23 March 2009

indeed a fool am I

So - 

Recently I've begun to admit to myself that I can't keep riding along with no college degree. It's embarrassing, but here I am, 23 with nothing to show, really. And it's sad, fucking pathetic actually, because I know I have the mental capacity to do it, I just can't seem to do it, do you know what I mean? I do a little research and find a college and program I'm interested in, anxiety mounting, and then when it gets down to it, I freeze up. I have an intense, real, not-even-exaggerating phobia of paperwork. This is not an excuse for anything, it's just a fact. 

And I know it's something I have to do in order to progress any farther, but... ?

Do you want to know why I don't have a Facebook account? The truth is, I did create one. I briefly personalized my account before searching for people I know - and then realized that if people searched for me, I'd have nothing listed below my name but my location. What a subtle way to announce to everyone that I'm an alumni of the University of Nothing. I promptly took down my account.

And though I read a lot - A LOT - and yes, it's good for my vocabulary, and yes, it's enriching and all that - but I still feel wholly inarticulate as much as I do embarrassed. I've tried not once, but twice to obtain a college degree, both times ending in spectacular failure due mostly to my laziness and inability to prioritize.

Sometimes I can't even TALK to people, you know? It frustrates me to not be able to debate, to compete. Would four years of higher education make a difference in that? Who the fuck knows. Maybe I'll learn how to fake it better.

In any case, I spent much of today researching - and my stomach feels like shit and I need a fucking cigarette. I'm not lying. I hate this process. Anyway, I made an account on GoArmyEd and poked around and found a few things. I've already determined that whatever program I end up in MUST BE offered entirely online. Can't and won't do the whole "traditional college experience" again.

So here are a few programs I found (in no order):

Thomas Edison State College, BA in Journalism or BA in Communication

These two degrees are Army Career Degrees, which will take into account and credit my time as a 46Q and apply that toward a degree, based on rank and related courses I've completed. It seems I'd be much better off if I were already an E6 and had completed both phases of BNCOC, but I can't worry about that now. There is a representative from Thomas Edison on McGuire, but I will have to call him TOMORROW to find out where the actual building is so I can go talk to him. 

American Military University, BA in Marketing or BA in Middle Eastern Studies

These two I will talk to the counselors at the Education Office about. AMU doesn't offer a BA (or BS) in Communications, but Marketing would be ok, too. And I'd love to go with Middle Eastern Studies, but realistically, where would that get me? Have to ask the counselor.

Burlington County College, AS in Liberal Arts/Science

Kind of a fall back, I guess, being that its a two year program. BCC is right up the road from Dix so it'd be convenient, although the program is offered entirely online, so it doesn't really matter that it's close. Something else to talk to the counselor about.

I have to will go talk to the folks in the Education Office on Dix this week on Thursday to make sure I'm doing everything the right way.

Until Thursday and until I formally begin this next chapter of my life, I continue to gather knowledge haphazardly and accidently. Today I read two more short stories by John Cheever from the aptly titled, The Stories of John Cheever, read about gonzo journalism and Hunter S. Thompson, watched the most recent episode of The Office online, and learned what a straw man argument is.

All in all, a busy day.

"and I journey through the desert of the mind
with no hope
I follow"

- Queens of the Stone Age "No One Knows" -


Midnight Angel said...

OK I'll be honest & say that this post more than a little disturbed me. I mean, I know you're not talking about anyone specifically, but statements like why you took your facebook page down...wanna know what MY facebook info says?

"Relationship Status: Single
Birthday: June 27, 1965".

That's it. Kinda makes me wonder how or what you really think of me; at 43 with no college, no great achievements to speak of and nothing on my Facebook page, if you feel this way about yourself.

As for college, well, in my not so humble opinion I believe someone can be an educated, well read/well versed/well rounded person without it. There are far too many college grads who have and will do nothing with those very pricey pieces of paper. I think you are a very intelligent, well spoken, insightful, honest young woman, and if it's something that you absolutely feel you MUST do to, then by all means - but if it's something you feel you HAVE to do in order to be a whole, complete person...then you're doing it for the wrong reason.

Meg said...

I feel your pain really. I should be a senior/graduated but in reality I am about a sophmore/junior. I cant blame Iraq all that much either because I am a lazy bum. It has been really long since we chatted maybe we should make the leap off of blog comments.

Yep still working in the public affairs office. Its going pretty well.

Malibu Niki said...


I promise, I wasn't speaking of anyone in particular, and I honestly never meant for you to be offended by anything I said. You are an amazing, intelligent, witty, hilarious person who is blessed with a great son and an apartment with personality. I've just been frustrated with myself lately, because I never imagined myself in this position: stuck.

I'm really, really scared of what will happen to me once I fall off orders. I put in for a year extension, but then what? Go back to the GS06 that pays less than half what I'm making now? That sounds shitty but whatever, I don't want to go back to it.

It's not so much that I don't feel whole, I just feel embarrassed (compared to friends my age) and worried (that I'll never do better w/o that stupid piece of paper). I just expected more of myself by now, cause Jesus, I freaking dropped out TWICE.

And you know, it's never too late for anyone to go back to school, you included. Have you thought about it? You have all those NG benefits for school...



I will give you a call tomorrow or Wednesday. We just finished with a unit yesterday so the LT and I are still recovering. It's been hectic. :/