it's like forgetting the words to your favorite song

2010

I've been very bad at keeping this updated in the last few months. I could say I've been too busy, but actually I've spent an embarrassing amount of time on the couch. I think it's just that I ran out of things to say, got bored with my own thoughts, couldn't find any inspiration, I don't know. I look around my life and see a lot of areas for improvement, but now that I'm actually looking, it doesn't seem so overwhelming as I'd thought.

I've realized a few things in my hiatus:

- I really love anti-folk.

- I have the most amazing husband. Seriously.

- We belong in New England. Now that I've accepted it, and knowing that we'll eventually get back there, makes me feel a whole lot better about living in New Jersey.

- I should be a veterinarian. It makes more sense and resonates with me deeper than anything ever has, even being a Soldier.

- The Army is not the solution to all of my problems. I do not need the Army to make me somebody; I can and, in time, will stand on my feet without it (see above).

I won't call them resolutions, but my goals for 2010 are:

* drop the rest of my 15 lb post-deployment weight

* less Facebook, more Wii Fit (see above)

* BCC on my way to Rutgers on my way to Tufts

* more tasting, more adventures, more crafts, more fresh outdoor air, more reading, more ambiance, more kisses, more photographs, more doing

...

This felt really good. I'd forgotten how much I love to write.

"you can't believe it, you were always singing along"

- Regina Spektor "Eet" -

who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints?

Alright, so this past weekend was pretty cool. Tree was away in MA for training and I had planned on doing what I always do when he's gone - sulk, eat tofu hotdogs for more days in a row than is probably healthy, and sleep with the bedside lamp on and a knife under his pillow. I know you're all jealous of how much my life rocks.

But I'd agreed, like a month ago, to go to the Eagles home-opener (vs the Saints) with a few people from work and had already paid for the ticket, so there was Sunday. And then Tea convinced me to go to the Delaware Sängerbund Oktoberfest in northern Delaware with her sister and a friend on Saturday. Not much time for sulking.

So Saturday I drove out to their house and we took the Prius into trashy Delaware. The Boozen Puken Oktoberfest was actually pretty cool, and if I go again next year, I'm totally going to buy a dirndl to wear there. You know, even though I'm not even a little bit German.

We drank some German beer (Märzen), ate a giant pretzel (didn't wait in line for the mustard though), had some more beer (of course), ate an apple streusel (cause we're fat), watched some Bavarian folk dancing (so cool), was hit in the shoulder by a flying stuffed parrot (didn't see who threw it at me, but now it's sitting in my bedroom). Drove back in awkward silence as Tea's sister made out in my backseat with her, ah, friend?

Sunday I got up a little earlier, picked up Ariz at brigade headquarters and drove out to Philly. We met up with the CPT, her boyfriend (both rabid Eagles fans), and one of the battalion SGMs, who happens to be a huge Saints fan. And even though I really didn't care either way which team won, I had a great, great time. Ariz and the SGM are hilarious together, and the CPT was actually really cool (she was a little drunk - we all were). The Saints ended up stomping the Eagles and like 3/4 of the stadium cleared out with 10 minutes left of the game. There's some loyalty, right?

We stayed until the end, which made leaving the parking lot rather difficult, but Ariz is also from MA, so he watched for openings in traffic and helped direct my asshole moves through the wall of cars. Haha. Massholes.

So not the weekend I planned, but a good one nonetheless. Friends are good.

Oh also, Tree had flowers sent to our house today. Adore that man. <3

and I ain't got no worries 'cause I ain't in no hurry at all

Haven't posted in awhile - I didn't realize it, but I needed to take a break and decompress. I'm currently on leave from work (day 8 of 12) and am feeling much, much better. I don't really want to get too much into it (I always say that, don't I?) so I won't, and instead look to better things and what has been nourishing me lately.

