08 March 2004

oh make my days a breeze and take away my self-destruction

4:33 a.m. and he's asleep next to me, naked, a white sheet wrapped loosely around his waist. god, he's so SKINNY. in the dark he looks more fragile than usual. maybe it's the way he's laying there... on his stomach, embracing a pillow. it's too perfect... my eyes suddenly teary... i want to reach over and touch his shoulders. for some reason i can't get past them... i want to kiss them, run my hands along his spine. i want to lay against him and nuzzle my face into the dip  between his shoulder blades. but that might wake him... i don't want to rupture the aura of serenity he emits...

coughing. oh shit, it's loud and i can't stop. untangle myself from the blankets and stumble into the bathroom... coughing up a fucking LUNG. there's no way he could have slept through it. i compose myself and make my way to the bed.

he's on his side now, facing the hole in the blankets i'd crawl out of, his arm extended under my pillow... such a big bed and we're only using a third of it... sharing a pillow, in a semi-fetal position with his body curled around mind, his arm tucked against my chest... the definition of happiness. sleeping pressed against someone and not feeling alone. our feet touch and lay together... and i don't mind when his shin rubs the cut on my ankle. i wish there was someone who could take a picture of this perfection, my happiness in visual form.

he gives me GOOSEBUMPS. and my heart is beating so fast it's going to explode. my head hurts and i'm trembling, vibrating, like a hummingbird. his lips touch the back of my neck and i'm melting. how can i be so happy? my body doesn't know how to handle it... my brain is stunned and my heart is dizzy from doing back flips. how is this POSSIBLE? i don't understand. how can every little act, no matter how insignificant, give me chills?

he thinks i don't watch him but i do. i love how he moves about, the way he walks, how he carries himself. his self-confidence (whether genuine or manufactured) is so incredibly sexy... i want to be enveloped by him. i want to spend all my time with him, even if we're just eating popcorn and watching movies all day. i want to pretend to read while he plays, to close my eyes while he hugs me, and to listen to his heartbeat while he lays on his back.

he got on a bus and left me today and now i don't how what to do with myself. he said his chest felt empty... and it makes me sick, too. i'm so cold... i miss the sound of his voice already... i'd give anything to hear him sing... maybe even follow the sound across the country...

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Soul to Squeeze" -

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