life in plastic, it's fantastic

So, I was four days late and I was starting to be like, fuck. I'd heard pregnancies are contagious (my sister is due in a little over a month) but come on, I don't even want one a little bit.

But then yesterday, first thing in the morning, the world was right again. :) Except now I want to carve my ovaries out with big knife. :(

Also, the stupid Dining Out is in just over two weeks, and I have to lose 10 lbs. Maybe just 5. But still. My dad is going to be my date so I'm sure he doesn't care either way, but I care, damnit. I want to be the prettiest princess at the ball.

The ice cream truck is on my street right now as I type this. Someone is smiting me.

This post sucks. :/

"I'm a blonde little girl

in a fantasy world"

- Aqua "Barbie Girl" -

and suddenly you're in love with everything

Weird. Fucking. Day.

Remember back when I said I was going to start volunteering at the animal shelter near my house? Remember when I still haven't done it yet?

Today a lightning bolt came out of the sky/the ceiling in my office and hit me - and then there I was, typing in the website for the shelter and saving their phone number in my cell phone.

Then, like, 15 minutes later, I was overcome by the urge to sneak a cigarette. For those who do not know me, I've been battling a nicotine addiction for approximately a million years. Lately I've been winning (unless we have a unit in training or I'm in Iraq - what is it about the Army that makes me want to smoke more?). So today, not training and not in Iraq, it was odd but overpowering, my need for a Marlboro. I walked down to S6 and hit up one of the civilians, who was happy to get away from his desk for a bit.

We walked out back and sat on the picnic table and talked about his impending divorce (that sucks) and why no one wants to live in New Jersey (true story). He smoked a second one (I didn't) and then we headed back toward the building.

"Hey, Sgt. Malibu, want to see some kittens?" I turned to see a MSG who works downstairs standing off in the grass near our parking lot. [It reads that way, but she really didn't sound so much like a pedo trying to lure me into a van as it looks here, I promise.]

"Um, ok?" I said, confused, and walked toward her. "Where are they?"

She pointed to the storm drain, hidden in the grass next to her. I peeked in, and at the bottom, about 4 feet down, three teeny kittens huddled together in the wet leaves. My heart melted.

"I called DPW [Department of Public Works] and they referred me to Pest Control - the guy is on his way here with something to scoop them out of there." She looked worried. "I don't know where the mother is, I think she may have been that cat that got hit earlier... and it's supposed to rain tonight and for the next few days. They'll drown down there, you know?" She knelt down and peered in. "But I don't know... I asked the Pest Control guy what he was going to do with them and he didn't really answer me."

Um. "What do you mean, he didn't answer you?"

"I don't know. But he's the Pest Control guy."

Lightbulb! "I can take them to a shelter that's near here. I was literally just looking up their phone number. Seriously."

She stood up, looking relieved. "Ok, want to go get a box then? I think we have some inside?"

We walked back in, got a box, sat back in the grass and waited for the Pest Control guy. He arrived a few minutes later with fucking Havahart traps (their spelling, not mine) and a long hook/pincher thing. It took a few tries, but by gingerly picking up the kittens with the pincher thing and lifting them up to the grate, he was able to place them in my hands so I could ease them through the grate.

They turned out to be smaller than I'd thought - little feet smaller than my smallest fingernail, and their eyes weren't even open. From torso to the base of their tail, they were about 4, maybe 5 inches. They mewed softly and found each other in the box and resumed huddling. Are they cold? I wondered. It's like 90 degrees out here!

"They can't be more than a few days old," said the Pest Control guy, perhaps rethinking his previous plan of murdering "disposing of" the kittens. "You'll need to get them to the shelter right away so someone can start feeding them."

I nodded and said goodbye to the MSG (and asked her to let the others in my office know where I was going) and got into my car. I plugged the shelter's address into my Garmin and drove off post, glancing into the box every couple seconds. The orphaned kittens - two gray and one orange - remained wedged into the corner of the box, their faces pressed into each other's fur. 