A quick rundown (I hate these lists):

- Tree's homemade lemonade, the best lemonade I have EVER tasted

- pulling vines/weeds/yard monsters out of the trees and lawn, and envisioning what a beautiful, welcoming space we will have once we're done

- picking and eating fresh tomatoes, summer squash, zucchini, and green peppers that Tree grew in our backyard

- visiting local farm stands and buying corn, blue berries, and carrots

- planning for Halloween (some projects I plan to try are a few sinister-looking Witch Jars for out on the porch and a whimsical, kid-friendly Witch's Cauldron for the front entryway - there are a lot of small children in my neighborhood...)

- continuing the process to purchase this lovely house that Jack built (despite its issues quirks - or perhaps because of - I am head over heels for this house)

- oh! and getting ready for the superawesome summer cookout we're having at the end of August; I can't wait to have everyone I care about, together, at our home

I guess that's really it! You could say I've done a whole lot of nothing on these days off, but sometimes it's the nothing that refreshes you to take on anything.

"well, if it rains, I don't care,

don't make no difference to me"

- The Doobie Brothers "Black Water" -

cause I'm alive, so alive now

[untitled] by: Garden Variety Photographer

"I wanna run through your wicked garden,

heard that's the place to find you..."

- Stone Temple Pilots "Wicked Garden" -

and suddenly you're in love with everything

Weird. Fucking. Day.

Remember back when I said I was going to start volunteering at the animal shelter near my house? Remember when I still haven't done it yet?

Today a lightning bolt came out of the sky/the ceiling in my office and hit me - and then there I was, typing in the website for the shelter and saving their phone number in my cell phone.

Then, like, 15 minutes later, I was overcome by the urge to sneak a cigarette. For those who do not know me, I've been battling a nicotine addiction for approximately a million years. Lately I've been winning (unless we have a unit in training or I'm in Iraq - what is it about the Army that makes me want to smoke more?). So today, not training and not in Iraq, it was odd but overpowering, my need for a Marlboro. I walked down to S6 and hit up one of the civilians, who was happy to get away from his desk for a bit.

We walked out back and sat on the picnic table and talked about his impending divorce (that sucks) and why no one wants to live in New Jersey (true story). He smoked a second one (I didn't) and then we headed back toward the building.

"Hey, Sgt. Malibu, want to see some kittens?" I turned to see a MSG who works downstairs standing off in the grass near our parking lot. [It reads that way, but she really didn't sound so much like a pedo trying to lure me into a van as it looks here, I promise.]

"Um, ok?" I said, confused, and walked toward her. "Where are they?"

She pointed to the storm drain, hidden in the grass next to her. I peeked in, and at the bottom, about 4 feet down, three teeny kittens huddled together in the wet leaves. My heart melted.

"I called DPW [Department of Public Works] and they referred me to Pest Control - the guy is on his way here with something to scoop them out of there." She looked worried. "I don't know where the mother is, I think she may have been that cat that got hit earlier... and it's supposed to rain tonight and for the next few days. They'll drown down there, you know?" She knelt down and peered in. "But I don't know... I asked the Pest Control guy what he was going to do with them and he didn't really answer me."

Um. "What do you mean, he didn't answer you?"

"I don't know. But he's the Pest Control guy."

Lightbulb! "I can take them to a shelter that's near here. I was literally just looking up their phone number. Seriously."

She stood up, looking relieved. "Ok, want to go get a box then? I think we have some inside?"

We walked back in, got a box, sat back in the grass and waited for the Pest Control guy. He arrived a few minutes later with fucking Havahart traps (their spelling, not mine) and a long hook/pincher thing. It took a few tries, but by gingerly picking up the kittens with the pincher thing and lifting them up to the grate, he was able to place them in my hands so I could ease them through the grate.

They turned out to be smaller than I'd thought - little feet smaller than my smallest fingernail, and their eyes weren't even open. From torso to the base of their tail, they were about 4, maybe 5 inches. They mewed softly and found each other in the box and resumed huddling. Are they cold? I wondered. It's like 90 degrees out here!

