are these times contagious?

So, yesterday was my birthday. (Happy birthday, me!) Tree was wonderful and decorated the great room for my birthday and got me a few thoughtful, photo-related gifts that incorporated photos I'd taken of our house and his garden. He also got me an ice cream maker but I totally bullied him into giving it to me early under the premise of making a batch before he left for AT - he's leaving in 2 hours and guess who never got around to making any ice cream?

Anyway, he was a great little husbandy and let me do anything I wanted for my birthday. We were originally going to spend the weekend away doing cool stuff, but there was some mandatory Army shit to take care of in the morning and then we had to go drop my car off at the Toyota dealership to get serviced/detailed/the-part-on-the-front-that-fell-off-like-the-day-I-bought-the-car-last-August-and-am-just-now-getting-around-to-replacing replaced. By the time we got back home it was nearly 1:00, so we decided it wasn't worth it to really go anywhere.

He made me my favorite lunch (a particular brand of organic mac & cheese - stop laughing!) and then I wanted to go check out a yard sale we'd passed on the way back from Toyota. Well, we ended up spending the rest of the afternoon cruising through all the twisting, eclectic lake-communities, hunting for yard sales. I found a ton of new clothes for Beeb (shirts, skirts, shoes, a winter coat, dresses, a sweatshirt, teeny jeans...), plus a pair of jeans for myself and two Halloween decorations, all for less than $15.

As it got later in the afternoon, most of the yard sales had been packed up, so Tree and I explored some more of the lake communities we hadn't seen before (there are like 10 lakes right near where we live). We've decided we live on the best lake. :)

We got home and Tree lit the tiki lights that line the walkway down to the lake and then we started a fire in the small firepit he built this week. While I puttered around doing laundry and odd chores, Tree started dinner (my favorite burritos, even though we just had them the other day) and made birthday chocolate cupcakes for me.

And although it was just a simple, low-key day, I had so much fun with Tree. He was so sweet and completely open do doing whatever I wanted, because it was my birthday, and it was important to him that I got to do what made me happy. And just driving around, pointing out yard sale signs and then turning down all the crazy streets looking for the actual yard sale (some signs went nowhere), just me and Tree without any stress, no worries, was just so, so great. It was, hands down, the best birthday I've ever had.

:)

So, the other day I got blog-tagged by bodoba!

This is what ya do:
1. Link to the person or persons who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random and/or revealing things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your post entry is up on your site.

So here we go, my 6 things (WARNING! Possible TMI ahead):

1. In general, I dislike having all my toenails painted the same color. I mean, what's the fun in that? So right now, from the far-left toe of my left foot to the far-right toe of my right foot, they are painted: orange, orange, orange, purple, purple, orange, orange, purple, orange, color-changing pink/yellow.

2. One of my nipples used to be an "innie." Like, it would wake up in cold weather and at other times (wink), but for the most part, it preferred to be a little cave. But then I got my nipples pierced and now all is right in the world.

3. I love watching medical-mystery type shows, like the Tree Man or Mermaid Girl. I'm both captivated and horrified. How easily any of these things could have happened to me!

4. While I don't anticipate giving up being a vegetarian, sometimes I miss the convenience of a restriction-free diet. Going out to eat is especially difficult - you can only eat so much salad/pasta.

5. Every time a lightning bug makes its way into my house, I catch it and make a wish while releasing it back outside.

6. I have never seen any of the Star Wars movies, nor do I have any desire to (I listed this one last in case you've now decided to stop being my friend; at least I made you read all my 6 facts so hopefully you'll make an fair decision and not base our friendship on a stupid 70's movie with lame hot-girl slavery, shitty special effects, regardless of how "groundbreaking" everyone says they were - oh and incest. So if you're choosing incest over being my friend, maybe I don't want to be your friend, either.).

I don't have very many blogspot-friends (so sad) so I'll just tag Meg.

"have I got a long way..."