It occurred to me I should give the shelter a heads up that I was coming with three newborns, and it proved to be a good idea: they can't take wild animals unless they come from Animal Control (which Fort Dix does not have, evidently). The shelter gave me the number to the Animal Control for the closest country and I tried it: no answer, mailbox is full. Shit.

Called the shelter again to see what I should do now. She said the only other thing I could do was call the non-emergency number of the local police. Um, the DoD police on Fort Dix? Yeah, probably not. But I didn't know any other police stations to contact. I drove back onto Dix and parked in front of the DoD police station, carried the box in with me so the kittens wouldn't roast in my car.

The woman in the lobby (behind the bulletproof glass, that is) was surprised and very helpful, as were the police officers who came out to the main part of the lobby to peer into the box and coo at the kittens. They were able to get in touch with another county's Animal Control, who agreed to meet there at the DoD police station to pick up the kittens for transport to a shelter (probably the shelter I'd previously talked to, but oh well, I'm no stranger to slightly-ridiculous SOPs). I waited until they arrived so I could ensure the kittens wouldn't be destroyed (Animal Control promised me they wouldn't be unless they were rabid/whatever).

Drove back to work.

I know this picture is blurry, but I took it with my phone while I was driving to the DoD police station (pretty sure that's illegal or something). Anyway, here they are:

Also, and completely unrelated, I am pretty sure I broke one of my toes, possibly two. I walked around in pain all day.

"but now I'm dry of thoughts, wait for the rain

then it's replaced, sun setting..."

- Badly Drawn Boy "The Shining" -

indeed a fool am I

So - 

Recently I've begun to admit to myself that I can't keep riding along with no college degree. It's embarrassing, but here I am, 23 with nothing to show, really. And it's sad, fucking pathetic actually, because I know I have the mental capacity to do it, I just can't seem to do it, do you know what I mean? I do a little research and find a college and program I'm interested in, anxiety mounting, and then when it gets down to it, I freeze up. I have an intense, real, not-even-exaggerating phobia of paperwork. This is not an excuse for anything, it's just a fact. 

And I know it's something I have to do in order to progress any farther, but... ?

Do you want to know why I don't have a Facebook account? The truth is, I did create one. I briefly personalized my account before searching for people I know - and then realized that if people searched for me, I'd have nothing listed below my name but my location. What a subtle way to announce to everyone that I'm an alumni of the University of Nothing. I promptly took down my account.

And though I read a lot - A LOT - and yes, it's good for my vocabulary, and yes, it's enriching and all that - but I still feel wholly inarticulate as much as I do embarrassed. I've tried not once, but twice to obtain a college degree, both times ending in spectacular failure due mostly to my laziness and inability to prioritize.

Sometimes I can't even TALK to people, you know? It frustrates me to not be able to debate, to compete. Would four years of higher education make a difference in that? Who the fuck knows. Maybe I'll learn how to fake it better.

In any case, I spent much of today researching - and my stomach feels like shit and I need a fucking cigarette. I'm not lying. I hate this process. Anyway, I made an account on GoArmyEd and poked around and found a few things. I've already determined that whatever program I end up in MUST BE offered entirely online. Can't and won't do the whole "traditional college experience" again.

So here are a few programs I found (in no order):

Thomas Edison State College, BA in Journalism or BA in Communication

These two degrees are Army Career Degrees, which will take into account and credit my time as a 46Q and apply that toward a degree, based on rank and related courses I've completed. It seems I'd be much better off if I were already an E6 and had completed both phases of BNCOC, but I can't worry about that now. There is a representative from Thomas Edison on McGuire, but I will have to call him TOMORROW to find out where the actual building is so I can go talk to him. 

American Military University, BA in Marketing or BA in Middle Eastern Studies

These two I will talk to the counselors at the Education Office about. AMU doesn't offer a BA (or BS) in Communications, but Marketing would be ok, too. And I'd love to go with Middle Eastern Studies, but realistically, where would that get me? Have to ask the counselor.

