two days ago i had a long conversation with CF and he cried a lot, so did i. he cried and told me how he was feeling, how he has no idea how he was feeling, how he wanted to understand how he was feeling. he said he's going to try to get some help, he hopes his insurance will cover at least some of it, he just needs a professional to help him sort out the mess in his head, and that he needs me to stay with him while he's working himself out. but really, i'm all out of strength to give him. i need to take care of myself. all my life i've been like a sponge, soaking up all the wrong in other people around me, taking in every shitty thing they've ever done to me and normalizing them all. i can't fucking take it anymore. i can't absorb any more of it.
i can't help him to understand himself because i don't know who i am. i don't know where i'm going or how i'm going to get there. i don't know what i want, i don't know what the FUCK i'm doing. i don't know how to make myself happy anymore. all of the sudden i don't have any answers. i can't just go on doing whatever, living like normal, hanging out with people and having fun and getting shit done for myself. i've lost the motivation to even breathe. it always feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. am i having panic attacks? i don't even know what's wrong with me. i fucking hate everything now.
i hate new bedford, i hate the drive to get here, i hate wanting to leave all the time.
i hate my new shaw's, i hate all the brain dead people i have to work with, i hate my new apartment, i hate having to sleep alone, i hate the fucking kittens and having to worry about them all the time, i hate having to take care of myself. i hate having to do my own laundry and having to pay for it, too.
i hate having bills and i hate not having any money, i hate having to ask for help all the time, i hate wishing i could go back to senior year and do everything all over again. i hate wondering if i could move back in with my parents and hate the thought of moving back in with my parents. i hate that CF lives with his parents now.
i hate wanting to move to california and being afraid i'll never get there. i hate knowing there's a distinct possibility that there's nothing out there for me.
i hate the blackstone valley, i hate seeing people i went to school with who are now successful and happy. i hate not having any friends. i hate knowing people are out having a great time and haven't thought to all me to see if i wanted to come along. i hate a certain someone who left for the summer and still hasn't bothered to call to let me know she's ok. and i hate knowing that she'd just say, "well the phone works both ways" because I'M not the one who left. i shouldn't be the one to call.
i hate my stupid phone and how it's broken again, i hate not being able to get up and leave whenever i want. i hate how nothing ever goes my way. i hate being hungry, i hate having to eat, i hate wanting sushi every night and not getting it.
i hate not having any good pictures of myself.
i hate country music and how i listen to it all the time and how much of a poser i feel like when i pull up someplace with the windows down and the music up. i hate missing emo and not missing emo. i hate feeling disloyal to WBRU.
i hate how it's been almost a whole week and still nothing, no word, no emails or phone calls and i STILL don't know what happened. i hate how you always say you'll get a hold of me and then you never do. i hate waiting and wondering what you're going to do. i hate how you're noncommittal about EVERYTHING.
i hate being stuck in this fucking rut and not knowing how to pull myself out of it. i don't know what the fuck i'm doing! i have no direction! i want to just run away from everything and start over, but then i don't even know how to do that, or who i'd want to start over as, or where i would go, or how i would get there. i can't stand not having all the answers. i just want to be happy and i don't know how to do that for myself anymore. i just want to be irresponsible and go and do whatever and not have to worry about the consequences. i want to be 16 again. i don't even know if that would solve anything.
and i hate how you all think i'm whining when i'm really on the verge of a nervous fucking breakdown and don't know what else to do. i'm falling apart. i can't breathe.
- LeAnn Rimes "Probably Wouldn't Be This Way" -