did it take long to find me?

So yesterday was a good day, a real nice end to these 12 days of leave - blueberry day! And some other cool things...

We slept in a little, then ate leftover pizza for a late breakfast/early lunch. After showers we headed out, first to Old Navy. For my military readers, Old Navy offers a military discount (with your ID, obviously) on the 1st of every month. Usually it's 10%, but in checking my receipt on the way out, I realized it was 30% yesterday. Kick ass.

After Old Navy we went next door to Bed, Bath and Beyond to try to find a glass carafe for Tree's lemonade (we've been keeping it in the fridge in a large flower vase that I bought at a yard sale for 50 cents... embarrassing...), but no luck.

Then on to the blueberry farm! I found DiMeo Farms online, in Hammonton, N.J., the Blueberry Capital of the World, and it seemed pretty cool, so there we went. What sweet people, I can't even tell you. Tree and I picked out 7 blueberry plants and I got a really neat rustic wooden hand-tray for carrying vegetables from the garden (so quaint it breaks my heart).


Before we left, the lovely blueberry lady gave us 8 poblano peppers to thank us for our business. Tree turned them into a superdelicious salsa when we got home (onions were store bought, tomatoes and additional peppers from our garden).

(a bit too much flash in that picture)

Got home and managed to get 4 of the plants in the ground before it got dark/we were tired. We still have to clear some more random wild crap away from the fence before we can get the other 3 plants in... tomorrow, hopefully. I also made a stick pile for Tree's eventual fire pit.

Then we made my favorite vegetarian sweet potato/bean burritos (don't hate until you've tried them) and I opened my birthday present early. My birthday is actually on Saturday, but Tree is going away for two weeks of training the very next day, and we wanted to enjoy my new toy a little before he leaves - an old fashioned ice cream maker!! I can't wait to get started. I'm going to at least try to make one batch before he goes back to MA.

And that was pretty much it. All in all a great day!

And now... I'm feeling very nervous about going back to work. It's really sad - the CPT makes me hate the Army a little bit. Words cannot describe what a terrible boss she is - she actually damages my self esteem. I dread going to work mostly because I healed so much over leave, and I don't want to go back to feeling like shit every day.

So I'm going to brainstorm a bit this week about my options, and I'm going to hang on to my Zen for as long as possible.

(crosses fingers)

"and if I ever lose my eyes,
if my colors all run dry
yes, if I ever lose my eyes
I won't have to cry no more."

- Cat Stevens "Moon Shadow" -

well I guess I should have heard of them from you

i cried for a long fucking time tonight... took a walk and cried the entire way back to my room, cried until i couldn't see straight. i made it back and stood outside my door a second to catch my breath and i almost threw up. my chest ached (still does), my knees were weak (still are), my eyes felt like bruises (still do).

you don't understand (neither do i)... i started crying for NO FUCKING REASON, none at all. my day went EXACTLY the way i feared it would one say... and then there i was, crying so hard i couldn't breathe. it was just a day. just an average fucking day.

and the more i walked, it was like every injustice that had ever been done to against me, every shitty thing anyone has ever said to me, every time i've ever been lied to, cheated on, stabbed in the back, kicked while i was down... it all came crashing down on me and i literally couldn't stop the snowball... and then not only did it mow me down, it threw the gears in reverse and flattened me again.

and as much as i knew i was just feeling sorry for myself, i couldn't stop. a pity parade in my honor, and i was marching along right out front... with a baton and a whistle and that stupid hat those people who lead parades always wear.

what kills me the most... and maybe i'm wrong in thinking this way... is that i consider myself to be a generally good person... and the cheating was the worst... because not only did it happen, did i ALLOW it to happen in a couple instances, did i ignore the signs, look the other way... the worst part was afterward, when my heart stopped pounding and my head cleared a little... and then there i was, wanting a hug, trying to think of some way this could be made up to me, thinking of that they'd have to say to make it alright. realizing this tonight made me cry even harder.

