holding the lion's share

Oh wow a busy couple of days. This calls for an update!

- Made an appointment for Tuesday to speak to the peeps at the education office (walk ins, while supposedly accepted, are apparently discouraged)

- Via Tree, spoke with our property manager and found that the owners are indeed still interested in selling; set up a meeting with the property manager for Monday (my gentle and patient Tree will handle this as well... my only contact with her is to scream at/threaten her when something is wrong with the house - Good Cop/Bad Cop seems to be the only way to get her to do things)

- Bought some new fancies for the house and prettied it up during our day off together yesterday (this never happens); worked on the yard a little and made more plans for Easter

- Christened the drum set for Guitar Hero (should have just bought the whole package at once) and scolded the cats for chewing the foot pedal cord in half the day after we bought it. Tree managed to Frankenstein the wires so that it works again but it looks pretty sketchy. Luckily we're getting a free pedal for pre-ordering GH: Metallica, otherwise... I don't know. Otherwise I'd just sulk, I guess.

Something else really fucking bizarre happened to me today, but I'm not ready to post about it - I just don't know how I feel about the whole thing. It's not anything bad, so please don't worry... it's just - weird. I'm going to take a day or so to mull over it and then I'll see what you guys think. :/

---

Also, Googling ex-boyfriends is HILARIOUS.

"I served in the Marine Corps as an Intelligence Specialist ..." Really? Is that what they're calling Air Support Operations Operator now? Cause I'm pretty sure that's what it was called when you were doing it. Before they kicked you out.

I hope LinkedIn allows page owners to see who links to their page (guffaw) !

"no, you can't bring it down cause I'm - "

- Metallica "Better Than You" -

I'm so much closer than I have ever known... wake up

missed my photography class this morning... ugh. oh well. stopped at dunkin donuts on the way and then k-mart and then did some laundry and took a shower. got my tube of haiku lotion that i haven't used in forever and moisturized my legs and felt better.

i'm not wearing a bra right now.

i dunno.

i was kind of thinking about a lot of shit on the ride up here and i've decided a few things need to happen before i can really be ok. we were talking in my car last night and i told him that while i've gotten over Rico, i haven't gotten over...

"what he did," CF said, finishing the sentence i couldn't.

and yeah, he was right. i realized it was exactly the feeling i've been struggling with but have been unable to pinpoint. Rico really hurt me and i haven't healed from it. it doesn't matter that there aren't any emotional attachments to him anymore, i'm still stuck on that FEELING, that vacuum that was created in my heart when everything was revealed. i don't think i've devoted enough time (or really, any at all) to healing it.

i'd love to share the rest with you, i really would, but suddenly i've been grasped by the urge to vomit, like literally. i don't know what's wrong with me. i almost never get sick... actually, i guess i'm sort of due, then. anyways, if you need me, i'll be in the bathroom. i'll try to come on later tonight and finish this.

blech...

- Green Day "Waiting" -

a solar system that fits in your eye

spent all morning trying not to think about the sex... and don't even ask because i'm not going to tell you. just know that it was terrible, although i wouldn't admit it to myself at the time (sigh) how do i always get myself into these messes?

in other news, searched for and found tickets to THAT PLACE. you know where it is. i told you i was going. so that'll be a week... now i've just got to find a way to use up the rest of my summer. i can't stay here. i'm suffocating, really. and everywhere i go i'm reminded of him. i don't want to see this sad little town anymore, i don't want to wake up in my little claustrophobic room every morning, i don't want to base my existence around shaw's, i want to be able to go to a mall without seeing half of my graduating class and having to explain to them why i'm not in college yet. if i stay here any longer i'm sure i'll implode. people who graduate from douglas go to college for a year and then drop out, then spend the rest of their lives working for the douglas highway department, or at the ice cream store at Roland's, or at the waterslides. i don't want to be a townie. i want to be someplace where no one knows my name. i want to be ANONYMOUS, a shadow, unnoticed. i want to fade into the background. i want friends, of course, but i want to build my own world. that does no include having my breakups make the front page of the local paper. i want a snug little place where i can retreat and relax, and be happy.

and if i have to travel the country, the world, in order to find it? well i'm ok with that. i shouldn't have to sacrifice my happiness for convenience anymore.

he said i'm going places. i believe him.

