seen her and (b) LOOK WHO IT FUCKING IS!

a phone call would have been nice. is that too much to ask for? i'm going to start screaming. i'm going to stand up in the middle of this library and start screaming and throwing shit and the cops are going to have to come and escort me out.

fuck this shit.


check for new mail... check for new mail... check for new mail... check for new mail... check for new mail...


- Foo Fighters "Best of You" -

23 June 2005

maybe I just wanna fly


so now my door handle is fixed... the guy at the garage is calling the Mitsubishi dealership today to get me a part to make the window work again. sucks trying to smoke through the passenger window when you're driving. i should just quit.

mmm... was going to say something... was thinking about it all day... YOU SEE?? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON'T WRITE IT DOWN!!

wow, work sucked. but only another 9 days... we'll see where i'm at after that... and yeah, it's a pretty shitty job... still, i'm gonna miss the people there like crazy. i'm gonna miss the craziness, the massive amount of unnecessary work, the redundancy, but mostly the people. i was a little ashamed to admit that fact to Mr. Regular Army... but he smiled and said, "why do you think i'm still in the Guard?"

good point.

wore my hair down today... it's getting so long. remember when all i could do was spike it? (shuders) it's nice to have hair again. and randomly someone asked me today if i surf. yeah. in Massachusetts, all the time.

man oh man... so last night was kinda odd. hung out a bit... CF made a date with me for friday night... ANYWHERE i want. he already knows where i want to go. watched some tv and he ended up staying the night... i dunno... he's fucking bipolar. but last night was nice. and i'm NOT going to base my existence on one night or one weekend or even one month. i'm still leaving in 9 days. and it's just one day at a time... i won't tell you what he said, but things are looking... not exactly up, but at least at a 75 degree angle or so. i dunno. we'll see.

and 6 more days til wednesday... and my soul to squeeze....

"maybe i just want to breathe
maybe i just don't believe
maybe you're the same as me
we see things they'll never see
you and i are gonna live forever"

- Oasis "Live Forever" -

22 June 2005

don't look at me that way... it was an honest mistake

oh man oh man... it's... WEDNESDAY!! my most favorite day of the week... payday and _______. couldn't ask for more.


stayed at Money's house last night... drove around, watched tv, nothing eventful. he set an alarm for us to go to work for 7... woke up, i took a quick shower, we going in the car and drove to work... and it was only 5:45. somehow he set the alarm an hour earlier than he had to. nice, considering we didn't go to sleep until like 2. i'm fucking dragging ASS right now. that's ok.

work was alright, went by quickly. one of the ladies at work offered to rent me a room in her house so i wouldn't have to move away. i almost wish she'd said something about that BEFORE i made all these arrangements. i dunno... almost time now...

aw fuck. i gotta get going. lost track of time again. sorry this is so dull.

Money said my eyes looked really green this morning.

i forget i'm still awake
i fuck up and say these things out loud"

- The Bravery "An Honest Mistake" -

20 June 2005

the weight of my decisions were impossible to hold... but they were never yours

there is something insanely sad about driving past your best friend's house and seeing the FOR SALE sign at the end of the driveway. damn, i'm gonna miss that pool... (sigh)


sometimes i wish there was a photographer that followed me around everywhere, taking pictures of moments that will mean much more long after they've happened. not like a lunatic paparazzi-like photographer, just someone who'd quietly follow me and take my picture without being seen. he'd have to be with me every second of the day, though, cause you never know when you're about to do something that will change your life forever. i want a record of those moments, i want to hold them in my hands and look at them and smile and hang them on the fridge. i want something concrete, something i can show people later, when i'm telling a story.

i'm obsessed with documenting things. you must know this by now... i'm still here, still posting, even thought this journal has gotten me into more than a little trouble. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and just HAVE to write SOMETHING, lest i forget by morning... you never know, it could be the most important and relevant and profound thing i'm ever going to think!

or i'll be driving and i'll be spacing out, right, and then suddenly i'll have this idea, this crazy awesome idea, like how to start the first paragraph of that novel i keep meaning to write... and i'll try to just kick it around in my head until i can't stop and write it down... especially if i have to be somewhere, you know? i can't just pull over... and then usually by the time i get to where i'm going, the idea is gone, that first paragraph is still unwritten, still a big question mark.