i told him to get the fuck out, or i took off, or whatever... and then an hour later all i wanted was to crawl into his lap and be held while i cried, CRIED OVER HIM. cried over how stupid i was? is someone who treated me so badly, laid next to me every night, lied right to my fucking face, even WORTH my tears? shouldn't i be burning all his shit and steeling myself against the pain?

i have a high tolerance for physical pain, but when it comes to emotional pain, it always seems easier to go back to the source and try and live with it than to push away and move on. so is that a fear of change? i guess.

i guess part of it IS routine (i've been thinking about this all night, so be prepared for my epiphany). seeing someone every second of your day, sharing all your thoughts, pouring your entire self into the relationship... eating, sleeping, and breathing another person... ad then to find out you love them SO MUCH MORE than they will EVER love you, so much that they would do something so horrible as to betray your trust and throw away all the work you've put in, so willing to discard you as if you were worthless... guess i was. it was always easier, lazier, safer to just stay, no matter how bad it was... not as scary as never having someone to hug and kiss and love. every guy i've ever been with has felt like the last... so after all this and despite all the dishonesty, i can't very well be ALONE, right?

so maybe there's something i can do to make this better, make you want me, make you love me as much as i love you, or even almost as much, half as much? i think i could settle for that. i think if i love you long enough and hard enough it will be good enough for the both of us, and as long as you promise not to ever leave, you can do what you want to me and i'll always be right here, maybe screaming how much i hate you, maybe crying and crying and crying, but rest assured, i'll be here.

you're broken and you treat me like shit and you don't deserve me but i love you anyways. when you're done stomping on my heart, i'm going to pick it up, dust myself off, and hand it back to you.

so yeah, part of it was routine, but most of it was just love and the fact that i always fall so hard, so fast... sometimes for the wrong person. i mean, very OBVIOUSLY the wrong person, right? if you're going to have someone else move in with you while i'm away at training, if you're going to use my fucking car to go visit your exgirlfriend, if you are going to keep naked pictures of your ex on your laptop and lie to me about it, lie to me about everything... you don't deserve a SECOND of my time.

and the fact that i was more willing to swallow that than to try to find someone who appreciates and loves me the way i deserve... that's probably the biggest tragedy of all. tonight as i walked home, i realized just how much i'm not over this... i'm not over it at all. i'm never the one who leaves, and every time i've been left, i stuffed it in a little box and vowed never to look at it ever again.

maybe that's why it's happened to me so many times.

i'm going to go to bed now... but first, i have a beautiful scrapbook to look through again... i've been neglecting it the way i've been neglecting all this baggage i'm carrying... but i'm trying, i really am, to get my head straight and stop fucking everything up. it's so easy to just say, "whatever, i'm so fucked up" and just use that as an excuse for everything... but really its just being fucking lazy and not dealing with reality and with your responsibilities. i'm NOT a princess, i understand this, oh i understand this more than you know.

"...i'm waiting for blood, to flow to my fingers

i'll be alright when my hands get warm..."

- Dashboard Confessional "The Best Deceptions" -

but it's not just my finish that's peeling, and it's not alone fleeing these walls

oh dashboard... we meet again...