- Collective Soul "Run" -

I'm melting (I'm melting) like hot candle wax

So - I've been absent for a few days, I know, but really - VERY BUSY. (Update: I actually started typing this post three days ago)

And though I hate having to post an update list (boring?), here we go:

- To lessen the blow of my niece's upcoming birth, I let Tree get a kitten. Actually, that's a lie. We were at PetSmart to pick up some litter and the foster/adoption people were there - cats and kittens and puppies galore. Tree wanted to go check them out, and when one of the adoption ladies asked us if we were considering adopting or just visiting, Tree said, "Oh, both?" and I knew, fuck, I'm coming home with a cat.

I resisted getting a kitten because I know older cats are harder to get adopted and I really wanted to be able to help one of them, but after talking with the adoption people, they convinced us a kitten would be easier to introduce to our two possessive adult cats. And the adoption/foster folks don't destroy any of the animals, they assured me. So we came home with a little spunky ball of energy that went nameless for a few days, but is now Fiyero. I'll post some pics when he sits still long enough...

- Now that it's been warmer and every few days there is a full one without rain, Tree (aka Crash Bandicoot) and I have been spending more time working on the house. I started digging out some of our decoration-type things (still in boxes from when we moved here... last November...) and Tree has his garden. Today we pulled out these weird and horrible weed/tree things growing along the edge of our "beach" on the lake. It's really only like 2 feet of wet sand, but it was getting overrun by rooty plants that are obnoxious to pull up. We also re-staked the tomatoes, took stock of growing pumpkins (three so far!) and pulled weeds growing among the pepper plants. We've also been talking about all the things we want to do with the yard... it's a good sized one and there are a TON of weirdo plants the previous owners planted without rhyme or reason.

- And the best thing - a little niece!! She was born the 25th at 8:30 pm, 7 lbs and 4 oz. Tree and I made it up there in time to wish my sister Yoshi luck before the big moment. And a short time later, there she was (even though the bitchy nurses were kicking us out of the hospital)! She is so beautiful, I can't even tell you. I know everyone says that about babies they care about while everyone else looking at the baby thinks it looks like an alien (just kidding?), but this baby is freaking adorable.

Gah, I'm fucking exhausted. This post pretty much sucks but I don't want to come back to it later, so there ya go. I'll try harder next time. 'Night.

"lovely is the feelin now

I won't be complainin"

- Michael Jackson "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" -

'cause it takes me where I can't find...

So Tree will be home on Sunday (though I might end up meeting him in MA if the baby comes early!!), exciting, right? Well, I'm excited. I haven't had a good night's sleep in two weeks, nor have I eaten a decent dinner. For the past three nights I have had soy hot dogs. Now I'm so sick of them that I think they are ruined for me forever (joins root beer and black olives). But I literally can't bring myself to try making something else. I can make pasta and sauce, but that's about it really. I'd be like the worst housewife ever - like Peg on Married With Children. Good thing Tree (mostly) doesn't mind doing all the cooking.

What am I good at? Bullshitting, spending money, and making impulsive decisions. I'm actually supergood at these things. Also good at planning (though not so good at executing, hence the impulsive decisions).

But it's ok! Tree sends checks out for the bills and buys groceries, and I make sure we have awesome throw pillows and plenty of orchids. I can talk my way out of any problem/issue we are faced with and Tree reminds me of the value of being nice. Then sometimes he's too nice and I have to kick some ass. He agonizes and procrastinates and talks and talks and talks about doing something and then one day while he's at work I just do it without telling him. He's grounded and more rational but I keep things interesting (and way fun... mostly). He takes the cats to the vet/groomer as needed and I feed (wild) ducks and geese out on the lake (the cats adore him and kind of just tolerate me). He cleans the litter box and I do all the laundry (I even pair all his socks). I spontaneously spent $240 on my new haircut when he left for AT, and he asked me if it was ok to spend $89 to buy us a lawnmower.