"They can't be more than a few days old," said the Pest Control guy, perhaps rethinking his previous plan of murdering "disposing of" the kittens. "You'll need to get them to the shelter right away so someone can start feeding them."

I nodded and said goodbye to the MSG (and asked her to let the others in my office know where I was going) and got into my car. I plugged the shelter's address into my Garmin and drove off post, glancing into the box every couple seconds. The orphaned kittens - two gray and one orange - remained wedged into the corner of the box, their faces pressed into each other's fur. 

It occurred to me I should give the shelter a heads up that I was coming with three newborns, and it proved to be a good idea: they can't take wild animals unless they come from Animal Control (which Fort Dix does not have, evidently). The shelter gave me the number to the Animal Control for the closest country and I tried it: no answer, mailbox is full. Shit.

Called the shelter again to see what I should do now. She said the only other thing I could do was call the non-emergency number of the local police. Um, the DoD police on Fort Dix? Yeah, probably not. But I didn't know any other police stations to contact. I drove back onto Dix and parked in front of the DoD police station, carried the box in with me so the kittens wouldn't roast in my car.

The woman in the lobby (behind the bulletproof glass, that is) was surprised and very helpful, as were the police officers who came out to the main part of the lobby to peer into the box and coo at the kittens. They were able to get in touch with another county's Animal Control, who agreed to meet there at the DoD police station to pick up the kittens for transport to a shelter (probably the shelter I'd previously talked to, but oh well, I'm no stranger to slightly-ridiculous SOPs). I waited until they arrived so I could ensure the kittens wouldn't be destroyed (Animal Control promised me they wouldn't be unless they were rabid/whatever).

Drove back to work.

I know this picture is blurry, but I took it with my phone while I was driving to the DoD police station (pretty sure that's illegal or something). Anyway, here they are:

Also, and completely unrelated, I am pretty sure I broke one of my toes, possibly two. I walked around in pain all day.

"but now I'm dry of thoughts, wait for the rain

then it's replaced, sun setting..."

- Badly Drawn Boy "The Shining" -

dance a little stranger

A beautiful fucking day that reminds me why the universe is so perfect right.

At lunch we had a farewell luncheon for our outgoing battery commander... going to really miss the guy. Not only is he a great commander, he's personable, approachable, funny, engaging, and most importantly, he sincerely cares about the Soldiers of HHB. I've been lucky enough to work with him on a number of projects since I've been here (and run next to him with the guidon on a number of battery runs) and can say he's one of the best officers I've served with. I hate to see him go.

Left the teary luncheon (we're all going to miss him, and you can see it on his face he's going to miss us, too) and fucked off for the rest of the day with the LT CPT (did I tell you she got promoted?). We drove over to the Air Force side and went to the thrift store to see if there was anything cool for sale. There wasn't. Then we headed to the BX/PX and I bought a $17 candle.

Got back to the office, answered some emails, then wished each other a good weekend and peaced out.

And now the sun is slanting golden sideways through the open windows. A breeze off the lake is stirring the curtains and bringing in the gentle smell of forsythia. Two (wild) ducks are floating slowly by on the grey/blue surface of the water. I feel like my heart could explode from the overwhelming beauty of my life.

"put your arms around me, baby"

- Sugar Ray "Fly" -

I'm a sailor peg... and I lost my leg!

Best Easter ev-ar.

1. Whole family

2. (excuse to have the house immaculately clean)

3. Fucking delicious food

4. Beautiful new orchids

5. (threw away the awful smelling 'Chocolate Shit Suede' candles)

6. Help feeding (wild) geese

7. Super Nintendo with my sister

8. 'Chocolate Cake' shots with my mom

9. Adult Easter Egg Hut

10. Didn't have to drive 6 hours back home

I remember what I miss about Massachusetts

"I'm shipping off... to find my wooden leg!"