ok, so i know i have problems, issues i need to work out. i understand this, and it's not that i don't want to deal with this, i do, just not everything all at once. i can only hold so many things together at the same time before i start to come apart at the seams. sometimes i think i need to just run away from everything i have here and there and all that i've ever known... and just start over. and YES, i would miss a lot of people, and YES, i would think about coming back all the time... but jesus fucking christ... how many times do people have to let me down? no, more importantly, how many times after i'm let down will i get back up and ask for more? this is such bullshit, i know it is, i've always known it is. some things are just to good to be true and it's only a matter of time before you realize what's hiding underneath that killer smile. and you'd think that once i realized it i would have gotten the hell out of there. and yet i didn't. at least then i would have had a shred of dignity left. now i just feel like day old left overs. "i'm gonna take this home cause i'm SO gonna eat it later, for real this time!" yeah, my leftovers always end up in the trash, too. that was a really poor metaphor. i guess i just don't know what i'm talking about. i guess what i mean to say is that it isn't fair, that i deserved some sort of warning, i shouldn't have the whole world raining down on my head all at once. i'm not as fucking strong as you think i am, as i pretend to be! i have spots that my shell doesn't cover and you always find them. like a turtle on its back. it's all there for the taking. see this heart? it's still fucking beating. it's still beating and i'm still stupidly here and still waiting, for something! waiting for i don't even know what. waiting for a solution to a problem i don't even understand. maybe there's no solution because there's no problem. maybe there never should have been the chance for a problem to arise. i knew it didn't feel quite right. now i don't even know what to do with my feelings, not that i understand them. i don't know what to do right now, i'm like suspended in midair and i can't figure out how to move away. i need to get out of this fucking place. i thought an hour away would be far enough but i was wrong. i need to be 10 million miles away from here. i need to be away so that i don't ever have to hear your name again. i don't know what i could have done to inspire so much hatred, but whatever i did, i'm sorry. i sincerely hope that it's just your way of dealing with... everything.

all i know is that i cried tonight, A LOT, and that's gotta mean something.

doesn't it?

- Dashboard Confessional "Turpentine Chaser" -

you gave me something that I didn't have, but had no use

(grinds teeth)

this is fucking retarded. CF strikes again... this is getting SO old.

...

so Nibbey left this morning... still not sure how i really feel about that. in complete honesty, i feel more than a little betrayed. two weeks without so much as a phone call, then i find out why last night. no one thought to give me a call and let me know Rico was back.

and i'm not sure she would have even told me she was leaving if we hadn't run into her at the mall saturday night. i'd told her she was more than welcome to move in with me in new bedford for the summer... and no? i'm not the one who up and left for a year, HE IS. I'VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME. i dropped what i was doing HOW many times to go to her house, take her away from whatever was going on? that's not even important. i'm not looking to be repaid or anything. i just...

and i KNOW they've been friends for longer than she and i have, but fucking seriously. after all the shit that happened, and she knows about EVERYTHING... what the fuck? and i'm not asking her to choose sides, i'm really not. i would never ask her to do that. i just never expected to by number two to fucking Rico.

i can't describe to you how hurt i am because (a) i really don't think she would have told me had i not seen her and (b) LOOK WHO IT FUCKING IS!

a phone call would have been nice. is that too much to ask for? i'm going to start screaming. i'm going to stand up in the middle of this library and start screaming and throwing shit and the cops are going to have to come and escort me out.

fuck this shit.

...

check for new mail... check for new mail... check for new mail... check for new mail... check for new mail...

sigh...

- Foo Fighters "Best of You" -

maybe I just wanna fly

yeah.

so now my door handle is fixed... the guy at the garage is calling the Mitsubishi dealership today to get me a part to make the window work again. sucks trying to smoke through the passenger window when you're driving. i should just quit.

mmm... was going to say something... was thinking about it all day... YOU SEE?? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON'T WRITE IT DOWN!!

wow, work sucked. but only another 9 days... we'll see where i'm at after that... and yeah, it's a pretty shitty job... still, i'm gonna miss the people there like crazy. i'm gonna miss the craziness, the massive amount of unnecessary work, the redundancy, but mostly the people. i was a little ashamed to admit that fact to Mr. Regular Army... but he smiled and said, "why do you think i'm still in the Guard?"

good point.

wore my hair down today... it's getting so long. remember when all i could do was spike it? (shuders) it's nice to have hair again. and randomly someone asked me today if i surf. yeah. in Massachusetts, all the time.

man oh man... so last night was kinda odd. hung out a bit... CF made a date with me for friday night... ANYWHERE i want. he already knows where i want to go. watched some tv and he ended up staying the night... i dunno... he's fucking bipolar. but last night was nice. and i'm NOT going to base my existence on one night or one weekend or even one month. i'm still leaving in 9 days. and it's just one day at a time... i won't tell you what he said, but things are looking... not exactly up, but at least at a 75 degree angle or so. i dunno. we'll see.

and 6 more days til wednesday... and my soul to squeeze....