Burlington County College, AS in Liberal Arts/Science

Kind of a fall back, I guess, being that its a two year program. BCC is right up the road from Dix so it'd be convenient, although the program is offered entirely online, so it doesn't really matter that it's close. Something else to talk to the counselor about.

I have to will go talk to the folks in the Education Office on Dix this week on Thursday to make sure I'm doing everything the right way.

Until Thursday and until I formally begin this next chapter of my life, I continue to gather knowledge haphazardly and accidently. Today I read two more short stories by John Cheever from the aptly titled, The Stories of John Cheever, read about gonzo journalism and Hunter S. Thompson, watched the most recent episode of The Office online, and learned what a straw man argument is.

All in all, a busy day.

"and I journey through the desert of the mind

with no hope

I follow"

- Queens of the Stone Age "No One Knows" -

thought you had all the answers to rest your heart upon

Sunday: Family Guy

Monday: House

Tuesday: American Idol

Wednesday: American Idol

Thursday: Hell's Kitchen / The Office

Friday/Saturday: (stare at each other bleakly)

...

Today I was outside on the back deck smoking a cigarette, talking to my parents, when my wedding ring fell off and slipped between the boards. 30 minutes and a broken coat hanger, a chopstick, some electrical tape, and a bread-tie later - SUCCESS! My ring was safely back on my hand and the universe was set right.

Ok, so it wasn't my *real* wedding ring that fell, it was the shitty one I took to Iraq with me (in case I died and some shifty medic swiped it) but still! Pretty traumatizing. 

Luckily my parents were there on the phone to talk me down from the crisis: "Bend a paper clip!" (none in the house) "Use a bobby pin!" (haven't owned a bobby pin since high school) "Piano wire!" (wtf?)

So now I feel like fucking MacGyver. Rock on.

"well you can pin yourself back together,

to who you thought you were"

- Bird York "In The Deep" -

little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear

I've... I've been pretty substandard lately. Laziness.

And that's really the thing I hate most about myself, I think. I'm not very good at self motivating. I don't even really feel like writing right now, to tell the truth - but I always feel so much better after I write. Same thing with going for a run. I feel good once I get going, and feel great afterward, but it's so hard to get started. And smoking! I can already feel physically better after 3 or 4 days of not smoking... but putting down the lighter is sometimes too hard.

Ok - enough being negative. What are some good things going on right now?

1. Yesterday afternoon I discovered that I'm not half bad at ping pong.

2. I have moved into transient housing (blech) but the upside is I no longer have a roommate, and my room is right by the pool (yay!).

3. No indirect fire attacks so far today.

4. TOA is tomorrow (finally) and already I'm on a relaxed (read: non existant) work schedule.

5. The photo of me and the CG was waiting for me in my inbox when I got in today!

And now I feel like going swimming... I'll try not to have a cigarette on the way to the pool.

- The Beatles "Here Comes the Sun" -

maybe I just wanna fly

yeah.

so now my door handle is fixed... the guy at the garage is calling the Mitsubishi dealership today to get me a part to make the window work again. sucks trying to smoke through the passenger window when you're driving. i should just quit.

mmm... was going to say something... was thinking about it all day... YOU SEE?? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON'T WRITE IT DOWN!!

wow, work sucked. but only another 9 days... we'll see where i'm at after that... and yeah, it's a pretty shitty job... still, i'm gonna miss the people there like crazy. i'm gonna miss the craziness, the massive amount of unnecessary work, the redundancy, but mostly the people. i was a little ashamed to admit that fact to Mr. Regular Army... but he smiled and said, "why do you think i'm still in the Guard?"

good point.

wore my hair down today... it's getting so long. remember when all i could do was spike it? (shuders) it's nice to have hair again. and randomly someone asked me today if i surf. yeah. in Massachusetts, all the time.

man oh man... so last night was kinda odd. hung out a bit... CF made a date with me for friday night... ANYWHERE i want. he already knows where i want to go. watched some tv and he ended up staying the night... i dunno... he's fucking bipolar. but last night was nice. and i'm NOT going to base my existence on one night or one weekend or even one month. i'm still leaving in 9 days. and it's just one day at a time... i won't tell you what he said, but things are looking... not exactly up, but at least at a 75 degree angle or so. i dunno. we'll see.

and 6 more days til wednesday... and my soul to squeeze....