It's kind of fucked up but hey, it works.

"I wonder which cup you'll drink from...

I hope it's mine"

- The Verve "Slide Away" -

I'll start this off without any words

So... Tree left this afternoon for his two weeks of sitting around AT and already I'm lonely.

He went grocery shopping before he left and made sure the kitchen was stocked with things I can actually make (read: a lot of pasta), so that was nice. He also vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen until it sparkled (!!) and mowed the lawn. I looked around for a sweet note he might have left for me before he left, but no such luck. Ah, no one's perfect.

The next two weeks are going to suck.

Oh and it's raining monsooning and the Commander's Golf Cup that was supposed to be tomorrow has been cancelled (lost my excuse to wear a skirt to work!) and the stupid Dining Out is Saturday and the CPT talked me into driving to her house (an hour away) tomorrow night so we can go buy dresses at the outlets (30 more minutes away). Just what I wanted to do. "Oh but you can stay overnight at my house." Yeah, probably not.

I'm just a big complainer tonight, eh? But what the fuck, I'm entitled.

.....FINE. What else should we talk about?

Well, I rediscovered my love for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. One of my cats excaped from the porch today and was joyously eating grass next to the garden when I found him. My dad is getting here the day after tomorrow. Last week I created a brochure for the brigade FRG because (a) I was bored and (b) they needed one and besides, (c) I have Adobe Creative Suite on my computer - this later turned into a huge fucking deal that I made the brochure and not the civilian who's the full time FRG person and she really got into trouble for not creating it herself even though (a) she never asked me to do it and (b) it was really no trouble at all... and I felt bad (but the brochure came out really cool and everyone loved it and I'm happy they are still going to use it).

The leftover burrito I had for dinner was superdelicious. One of my orchids died (I think). I'm totally ditching out on PT tomorrow. It's still raining (sounds kinda nice on the skylights).

And my nails are still perfect, in case you were wondering. :/

---

17 days until Tree gets home. :(

"I got so high, I scratched til I bled"

- Nirvana "On a Plain" -

all this trying has made me tight, and I don't even know where to start

Tell me you love me; surprise me with flowers! Pick me up and squeeze me in the air - spin me around. Offer to paint my toenails. Let me have the good guitar, and don't complain if I want to play bass on Guitar Hero every time. Wait outside the shower and wrap me in a towel when I'm done. Kiss me on the nose. On the forehead. On the lips, and not just when you're leaving for work. Kiss my finger tips. Pull my boots off for me when I get home, and listen to me if I need to vent. Make the bed up the way I like it, with the new sheets and all the pillows. Use extra dryer sheets when you wash my shirts. (Wash my shirts without me asking.) Scoop my favorite ice cream into a mug, my favorite way to eat it. Rub my back. Rub my feet. Play with my hair. Sing me something - a song on the radio or make one up yourself. Or write me a poem. Leave a note for me to find later. Fold a paper bird and hide it in my car. Make me something. Help me build a snowman, or make snow angels with me. Leave me a silly message on my voicemail. Tell me you like my new makeup but that I'm beautiful even without it. Let me kiss you and don't wipe my lipstick off. Have all my candles lit when I get home and let me taste a bite of dinner before you're done cooking. Taste my experimental cooking. Dress up and take me out someplace nice and don't get mad if I drink too much. Hold my hand and give it a little squeeze. Dance with me in the living room. Laugh at the crazy things I find online. Read this blog and talk to me about the things I write about. Surprise me at work and bring me lunch. Let me drive your car. Let me tickle you. Smooch my cats. Carry me to bed. Take a shower with me in the dark. Make me a cup of tea.

Sit on the dock with me and feed the ducks. Let me throw most of the bread. Or just rest with me awhile on the bench and marvel at the serenity of the lake. There are million ways to let me know you care for me. I've just listed a couple. You only need to choose one, and move forward. It's not as complicated, perhaps, as you're making it.

