29 April 2004

like indecision to call you... and hear your voice of treason

ah yes, NOW i remember what a keyboard looks like.

(waves away dust cloud)

hope this thing still works...

so friday night SloB came back to massachusetts. he's stationed at Fort Drum in NY, but he lived here before he enlisted, and now that he's home from his year in afghanistan, he took leave and drove down here to see his family and friends.

let me interrupt to put out there that i HATE this man, and the only reason his worthless existence even enters my thoughts is because he's friends with Rico and BB for one, and two, he's married to one of my semi-friends from highschool, who is actually closer friends with K-Dawg. so i sort of have to accept the fact that he's alive.

so. friday night and i was at the apartment with Rico and BB and BB's latest weekend girlfriend, and SloB was supposed to be coming over later. i drank a few and fell asleep kind of early, maybe around midnight or so. i had to work saturday morning, so i didn't want to be too hung over / still trashed on my ride to work.

around 3 in the morning i am woken by loud obnoxious drunken yelling from the tv room. Rico sleeps through almost anything, so i punched him until he woke up and told him rather rudely to go see what the fuck was going on. so he got up, opened his door, and yelled down the hallway, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The Noisy Bitch, who was making all the ruckus, proceeded to yell back, "FUCK YOU, DUDE! IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT!" so then he yells back "FUCK YOU IT'S MY GODDAMN HOUSE! BE QUIET OR GET THE FUCK OUT!"

there was continued yelling back and forth between them after that until SloB intercepted. he stood in the doorway to the room we were in and tried to defuse the situation, promising to keep her quiet.

i found out from BB the next night that SloB's idea of keeping The Noisy Bitch quiet was by fucking her in BB's room. niiiiiice.


and by the way, i was contacted again two days ago by my Restricted Caller, previously mentioned a few entries ago. except she was posing to be someone else... the (instant message) conversation is as follows:

his sn: HEY
me: omg, hi
me: not much, you?
his sn: ___ IS PISSED AT ME
me: i coulda told you that after she fucking called me
his sn: i know
his sn: what do you think i should do?
me: about?
his sn: ___

[by this point i had realized that this was not the person they were claiming to be, due to typing style - all caps, then all lowercase - and the obvious lack of... i dunno... personal touch? this is not how you start off a conversation with someone you supposedly care about and haven't spoke to in two months without letting them know why.]

me: prove this is you
his sn: you go by elocin
me: more than that
his sn: like what?
his sn: look if you are going to give me a hard time also, i don't want to talk to you
me: i'm not
me: i just want to be sure you're you
his sn: just forget it
me: no
his sn: whatever
me: what diable2 character do i play with?
me: diablo2*

[long pause, no response]

me: nice try, whomever you are

[another pause, and then:]

his sn: how about the ring? prove anything...?
me: um, nope
me: look, i already told you i'd go away, i haven't called, haven't done anything. so there's no reason to harass me
me: and he ended up with the ring by accident, i sent an email with my address asking for it back, i don't know what else you want from me.


his sn signed off at 4:39:00 PM.

the mean side of me thinks i should have played along a little, or maybe told her all the things he's told me and what he's said about her. and maybe i won't have to wear this scarlet fucking A on my chest alone, because damn fucking straight i'm not the only person in the *wrong* here. and i'm sick of carrying the repercussions of our actions by myself.

how's that for a "growling puppy"???


ha! my dad just asked me about the scratches on my car, the ones from backing into the plow...

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -

23 April 2004

please tell me why... my car is in the front yard, and i'm sleeping with my clothes on

my sister and i washed my car in the driveway the other day when i was relatively warm out (65 degrees) and my dad came outside and sat on the steps and watched. he asked me about a little quarter-sized dent in the hood, and then claimed he could pick out a new dent or scratch on a car from quite a distance, even in the dark.

i wonder, then, how long it will be before he notices that i backed into his plow a few nights ago. for the west-coast portion of my audience, a plow would be an attachment for a truck or SUV which pushes snow off the road, out of the driveway, etc. you know, snow? white and fluffy? cold? falls from the sky?


- Lit "My Own Worst Enemy" -

21 April 2004

where are you? and I'm so sorry. I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight

i have always been a strong believer in the idea that you cannot find love by searching for it. i've always imagined it kind of like getting a birthday gift from someone you were sure would forget, or like finding a winning scratch ticket on the ground... like it would just sort of fall into your lap and sit there looking up at you and say, "hi, it's me. it's love. i'm what you've been looking for." except you wouldn't really be WAITING, you'd be completely engrossed in something else, hopelessly busy and probably miserable. and then it would be a surprise.

and this love wouldn't be needy or demanding. and it wouldn't start arguments with you, so you wouldn't need to devote all of your time trying to fix your problems with it. love would be calm, and patient, and let you throw your fits sometimes, and just wait until you were done ranting to remind you how silly you sound. it would call you when it said it was going to, be where it said it was going to, and do what it said it was going to. it would tell you every day how important you are, how beautiful you are, how special you are. the thought of this love would give you goosebumps, set butterflies loose in your stomach, even after so long, even after 2 1/2 years. it would never get sick of you, and you most certainly would never get sick of it. you would wake up every morning feeling this love, feeling loved, and loving the feeling, and loving, just loving... and you'd be happy.

