new direction

For many reasons, I will not be posting here, at least not in the near future, possibly not ever. I have begun a new blog with new intentions over at Weebly. Email me if you'd like the URL: icanbepurple@gmail.com.

Otherwise, see you around.

it's like forgetting the words to your favorite song

2010

I've been very bad at keeping this updated in the last few months. I could say I've been too busy, but actually I've spent an embarrassing amount of time on the couch. I think it's just that I ran out of things to say, got bored with my own thoughts, couldn't find any inspiration, I don't know. I look around my life and see a lot of areas for improvement, but now that I'm actually looking, it doesn't seem so overwhelming as I'd thought.

I've realized a few things in my hiatus:

- I really love anti-folk.

- I have the most amazing husband. Seriously.

- We belong in New England. Now that I've accepted it, and knowing that we'll eventually get back there, makes me feel a whole lot better about living in New Jersey.

- I should be a veterinarian. It makes more sense and resonates with me deeper than anything ever has, even being a Soldier.

- The Army is not the solution to all of my problems. I do not need the Army to make me somebody; I can and, in time, will stand on my feet without it (see above).

I won't call them resolutions, but my goals for 2010 are:

* drop the rest of my 15 lb post-deployment weight

* less Facebook, more Wii Fit (see above)

* BCC on my way to Rutgers on my way to Tufts

* more tasting, more adventures, more crafts, more fresh outdoor air, more reading, more ambiance, more kisses, more photographs, more doing

...

This felt really good. I'd forgotten how much I love to write.

"you can't believe it, you were always singing along"

- Regina Spektor "Eet" -

oh momma, I've been years on the lam

Dear Blue House (old house),

We had big plans for you, and I truly regret we won't have the chance to see more of those become a reality. Thank you for providing a surprisingly cooperative garden and for offering such a stunning view of the lake. We've decided to leave behind the 7 blueberry bushes we purchased and planted where the yard monster used to lurk, so try to pick a family that will take pleasure in fresh blueberries in their cereal. I'll miss your bizarre quirks - the mismatched lighting, the mismatched wall treatments, the mismatched doors/door frames, the questionable paint colors, the awful "seashore" theme - because, while these quirks both frustrated and baffled me, I can appreciate the charm in a house that Jack built. And despite your faults - the leaky skylights, the backed up plumbing, the creepy neighbors - I will remember you fondly. Farewell, friend.

Dear Cats,

I'm sorry to move you for the, ahem, sixth time, but I think you will like our new home. You will miss having the screened-in porch to sun yourselves and watch birds, I know, because I will too. That, I think, will be one of the hardest things to lose. But you will learn to love this new house, I promise.

Dear Tree,

What can I say but thank you. You've proved to be more understanding than any human should be, and the work you have done to take us on this new adventure has not gone unnoticed. You have been strong and supportive every step of the way, from making the first scary call to the realtor to sitting down with the huge scary loan packet awaiting a hundred signatures. I couldn't imagine a better co-conspirator, or more importantly, a better husband.

Dear Half-Brick House (new house),

I won't say much, because we aren't even moved in yet, but know that things are going to be strange for the first few months. I know I'm probably going to feel a little resentful for awhile, but don't be offended, it's just that I'm still missing my Blue House. Don't worry, though. We've got plans for you, too. ;)

"the jig is up, the news is out
they finally found me"

- STYX "Renegade" -

it's sleeping in my memory

I'm feeling very overwhelmed today. Things were going great and then in the last week it all got fucked up.

I'm going to set aside, for the moment, the never ending nightmare that is my job. The CPT is never going to change; she'll be the worst boss/officer in existence right to my last day of orders. 353 days to go...

An ongoing issue at the back of my mind has been my parents' financial situation. Yoshi told me today they are behind on nearly everything and are now close to having the electricity shut off. It fucking kills me. My dad has his own construction business, and as home-buying slowed with the economy, so did building and renovations. What makes me so angry is that their situation is not their fault - they have not been irresponsible, they don't live beyond their means, they have not accumulated a ton of credit card debt, haven't spent lavishly on vacations or cars or anything. My dad just goes to work every day, pays his workers fairly, and my mother keeps the company books along with a part-time job. They are honest, salt-of-the-earth people who could not deserve less the situation they are in. But people aren't building much, and some jobs he'd started are now in limbo as the buyers ran out of cash. They are owed a good amount of money, but how can you tell that to the collection agency? And very few new jobs are coming in.