"and it's strange that you cannot find

any strength to even try

to find a voice to speak your mind

when you do, all you wanna do is cry"

- Alexi Murdoch "Song for You" -

and we could talk about forever for a day or two

oh fuck yes.

so ok, this has been an insanely crazy fucked up ride. these past three weeks have whipped by and i'm still out of breath from the race to keep up. i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. i'm crazy happy... and yet a part of me still gets defensive over that. i shouldn't have to justify my friggin happiness, you know? no one has to understand but me, and for a good part of it i don't. and that's ok. it matters not what i'm doing, or where i'm going, it's the people i'm spending time with that make the difference, and those people i wouldn't trade for the world. in such a short time i feel a lot more like family than i have in a long long time. and this time, it's all me, i'm not "Rico's girlfriend," just an accessory for his ego. these people hang out with me for me.. and that means more to me that you can imagine. i've done so much in the past few weeks that i wouldn't for anyone else... and i fucking love it. i can't friggin wait for halloween, no drama this time!

in fact, no more drama ever! Tree makes me feel so incredibly happy, the things that he does for me and the way he looks at me and what he says to me. i've never met anyone so willing to give so much of themselves to someone they don't even really know. he's just plain amazing... don't know what else to say. don't know what the future holds. but i'm happy with the way things are and are going... ;)

Nibbey ; you are the bestest friend i could ever hope for, and i'm so happy that everything is ok with us again. and to think, you started off as a friend of a friend... now you're the closest friend i have. i wouldn't have wanted to have miscarriages and bloody socks with anyone but you (haha). thanks again for everything, for still being there when i need to vent and for always offering a shoulder to cry on. i laugh so much with you it makes me want to puke. it might not sound like it, but that's a good thing. :)

and i still miss CF, i really, really do. i can't listen to country songs without thinking of him, and i had to take all the pictures down and put all his clothes away. i drove around for a couple days with a picture of the two of us on my dashboard, but now it just makes me too sad.

"so before you go and turn me on

be sure that you can turn me loose"

- Dierks Bentley "Lot of Leaving Left to Do" -

the weight of my decisions were impossible to hold... but they were never yours

there is something insanely sad about driving past your best friend's house and seeing the FOR SALE sign at the end of the driveway. damn, i'm gonna miss that pool... (sigh)

...

sometimes i wish there was a photographer that followed me around everywhere, taking pictures of moments that will mean much more long after they've happened. not like a lunatic paparazzi-like photographer, just someone who'd quietly follow me and take my picture without being seen. he'd have to be with me every second of the day, though, cause you never know when you're about to do something that will change your life forever. i want a record of those moments, i want to hold them in my hands and look at them and smile and hang them on the fridge. i want something concrete, something i can show people later, when i'm telling a story.

i'm obsessed with documenting things. you must know this by now... i'm still here, still posting, even thought this journal has gotten me into more than a little trouble. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and just HAVE to write SOMETHING, lest i forget by morning... you never know, it could be the most important and relevant and profound thing i'm ever going to think!

or i'll be driving and i'll be spacing out, right, and then suddenly i'll have this idea, this crazy awesome idea, like how to start the first paragraph of that novel i keep meaning to write... and i'll try to just kick it around in my head until i can't stop and write it down... especially if i have to be somewhere, you know? i can't just pull over... and then usually by the time i get to where i'm going, the idea is gone, that first paragraph is still unwritten, still a big question mark.

but when i can, i write down everything. at work, right after i get out of the shower, before bed, while i'm watching The Daily Show... it makes me crazy cause the words are screaming to get out. sometimes when i'm not alone and i'm trying to be quiet, i can hear the thoughts clawing the inside of my skull. i'm not crazy. i just need to bleed these thoughts before they overwhelm me.

i'm going off on a tangent. what i really wanted to mull over is that photographer... wouldn't that be great? i could look at those pictures later and be able to remember EVERYTHING, cause i'd have that visual, and the rest would just fall into place. i'd have everything else, the smells, tastes, sounds... i'd have this beautiful memory, enhanced by the photos... and i'd never forget anything.

