31 March 2004

pour me something tall and strong

another long-ass blue-collar day at shaw's... fuck, i am TIRED! stupid old people spending their social security checks on damn lottery tickets... if i ever get that pathetic, do me the favor and shoot me.

took a nice long lunch around 12:30... went outside, smoked a cigarette and stared out at the rain. such a dreary, ugly day... matches my mood. i wish it were nicer out 'cause my car could use a good cleaning, but there's no way i'm going out to vacuum it in the rain.

so yeah, today sucked so far, but at least i worked with Tk today. she doesn't mind when my breaks run a little long, and she's so easy to get along with. a lot of the people i work with are morons, but Tk is great. i'm so glad i work days now... don't have to deal with the high school punks in the evening and all their bullshit. yeah. i hate people.


i really need to get out of this mood. i'm feeling completely uninspired today... this is the most un-profound entry i've written so far. what do i do? i don't know what the *right* course of action would be, but i'll tell ya what i'm GOING to do anyways, *right* or wrong... GET DRUNK! mmm, liquid dinner, i can't wait. i need to just get trashed and forget about all this shit. SOOO much on my mind... (sigh) don't even feel like getting into it. nothing new, mostly, just old wounds festering and developing gangrene. nasty. maybe i'll fucking drink hydrogen peroxide tonight to cleanse myself.

someone, please... love me...!

- Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett "Five O'Clock Somewhere" -

26 March 2004

we could live like jack and sally if we want

you know what? FUCK prince charming, AND his fucking horse, AND the fucking castle.

VIP, you still wanna know my fantasy?

i want a '79 ford pickup, powder blue with rust spots, and a broken tail light. i want to smoke my marlboro lights with the window rolled all the way down, year round... lots of sunshine, to match my hair. no more fucking rain clouds. and NO SNOW, ever! i want to listen to the eagles in the TAPE DECK and rock out, even at red lights when people driving next to me stare at me singing, and not give a shit. i want a loud exhaust, so everyone notices me drive by. i want to pump my own gas in a sundress and flip flops.

i want a guy who doesn't give a shit about my truck, or about cars in general. who offers to pump my gas for me. a guy who gives me goosebumps. i wanted faded blue jeans and a plain white tee on a slender but muscular frame. and work boots. maybe. taller than me. light eyes and short hair, an infectious smile. 

big hands, but gentle, capable of a good massage. clean fingernails, left handed.

i want a guy who whistles and who isn't afraid to sing. a guy who is happy more often than sad. who lets me take his picture. a guy who loves chocolate as much as i do and likes wasting a sunny saturday on the couch watching tv.

i want a guy i can ride a harley with, a guy who doesn't mind getting lost with me. a guy who lets me wear his shirts to bed and use his razor in the shower. who isn't afraid of sexuality. i want to make love on flannel sheets, no candles or rose petals, just some music in the background. lips all over me, fingers in my mouth. i want to cuddle when we're done and fall asleep curled together.

i want to talk about life and taking over the world and time travel at our kitchen table over a cup of starbucks coffee. i want him to call me princess, and i want to know i'm his number one.

i want a second floor apartment, small, but MY OWN. dark blue carpeting in my bedroom. granite tile in the kitchen, wooden cabinets stained golden brown. lots of windows. i want a high-pressure shower with glass doors and a seat inside, and a black radio on the counter. i want a fridge with an ice-maker on the door, and inside, a 6-pack of smirnoff ice. a nice set of china and stainless steel silverware. i want a little yard with healthy, green grass, and i want to walk through it barefoot. and when i come home from work, i want a grey and white cat named Basil to jump off the couch and rub against my leg.


where's my life going? and how do i get there? i just wanna be happy.

i need to RELAX!!!