"maybe i just want to breathe

maybe i just don't believe

maybe you're the same as me

we see things they'll never see

you and i are gonna live forever"

- Oasis "Live Forever" -

sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key... sing me anything

argh.

here, print this one out:

wednesday: fucked up. a phone call at work that made no sense. lots of cigarettes.

thursday: fucked up? i think. i don't remember. probably nothing.

friday: MORE fucked up. a trip to woonsocket, pizza and soda on the bed... then a phone call and an admission... an apology. a drive in my car, the back porch, the bedroom, a fan in the window.

saturday: the movies? was it saturday? the days are all running in together. the movies (i think) and something else... ??

sunday: breakfast, then the grafton flea market. all the way to the rope swing in douglas, turned back, the apartment... a beard trimmer, the back porch. later, mini golf? but no. my car, another long drive and then nothing.

monday: supposed sickness in the morning, a quick stop in northbridge... burger king for lunch and home depot after work. drove and drove... the bank, home depot, the mall... thunderstorm warning and i didn't have to be alone.

tuesday: woke up late and hurried up 495... uxbridge then providence then dartmouth then new bedford then fall river then back. a clean car, barefoot football, darkness and the drive back. another phone call... the back porch, the bedroom, back again and back again... sleep...

now it's wednesday again.

"you would kill for this

just a little bit

just a little bit

you would, you would..."

- Straylight Run "Existentialism on Prom Night" -

pour me something tall and strong

another long-ass blue-collar day at shaw's... fuck, i am TIRED! stupid old people spending their social security checks on damn lottery tickets... if i ever get that pathetic, do me the favor and shoot me.

took a nice long lunch around 12:30... went outside, smoked a cigarette and stared out at the rain. such a dreary, ugly day... matches my mood. i wish it were nicer out 'cause my car could use a good cleaning, but there's no way i'm going out to vacuum it in the rain.

so yeah, today sucked so far, but at least i worked with Tk today. she doesn't mind when my breaks run a little long, and she's so easy to get along with. a lot of the people i work with are morons, but Tk is great. i'm so glad i work days now... don't have to deal with the high school punks in the evening and all their bullshit. yeah. i hate people.

(sigh)

i really need to get out of this mood. i'm feeling completely uninspired today... this is the most un-profound entry i've written so far. what do i do? i don't know what the *right* course of action would be, but i'll tell ya what i'm GOING to do anyways, *right* or wrong... GET DRUNK! mmm, liquid dinner, i can't wait. i need to just get trashed and forget about all this shit. SOOO much on my mind... (sigh) don't even feel like getting into it. nothing new, mostly, just old wounds festering and developing gangrene. nasty. maybe i'll fucking drink hydrogen peroxide tonight to cleanse myself.

someone, please... love me...!

- Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett "Five O'Clock Somewhere" -

because she only wants the wrong way

i somewhat made peace with myself today. and how did i do that? funny you should ask...

Rico's apartment building only provides parking for tenants, so everyone that came to the party last night had to park at the convenience store down the road, or at the church, which is right across the street. lazy me picked the church parking lot. so then this morning, standing on the porch smoking a butt, i happened to look over at my little car and saw what looked like a flyer on the windshield. let me remind you that today is sunday. curious, i finished my cigarette and walked over to see what it was.

it seems that the church people didn't like the fact that my car was parked in their parking lot while there were having service this find sunday morning. so some stupid bastard stuck a HUGE ASS florescent ORANGE sticker right in the MIDDLE of the windshield, bearing the words:

VIOLATION! This car is parked illegally and is therefore subject to fines and/or towing. Your license plate has been recorded.

ok. that's fine. except there are NO signs prohibiting parking in the GIGANTIC parking lot. i know because i checked. and this sticker took up a good portion of my windshield and could be seen from the street. i'm lucky my car didn't get fucking towed. and so are the church people, because then they would have a window or two to replace.