...

have to go switch some money around at the bank and then those tickets are MINE!!!

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Parallel Universe" -

like indecision to call you... and hear your voice of treason

ah yes, NOW i remember what a keyboard looks like.

(waves away dust cloud)

hope this thing still works...

so friday night SloB came back to massachusetts. he's stationed at Fort Drum in NY, but he lived here before he enlisted, and now that he's home from his year in afghanistan, he took leave and drove down here to see his family and friends.

let me interrupt to put out there that i HATE this man, and the only reason his worthless existence even enters my thoughts is because he's friends with Rico and BB for one, and two, he's married to one of my semi-friends from highschool, who is actually closer friends with K-Dawg. so i sort of have to accept the fact that he's alive.

so. friday night and i was at the apartment with Rico and BB and BB's latest weekend girlfriend, and SloB was supposed to be coming over later. i drank a few and fell asleep kind of early, maybe around midnight or so. i had to work saturday morning, so i didn't want to be too hung over / still trashed on my ride to work.

around 3 in the morning i am woken by loud obnoxious drunken yelling from the tv room. Rico sleeps through almost anything, so i punched him until he woke up and told him rather rudely to go see what the fuck was going on. so he got up, opened his door, and yelled down the hallway, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The Noisy Bitch, who was making all the ruckus, proceeded to yell back, "FUCK YOU, DUDE! IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT!" so then he yells back "FUCK YOU IT'S MY GODDAMN HOUSE! BE QUIET OR GET THE FUCK OUT!"

there was continued yelling back and forth between them after that until SloB intercepted. he stood in the doorway to the room we were in and tried to defuse the situation, promising to keep her quiet.

i found out from BB the next night that SloB's idea of keeping The Noisy Bitch quiet was by fucking her in BB's room. niiiiiice.

...

and by the way, i was contacted again two days ago by my Restricted Caller, previously mentioned a few entries ago. except she was posing to be someone else... the (instant message) conversation is as follows:

his sn: HEY

me: omg, hi

his sn: WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

me: not much, you?

his sn: ___ IS PISSED AT ME

me: i coulda told you that after she fucking called me

his sn: i know

his sn: what do you think i should do?

me: about?

his sn: ___

[by this point i had realized that this was not the person they were claiming to be, due to typing style - all caps, then all lowercase - and the obvious lack of... i dunno... personal touch? this is not how you start off a conversation with someone you supposedly care about and haven't spoke to in two months without letting them know why.]

me: prove this is you

his sn: you go by elocin

me: more than that

his sn: like what?

his sn: look if you are going to give me a hard time also, i don't want to talk to you

me: i'm not

me: i just want to be sure you're you

his sn: just forget it

me: no

his sn: whatever

me: what diable2 character do i play with?

me: diablo2*

[long pause, no response]

me: nice try, whomever you are

[another pause, and then:]

his sn: how about the ring? prove anything...?

me: um, nope

me: look, i already told you i'd go away, i haven't called, haven't done anything. so there's no reason to harass me

me: and he ended up with the ring by accident, i sent an email with my address asking for it back, i don't know what else you want from me.

[pause]

his sn signed off at 4:39:00 PM.

the mean side of me thinks i should have played along a little, or maybe told her all the things he's told me and what he's said about her. and maybe i won't have to wear this scarlet fucking A on my chest alone, because damn fucking straight i'm not the only person in the *wrong* here. and i'm sick of carrying the repercussions of our actions by myself.

how's that for a "growling puppy"???

...

ha! my dad just asked me about the scratches on my car, the ones from backing into the plow...