"and we'll have halloween on christmas"

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -

22 March 2004

it's fun to lose and to pretend

...dusting off the keyboard...

haven't written in so long because, frankly, i've been too angry to say much of anything to anyone, much less type on a fucking computer to a faceless audience. and sometimes i feel like i'm only typing to myself. like i'm on a fucking island or something.


friday, in Rico's car, on the way to get alcohol for like the 4th time last week... in the middle of a huge fight already because i wasn't going to be drinking with him that night, and my cell rings. restricted. and i NEVER answer restricted calls. Nibbey is the only friend of mine whose number comes up that way, and she knows to dial *87 before calling me so her number shows up and i'll answer. so why did i think it would be a good idea to answer THIS call? maybe i wasn't thinking at all. maybe i just needed a break from the fight. but still, I NEVER ANSWER RESTRICTED CALLS. but i did anyways.

let me back up.

it was three days and NOTHING... and THEN this call. from a person i'd never seen nor spoken to. of course i lied my ass off, but my initial plan of action in the split second i had after the caller identified themself was to spill everything and leave VIP to clean up the mess. i was SOOOO angry that he could just hide like that... and HURT. i wanted to VOMIT, to puke up the angry mixture of emotions in my stomach. and i was in the car with RICO of all people, who was turning purple from trying not keep from screaming at me while i was on the phone (he was kind enough to wait until after i hung the phone up, and my tears didn't slow the fury any). deciding to cover for him as best i could, i tried to defuse the situation and appease my Restricted Caller by agreeing to disappear.

my brain was leaking as i hung up the phone. my shirt was sticky and red from the massive chest wound, and pure venom dripped off my tongue and down my chin. Rico's hatred fell on deaf ears. later in the evening i liquified the rest of my organs. woke up still drunk the next morning and went to work for 9.

and after the blood... STILL NOTHING.

- Nirvana "Smells Like Teen Spirit" -

14 March 2004

because she only wants the wrong way

i somewhat made peace with myself today. and how did i do that? funny you should ask...

Rico's apartment building only provides parking for tenants, so everyone that came to the party last night had to park at the convenience store down the road, or at the church, which is right across the street. lazy me picked the church parking lot. so then this morning, standing on the porch smoking a butt, i happened to look over at my little car and saw what looked like a flyer on the windshield. let me remind you that today is sunday. curious, i finished my cigarette and walked over to see what it was.

it seems that the church people didn't like the fact that my car was parked in their parking lot while there were having service this find sunday morning. so some stupid bastard stuck a HUGE ASS florescent ORANGE sticker right in the MIDDLE of the windshield, bearing the words:

VIOLATION! This car is parked illegally and is therefore subject to fines and/or towing. Your license plate has been recorded.

ok. that's fine. except there are NO signs prohibiting parking in the GIGANTIC parking lot. i know because i checked. and this sticker took up a good portion of my windshield and could be seen from the street. i'm lucky my car didn't get fucking towed. and so are the church people, because then they would have a window or two to replace.

pissed off? just a little. and i wasn't in the most pleasant of moods to begin with. i didn't eat hardly anything yesterday and then drank on an empty stomach so i was feeling a little woozy, had a really shitty night altogether, woke up sore from sleeping on a hardwood floor, and had a vague recollection of a drunken telephone conversation with someone i was hurting. i'd been trying to figure out what to say to him and my head hurt. now i had to get a razor and scrape the fucking thing off so i could drive my car.

so i'm standing in the parking lot scraping away and everyone going into the church is looking at me (stupid me parked right near the door) and my head is throbbing and i feel like shit and i just want to scream, "WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE!" at the church people and put a fucking brick through one of their windows and then suddenly...

i didn't give a shit. because it could have been a lot worse. the sticker, while ugly and ANNOYING, was put there by the church people, not the police, and it was only a warning. there wasn't a parking citation on my windshield, and apparently there could have been. i guess. even with no signs. or a cop could have driven by and seen the sticker and had my car towed. but all i had to do was scrape the thing off and park somewhere else, that's all. it could have been a lot worse.