so if you could have a photographer follow you around, what photos would be on your fridge?

i've got a couple i want to hang on to. see if you can figure who all is in them.

and i told you i'd warn you: now i'm going to reflect:

it was after school and we had just broken up and i was sitting on the front steps, crying in the sunshine. i called him because he was my best friend then and there was no one else i wanted to see more than him. his older brother drove him to my house and dropped him off and he came to the steps to sit with me. i asked him if he was thirsty and without waiting for his answer, i went into the house and brought out two glasses of Sunny Delight. we sat there on the steps for a long while and he listened to me while i talked and cried. there was a lull in the conversation and he put his drink down and wrapped his arms around me. SNAP.

we were sitting outside on his porch playing scrabble. the movie had just ended and we were talking about what we thought it was about. he was wearing his Eddie Bower tee shirt, the same one he was wearing last summer when i decided i didn't hate him. it was nice outside and he was winning and i lit a cigarette, only the third or so i'd had all day. inside, before the movie ended, i'd put on this silly straw cowboy hat that was sitting on the end-table next to the futon. he smiled at me, out there playing scrabble, and told me the hat suited me. SNAP.

it was hot and muggy and we were standing out on the causeway, it was dark. we were talking about the moon and how pretty is was reflecting over the water, and he said i was like the moon. i thought he was being a little sappy. we looked some more and talked and leaned against the concrete where people always go fishing. we were looking at the sky, and i spotted a shooting star, and pointed, so that he would see it too. he came forward and hugged me and i rested my head on his chest and breathed in the night air and thought that there wasn't a single other place on this planet i would have rather been at that second. SNAP.

he was leaving the next morning and i'd had too much to drink, WAY too much. i was so sick... i've never been as sick as i was then. he found me in his bedroom while the party was going on in the other room, just me and Peace Pipe, sharing a bottle of vodka. he knew i was going to be sick and he picked me up, carried me like a child to the bathroom, where he sat me down next to the toilet. i didn't want to throw up but he was forcing me to drink some milk, i just wanted to lay down and sleep. he was so worried. i threw up a little and rested my head on the toilet seat, trying to calm my stomach. he sat on the floor next to me, his back against the bathroom door, his head in his hands, and he was crying. SNAP.

we had been out that night, at the mall i think, i don't remember, it doesn't matter. it was dark and i had to be back and anyway we were both tired. we were driving thought the gate and i gave him my ID, which he handed to the MP, the MP looked at them and handed them back and we were on post. and he was telling me that he'd never spent time alone with a girl whom he was only friends with. and we were alone, we'd been alone all evening, and i didn't catch what he was trying to say so i asked him, as he was handing me back my ID. our hands touched and he grasped my fingers and held on. i looked over from our hands to his eyes and understood. SNAP.

...

From: _______

to: Starfish1130

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Opposite of guilt

Date: Wed, 25 Feb 2004 9:10:40 PM Eastern Standard Time

I am glad that you blush. That makes me happy. It's not that I am walking on eggshells, it's more like carrying eggs. I know you will hate to hear this, but I think you are fragile. Not little girl fragile. Not weak fragile. Like puppy fragile. You like to play rough, but you still need lots of love and affection. And I want to give you that love and affection. That and kisses.

...

next time you see me, give me a hug.