My dad asked Yoshi and I to fill out online applications for him to Home Depot, Lowes, etc because he's not good them and always gets frustrated. He's put his truck and motorcycle on Craigslist; it's the motorcycle that really hurts - it's such a big part of him. He's president of the Band of Brothers (Central Mass) Chapter of the Nam Knights. What does that mean for him if his motorcycle is gone?

I haven't talked to Tree, but I want to and am going to help. I know my parents won't take money from me, so I have to stick to bills that don't require me having to answer a lot of questions. I tried to pay their electric bill, but the company won't take payments over the phone, and I can't send a check without the account number. So I called the lumber company I know they have an overdue account at (almost $1100 I learned today) and paid $400. After I get paid this weekend I'm going to pay the rest. I don't know what I am going to say once my mother (who keeps impeccable books) realizes there is an unexplained payment. Hopefully she'll understand and just not say anything to my dad. Sometimes you do what you have to do, to take care of your family. I don't think I'm going to say anything to Tree, either.

There is another thing, but it's not really my story to tell. Perhaps I will be able to elaborate more later, but for now all I will say is that I love my sister and niece and would do anything to help them.

Then I found out today that the owners of my house, my big beautiful house, won't sell it for less than they paid - about $50,000 more than the house is currently worth. Our lease is up at the end of October and it makes me literally sick to my stomach to think of all the work we're going to have to do from now to then. Tree told the realtor we aren't interested in overpaying like a motherfucker, so she's going to look for other houses in the area. But shit - this place is fucking amazing, even with the work it needs. And we talked so much about plans for the garden next year, renovating different parts of the house, what our end vision for the place is... I just hope we can find something else, lakefront, so I don't regret losing this house for the rest of my life. We have put so much time and love into the house and yard already - we just planted 7 blueberry bushes like a week ago! I suppose that serves us right for getting attached to a house that wasn't ours, but fuck... I love this place so much I'm starting to cry over it again.

So in light of everything, maybe Tree and I should go back home? Gee, that's some timing, considering I just quit my GS job in MA and transferred into the New Jersey National Guard last Friday. Everything is awesome, right?

"and a rock feels no pain

and an island never cries"

- Simon and Garfunkel "I Am A Rock" -

anyone can see my every flaw

Time for some early-summer reflecting...

So, a new baby and a new kitten - can you guess which one was a bigger deal?

I was perhaps a bit untruthful in my previous post when I said the kitten was to comfort Tree when my niece arrived; I find the little guy is comforting me as well. I won't lie and say a part of me feels left out of all the (fun?). My mom tells me about the adorable little booties she found in the attic that Yoshi and I used to wear. Yoshi wearily repeats her future M-I-L's most recent crazy declaration ("I would never tell my child Santa didn't exist, no matter how old they were. I would tell them Santa used to exist but that now he doesn't."). But then she has to go - The Little One needs to eat/be changed. Suddenly my artful arrangement of candles on my dining room table doesn't seem so captivating.

But quite honestly, I rationally don't want kids, like, full-time, if that makes sense. Like, today, I was searching for summer craft ideas online (more on this another time) and came across all sorts of cute things to make with a child. I was looking for more adult and permanent crafts, but the felt jungle and puppet theater made me a little sad. I would like little hands to help me cut the felt or pick out fabric! And I'd like my crafts to have some use, unlike the endless "good ideas" I've had (hand painted/stamped stone magnets, my WWII service trunk, handmade notecards, you can even throw Athena's in here...) that were superexciting for all of 5 minutes.

Wow, rereading, I kind of got away from what I was trying to say in that last paragraph. What I meant was, it would be great to help a child assemble a puppet theater, watch them put on a show or two (guess I'd have to help them make puppets, too), and then have them leave my house. Oh, but that's possible now that I'm an aunt, you say? Except I live 4 (or up to 7, depending on the hellish traffic jam that is the George Washington Bridge) hours away. And yes, Tree and I have talked about moving back home to be closer to family, but I was really unhappy in Massachusetts, and I don't want all my (adult) life decisions to be based on other's people's happiness while sacrificing my own (our own?). You know? My family is (I guess?) happy in MA, and who knows, maybe someday I'll want to return, but not right now.