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -

so bring on the rain

...got most of my shit out of Rico's house this morning... all that's left there is my graduation gown and two pairs of shoes. i was too tired from the fight to climb back up the stairs to get them. i'll save THAT argument for another day.

i see now that it was stupid to even think some sort of a friendship could be salvaged from the hell we put each other through. he admitted to me the other day he'd liked L all along... that is, after i found a note to him from her confessing her undying love for him and asking him why he wasn't "trying." the noted ended with her concluding he could never be there for her emotionally, only "physically." tell me what that sounds like??

but you know what? i don't even care. and i'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt. it makes no difference whether they did anything or not. because i've grown pretty much indifferent to any new shit he throws my way, and i think that even if i found a tape of the two of them fucking, i would just laugh. they are both worthless human beings and they deserve each other.

so yes, stupid to imagine a friendship with him. a lot of things i've done have been stupid... and although everyone loves to tell me what's right for me (and don't get me wrong, i DO appreciate the support), the only way i'm really going to learn is by making mistakes and moving on. falling on my ass and getting back up.

i have to go to work.

(sigh)

my VIP... do you still love me?

- Jo Dee Messina "Bring On the Rain" -

hey, so glad you could make it

worst morning EVER! i would rant but i haven't the time nor the energy. i have to get to work for 5 so i can't stay long... just wanted to type down the thoughts that have been suffocating me all day.

talked to my Knight for a bit yesterday afternoon... it'll be nice to see him this weekend. i'm more appreciative of his willingness to listen to me bitch than he knows (misplaced modifier??). hmm... but what are we going to do tomorrow night? suggestions, anyone??

yeah, so, left HIS house this morning in tears, AGAIN... STUPID, STUPID! i keep telling myself, it's $3,000, but i'm starting to care less and less. maybe i should give up and just cut my losses now...? went home, changed quick, blow dried my hair, and left. the potential job inquiry went surprisingly smooth... now i'm left with the decision to switch jobs or not. as usual, still haven't finalized my master plan yet, but stay tuned...

drove from there to see K-Dawg... had "senior year: retrospective" over eggs and bacon at IHOP. it was a good time. talked about the people we've seen since we graduated, about the people we haven't seen, about the people we wish we've seen. i love hanging out with her because we don't always have to talk about the major problems plaguing us... it's nice to forget about them for awhile and get back into good old fashioned high school gossip. i'd been feeling pretty unloved until i got to her house, but she made me feel better, and the two of us laughed at how much of an idiot Rico is. see? nothing to stress about. i just keep losing my head. i need to calm down. anyways, i enjoyed reliving senior year with her, but thinking about it made me a little sad... life seemed so much simpler a year ago. i was gonna go away for training after i graduated, come back, get a good job, move in with Rico, get married, have a kid, and live "happily ever after."

no, actually, i probably would have KILLED myself if my life had worked out that way. thank you, my VIP, for opening my eyes, and for making me realize i DON'T have to be unhappy for the rest of my life. maybe there ARE people out there who can love me and care for me and treat me the way i should be treated. i need to find him... but i've already found the one i REALLY want...

NO! YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED? A FUCKING PHONE CALL OR EVEN A STUPID EMAIL LETTING ME KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! NOT SOME MYSTERIOUS COMMENT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AFTER ALMOST 4 WEEKS OF NOTHING! IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR TO LEAVE ME HANGING OUT HERE, NOT EVEN KNOWING WHAT I'M HANGING ON TO, IF ANYTHING AT ALL! I WANT SOME FUCKING GUIDANCE, SOME CLOSURE, SOME ANSWERS, WHATEVER! I CAN'T JUST FADE AWAY INTO THE BACKGROUND AND PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED BECAUSE I'M FUCKING GLAD IT DID AND I DON'T WANT TO LOSE WHAT I REALIZED I HAD IN YOU!

what's it like watching a train wreck as it happens?

