25 August 2005

slow things down or speed them up, not enough or way too much

i've got this weird feeling in my stomach... something is going to happen very soon and i don't feel the way i should feel, the way he expects me to feel, the way i tell him that i feel. i feel like my insides are bouncing inside me, swarming and dispersing, hitting the walls of my skin and bouncing into chaos. i'm made of pure electricity. i'm going to be torn in two.

i'm hurting. this is not easy for me... my heart has been stepped on too much, i'm so sick of crying, so sick of being lonely. i always feel like i'm the only thing holding all of this together, and that can apply to a number of situations. i hate to feel like i'm the only one who really cares. i try and try and try, at the expense of my own happiness, to ensure the happiness of others. (CF) told me the other night at the airport that i can't always try to take care of everyone all the time. when he said it i was already angry, but now i kind of understand.

still, what can i do? i know what i want and i don't know how else to go about getting it. give up and never know what could have been? for surely i can't rely on the other to keep things together. someone knows what i'm talking about. it may not be what you think. i can explain when i talk to you.


i keep checking my mail by the way. i want to know what i should do now. i'll need to get some money set aside... but i will make this happen. i've waited so long for this to happen, i won't lose the chance because i don't have the funds.

also, i have a date of sorts tonight.

"spare me just three last words,
'i love you' is all she heard.
i'll wait for you, but i can't wait forever..."

- Hawthorne Heights "Ohio is for Lovers" -

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