Kind of getting off-topic again. Fuck! Anyway, maybe I could just volunteer at a preschool or a YMCA or something. Otherwise I fear I'm going to get overwhelmed by all the cool things I'm (missing out on?). Because I honestly do feel like I'm being left behind... I'll be 24 next month and Tree will be 26 in December...

TL;DR I'm torn on the whole "having a kid" thing. Fuck.

"I don't feel the way I've ever felt,

I know

I'm gonna smile and not get worried,

I try but it shows"

- Jimmy Eat World "Pain" -

she took the midnight train goin anywhere

So... a FRAGO?

1. Not going to combatives - too many events we have been ordered to take photos at invited to, so we will have to put this off. What I really suspect is that we're going to have to attend the class one at a time while the other covers down on the office. The CPT thinks it will work out so we go together. We'll see.

2. What was 2? Oh yeah, my footlocker. No changes here.

3. Vegetable garden will hopefully be planted this weekend (or at least we'll have the area dug out). At the advice of a trusted Gardeness, we're planting a few tomato plants, some zucchini (I just had to look up the spelling = embarrassing) and summer squash, some peppers, and perhaps a pumpkin vine or three. I'm also going to buy a gnome for luck and to watch over the garden. Cause gnomes are the shit.

4. Nap. Yes.

***Some additional changes... (or perhaps just the continuation that I never got around to)

5. My home unit/state SUCKS DICK and individuals I thought were looking out for me (namely, V) are decidedly not. Also there has to be some unspoken agreement that Soldiers serving on Title 10 orders outside the state don't fucking matter and should be passed over for promotions/etc. Today I was basically told to "calm down" about wanting to get promoted (I'm already over a year behind my peers) . "You'll get there eventually. Look at me, I've been sitting at [this rank] for forever." The person who told me this is also supposedly taking the only slot for me to get promoted. Yet he's not MOSQ, and won't be until the fall, and thus won't be eligible for promotion until next spring when the new list comes out. So essentially, that vacant slot, which I am currently eligible for, is going to sit vacant for a year until this other individual is eligible. Wow, sounds a lot like what happened to me last time.*

I'm not even going to fuck around with an IG complaint this time. While yes, it would be valid, and I'd probably win and get the slot, once you file a complaint, you are silently labled a problem Soldier. Speak out against the man or the system and you're a shitbag, you're fucked. I know because I already lived it, 3 years ago. Besides, I need to confirm that this individual really is getting that slot. I'm going to call my commander back home early next week and see what he says.

So in the meantime, I called the NJ ARNG today and spoke to a recruiter. There are two available E6 slots in NJ for my MOS. She said the fact that I'm on Title 10 orders is not a problem (in other words, they won't try to recall me early) and that I'll just have to turn my TA 50 back in to my state. No problem. She said all the interstate transfer stuff will be handled on her end and that I don't even need to contact my state if I choose not to. I'm going to meet with her in person next week because I want to see everything in writing (I'm not stupid).*

6. Maybe buying the house, but the above situation is already affecting a decision I thought was a done deal. If we commit to the purchase, I only have guaranteed income until July 2010 (leaving the MA ARNG means losing my military technician job at the MA JFHQ). But I've been wanting more and more recently to go back to school (for real this time), so maybe I'll just collect benefits, go to class, and not worry about a job? This will require more research. It will also be dependent on what state I end up in as NG education benefits are different in each state.

7. Or I could just say Fuck It All and switch to the Army Reserve. I kind of think this is the best course of action... there are many more available full-time positions for Reserves that aren't for NG Soldiers. I could easily get a position at the schoolhouse on Fort Meade, at the NCOA here on Dix (they asked me to stay), and I know for a fact there are drill sergeant units in the Reserves that spend their ATs at basic training posts. Look, there are 3 things I'd like to do in the future, all available for me if I switch components. In fact, now that I just typed that, I think I'll call a Reserve recruiter on Monday.*

Why does everything have to be so hard?

*Please, if you are one of those people who knows what/who I'm talking about, don't spread this around. I don't want to jeopardize my move to NJ/the Reserves. Thanks for your understanding.