FUCKING CALL ME!

"oh look at my face

my name is might have been

my name is never was

my name's forgotten"

- Hole "Celebrity Skin" -

and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters and no pearls

you know i haven't even fully unpacked since coming home from maryland? subconsciously, i think, i'm contemplating NEVER unpacking, and just stuffing the boxes into my car and driving away into the sunset. like a damn cowboy or something. beautiful.

i have to get out of this place before i end up institutionalized. this can't be healthy. i want to claw my way out of my skin and attack someone and eat their brains and take over their body. sort of like the bug-thing from Men in Black.

and even if there isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that very well might exist only in my mind... it's not like i've never fallen on my face before.

hmmm...

on one side of the scale, i've got the unknown, the ethereal rainbow.

on the other side of the scale, i see every day of my life, each day exactly the same. fighting and working (slaving) and taking care of a 21 year old infant. cleaning up after him and waiting on his every need. alcohol-fueled wars raged over the most insignificant incidents. constant poverty due to his frivolity. depression. suicide.

(sigh) what am i WAITING for??

...how long has it been now? 22 days and counting...

"if you think you might come to california...

i think you should"

- Counting Crows "A Long December" -

it's fun to lose and to pretend

...dusting off the keyboard...

haven't written in so long because, frankly, i've been too angry to say much of anything to anyone, much less type on a fucking computer to a faceless audience. and sometimes i feel like i'm only typing to myself. like i'm on a fucking island or something.

anyways.

friday, in Rico's car, on the way to get alcohol for like the 4th time last week... in the middle of a huge fight already because i wasn't going to be drinking with him that night, and my cell rings. restricted. and i NEVER answer restricted calls. Nibbey is the only friend of mine whose number comes up that way, and she knows to dial *87 before calling me so her number shows up and i'll answer. so why did i think it would be a good idea to answer THIS call? maybe i wasn't thinking at all. maybe i just needed a break from the fight. but still, I NEVER ANSWER RESTRICTED CALLS. but i did anyways.

let me back up.

it was three days and NOTHING... and THEN this call. from a person i'd never seen nor spoken to. of course i lied my ass off, but my initial plan of action in the split second i had after the caller identified themself was to spill everything and leave VIP to clean up the mess. i was SOOOO angry that he could just hide like that... and HURT. i wanted to VOMIT, to puke up the angry mixture of emotions in my stomach. and i was in the car with RICO of all people, who was turning purple from trying not keep from screaming at me while i was on the phone (he was kind enough to wait until after i hung the phone up, and my tears didn't slow the fury any). deciding to cover for him as best i could, i tried to defuse the situation and appease my Restricted Caller by agreeing to disappear.

my brain was leaking as i hung up the phone. my shirt was sticky and red from the massive chest wound, and pure venom dripped off my tongue and down my chin. Rico's hatred fell on deaf ears. later in the evening i liquified the rest of my organs. woke up still drunk the next morning and went to work for 9.

and after the blood... STILL NOTHING.

- Nirvana "Smells Like Teen Spirit" -

because she only wants the wrong way

i somewhat made peace with myself today. and how did i do that? funny you should ask...

Rico's apartment building only provides parking for tenants, so everyone that came to the party last night had to park at the convenience store down the road, or at the church, which is right across the street. lazy me picked the church parking lot. so then this morning, standing on the porch smoking a butt, i happened to look over at my little car and saw what looked like a flyer on the windshield. let me remind you that today is sunday. curious, i finished my cigarette and walked over to see what it was.

it seems that the church people didn't like the fact that my car was parked in their parking lot while there were having service this find sunday morning. so some stupid bastard stuck a HUGE ASS florescent ORANGE sticker right in the MIDDLE of the windshield, bearing the words:

VIOLATION! This car is parked illegally and is therefore subject to fines and/or towing. Your license plate has been recorded.