- Taking Back Sunday "This Photograph Is Proof" -

you're so polite indeed... well I've got everything I need

i think i know the definition of soul mate.

that one person... and in time past, miles apart, lives changed... that one person is still there. a TRUE promise, a promise to never give up... so long and i still mean it. i've never seen someone look at me the way you do, no one has ever made me feel so loved. i've never trusted someone so completely. it's always bee more easy to hate you... but i don't... i understand and i will continue to wait. just passing the time, everyone else has just been a filler to make it go by a little quicker.

i know this all came out of nowhere.

and yeah, it's cliche, but i never meant for all of this to happen... i don't regret one second of it. i saw you and you spoke and i KNEW. it was so hard to concentrate on those stupid lessons... i was overcome by the urge to learn how to juggle... sometimes i drink arizona green tea... and peel off the label like you always do... and i never would have have tried sushi... i loved the swampy car... loved the bobble head on the dash... loved those broken shoes... and your desert cammies... loved watching you play... love hearing you sing... love the late night conversations and the inside jokes and loved knowing you felt the same way i did.

i never meant it when i said i'd do anything for someone.

sure, i've compromised here and there for whomever, giving up little stupid things, choosing to just hide the rest... but i have never been more serious. i'd leave everything. this feeling is one i can't walk away from. i may never get the opportunity to have pure and complete happiness. you make me that happy. you make me want to stop doing all the things to myself and other people that have caused so many problems in my life. you make the drama go away. i don't have to question myself with you.

i want to be able to say these things to you instead of type them and let them be. i want you to understand exactly how i feel... i want to know what you want me to do. and i know you have no answers. but you can't just keep waiting and seeing... you just keep waiting and seeing and then maybe you'll never have to make any decisions, because everyone will just make them for you you. you can't do that. you have to make them yourself.

i sound like a little kid. i've lost all my eloquence. there are no words to dress this up and make it make more sense. i don't understand either. i still can't wrap my head around all that has happened, and how my feelings HAVE NOT CHANGED. you should have faded away by now... it's really something that you haven't.

so i guess i can't tell you what a soul mate is. this has been a very poor definition. i'm sorry. i miss... everything.

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Soul To Squeeze" -

the streets were wet and the gate was locked so I jumped it, and I let you in

what a strange weekend...

i was almost sleeping and he rolled over and touched my army and asked me if i got my phone calls. i asked him what he was talking about, what phone calls, and he told me he thought they were on lines one and two. we were at NC's house. later that night, i'm told, i asked him to go get my some cheese. i don't remember wanting cheese.

he told me he didn't want to fight with me and that december is further away than i'd thought. i think i stopped breathing. i wanted to cry. i didn't say anything, just rolled over so my back was to him and tried to breathe again. he moved over so he was against me and tucked his arm under mine and kissed the back of my neck. i fell asleep.

i asked him about it yesterday and he said he only meant that he wanted to make the best relationship better rather than good. it came out awkward, but i knew what he meant. it was sweet. i told him i loved him and hung up and went to bed.

- Dashboard Confessional "Hands Down" -

where are you? and I'm so sorry. I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight

i have always been a strong believer in the idea that you cannot find love by searching for it. i've always imagined it kind of like getting a birthday gift from someone you were sure would forget, or like finding a winning scratch ticket on the ground... like it would just sort of fall into your lap and sit there looking up at you and say, "hi, it's me. it's love. i'm what you've been looking for." except you wouldn't really be WAITING, you'd be completely engrossed in something else, hopelessly busy and probably miserable. and then it would be a surprise.

and this love wouldn't be needy or demanding. and it wouldn't start arguments with you, so you wouldn't need to devote all of your time trying to fix your problems with it. love would be calm, and patient, and let you throw your fits sometimes, and just wait until you were done ranting to remind you how silly you sound. it would call you when it said it was going to, be where it said it was going to, and do what it said it was going to. it would tell you every day how important you are, how beautiful you are, how special you are. the thought of this love would give you goosebumps, set butterflies loose in your stomach, even after so long, even after 2 1/2 years. it would never get sick of you, and you most certainly would never get sick of it. you would wake up every morning feeling this love, feeling loved, and loving the feeling, and loving, just loving... and you'd be happy.