(sigh) those are just sub-beliefs. my core-belief is that love is not something you actively seek out. then WHY am i feeling so fucking needy? why so pathetic? my standards are lowering, i can feel it, and i hate it. i'm desperately LOOKING for someone (and it's turning into ANYone) to love me, who isn't Rico, who actually lets me speak when i want to.

i'm getting off topic. what i mean to say is that i'm disappointing myself by looking too hard and by lowering my standards.

they say the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem... but hopefully now that i've typed this out and cleared my head some, i can get myself back on track. because i don't deserve to be unhappy. someone special told me that and i believe him. and why him and not the others? i dunno. i guess it took a little love.

it all goes back to love.


riddle me this: why do i always refer to myself in the second person?


tonight i told him, "i hate you."

and meant it.

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -

12 April 2004

so bring on the rain

...got most of my shit out of Rico's house this morning... all that's left there is my graduation gown and two pairs of shoes. i was too tired from the fight to climb back up the stairs to get them. i'll save THAT argument for another day.

i see now that it was stupid to even think some sort of a friendship could be salvaged from the hell we put each other through. he admitted to me the other day he'd liked L all along... that is, after i found a note to him from her confessing her undying love for him and asking him why he wasn't "trying." the noted ended with her concluding he could never be there for her emotionally, only "physically." tell me what that sounds like??

but you know what? i don't even care. and i'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt. it makes no difference whether they did anything or not. because i've grown pretty much indifferent to any new shit he throws my way, and i think that even if i found a tape of the two of them fucking, i would just laugh. they are both worthless human beings and they deserve each other.

so yes, stupid to imagine a friendship with him. a lot of things i've done have been stupid... and although everyone loves to tell me what's right for me (and don't get me wrong, i DO appreciate the support), the only way i'm really going to learn is by making mistakes and moving on. falling on my ass and getting back up.

i have to go to work.


my VIP... do you still love me?

- Jo Dee Messina "Bring On the Rain" -

09 April 2004

hey, so glad you could make it

worst morning EVER! i would rant but i haven't the time nor the energy. i have to get to work for 5 so i can't stay long... just wanted to type down the thoughts that have been suffocating me all day.

talked to my Knight for a bit yesterday afternoon... it'll be nice to see him this weekend. i'm more appreciative of his willingness to listen to me bitch than he knows (misplaced modifier??). hmm... but what are we going to do tomorrow night? suggestions, anyone??

yeah, so, left HIS house this morning in tears, AGAIN... STUPID, STUPID! i keep telling myself, it's $3,000, but i'm starting to care less and less. maybe i should give up and just cut my losses now...? went home, changed quick, blow dried my hair, and left. the potential job inquiry went surprisingly smooth... now i'm left with the decision to switch jobs or not. as usual, still haven't finalized my master plan yet, but stay tuned...

drove from there to see K-Dawg... had "senior year: retrospective" over eggs and bacon at IHOP. it was a good time. talked about the people we've seen since we graduated, about the people we haven't seen, about the people we wish we've seen. i love hanging out with her because we don't always have to talk about the major problems plaguing us... it's nice to forget about them for awhile and get back into good old fashioned high school gossip. i'd been feeling pretty unloved until i got to her house, but she made me feel better, and the two of us laughed at how much of an idiot Rico is. see? nothing to stress about. i just keep losing my head. i need to calm down. anyways, i enjoyed reliving senior year with her, but thinking about it made me a little sad... life seemed so much simpler a year ago. i was gonna go away for training after i graduated, come back, get a good job, move in with Rico, get married, have a kid, and live "happily ever after."

no, actually, i probably would have KILLED myself if my life had worked out that way. thank you, my VIP, for opening my eyes, and for making me realize i DON'T have to be unhappy for the rest of my life. maybe there ARE people out there who can love me and care for me and treat me the way i should be treated. i need to find him... but i've already found the one i REALLY want...


what's it like watching a train wreck as it happens?


"oh look at my face
my name is might have been
my name is never was
my name's forgotten"

- Hole "Celebrity Skin" -

07 April 2004

and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters and no pearls

you know i haven't even fully unpacked since coming home from maryland? subconsciously, i think, i'm contemplating NEVER unpacking, and just stuffing the boxes into my car and driving away into the sunset. like a damn cowboy or something. beautiful.

i have to get out of this place before i end up institutionalized. this can't be healthy. i want to claw my way out of my skin and attack someone and eat their brains and take over their body. sort of like the bug-thing from Men in Black.

and even if there isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that very well might exist only in my mind... it's not like i've never fallen on my face before.


on one side of the scale, i've got the unknown, the ethereal rainbow.

on the other side of the scale, i see every day of my life, each day exactly the same. fighting and working (slaving) and taking care of a 21 year old infant. cleaning up after him and waiting on his every need. alcohol-fueled wars raged over the most insignificant incidents. constant poverty due to his frivolity. depression. suicide.

(sigh) what am i WAITING for??

...how long has it been now? 22 days and counting...

"if you think you might come to california...
i think you should"

- Counting Crows "A Long December" -