ok. that's fine. except there are NO signs prohibiting parking in the GIGANTIC parking lot. i know because i checked. and this sticker took up a good portion of my windshield and could be seen from the street. i'm lucky my car didn't get fucking towed. and so are the church people, because then they would have a window or two to replace.

pissed off? just a little. and i wasn't in the most pleasant of moods to begin with. i didn't eat hardly anything yesterday and then drank on an empty stomach so i was feeling a little woozy, had a really shitty night altogether, woke up sore from sleeping on a hardwood floor, and had a vague recollection of a drunken telephone conversation with someone i was hurting. i'd been trying to figure out what to say to him and my head hurt. now i had to get a razor and scrape the fucking thing off so i could drive my car.

so i'm standing in the parking lot scraping away and everyone going into the church is looking at me (stupid me parked right near the door) and my head is throbbing and i feel like shit and i just want to scream, "WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE!" at the church people and put a fucking brick through one of their windows and then suddenly...

i didn't give a shit. because it could have been a lot worse. the sticker, while ugly and ANNOYING, was put there by the church people, not the police, and it was only a warning. there wasn't a parking citation on my windshield, and apparently there could have been. i guess. even with no signs. or a cop could have driven by and seen the sticker and had my car towed. but all i had to do was scrape the thing off and park somewhere else, that's all. it could have been a lot worse.

and that's my POINT. my whole LIFE could be a lot worse. what does complaining change? absolutely nothing. happiness is a CHOICE. and the only way to achieve happiness is to grab the bull by the balls and take it. i WANT to be happy. and if that means doing something that everyone else thinks is crazy then so be it. i am only one person, i cannot please everybody. but i've spent so long trying to do that i forgot about myself. i don't want to follow the rules anymore.

ok. chew on this: so i'm driving along this straightaway (metaphorically speaking) and at the end i see a stop sign. it's late, i can see there's no one else on the road with me, so i speed up. i'm almost to the stop sign, it's right in front of me. no one at the intersection.

what do i do? do i stop because it's the *right* thing to do? whose right? maybe it's my wrong. maybe i think that the stop sign should be a yield. maybe i don't believe in stop signs at all.

so i fucking run it.

(sigh) i have a feeling that i'm the only person who will understand that analogy. comparing running a stop sign to the direction my life is taking...? and if ONE fucking person makes note of the legality issue in both situations... I SO DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!! i'm an adult, DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!

...on a darker note...

drinking last night was horrible. i guess that's what happens... i was drinking way too quickly, one after another. there were ghosts in my bottle, and tears of a man shed over me. i drank and drank and then chased it all down with some tears of my own.

i hated myself... doing a lot of that lately... and still missing him...

- Sublime "Wrong Way" -

and I swear, you're just like a pill

i should be the fucking photo editor. and i'm so pissed about it, i'm not going to say anything else school-related or else i might put my foot through the monitor.

5 fucking voicemails from Rico while i was at school, and after formation when he called and i ignored his calls, he left another two. it's just great how i used to have to almost bribe him to send me a single text message during the day... and how now that i'm gone he's turned all soft and gentle and "caring." and clingy... SPINELESS! he's a fucking WORM, a PARASITE, all he cares about is what HE CAN GAIN for being with me. he doesn't care about ANYONE except HIMSELF. he's a fucking CHILD, he wants everything handed to him, requiring him to put forth as little effort as possible. how could i be so fucking STUPID?

have to go upstairs... (sigh)

- Pink "Just Like a Pill" -

that's the sound of a bottle when it's hollow

today's lesson: familiarity (is this a word?) isn't always a pleasant feeling.

they were talking about going to baltimore this weekend, our last weekend, and getting smashed together before we all leave. the whole conversation made me kind of sad. he asked me why alcohol must be present to make a significant occasion; i.e. leaving for basic training, new year's eve, valentine's day... it's funny how my "logical" line of thinking was to celebrate graduation with some liquor. but that was my life, that's how i did things. someone's birthday? the liquor store closes at 11. anniversary? let's get so trashed we don't remember anything we did. graduation? i'll call a buyer. boxing day? flag day? kwanzaa? friendship day? day of the week ending in y? bring on the booze.