but when i can, i write down everything. at work, right after i get out of the shower, before bed, while i'm watching The Daily Show... it makes me crazy cause the words are screaming to get out. sometimes when i'm not alone and i'm trying to be quiet, i can hear the thoughts clawing the inside of my skull. i'm not crazy. i just need to bleed these thoughts before they overwhelm me.

i'm going off on a tangent. what i really wanted to mull over is that photographer... wouldn't that be great? i could look at those pictures later and be able to remember EVERYTHING, cause i'd have that visual, and the rest would just fall into place. i'd have everything else, the smells, tastes, sounds... i'd have this beautiful memory, enhanced by the photos... and i'd never forget anything.

so if you could have a photographer follow you around, what photos would be on your fridge?

i've got a couple i want to hang on to. see if you can figure who all is in them.

and i told you i'd warn you: now i'm going to reflect:

it was after school and we had just broken up and i was sitting on the front steps, crying in the sunshine. i called him because he was my best friend then and there was no one else i wanted to see more than him. his older brother drove him to my house and dropped him off and he came to the steps to sit with me. i asked him if he was thirsty and without waiting for his answer, i went into the house and brought out two glasses of Sunny Delight. we sat there on the steps for a long while and he listened to me while i talked and cried. there was a lull in the conversation and he put his drink down and wrapped his arms around me. SNAP.

we were sitting outside on his porch playing scrabble. the movie had just ended and we were talking about what we thought it was about. he was wearing his Eddie Bower tee shirt, the same one he was wearing last summer when i decided i didn't hate him. it was nice outside and he was winning and i lit a cigarette, only the third or so i'd had all day. inside, before the movie ended, i'd put on this silly straw cowboy hat that was sitting on the end-table next to the futon. he smiled at me, out there playing scrabble, and told me the hat suited me. SNAP.

it was hot and muggy and we were standing out on the causeway, it was dark. we were talking about the moon and how pretty is was reflecting over the water, and he said i was like the moon. i thought he was being a little sappy. we looked some more and talked and leaned against the concrete where people always go fishing. we were looking at the sky, and i spotted a shooting star, and pointed, so that he would see it too. he came forward and hugged me and i rested my head on his chest and breathed in the night air and thought that there wasn't a single other place on this planet i would have rather been at that second. SNAP.

he was leaving the next morning and i'd had too much to drink, WAY too much. i was so sick... i've never been as sick as i was then. he found me in his bedroom while the party was going on in the other room, just me and Peace Pipe, sharing a bottle of vodka. he knew i was going to be sick and he picked me up, carried me like a child to the bathroom, where he sat me down next to the toilet. i didn't want to throw up but he was forcing me to drink some milk, i just wanted to lay down and sleep. he was so worried. i threw up a little and rested my head on the toilet seat, trying to calm my stomach. he sat on the floor next to me, his back against the bathroom door, his head in his hands, and he was crying. SNAP.

we had been out that night, at the mall i think, i don't remember, it doesn't matter. it was dark and i had to be back and anyway we were both tired. we were driving thought the gate and i gave him my ID, which he handed to the MP, the MP looked at them and handed them back and we were on post. and he was telling me that he'd never spent time alone with a girl whom he was only friends with. and we were alone, we'd been alone all evening, and i didn't catch what he was trying to say so i asked him, as he was handing me back my ID. our hands touched and he grasped my fingers and held on. i looked over from our hands to his eyes and understood. SNAP.


From: _______
to: Starfish1130
Subject: Opposite of guilt
Date: Wed, 25 Feb 2004 9:10:40 PM Eastern Standard Time

I am glad that you blush. That makes me happy. It's not that I am walking on eggshells, it's more like carrying eggs. I know you will hate to hear this, but I think you are fragile. Not little girl fragile. Not weak fragile. Like puppy fragile. You like to play rough, but you still need lots of love and affection. And I want to give you that love and affection. That and kisses.


next time you see me, give me a hug.

