01 March 2004

her dizzy head is conscience laden

newton's third law state that for every action there is an equal and/or opposite reaction. funny, sitting in my 10th grade science class, it didn't quite mean the same thing to me. consequences.

i believe in karma. "...for every even that occurs, there will follow another event whose existence was caused by the first, and this second event will be pleasant or unpleasant according as its cause was skillful or unskillful..." by skillful, it means without craving, resistance, or delusion.

without CRAVING? without lust? or greed? without selfishness? fantasies? LOVE? in that case, i'm guilty. my morals have fallen away. i'm acting solely in the pursuit of happiness, whether that be in my *best interest* or not. in fact, i'm probably insane for what i'm doing. but go ahead and ask me if i care.

it's easy to make... shall we say, unconventional... decision when you have nothing to lose. i've been told by more than a few people that i'm throwing my life away. WHAT LIFE? what is life? what is life when you are miserable, working a job that doesn't excite you, surrounded by friends who don't care about you, and a man who no longer loves you but only wants to control you? a family that abandoned you? it's not fucking worth it. i'm not "sacrificing" ANYTHING. no ties to massachusetts. so why not try something new? even if it all falls apart once i get there (wherever *there* ends up being... california or alabama or idaho or morocco or the moon...), what will i have lost? nothing, but gained an education, both in college and in the life variety. 

i want to learn from him. i think he has a lot to offer. he makes me WANT to be a better person, but by giving me the choice, not by forcing. no handcuffs, no ball-and-chain.

like a butterfly riding the breeze...

he said... "well, if you two want it bad enough, you'll find a way to make it work."

ask me how much packing i got done tonight...

- Stone Temple Pilots "Big Empty" -

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