- Dropkick Murphys "I'm Shipping Up To Boston" -

can't wait for tomorrow; I might not have that long

The DVIDS training for the MPAD today was a success!! Ever since That Time, I'm fucking terrified for the first half hour of meeting a new unit - Will they be receptive to the training? Will they have a positive attitude? Will they actually learn anything? What if they immediately hate me?

I talked to Tea about that early this morning while we were waiting for them to arrive, and she assured me that That Time was just a freak occurrence and I needn't worry. And it turned out she was right. I showed them an overview video in the morning, followed by a little PowerPoint (not too much - I know it can be fatal in large doses), then some example videos of what not to do. They took a short lunch, then we took the dish outside and they took turns setting it up and breaking it down. As the big finale, we hooked up their camera to the system and called DVIDS to practice coming up on the satellite. All in all a success.

An update to yesterday: my guts are literally screaming to get out, and now I'm afraid to fart. Try not to think about that one too hard.

Oh!! I didn't tell you. So at the advice of Tree's father, we are going to have Easter down here in NJ so Tree and I don't have to split our holiday three ways like we always do. So far my parents, Tree's father and brother have confirmed, my sister and her BF are a 'probably' also confirmed, and Tree's mother and BF are a 'maybe'. I look forward to having our house full of people, my favorite people. :)

Tree and I are still working out what the menu will be, but I'll let you know. I've already resigned myself to the fact that we'll have to serve a meat dish, but I'm not pleased about it.

Well, that's enough rambling for today. Hope you haven't tuned out already. I'll try to be more interesting tomorrow.

"I'll tear my heart out

before I get out"

- Smashing Pumpkins "Today" -

now I'm bored and old

The most magical moment of my life:

Tree and I went to NYC for Valentine's Day to see Wicked (it was beyond fucking amazing) and wandered around the city for a few hours before the show. We stopped in Central Park and walked through the vastness, checking out (and mocking) statues. [If you've seen my MySpace photos, you've seen some of my work.]

So I was standing checking out a bust of Beethoven, trying to decide whether I should jump the fence surrounding him to get a photo mocking his stern expression (there were a lot of people at the park and I didn't want to get us kicked out) when a squirrel crept up to my left. As I watched with a held breath, he lept up on to the fence and tightroped over to me - and LICKED my fucking HAND. A wild forest animal. Licked. My hand. Itlikedmyhand! Like I was Snow fucking White or some shit! The Squirrel Whisperer? Yes? No?

Do you see? Magical! My heart nearly exploded! Smiley face!

[This is unrelated:]

And, in an ongoing love-hate hate-hate relationship with MySpace, they removed the links to this blog from my page, instead sending clickers to a screen warning them that this blog is (a) phishing for their credit card numbers or (b) spam, or both. I kind of take offense to this. Did someone from MySpace actually go and LOOK at this blog? Maybe they saw my post describing how much they suck and decided to take up arms against me. Ha... you underestimate me, dear naive social-networking site. Mark my words, MySpace fucks, you haven't seen the last of me.

By the way, they never did take down the ads calling me a giant fatass.

"I just want you to know that I

don't hate you anymore"

- Nirvana "Serve the Servants" -

when are you gonna come down? when are you going to land?

So all the planets aligned to create a pretty good weekend. Saturday Tree had to work during the day so I just puttered around the house - cleaned a bit, organized some things in the bedroom, baked cookies - until he got home.

It'd been, like, forever since we'd been out to eat in a real restaurant, so Saturday night we both got dressed up (peeptoes and my new chic blazer) and went to Jester's out in Bordentown. So nice! There was a jazz duo there, and while we had to sit a little closer to the music than I would have liked, it was very cosmopolitan and very classy. I ordered a Flip Flop to drink. It was delicious.

Today we spent the day working through the house - would you believe that there are STILL boxes we haven't touched since we moved in? But we cleared a number of them and readied another big box to be brought back to Mass for the Salvation Army. We also hung up a few pictures (Tree had been complaining how spartan the walls were) and played with the cats for a while. I managed to get two loads of laundry done, too.