maybe it's a good thing i'm not 21. less of a temptation, right?

ok now, let's be honest. being underage never stopped me before. and if i really wanted to drink this weekend, being underage wouldn't stop me now. (sigh) i am so annoying. being under 21 has nothing to do with anything. i'm just making excuses to cover the fact that i'm doing something i'm not completely comfortable with.

you know, my conversation with Rico last night was really tragic. we were talking about me going back to massachusetts (this was before i explained my *complete* plan) and he mentioned going and buying all the celebratory alcohol ahead of time. i told him i wasn't so sure about it and to not go ahead and do that, and he lectured me for about 20 minutes for not being interesting. he said that one of the things that had initially attracted him to me, and one of the things he loves about me is how "wild" i am. and how i am "willing to take risks." he basically said that if i cut drinking out of my life, i wouldn't be a good time anymore. i try to make a responsible decision and Rico tells me i won't be entertaining and that it's a bad idea.

he went on to say that i wasn't talking like myself, that it wasn't really me saying all that. (sigh) i'm too tired to rant about how much that proves he's an asshole... i think it's pretty much common knowledge now. wonder why it was always so easy for everyone else to see but it took me 2 1/2 years to begin to realize it.

so then i told him what i plan for graduation and the days following... and he told me he can't talk to me anymore, ever. he told me it would hurt more than he could deal with. we argued until 11, then i hung up on him and shut my phone off and went to bed. this morning there were 6 messages in my voicemail from him.

(shrugs) ...so now what? (blinks)

incidentally, my "comfort cocktail" (emode.com) is a southern sparkler, which consists of 1 1/2 oz of SoCo, 1 oz of grapefruit juice, 1 oz of pineapple juice, and some club soda.

ick.

there. i'm done. happy now, my VIP?

- Eminem "Drug Ballad" -

drifting and floating and fading away

hmmm... where to start...

friday was frustrating because the plans i had made were cancelled on me at the last minute. thanks Squire. in my annoyance, i called Rico and asked him to come se me. that's kinda shitty, i know... but sometimes things happen for a reason, i think. cliche, i know. my mind is feeling rather lazy tonight, and i have nothing better to offer. IRREGARDLESS, Rico took the time off from work and agreed to come visit. thus began one of the greatest weekends of my life.

Rico got to maryland at about noon on saturday. we drove around aimlessly until 3, when we could check into the hotel. it was amazing, though, because most of our relationship has been spent apart... his (marine corps) basic training, then MCT, then MOS training in california... he was gone for 9 months straight. a year together, then i left for basic in august... and other than exodus and this past weekend, i haven't seen him since this summer. every time we saw each other after time apart, it was always awkward, like we had to get to know each other again. not this time. his lips felt the same on mine, the smell of his clothes was familiar, and falling asleep in his arms was effortless. i loved every second of it.

we spent a lot of the time on the balcony of the hotel room just talking and looking at the sky. there was the most amazing sunset saturday night... i don't always like to admit it, but there's a few ounces of romance to be found in my blood stream. anyways, we DID NOT argue, and it was fucking wonderful. i don't even know how to describe how it made me feel... untouchable... weightless... happy. this was SOOO good for my soul, i can't even begin to explain it. i needed him. i'm going to marry this man.

forgive me for *another* cliche, but as this chapter opens, another respective chapter comes to a close. the Squire and i are so done... i just lack the ability and the words with which to tell him. we were just fooling each other; it was doomed from the start. i'm just sorry that we let it get so far that now it's going to be hard to say goodbye. but i love Rico, i can't do this to him. infidelity is such an ugly thing, i won't put him through it.

courage, anyone??