"oh, the movie never ends

it goes on and on and on and on"

- Journey "Don't Stop Believin" -

indeed a fool am I

So - 

Recently I've begun to admit to myself that I can't keep riding along with no college degree. It's embarrassing, but here I am, 23 with nothing to show, really. And it's sad, fucking pathetic actually, because I know I have the mental capacity to do it, I just can't seem to do it, do you know what I mean? I do a little research and find a college and program I'm interested in, anxiety mounting, and then when it gets down to it, I freeze up. I have an intense, real, not-even-exaggerating phobia of paperwork. This is not an excuse for anything, it's just a fact. 

And I know it's something I have to do in order to progress any farther, but... ?

Do you want to know why I don't have a Facebook account? The truth is, I did create one. I briefly personalized my account before searching for people I know - and then realized that if people searched for me, I'd have nothing listed below my name but my location. What a subtle way to announce to everyone that I'm an alumni of the University of Nothing. I promptly took down my account.

And though I read a lot - A LOT - and yes, it's good for my vocabulary, and yes, it's enriching and all that - but I still feel wholly inarticulate as much as I do embarrassed. I've tried not once, but twice to obtain a college degree, both times ending in spectacular failure due mostly to my laziness and inability to prioritize.

Sometimes I can't even TALK to people, you know? It frustrates me to not be able to debate, to compete. Would four years of higher education make a difference in that? Who the fuck knows. Maybe I'll learn how to fake it better.

In any case, I spent much of today researching - and my stomach feels like shit and I need a fucking cigarette. I'm not lying. I hate this process. Anyway, I made an account on GoArmyEd and poked around and found a few things. I've already determined that whatever program I end up in MUST BE offered entirely online. Can't and won't do the whole "traditional college experience" again.

So here are a few programs I found (in no order):

Thomas Edison State College, BA in Journalism or BA in Communication

These two degrees are Army Career Degrees, which will take into account and credit my time as a 46Q and apply that toward a degree, based on rank and related courses I've completed. It seems I'd be much better off if I were already an E6 and had completed both phases of BNCOC, but I can't worry about that now. There is a representative from Thomas Edison on McGuire, but I will have to call him TOMORROW to find out where the actual building is so I can go talk to him. 

American Military University, BA in Marketing or BA in Middle Eastern Studies

These two I will talk to the counselors at the Education Office about. AMU doesn't offer a BA (or BS) in Communications, but Marketing would be ok, too. And I'd love to go with Middle Eastern Studies, but realistically, where would that get me? Have to ask the counselor.

Burlington County College, AS in Liberal Arts/Science

Kind of a fall back, I guess, being that its a two year program. BCC is right up the road from Dix so it'd be convenient, although the program is offered entirely online, so it doesn't really matter that it's close. Something else to talk to the counselor about.

I have to will go talk to the folks in the Education Office on Dix this week on Thursday to make sure I'm doing everything the right way.

Until Thursday and until I formally begin this next chapter of my life, I continue to gather knowledge haphazardly and accidently. Today I read two more short stories by John Cheever from the aptly titled, The Stories of John Cheever, read about gonzo journalism and Hunter S. Thompson, watched the most recent episode of The Office online, and learned what a straw man argument is.

All in all, a busy day.

"and I journey through the desert of the mind

with no hope

I follow"

- Queens of the Stone Age "No One Knows" -

I'm me, me be, god damn, I am

A. I still feel very wild and restless. I've done the Fort Dix thing, and the mission isn't going to change all THAT much for me (maybe decrease, but not really change...). I've pretty much seen and done all there is to see and do. Sure, I'd like to fit in a couple more professional development classes before I leave, but that's not life-or-death.

The thought of another deployment makes my heart beat a little faster. Iraq? It's like longing for a lover you haven't seen in far too long. I want so bad to see the cluttered landscape, taste the sand, hear the foreign prayers at dawn. 

Do you know that I still roll my shoulders backward sometimes, the best way to make my pistol holster sit comfortably? I haven't touched that weapon in nearly 7 months.

There is a major I know that is willing to take me along with his unit to be the last AFN in Baghdad. It would require me going back to DINFOS for the broadcaster course (great!!), transferring into the Army Reserves (not so great), and possibly paying back most of my reenlistment bonus (exact opposite of great). But I'm really, really considering it: early 2010 is the timeframe for that deployment. I'd get off my OWT orders as scheduled in July, go to DINFOS until November, hang out for a few months and then..