and that's my POINT. my whole LIFE could be a lot worse. what does complaining change? absolutely nothing. happiness is a CHOICE. and the only way to achieve happiness is to grab the bull by the balls and take it. i WANT to be happy. and if that means doing something that everyone else thinks is crazy then so be it. i am only one person, i cannot please everybody. but i've spent so long trying to do that i forgot about myself. i don't want to follow the rules anymore.

ok. chew on this: so i'm driving along this straightaway (metaphorically speaking) and at the end i see a stop sign. it's late, i can see there's no one else on the road with me, so i speed up. i'm almost to the stop sign, it's right in front of me. no one at the intersection.

what do i do? do i stop because it's the *right* thing to do? whose right? maybe it's my wrong. maybe i think that the stop sign should be a yield. maybe i don't believe in stop signs at all.

so i fucking run it.

(sigh) i have a feeling that i'm the only person who will understand that analogy. comparing running a stop sign to the direction my life is taking...? and if ONE fucking person makes note of the legality issue in both situations... I SO DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!! i'm an adult, DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!

...on a darker note...

drinking last night was horrible. i guess that's what happens... i was drinking way too quickly, one after another. there were ghosts in my bottle, and tears of a man shed over me. i drank and drank and then chased it all down with some tears of my own.

i hated myself... doing a lot of that lately... and still missing him...

- Sublime "Wrong Way" -

12 March 2004

apathy has rained on me, now I'm feeling like a soggy dream

what is WRONG with me today? woke up and felt like a big pile of shit the moment i opened my eyes. not even noon and already i feel like this day is a waste.

maybe it's because i want too much. i WANT my fucking car back... i WANT my recruiter to cut orders activating me to this office so i can make more money, because i WANT to be financially stable enough to make this money monetarily worry-free... i WANT to fid a college that has my major and doesn't require a zillion credit hours BEFORE i can even apply (fuck you, SDSU)...

i know i'm whining. i just want to be with him. i want this to all turn out ok. i keep telling myself to calm down and breathe, but i can't help freaking out at the amount of variables in the equation. i don't know how to solve it. i'm no good at this.

and i HAVE the list of colleges offering my major that my guidance counselor gave me (that doesn't sound right... misplaced modifier, maybe? forgive me, Mrs. Jones...), all i have to do is get the number for the admissions office and call... but i'm so scares of doors slamming in my face that i've just been sitting here agonizing... SPINELESS! what a mess i've become. i need some fucking motivation.


ok. i can't stay like this all day or i'm likely to kill myself. so... well, it's too early to call any west coast colleges right now, anyways, so maybe i'll take a drive to clear my head. there are two places that allow me to think the best: in the shower (cliche?) and in the car, smoking a cigarette. i realize i can't go on smoking forever (too expensive!), so i'm going to have to amend that one, but for now... maybe i'll find MY epiphany...

love me...

- Green Day "Burnout" -

11 March 2004

pardon me, pardon me, I'll never be the same

what a DAY! i'm thinking too much and it's driving me crazy. try to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and eventually your knees will buckle. i am not Atlas.


pierced and hardly feeling any better...

you know what, the world does not revolve around me. I KNOW THIS. but just once, that's all i'm asking, would it be possible to catch the star i'm after? why does it always have to end up like this? why the indecision? why the obstacles? WHY THE FUCKING DRAMA? no more speed bumps, i want a nice smooth road to cruise over. i want sweet-smelling fucking flowers lining my road and a beautiful fucking sunset to drive off into. no, you know what? screw the car. i want prince fucking charming to gallop up on his white horse, and THEN we'll ride off into the sunset. and i'll wear the flowers in my hair. and we'll go off to his huge fucking castle where it never rains and everyone is always happy. and i'll never have to sit here, ALONE, ever again.

i fucking HATE myself.