pissed off? just a little. and i wasn't in the most pleasant of moods to begin with. i didn't eat hardly anything yesterday and then drank on an empty stomach so i was feeling a little woozy, had a really shitty night altogether, woke up sore from sleeping on a hardwood floor, and had a vague recollection of a drunken telephone conversation with someone i was hurting. i'd been trying to figure out what to say to him and my head hurt. now i had to get a razor and scrape the fucking thing off so i could drive my car.

so i'm standing in the parking lot scraping away and everyone going into the church is looking at me (stupid me parked right near the door) and my head is throbbing and i feel like shit and i just want to scream, "WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE!" at the church people and put a fucking brick through one of their windows and then suddenly...

i didn't give a shit. because it could have been a lot worse. the sticker, while ugly and ANNOYING, was put there by the church people, not the police, and it was only a warning. there wasn't a parking citation on my windshield, and apparently there could have been. i guess. even with no signs. or a cop could have driven by and seen the sticker and had my car towed. but all i had to do was scrape the thing off and park somewhere else, that's all. it could have been a lot worse.

and that's my POINT. my whole LIFE could be a lot worse. what does complaining change? absolutely nothing. happiness is a CHOICE. and the only way to achieve happiness is to grab the bull by the balls and take it. i WANT to be happy. and if that means doing something that everyone else thinks is crazy then so be it. i am only one person, i cannot please everybody. but i've spent so long trying to do that i forgot about myself. i don't want to follow the rules anymore.

ok. chew on this: so i'm driving along this straightaway (metaphorically speaking) and at the end i see a stop sign. it's late, i can see there's no one else on the road with me, so i speed up. i'm almost to the stop sign, it's right in front of me. no one at the intersection.

what do i do? do i stop because it's the *right* thing to do? whose right? maybe it's my wrong. maybe i think that the stop sign should be a yield. maybe i don't believe in stop signs at all.

so i fucking run it.

(sigh) i have a feeling that i'm the only person who will understand that analogy. comparing running a stop sign to the direction my life is taking...? and if ONE fucking person makes note of the legality issue in both situations... I SO DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!! i'm an adult, DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!

...on a darker note...

drinking last night was horrible. i guess that's what happens... i was drinking way too quickly, one after another. there were ghosts in my bottle, and tears of a man shed over me. i drank and drank and then chased it all down with some tears of my own.

i hated myself... doing a lot of that lately... and still missing him...

- Sublime "Wrong Way" -

apathy has rained on me, now I'm feeling like a soggy dream

what is WRONG with me today? woke up and felt like a big pile of shit the moment i opened my eyes. not even noon and already i feel like this day is a waste.

maybe it's because i want too much. i WANT my fucking car back... i WANT my recruiter to cut orders activating me to this office so i can make more money, because i WANT to be financially stable enough to make this money monetarily worry-free... i WANT to fid a college that has my major and doesn't require a zillion credit hours BEFORE i can even apply (fuck you, SDSU)...

i know i'm whining. i just want to be with him. i want this to all turn out ok. i keep telling myself to calm down and breathe, but i can't help freaking out at the amount of variables in the equation. i don't know how to solve it. i'm no good at this.

and i HAVE the list of colleges offering my major that my guidance counselor gave me (that doesn't sound right... misplaced modifier, maybe? forgive me, Mrs. Jones...), all i have to do is get the number for the admissions office and call... but i'm so scares of doors slamming in my face that i've just been sitting here agonizing... SPINELESS! what a mess i've become. i need some fucking motivation.

(sigh)

ok. i can't stay like this all day or i'm likely to kill myself. so... well, it's too early to call any west coast colleges right now, anyways, so maybe i'll take a drive to clear my head. there are two places that allow me to think the best: in the shower (cliche?) and in the car, smoking a cigarette. i realize i can't go on smoking forever (too expensive!), so i'm going to have to amend that one, but for now... maybe i'll find MY epiphany...

love me...

- Green Day "Burnout" -