And, today, this:

Yes, that is a person on a dirtbike, riding on the fucking LAKE. True, the temperature hovered just around freezing today, but yesterday it was in the 50s. Can you see in the picture how thin and transparent the ice is? And did I mention he's on a dirtbike? ON A LAKE??

Also, just made plans for Valentine's Day:

Those things cost more than I will admit here, but I've been wanting to go see Wicked for FOREVER - so how could I say no to the 4th fucking row?? I'm superfuckingexcited to go.

So that'll be Blue Man Group for Christmas, and now Wicked for Valentines Day. Perfect perfect perfect. 

:D

"I should have stayed on the farm

I should have listened to my old man"

- Elton John "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" -

and we could talk about forever for a day or two

oh fuck yes.

so ok, this has been an insanely crazy fucked up ride. these past three weeks have whipped by and i'm still out of breath from the race to keep up. i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. i'm crazy happy... and yet a part of me still gets defensive over that. i shouldn't have to justify my friggin happiness, you know? no one has to understand but me, and for a good part of it i don't. and that's ok. it matters not what i'm doing, or where i'm going, it's the people i'm spending time with that make the difference, and those people i wouldn't trade for the world. in such a short time i feel a lot more like family than i have in a long long time. and this time, it's all me, i'm not "Rico's girlfriend," just an accessory for his ego. these people hang out with me for me.. and that means more to me that you can imagine. i've done so much in the past few weeks that i wouldn't for anyone else... and i fucking love it. i can't friggin wait for halloween, no drama this time!

in fact, no more drama ever! Tree makes me feel so incredibly happy, the things that he does for me and the way he looks at me and what he says to me. i've never met anyone so willing to give so much of themselves to someone they don't even really know. he's just plain amazing... don't know what else to say. don't know what the future holds. but i'm happy with the way things are and are going... ;)

Nibbey ; you are the bestest friend i could ever hope for, and i'm so happy that everything is ok with us again. and to think, you started off as a friend of a friend... now you're the closest friend i have. i wouldn't have wanted to have miscarriages and bloody socks with anyone but you (haha). thanks again for everything, for still being there when i need to vent and for always offering a shoulder to cry on. i laugh so much with you it makes me want to puke. it might not sound like it, but that's a good thing. :)

and i still miss CF, i really, really do. i can't listen to country songs without thinking of him, and i had to take all the pictures down and put all his clothes away. i drove around for a couple days with a picture of the two of us on my dashboard, but now it just makes me too sad.

"so before you go and turn me on

be sure that you can turn me loose"

- Dierks Bentley "Lot of Leaving Left to Do" -

close your eyes and I'll kiss you

wow... so...

and happy 4th.

...

this will be dull. i will not apologize. i am tired and i have to work in the morning.

so yesterday was one of the greatest in a long time... got to be a little redneck for the day (but now my poor shoulders and face are red!), saw an asshole c-list country singer perform a couple songs... but really it was the people that made it fun. went to Indian Ranch for the first time... man oh man. and some zany guy tried to teach us how to line dance. K-Dawg, Amanda-Pants, Sassafras and i had so much fucking fun... and i didn't even know any of the guy's songs. stuck around and then the pissed off American Idol wannabe signed my wife beater... left them and ended up at a bowling alley with CF. bowled three games ($35 friggin dollars later...) and went back to his house. i'd been nursing a headache all day, but almost as soon as we were in his room, i was just blindsided by it. my head hurt so bad i couldn't see. ended up staying at his house (there was no way i could drive like that), left this morning for new bedford. did some shit, drove back to whitinsville, chilled with CF and cleaned some more of the uxbridge apartment, my cell phone died. now i'm back in new bedford, tired as fuck, and i'm going to sleep now. maybe tomorrow i'll tell you all the things that were said today.

and i got a (real) kiss goodnight.