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Porcelain" -

one baby to another said I'm lucky to've met you

didn't get to finish all i had to say yesterday, so i decided to delete what little i had a start over today. i have design and layout classes all day instead of photojournalism, so i ought to have more time at the computers to write today...

so Rico. my feelings for him are so complicated they don't even make sense to me. and they certainly cannot be summed up in a single word - *love*. i don't like that word, anyways. it is thrown around far too carelessly these days, and people use it  as a tool to manipulate. and it seems more important to buy someone a card and some chocolate rather than develop a healthy, functioning relationship with them. trade chocolate for communication? money for feelings. growing cynical? i think i might be...

back to Rico. i don't like the word *love*, but i guess i don't have a better word to describe it. he is my universe. he makes me feel little and soft, and SAFE. like a girl again. i can talk to him without fear of judgement. i've never felt this way about anyone else. i would trust him with my LIFE. it's so much more than the childish, make-believe relationships i've had in the past, in which being *in love* was more important to me than who the person was. disgusting! but with Rico it's so much different. he is my heart in human form.

but as with all things in life, this is not a perfect situation, although i really wish it could be. we've both changed a lot, and done things to profoundly hurt each other: i had the Squire, he had LH. the fact that the playing field is level doesn't make it any less painful; in face, i think it makes it worse. how could we both be so evil? we promised never to stray. we promised to stay together through everything, no matter what. ugh. two frightened kids clinging together... but it worked! at least for a time. neither of us had anywhere else to go, and while i can't completely speak for Rico, i know that since i've never had a similar relationship, it was that much harder to let go of. nothing is perfect. the honeymoon was over and we got tired of each other. we alternated between the extremes: passion and fury. something had to give. and it did. and that kills me.

(sigh)

Rico and i have always had a way of clawing our way out of the ashes and recovering. we have been doing much, much better lately...

ugh. more to follow.

- Nirvana "Drain You" -

sunday, bloody sunday

well. i don't know what to say even to myself to sort this all out and make it "reasonably" understandable to the rational adult.

adult? that would require taking responsibility for one's actions, wouldn't it? ugh. i'm so disgusted with myself. how could i have let it get this bad? how is ti that i can build my world up out of lies and still sleep at night? i've become that person i swore i could never be. i'm taken by the urge to tear out my hair and collapse into tears. but would that solve anything? or would it just give me TEMPORARY SATISFACTION, like every single fucking decision i've made lately?

i need to stop going back in time and look to the future instead. how can you right the wrongs done so long ago? why is it that every time i get hurt i feel the need to strike back, or avenge my broken heart, and punish those who hurt me? even after the mess has been solved... what am i doing to myself? what am i doing to Rico? of all the people i could hurt... why him? i do love him so much, and i've done so much to push him away and break his trust and kill his feelings that it's a wonder he still talks to me at all. i hate myself for what i've done to him.

and what of the Squire? IS IT just convenience? what will happen once i leave maryland and go back to massachusetts? what life am i returning to? and what, exactly, am i leaving behind? so frustrating how he can retreat into his shell and shut me out. it's almost shocking how alike the Squire and i are... both so good at fooling people. but two people constantly hiding and spinning alternate lives are no good for each other. we read each other too well. he's pure evil. i've never met anyone who could see right through me.

but that's not to say the feeling isn't mutual. yea, i know he never left alicia, that he still talks to her and whispers that he loves her and that everything will be ok. but am i angry? no, not really. when you don't set your expectations high, it's hard to be disappointed.

i've had enough of this. i want to be a good person, i'm tired of the deception. and i'm tired of sitting pondering how i became this way because it's no better than not doing anything at all. i've become so lazy. i'm through with this life.

so another evolution... i suppose this must be number five or six for me. strip off the skin, all the evilness, and lie naked and exposed until i can develop into a normal person with functional feelings and a functional heart. i don't want to hate myself anymore. i guess the fact that i recognized this inner ugliness should be some source of hope for me. i guess my heart isn't as frozen over as i'd thought...