"maybe i just want to breathe

maybe i just don't believe

maybe you're the same as me

we see things they'll never see

you and i are gonna live forever"

- Oasis "Live Forever" -

and if you carry on this way, things are better if I stay

THAT was fucking weird. i swear that man has a chemical imbalance.

a few crazy days, some shit i can't talk about here. you want to know? call me. but no more plans for the next few days! as if i don't have enough zany half-developed ideas in the works. i'm going to stay in Maine/New Hampshire. i'm going to Worcester. i'll be on Linden St. i'm staying home and playing with the cats. i'll be in R.I. i'll be with _____. you want me? call me. call me call me call me. and i'll tell you about my nights.

this shit is bananas.

and my phone's ringing... again...

...

oh, and there's a liar in the midst... someone planting scandals... and running around with half truths mixed with what i could be implying... someone coming to me seemingly unarmed (i'm not that stupid, you know)... hmmm... wonder who that could be... (taps chin thoughtfully)

- My Chemical Romance "Helena" -

so close to drowning but I don't mind

god, that was stupid. and yet i don't feel as badly as i know i should. it was a very bad thing that i did. i think what makes it worse is that i enjoyed myself 96% of the time doing it. i feel bad for not feeling bad. no one knows what i am talking about. i'm not sure i'm ready to share. most of you will agree that i've been incredibly dumb and i need to cut the shit right fucking now. i don't even recognize CF anymore. his bloodshot eyes and dopey smile just make me sad. how did this happen? those where the people i laughed at in high school, hanging out at the ETD parking lot (not much difference from a McDonalds in, say, Whitinsville), smoking pot and sleeping around. how did i fall for... trash? but i love it as much as i hate it, in a perverse way. i know i am not like this. it disgusts me. but i want to wallow in it, bathe in the filth, scrub my pores with it until i am clean. i want to know what it is like to change personalities in the middle of a conversation. i want to understand how one can fail so completely to see their potential. i want to know how not to care.

- Green Day "Burnout" -

like indecision to call you... and hear your voice of treason

ah yes, NOW i remember what a keyboard looks like.

(waves away dust cloud)

hope this thing still works...

so friday night SloB came back to massachusetts. he's stationed at Fort Drum in NY, but he lived here before he enlisted, and now that he's home from his year in afghanistan, he took leave and drove down here to see his family and friends.

let me interrupt to put out there that i HATE this man, and the only reason his worthless existence even enters my thoughts is because he's friends with Rico and BB for one, and two, he's married to one of my semi-friends from highschool, who is actually closer friends with K-Dawg. so i sort of have to accept the fact that he's alive.

so. friday night and i was at the apartment with Rico and BB and BB's latest weekend girlfriend, and SloB was supposed to be coming over later. i drank a few and fell asleep kind of early, maybe around midnight or so. i had to work saturday morning, so i didn't want to be too hung over / still trashed on my ride to work.

around 3 in the morning i am woken by loud obnoxious drunken yelling from the tv room. Rico sleeps through almost anything, so i punched him until he woke up and told him rather rudely to go see what the fuck was going on. so he got up, opened his door, and yelled down the hallway, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The Noisy Bitch, who was making all the ruckus, proceeded to yell back, "FUCK YOU, DUDE! IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT!" so then he yells back "FUCK YOU IT'S MY GODDAMN HOUSE! BE QUIET OR GET THE FUCK OUT!"

there was continued yelling back and forth between them after that until SloB intercepted. he stood in the doorway to the room we were in and tried to defuse the situation, promising to keep her quiet.

i found out from BB the next night that SloB's idea of keeping The Noisy Bitch quiet was by fucking her in BB's room. niiiiiice.