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Scar Tissue" -

the streets were wet and the gate was locked so I jumped it, and I let you in

what a strange weekend...

i was almost sleeping and he rolled over and touched my army and asked me if i got my phone calls. i asked him what he was talking about, what phone calls, and he told me he thought they were on lines one and two. we were at NC's house. later that night, i'm told, i asked him to go get my some cheese. i don't remember wanting cheese.

he told me he didn't want to fight with me and that december is further away than i'd thought. i think i stopped breathing. i wanted to cry. i didn't say anything, just rolled over so my back was to him and tried to breathe again. he moved over so he was against me and tucked his arm under mine and kissed the back of my neck. i fell asleep.

i asked him about it yesterday and he said he only meant that he wanted to make the best relationship better rather than good. it came out awkward, but i knew what he meant. it was sweet. i told him i loved him and hung up and went to bed.

- Dashboard Confessional "Hands Down" -

finger tips have memories, mine can't forget the curves of your body

he didn't try to hide my tattoo.

Rico always placed his hand on my stomach and covered the tattoo with his forearm so he didn't have to see it. he used to tell me it was distracting, but he treated it as if it were temporary, like only paint on my skin. i guess he thought that if he showed enough distain it would go away.

but HIS mouth didn't avoid it, nor did it avoid my scars. i think he was trying to make me understand that they don't matter to him. it was a strange feeling. just skin cells, inked or scarred or whatever. and it made no difference to him. i wasn't being judged.

(sigh)

he kisses me with eyes open... i find it both arousing and intimidating. i feel like he can see INTO me... it makes me a little uncomfortable to be so open and vulnerable. but it was new, and kind of sensual... i could get used to it. it made me feel much closer to him, even though physically we couldn't have been any closer. does that make sense? the english language fails me once again.

we fell asleep together, even though it was half by accident, at least for me. waking up, i was extremely disoriented, but seeing him there comforted me. i trust him and i don't understand why. it's not that he's ever done anything to make me doubt him, it just takes a LOT for me to trust anyone. but trusting him is easy. and wanting to better myself for him is easy.

he's slowly re-writing my brain chemistry...

it was the most *right* i've felt in a long time.

...

in other news, i'm all done packing...

- Harvey Danger "Flagpole Sitta" -

I'm just a sucker with no self esteem

so there's this person... and... he makes you smile. more than that, though, you laugh so much it hurts your head. you've always been completely comfortable in your depression, but all of the sudden, it's not so appealing. smiling is kind of nice.

he likes spending time with you, which might not seem so remarkable, except you don't think very much of yourself. and because he's so amazing. and you sing in the (public) shower before you leave for the day to see him. and you are so NOT delusional.

you go a whole weekend without turning into a grade-A bitch from nicotine withdrawals... cigarettes just weren't that important. and you only really complained because you felt you had to. because it make you feel better about voluntarily giving them up... because you don't normally do anything for anybody. not because you are selfish, but too many people have tried to change you, and you're tired of being squished into one mold after another. but this is different, this is voluntary. you - gasp! - don't mind changing a little, especially when there's a logical reason to change. and because, for the first time ever, someone cares whether you change or not. it's a new feeling for you.

and you don't want to fight with him, and he's so damn smart. you can have intelligent conversations ad not have to dumb everything down for him to understand. that sounds kind of conceited, but maybe it's more of a reflection of the guys you've been involved with.

ok, so you've made a lot of bad choices in your life. that being sad, how is THIS not an equally bad choice? you could be ruining someone's life. of you two opinions of this, how can you follow the selfish half and disregard the moral half?

but "you," of course, i mean me.

and he's cute. and he smells good. and he's a good kisser.

if only it were so easy to just follow your heart. but murphy's law, right? whatever can go wrong, will go wrong? that's kind of a stretch... what i mean to say is i fucking love how this situation can be so wonderful and so horrible at the same time. the duality frustrates me... "frustrates" is putting it mildly. i want to run away screaming, or break something, or make someone hurt the way i do. and there i go feeling selfish again. it's good to be home.

i'm afraid i'm going to lose someone who actually matters to me.

- The Offspring "Self Esteem" -