And if not that, there are TONS of other opportunities. As a trainer for all Army reserve component public affairs units going to Iraq, I could easily hop on with any one of them. The current PAOC we have on the ground asked me to go with them; their LTC keeps telling me to pack my bags so I can leave when they do.

Do you believe me, I mean, really believe me, when I tell you that I loved it?

Iraq made me important, needed, a part of something so much bigger than myself, but in that way, big. My heart felt big each and every day I was there.

B. I love my little house, my little car, my little cats, my little life. I love sleeping in, having a weekend off, and the possibility of calling in sick. I love seeing my family pretty much whenever I want, and I love even more not hearing the tension in my mother's voice over the phone. I love having more than 10 cable channels (two of which were in Arabic, three were AFN channels, and the rest were MTV, History Channel, Animal Planet... forgot the other two...). 

I love not eating the same 5 meals over and over again. I love soda that tastes like soda and not watery shit. I love more than 5 minutes of a hot shower.

I love the wintery air and snowflakes. I love not having to pretend that the holidays don't matter to me.  I even love the Christmas tree that I didn't want in the first place.

And the lakehouse - how can I live without this view?? The loft, the outdoor hot tub, the window seat, the screened in porch, the floating dock, the wild ducks... this place is the closest to perfect I could have ever imagined.

Does loving those things make me selfish? Because that's exactly how I feel after typing all that.

"watch me unravel, I'll soon be naked"

- Weezer "Undone (The Sweater Song)" -

I tried to say I'd be there, waiting for...

so this morning i painted my nails midnight blue and didn't smudge a single one of them, not one little flaw. i'm pretty proud of myself, not just cause they came out so perfect, but for having the patience to let them dry fully.

you see, it was a really bloody weekend. but it's ok though, i'm still standing, a little bruised but otherwise unharmed. i'm proud of that, too. it's not every weekend you lose 3.25 friends in one swift motion. it's ok, though, i'm fine and we'll be fine. in fact we've never been closer. we spent sunday formulating our plan, not a plan B but THE plan. and whatever skepticism i had was demolished after our 2 hour conversation last night in bed. he did most of the talking, but i can't describe to you how much was accomplished in that time. we're really going to do this.

all but one of you have no idea what i'm talking about. it's ok. there's still so much more planning to do before i'm ready to share our secret with the world.

(wink)

ps do you ever use the popcorn button on the microwave? cause i always look twice when i see a red grand am.

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "By The Way" -

and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters and no pearls

you know i haven't even fully unpacked since coming home from maryland? subconsciously, i think, i'm contemplating NEVER unpacking, and just stuffing the boxes into my car and driving away into the sunset. like a damn cowboy or something. beautiful.

i have to get out of this place before i end up institutionalized. this can't be healthy. i want to claw my way out of my skin and attack someone and eat their brains and take over their body. sort of like the bug-thing from Men in Black.

and even if there isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that very well might exist only in my mind... it's not like i've never fallen on my face before.

hmmm...

on one side of the scale, i've got the unknown, the ethereal rainbow.

on the other side of the scale, i see every day of my life, each day exactly the same. fighting and working (slaving) and taking care of a 21 year old infant. cleaning up after him and waiting on his every need. alcohol-fueled wars raged over the most insignificant incidents. constant poverty due to his frivolity. depression. suicide.

(sigh) what am i WAITING for??

...how long has it been now? 22 days and counting...

"if you think you might come to california...

i think you should"

- Counting Crows "A Long December" -

we could live like jack and sally if we want

you know what? FUCK prince charming, AND his fucking horse, AND the fucking castle.