...

and by the way, i was contacted again two days ago by my Restricted Caller, previously mentioned a few entries ago. except she was posing to be someone else... the (instant message) conversation is as follows:

his sn: HEY

me: omg, hi

his sn: WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

me: not much, you?

his sn: ___ IS PISSED AT ME

me: i coulda told you that after she fucking called me

his sn: i know

his sn: what do you think i should do?

me: about?

his sn: ___

[by this point i had realized that this was not the person they were claiming to be, due to typing style - all caps, then all lowercase - and the obvious lack of... i dunno... personal touch? this is not how you start off a conversation with someone you supposedly care about and haven't spoke to in two months without letting them know why.]

me: prove this is you

his sn: you go by elocin

me: more than that

his sn: like what?

his sn: look if you are going to give me a hard time also, i don't want to talk to you

me: i'm not

me: i just want to be sure you're you

his sn: just forget it

me: no

his sn: whatever

me: what diable2 character do i play with?

me: diablo2*

[long pause, no response]

me: nice try, whomever you are

[another pause, and then:]

his sn: how about the ring? prove anything...?

me: um, nope

me: look, i already told you i'd go away, i haven't called, haven't done anything. so there's no reason to harass me

me: and he ended up with the ring by accident, i sent an email with my address asking for it back, i don't know what else you want from me.

[pause]

his sn signed off at 4:39:00 PM.

the mean side of me thinks i should have played along a little, or maybe told her all the things he's told me and what he's said about her. and maybe i won't have to wear this scarlet fucking A on my chest alone, because damn fucking straight i'm not the only person in the *wrong* here. and i'm sick of carrying the repercussions of our actions by myself.

how's that for a "growling puppy"???

...

ha! my dad just asked me about the scratches on my car, the ones from backing into the plow...

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -

so bring on the rain

...got most of my shit out of Rico's house this morning... all that's left there is my graduation gown and two pairs of shoes. i was too tired from the fight to climb back up the stairs to get them. i'll save THAT argument for another day.

i see now that it was stupid to even think some sort of a friendship could be salvaged from the hell we put each other through. he admitted to me the other day he'd liked L all along... that is, after i found a note to him from her confessing her undying love for him and asking him why he wasn't "trying." the noted ended with her concluding he could never be there for her emotionally, only "physically." tell me what that sounds like??

but you know what? i don't even care. and i'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt. it makes no difference whether they did anything or not. because i've grown pretty much indifferent to any new shit he throws my way, and i think that even if i found a tape of the two of them fucking, i would just laugh. they are both worthless human beings and they deserve each other.

so yes, stupid to imagine a friendship with him. a lot of things i've done have been stupid... and although everyone loves to tell me what's right for me (and don't get me wrong, i DO appreciate the support), the only way i'm really going to learn is by making mistakes and moving on. falling on my ass and getting back up.

i have to go to work.

(sigh)

my VIP... do you still love me?

- Jo Dee Messina "Bring On the Rain" -

it's fun to lose and to pretend

...dusting off the keyboard...

haven't written in so long because, frankly, i've been too angry to say much of anything to anyone, much less type on a fucking computer to a faceless audience. and sometimes i feel like i'm only typing to myself. like i'm on a fucking island or something.

anyways.

friday, in Rico's car, on the way to get alcohol for like the 4th time last week... in the middle of a huge fight already because i wasn't going to be drinking with him that night, and my cell rings. restricted. and i NEVER answer restricted calls. Nibbey is the only friend of mine whose number comes up that way, and she knows to dial *87 before calling me so her number shows up and i'll answer. so why did i think it would be a good idea to answer THIS call? maybe i wasn't thinking at all. maybe i just needed a break from the fight. but still, I NEVER ANSWER RESTRICTED CALLS. but i did anyways.