- Incubus "Pardon Me" -

10 March 2004

we don't need no thought control

what's it feel like when you expect to hit a wall that isn't there? today was too easy...

went to my high school, saw the guidance counselor, got my transcripts. he was extremely helpful... he understands, i think, the need to change and evolve, and my thirst for motion. he made a joke as i was leaving, saying he hoped i could find a job out there that would let me work the 100 hours a week i desire... i laughed, but it's true. i spent more than a few afternoons in his office while i was still in school trying to make him understand how i could work so much and keep the grades i had. i took the advice he gave me and drove to my recruiter's office. i explained to him the skeleton of my plan and although i don't think he bought all of it, he told me to let him know what i wanted to do and he'd take care of the rest for me. simple as that.

it was so easy it makes me nervous.

but what of the wall? i know it's there. i just haven't reached it yet. eventually i will find it and hit it. and then i'll lay there before it and feel sorry for myself.

actually, i think i saw the wall today, a dim shadow of it in the distance. it's been pretty foggy in my mind lately, so i could be mistaken, but it looks like someone has painted a name on the wall... wish i could make it out...

- Pink Floyd "Brick in the Wall" -

09 March 2004

only when I'm drunk I sing a song like this

just 12 fluid ounces, 5.6% alcohol per volume... one drink and i'm different? not just that, but intolerable? how is that? and he's never even seen me drink. all he sees is the bad and forgets that not everyone takes it too far. there's no blue button for me.

(sigh) i don't even feel like writing anymore. sorry, my loyal fans, but you'll have to wait. maybe i'll feel better tomorrow. the fight we had was depressing because it shouldn't have happened, and i'm sorry, and now i'm drained. i hate to argue at all, but with him it was a million times worse. and through a telephone, no less.

i miss him.


my sister just made popcorn by using the POPCORN button on our microwave. and all of the kernels popped.

- Crazy Town "Only When I'm Drunk" -

08 March 2004

oh make my days a breeze and take away my self-destruction

4:33 a.m. and he's asleep next to me, naked, a white sheet wrapped loosely around his waist. god, he's so SKINNY. in the dark he looks more fragile than usual. maybe it's the way he's laying there... on his stomach, embracing a pillow. it's too perfect... my eyes suddenly teary... i want to reach over and touch his shoulders. for some reason i can't get past them... i want to kiss them, run my hands along his spine. i want to lay against him and nuzzle my face into the dip  between his shoulder blades. but that might wake him... i don't want to rupture the aura of serenity he emits...

coughing. oh shit, it's loud and i can't stop. untangle myself from the blankets and stumble into the bathroom... coughing up a fucking LUNG. there's no way he could have slept through it. i compose myself and make my way to the bed.

he's on his side now, facing the hole in the blankets i'd crawl out of, his arm extended under my pillow... such a big bed and we're only using a third of it... sharing a pillow, in a semi-fetal position with his body curled around mind, his arm tucked against my chest... the definition of happiness. sleeping pressed against someone and not feeling alone. our feet touch and lay together... and i don't mind when his shin rubs the cut on my ankle. i wish there was someone who could take a picture of this perfection, my happiness in visual form.

he gives me GOOSEBUMPS. and my heart is beating so fast it's going to explode. my head hurts and i'm trembling, vibrating, like a hummingbird. his lips touch the back of my neck and i'm melting. how can i be so happy? my body doesn't know how to handle it... my brain is stunned and my heart is dizzy from doing back flips. how is this POSSIBLE? i don't understand. how can every little act, no matter how insignificant, give me chills?

he thinks i don't watch him but i do. i love how he moves about, the way he walks, how he carries himself. his self-confidence (whether genuine or manufactured) is so incredibly sexy... i want to be enveloped by him. i want to spend all my time with him, even if we're just eating popcorn and watching movies all day. i want to pretend to read while he plays, to close my eyes while he hugs me, and to listen to his heartbeat while he lays on his back.

he got on a bus and left me today and now i don't how what to do with myself. he said his chest felt empty... and it makes me sick, too. i'm so cold... i miss the sound of his voice already... i'd give anything to hear him sing... maybe even follow the sound across the country...