- Taking Back Sunday "This Photograph Is Proof" -

15 June 2005

you're so polite indeed... well I've got everything I need

i think i know the definition of soul mate.

that one person... and in time past, miles apart, lives changed... that one person is still there. a TRUE promise, a promise to never give up... so long and i still mean it. i've never seen someone look at me the way you do, no one has ever made me feel so loved. i've never trusted someone so completely. it's always bee more easy to hate you... but i don't... i understand and i will continue to wait. just passing the time, everyone else has just been a filler to make it go by a little quicker.

i know this all came out of nowhere.

and yeah, it's cliche, but i never meant for all of this to happen... i don't regret one second of it. i saw you and you spoke and i KNEW. it was so hard to concentrate on those stupid lessons... i was overcome by the urge to learn how to juggle... sometimes i drink arizona green tea... and peel off the label like you always do... and i never would have have tried sushi... i loved the swampy car... loved the bobble head on the dash... loved those broken shoes... and your desert cammies... loved watching you play... love hearing you sing... love the late night conversations and the inside jokes and loved knowing you felt the same way i did.

i never meant it when i said i'd do anything for someone.

sure, i've compromised here and there for whomever, giving up little stupid things, choosing to just hide the rest... but i have never been more serious. i'd leave everything. this feeling is one i can't walk away from. i may never get the opportunity to have pure and complete happiness. you make me that happy. you make me want to stop doing all the things to myself and other people that have caused so many problems in my life. you make the drama go away. i don't have to question myself with you.

i want to be able to say these things to you instead of type them and let them be. i want you to understand exactly how i feel... i want to know what you want me to do. and i know you have no answers. but you can't just keep waiting and seeing... you just keep waiting and seeing and then maybe you'll never have to make any decisions, because everyone will just make them for you you. you can't do that. you have to make them yourself.

i sound like a little kid. i've lost all my eloquence. there are no words to dress this up and make it make more sense. i don't understand either. i still can't wrap my head around all that has happened, and how my feelings HAVE NOT CHANGED. you should have faded away by now... it's really something that you haven't.

so i guess i can't tell you what a soul mate is. this has been a very poor definition. i'm sorry. i miss... everything.

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Soul To Squeeze" -

14 June 2005

I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear

ah, drill... it's the damn surface of the sun and i'm rolling in the sand with a greasy, burning weapon... my uniform smells like CS and my lungs are still complaining... i've got sandy sweat in my eyes, it's so damn hot... the rounds we have are shit, i haven't ever touched this weapon i am firing with... none of them were cleaned the last time they were used and all are malfunctioning... not enough CLP... not enough water... i'm hungry and i don't want a heater meal... i'm sick of my kevlar... it's heat CAT 5 now... range control reports it's 102 degrees with the heat index... still firing... night fire after this, can't leave the range yet... god, i must smell like shit... my shoulder is sore from firing... i just want to crawl into a lake and die.

i heart the army.

man... gotta go to work...

"cause that's just who i am this week"

- Fall Out Boy "Sugar, We're Goin Down" -

08 June 2005

sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key... sing me anything


here, print this one out:

wednesday: fucked up. a phone call at work that made no sense. lots of cigarettes.

thursday: fucked up? i think. i don't remember. probably nothing.

friday: MORE fucked up. a trip to woonsocket, pizza and soda on the bed... then a phone call and an admission... an apology. a drive in my car, the back porch, the bedroom, a fan in the window.

saturday: the movies? was it saturday? the days are all running in together. the movies (i think) and something else... ??

sunday: breakfast, then the grafton flea market. all the way to the rope swing in douglas, turned back, the apartment... a beard trimmer, the back porch. later, mini golf? but no. my car, another long drive and then nothing.

monday: supposed sickness in the morning, a quick stop in northbridge... burger king for lunch and home depot after work. drove and drove... the bank, home depot, the mall... thunderstorm warning and i didn't have to be alone.

tuesday: woke up late and hurried up 495... uxbridge then providence then dartmouth then new bedford then fall river then back. a clean car, barefoot football, darkness and the drive back. another phone call... the back porch, the bedroom, back again and back again... sleep...

now it's wednesday again.

"you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would, you would..."

- Straylight Run "Existentialism on Prom Night" -

03 June 2005

and if you carry on this way, things are better if I stay

THAT was fucking weird. i swear that man has a chemical imbalance.

a few crazy days, some shit i can't talk about here. you want to know? call me. but no more plans for the next few days! as if i don't have enough zany half-developed ideas in the works. i'm going to stay in Maine/New Hampshire. i'm going to Worcester. i'll be on Linden St. i'm staying home and playing with the cats. i'll be in R.I. i'll be with _____. you want me? call me. call me call me call me. and i'll tell you about my nights.

this shit is bananas.

and my phone's ringing... again...


oh, and there's a liar in the midst... someone planting scandals... and running around with half truths mixed with what i could be implying... someone coming to me seemingly unarmed (i'm not that stupid, you know)... hmmm... wonder who that could be... (taps chin thoughtfully)

- My Chemical Romance "Helena" -