(sigh) those are just sub-beliefs. my core-belief is that love is not something you actively seek out. then WHY am i feeling so fucking needy? why so pathetic? my standards are lowering, i can feel it, and i hate it. i'm desperately LOOKING for someone (and it's turning into ANYone) to love me, who isn't Rico, who actually lets me speak when i want to.

i'm getting off topic. what i mean to say is that i'm disappointing myself by looking too hard and by lowering my standards.

they say the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem... but hopefully now that i've typed this out and cleared my head some, i can get myself back on track. because i don't deserve to be unhappy. someone special told me that and i believe him. and why him and not the others? i dunno. i guess it took a little love.

it all goes back to love.

...

riddle me this: why do i always refer to myself in the second person?

...

tonight i told him, "i hate you."

and meant it.

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -

oh make my days a breeze and take away my self-destruction

4:33 a.m. and he's asleep next to me, naked, a white sheet wrapped loosely around his waist. god, he's so SKINNY. in the dark he looks more fragile than usual. maybe it's the way he's laying there... on his stomach, embracing a pillow. it's too perfect... my eyes suddenly teary... i want to reach over and touch his shoulders. for some reason i can't get past them... i want to kiss them, run my hands along his spine. i want to lay against him and nuzzle my face into the dip  between his shoulder blades. but that might wake him... i don't want to rupture the aura of serenity he emits...

coughing. oh shit, it's loud and i can't stop. untangle myself from the blankets and stumble into the bathroom... coughing up a fucking LUNG. there's no way he could have slept through it. i compose myself and make my way to the bed.

he's on his side now, facing the hole in the blankets i'd crawl out of, his arm extended under my pillow... such a big bed and we're only using a third of it... sharing a pillow, in a semi-fetal position with his body curled around mind, his arm tucked against my chest... the definition of happiness. sleeping pressed against someone and not feeling alone. our feet touch and lay together... and i don't mind when his shin rubs the cut on my ankle. i wish there was someone who could take a picture of this perfection, my happiness in visual form.

he gives me GOOSEBUMPS. and my heart is beating so fast it's going to explode. my head hurts and i'm trembling, vibrating, like a hummingbird. his lips touch the back of my neck and i'm melting. how can i be so happy? my body doesn't know how to handle it... my brain is stunned and my heart is dizzy from doing back flips. how is this POSSIBLE? i don't understand. how can every little act, no matter how insignificant, give me chills?

he thinks i don't watch him but i do. i love how he moves about, the way he walks, how he carries himself. his self-confidence (whether genuine or manufactured) is so incredibly sexy... i want to be enveloped by him. i want to spend all my time with him, even if we're just eating popcorn and watching movies all day. i want to pretend to read while he plays, to close my eyes while he hugs me, and to listen to his heartbeat while he lays on his back.

he got on a bus and left me today and now i don't how what to do with myself. he said his chest felt empty... and it makes me sick, too. i'm so cold... i miss the sound of his voice already... i'd give anything to hear him sing... maybe even follow the sound across the country...

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Soul to Squeeze" -

finger tips have memories, mine can't forget the curves of your body

he didn't try to hide my tattoo.

Rico always placed his hand on my stomach and covered the tattoo with his forearm so he didn't have to see it. he used to tell me it was distracting, but he treated it as if it were temporary, like only paint on my skin. i guess he thought that if he showed enough distain it would go away.

but HIS mouth didn't avoid it, nor did it avoid my scars. i think he was trying to make me understand that they don't matter to him. it was a strange feeling. just skin cells, inked or scarred or whatever. and it made no difference to him. i wasn't being judged.

(sigh)

he kisses me with eyes open... i find it both arousing and intimidating. i feel like he can see INTO me... it makes me a little uncomfortable to be so open and vulnerable. but it was new, and kind of sensual... i could get used to it. it made me feel much closer to him, even though physically we couldn't have been any closer. does that make sense? the english language fails me once again.

we fell asleep together, even though it was half by accident, at least for me. waking up, i was extremely disoriented, but seeing him there comforted me. i trust him and i don't understand why. it's not that he's ever done anything to make me doubt him, it just takes a LOT for me to trust anyone. but trusting him is easy. and wanting to better myself for him is easy.

he's slowly re-writing my brain chemistry...

it was the most *right* i've felt in a long time.