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Soul to Squeeze" -

04 March 2004

you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave

after the completion of the Basic Public Affairs Specialist - Writer course at the Defense Information School on Fort George G. Meade, Maryland... the last step of out processing, my last action as an IET soldier... my signature in the mythical *green book.*

i'd pictured thick, cream-colored pages bound in green leather with gold trim. in my mind, this book sat on a beautiful mahogany shelf, shrouded in a faint mist. and in the distance, the sound of angels playing harps.

the pac office yesterday, 1504: "you can sign the green book now. it's right there behind you," rebolledo said, gesturing vaguely over my shoulder.

turning around, i faced a dusty old filing cabinet with a plain black plastic shelving unit... and on top sat a warped green plastic three-ring folder. not even a book.

but i guess - as with all things, especially those at Student Company - you expect too much and you're bound to be disappointed. expect great things and you'll find nothing but a sham.

quite the appropriate way to depart Student Company.

USASSD, you shall be missed.


- Eagles "Hotel California" -

02 March 2004

finger tips have memories, mine can't forget the curves of your body

he didn't try to hide my tattoo.

Rico always placed his hand on my stomach and covered the tattoo with his forearm so he didn't have to see it. he used to tell me it was distracting, but he treated it as if it were temporary, like only paint on my skin. i guess he thought that if he showed enough distain it would go away.

but HIS mouth didn't avoid it, nor did it avoid my scars. i think he was trying to make me understand that they don't matter to him. it was a strange feeling. just skin cells, inked or scarred or whatever. and it made no difference to him. i wasn't being judged.


he kisses me with eyes open... i find it both arousing and intimidating. i feel like he can see INTO me... it makes me a little uncomfortable to be so open and vulnerable. but it was new, and kind of sensual... i could get used to it. it made me feel much closer to him, even though physically we couldn't have been any closer. does that make sense? the english language fails me once again.

we fell asleep together, even though it was half by accident, at least for me. waking up, i was extremely disoriented, but seeing him there comforted me. i trust him and i don't understand why. it's not that he's ever done anything to make me doubt him, it just takes a LOT for me to trust anyone. but trusting him is easy. and wanting to better myself for him is easy.

he's slowly re-writing my brain chemistry...

it was the most *right* i've felt in a long time.


in other news, i'm all done packing...

- Harvey Danger "Flagpole Sitta" -

01 March 2004

her dizzy head is conscience laden

newton's third law state that for every action there is an equal and/or opposite reaction. funny, sitting in my 10th grade science class, it didn't quite mean the same thing to me. consequences.

i believe in karma. "...for every even that occurs, there will follow another event whose existence was caused by the first, and this second event will be pleasant or unpleasant according as its cause was skillful or unskillful..." by skillful, it means without craving, resistance, or delusion.

without CRAVING? without lust? or greed? without selfishness? fantasies? LOVE? in that case, i'm guilty. my morals have fallen away. i'm acting solely in the pursuit of happiness, whether that be in my *best interest* or not. in fact, i'm probably insane for what i'm doing. but go ahead and ask me if i care.

it's easy to make... shall we say, unconventional... decision when you have nothing to lose. i've been told by more than a few people that i'm throwing my life away. WHAT LIFE? what is life? what is life when you are miserable, working a job that doesn't excite you, surrounded by friends who don't care about you, and a man who no longer loves you but only wants to control you? a family that abandoned you? it's not fucking worth it. i'm not "sacrificing" ANYTHING. no ties to massachusetts. so why not try something new? even if it all falls apart once i get there (wherever *there* ends up being... california or alabama or idaho or morocco or the moon...), what will i have lost? nothing, but gained an education, both in college and in the life variety. 

i want to learn from him. i think he has a lot to offer. he makes me WANT to be a better person, but by giving me the choice, not by forcing. no handcuffs, no ball-and-chain.

like a butterfly riding the breeze...

he said... "well, if you two want it bad enough, you'll find a way to make it work."

ask me how much packing i got done tonight...

- Stone Temple Pilots "Big Empty" -