let me back up.

it was three days and NOTHING... and THEN this call. from a person i'd never seen nor spoken to. of course i lied my ass off, but my initial plan of action in the split second i had after the caller identified themself was to spill everything and leave VIP to clean up the mess. i was SOOOO angry that he could just hide like that... and HURT. i wanted to VOMIT, to puke up the angry mixture of emotions in my stomach. and i was in the car with RICO of all people, who was turning purple from trying not keep from screaming at me while i was on the phone (he was kind enough to wait until after i hung the phone up, and my tears didn't slow the fury any). deciding to cover for him as best i could, i tried to defuse the situation and appease my Restricted Caller by agreeing to disappear.

my brain was leaking as i hung up the phone. my shirt was sticky and red from the massive chest wound, and pure venom dripped off my tongue and down my chin. Rico's hatred fell on deaf ears. later in the evening i liquified the rest of my organs. woke up still drunk the next morning and went to work for 9.

and after the blood... STILL NOTHING.

- Nirvana "Smells Like Teen Spirit" -

and I swear, you're just like a pill

i should be the fucking photo editor. and i'm so pissed about it, i'm not going to say anything else school-related or else i might put my foot through the monitor.

5 fucking voicemails from Rico while i was at school, and after formation when he called and i ignored his calls, he left another two. it's just great how i used to have to almost bribe him to send me a single text message during the day... and how now that i'm gone he's turned all soft and gentle and "caring." and clingy... SPINELESS! he's a fucking WORM, a PARASITE, all he cares about is what HE CAN GAIN for being with me. he doesn't care about ANYONE except HIMSELF. he's a fucking CHILD, he wants everything handed to him, requiring him to put forth as little effort as possible. how could i be so fucking STUPID?

have to go upstairs... (sigh)

- Pink "Just Like a Pill" -

drifting and floating and fading away

hmmm... where to start...

friday was frustrating because the plans i had made were cancelled on me at the last minute. thanks Squire. in my annoyance, i called Rico and asked him to come se me. that's kinda shitty, i know... but sometimes things happen for a reason, i think. cliche, i know. my mind is feeling rather lazy tonight, and i have nothing better to offer. IRREGARDLESS, Rico took the time off from work and agreed to come visit. thus began one of the greatest weekends of my life.

Rico got to maryland at about noon on saturday. we drove around aimlessly until 3, when we could check into the hotel. it was amazing, though, because most of our relationship has been spent apart... his (marine corps) basic training, then MCT, then MOS training in california... he was gone for 9 months straight. a year together, then i left for basic in august... and other than exodus and this past weekend, i haven't seen him since this summer. every time we saw each other after time apart, it was always awkward, like we had to get to know each other again. not this time. his lips felt the same on mine, the smell of his clothes was familiar, and falling asleep in his arms was effortless. i loved every second of it.

we spent a lot of the time on the balcony of the hotel room just talking and looking at the sky. there was the most amazing sunset saturday night... i don't always like to admit it, but there's a few ounces of romance to be found in my blood stream. anyways, we DID NOT argue, and it was fucking wonderful. i don't even know how to describe how it made me feel... untouchable... weightless... happy. this was SOOO good for my soul, i can't even begin to explain it. i needed him. i'm going to marry this man.

forgive me for *another* cliche, but as this chapter opens, another respective chapter comes to a close. the Squire and i are so done... i just lack the ability and the words with which to tell him. we were just fooling each other; it was doomed from the start. i'm just sorry that we let it get so far that now it's going to be hard to say goodbye. but i love Rico, i can't do this to him. infidelity is such an ugly thing, i won't put him through it.

courage, anyone??