VIP, you still wanna know my fantasy?

i want a '79 ford pickup, powder blue with rust spots, and a broken tail light. i want to smoke my marlboro lights with the window rolled all the way down, year round... lots of sunshine, to match my hair. no more fucking rain clouds. and NO SNOW, ever! i want to listen to the eagles in the TAPE DECK and rock out, even at red lights when people driving next to me stare at me singing, and not give a shit. i want a loud exhaust, so everyone notices me drive by. i want to pump my own gas in a sundress and flip flops.

i want a guy who doesn't give a shit about my truck, or about cars in general. who offers to pump my gas for me. a guy who gives me goosebumps. i wanted faded blue jeans and a plain white tee on a slender but muscular frame. and work boots. maybe. taller than me. light eyes and short hair, an infectious smile. 

big hands, but gentle, capable of a good massage. clean fingernails, left handed.

i want a guy who whistles and who isn't afraid to sing. a guy who is happy more often than sad. who lets me take his picture. a guy who loves chocolate as much as i do and likes wasting a sunny saturday on the couch watching tv.

i want a guy i can ride a harley with, a guy who doesn't mind getting lost with me. a guy who lets me wear his shirts to bed and use his razor in the shower. who isn't afraid of sexuality. i want to make love on flannel sheets, no candles or rose petals, just some music in the background. lips all over me, fingers in my mouth. i want to cuddle when we're done and fall asleep curled together.

i want to talk about life and taking over the world and time travel at our kitchen table over a cup of starbucks coffee. i want him to call me princess, and i want to know i'm his number one.

i want a second floor apartment, small, but MY OWN. dark blue carpeting in my bedroom. granite tile in the kitchen, wooden cabinets stained golden brown. lots of windows. i want a high-pressure shower with glass doors and a seat inside, and a black radio on the counter. i want a fridge with an ice-maker on the door, and inside, a 6-pack of smirnoff ice. a nice set of china and stainless steel silverware. i want a little yard with healthy, green grass, and i want to walk through it barefoot. and when i come home from work, i want a grey and white cat named Basil to jump off the couch and rub against my leg.

hmmm.

where's my life going? and how do i get there? i just wanna be happy.

i need to RELAX!!!

"and we'll have halloween on christmas"

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -

apathy has rained on me, now I'm feeling like a soggy dream

what is WRONG with me today? woke up and felt like a big pile of shit the moment i opened my eyes. not even noon and already i feel like this day is a waste.

maybe it's because i want too much. i WANT my fucking car back... i WANT my recruiter to cut orders activating me to this office so i can make more money, because i WANT to be financially stable enough to make this money monetarily worry-free... i WANT to fid a college that has my major and doesn't require a zillion credit hours BEFORE i can even apply (fuck you, SDSU)...

i know i'm whining. i just want to be with him. i want this to all turn out ok. i keep telling myself to calm down and breathe, but i can't help freaking out at the amount of variables in the equation. i don't know how to solve it. i'm no good at this.

and i HAVE the list of colleges offering my major that my guidance counselor gave me (that doesn't sound right... misplaced modifier, maybe? forgive me, Mrs. Jones...), all i have to do is get the number for the admissions office and call... but i'm so scares of doors slamming in my face that i've just been sitting here agonizing... SPINELESS! what a mess i've become. i need some fucking motivation.

(sigh)

ok. i can't stay like this all day or i'm likely to kill myself. so... well, it's too early to call any west coast colleges right now, anyways, so maybe i'll take a drive to clear my head. there are two places that allow me to think the best: in the shower (cliche?) and in the car, smoking a cigarette. i realize i can't go on smoking forever (too expensive!), so i'm going to have to amend that one, but for now... maybe i'll find MY epiphany...

love me...

- Green Day "Burnout" -

we don't need no thought control

what's it feel like when you expect to hit a wall that isn't there? today was too easy...

went to my high school, saw the guidance counselor, got my transcripts. he was extremely helpful... he understands, i think, the need to change and evolve, and my thirst for motion. he made a joke as i was leaving, saying he hoped i could find a job out there that would let me work the 100 hours a week i desire... i laughed, but it's true. i spent more than a few afternoons in his office while i was still in school trying to make him understand how i could work so much and keep the grades i had. i took the advice he gave me and drove to my recruiter's office. i explained to him the skeleton of my plan and although i don't think he bought all of it, he told me to let him know what i wanted to do and he'd take care of the rest for me. simple as that.

it was so easy it makes me nervous.

but what of the wall? i know it's there. i just haven't reached it yet. eventually i will find it and hit it. and then i'll lay there before it and feel sorry for myself.

actually, i think i saw the wall today, a dim shadow of it in the distance. it's been pretty foggy in my mind lately, so i could be mistaken, but it looks like someone has painted a name on the wall... wish i could make it out...

- Pink Floyd "Brick in the Wall" -