...

in other news, i'm all done packing...

- Harvey Danger "Flagpole Sitta" -

her dizzy head is conscience laden

newton's third law state that for every action there is an equal and/or opposite reaction. funny, sitting in my 10th grade science class, it didn't quite mean the same thing to me. consequences.

i believe in karma. "...for every even that occurs, there will follow another event whose existence was caused by the first, and this second event will be pleasant or unpleasant according as its cause was skillful or unskillful..." by skillful, it means without craving, resistance, or delusion.

without CRAVING? without lust? or greed? without selfishness? fantasies? LOVE? in that case, i'm guilty. my morals have fallen away. i'm acting solely in the pursuit of happiness, whether that be in my *best interest* or not. in fact, i'm probably insane for what i'm doing. but go ahead and ask me if i care.

it's easy to make... shall we say, unconventional... decision when you have nothing to lose. i've been told by more than a few people that i'm throwing my life away. WHAT LIFE? what is life? what is life when you are miserable, working a job that doesn't excite you, surrounded by friends who don't care about you, and a man who no longer loves you but only wants to control you? a family that abandoned you? it's not fucking worth it. i'm not "sacrificing" ANYTHING. no ties to massachusetts. so why not try something new? even if it all falls apart once i get there (wherever *there* ends up being... california or alabama or idaho or morocco or the moon...), what will i have lost? nothing, but gained an education, both in college and in the life variety. 

i want to learn from him. i think he has a lot to offer. he makes me WANT to be a better person, but by giving me the choice, not by forcing. no handcuffs, no ball-and-chain.

like a butterfly riding the breeze...

he said... "well, if you two want it bad enough, you'll find a way to make it work."

ask me how much packing i got done tonight...

- Stone Temple Pilots "Big Empty" -

and it comes to be, that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel...

a barren expanse... lifeless. earth cracked and split like chapped lips, but without blood to convey the agony. nothingness. not even a breeze. not a soul around. my heart.

then... slowly, haltingly, storm clouds begin to form overhead, black smoke against the gray sky. billowing upward, the smoke of my cigarette. it reaches the clouds and multiplies, thick and smoldering. i'm terrified. but their fury brings the promise of change, so i hold my breath and wait. a light rain begins to fall, in a bowling alley. then harder, a downpour, the sound maddening. off in the distance, a figure offers me an umbrella. i think he's about 6'4"...?

and then through my cloudy heart, a single ray of light... a moment... a heart-stopping swirl of hormones and giggles and flesh and love and saliva... a moment that could last an eternity. time freezes in place, and all the individual elements come together in a rush - the hole in the wall, my chain falling from the dresser, clothes on the floor, the red bible, a broken shoe, tattoo-less shoulders, the sound of an invisible shower, reaching for towels in the dark... my lips part to form his name...

then a blinding flash of reality... and me without sunglasses. i've only got these rose-colored glasses that someone once gave me... parked at a gas station. in a red grand am.

...

he asked me... if i were an animal, what animal would i be? i told him a butterfly, but i didn't fully explain why. i'd be a butterfly because they're never sad. they're beautiful, and everyone loves them. and everyone knows that if you touch their wings, they will lose the ability to fly, and ultimately will die. PEOPLE UNDERSTAND BUTTERFLIES. they understand that they are delicate and take care to see that they aren't injured. and once a butterfly has done all it can in one particular place, it can grasp ahold of the wind and fly away to another beautiful place, and everyone understands. because that's what butterflies do. butterflies are only expected to be beautiful and to fly about as they please. and nobody hurts a butterfly.

but i am not a butterfly, and i'm not asking anyone to understand...

"...is just a freight train coming your way"

- Metallica "No Leaf Clover" -