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Porcelain" -

when I wake up in my makeup

ugh, another THRILLING day at Student Company. 22 days and a wake up... but who's counting?

it is most definitely a monday.

went for an ability-group run this morning, finally. the wind made it slightly uncomfortable, but not too bad. i actually enjoyed the run. at the 7:20 formation we had a *thorough* in-ranks inspection, and even that wasn't very painful. huh. the network was down at DINFOS so we had a two hour delay.. two hours spend with some pointless, time-wasting "training," then off to school. still, nothing earth shattering. went to the dental clinic for my photo shoot, finished that up in about an hour, went to lunch.

ah yes, lunch. the Squire was still in class at 11:30 so i walked to the chow hall alone, but he got there soon after i did. i wasn't very hungry so i had a salad (although i found the quality of lettuce to be unsatisfactory), and the Squire and i talked. i hate how immature he can be, because i know that's not the way he really is. it's just a facade, a mask he wears to keep people from getting too close to him. it's easier for him to hide than to try forming any kind of a meaningful relationship, i guess. and by relationship, i don't necessarily refer to the one violating article 92... i just want to be his friend. it frustrates me that he acts like such an arrogant prick when i know he's really not. i've SEEN how sweet he can be, how selfless and caring. but he has this dr. jekyl/mr. hyde personality that upsets me. one minute he's great and we're having a good time together, and then suddenly he's cold and distant and COMPETITIVE. ugh. that's probably the worst of his moods. does it really matter whose boots are shinier? has our relationship disintegrated that much that our conversations have been reduced to kiwi and neutral wax? WHO GIVES A SHIT? why can't we just talk like normal people??

but i don't care. i lose interest by the day. or, at least i keep telling myself that. 23 more days and i won't have to worry about his drama anymore.

so here i find myself neither pissed off nor elated. i'm just... here. waiting for the axe to fall, i guess. today has been suspiciously incident-free.

ha! maybe i'll start a counter, __ days incident free, like you see posted at construction sites or in factories, __ days accident free. that ought to be amusing.

- Hole "Celebrity Skin" -

sunday, bloody sunday

well. i don't know what to say even to myself to sort this all out and make it "reasonably" understandable to the rational adult.

adult? that would require taking responsibility for one's actions, wouldn't it? ugh. i'm so disgusted with myself. how could i have let it get this bad? how is ti that i can build my world up out of lies and still sleep at night? i've become that person i swore i could never be. i'm taken by the urge to tear out my hair and collapse into tears. but would that solve anything? or would it just give me TEMPORARY SATISFACTION, like every single fucking decision i've made lately?

i need to stop going back in time and look to the future instead. how can you right the wrongs done so long ago? why is it that every time i get hurt i feel the need to strike back, or avenge my broken heart, and punish those who hurt me? even after the mess has been solved... what am i doing to myself? what am i doing to Rico? of all the people i could hurt... why him? i do love him so much, and i've done so much to push him away and break his trust and kill his feelings that it's a wonder he still talks to me at all. i hate myself for what i've done to him.

and what of the Squire? IS IT just convenience? what will happen once i leave maryland and go back to massachusetts? what life am i returning to? and what, exactly, am i leaving behind? so frustrating how he can retreat into his shell and shut me out. it's almost shocking how alike the Squire and i are... both so good at fooling people. but two people constantly hiding and spinning alternate lives are no good for each other. we read each other too well. he's pure evil. i've never met anyone who could see right through me.

but that's not to say the feeling isn't mutual. yea, i know he never left alicia, that he still talks to her and whispers that he loves her and that everything will be ok. but am i angry? no, not really. when you don't set your expectations high, it's hard to be disappointed.

i've had enough of this. i want to be a good person, i'm tired of the deception. and i'm tired of sitting pondering how i became this way because it's no better than not doing anything at all. i've become so lazy. i'm through with this life.

so another evolution... i suppose this must be number five or six for me. strip off the skin, all the evilness, and lie naked and exposed until i can develop into a normal person with functional feelings and a functional heart. i don't want to hate myself anymore. i guess the fact that i recognized this inner ugliness should be some source of hope for me. i guess my heart isn't as frozen over as i'd thought...