23 September 2005

but it's not just my finish that's peeling, and it's not alone fleeing these walls

oh dashboard... we meet again...

ok, so i know i have problems, issues i need to work out. i understand this, and it's not that i don't want to deal with this, i do, just not everything all at once. i can only hold so many things together at the same time before i start to come apart at the seams. sometimes i think i need to just run away from everything i have here and there and all that i've ever known... and just start over. and YES, i would miss a lot of people, and YES, i would think about coming back all the time... but jesus fucking christ... how many times do people have to let me down? no, more importantly, how many times after i'm let down will i get back up and ask for more? this is such bullshit, i know it is, i've always known it is. some things are just to good to be true and it's only a matter of time before you realize what's hiding underneath that killer smile. and you'd think that once i realized it i would have gotten the hell out of there. and yet i didn't. at least then i would have had a shred of dignity left. now i just feel like day old left overs. "i'm gonna take this home cause i'm SO gonna eat it later, for real this time!" yeah, my leftovers always end up in the trash, too. that was a really poor metaphor. i guess i just don't know what i'm talking about. i guess what i mean to say is that it isn't fair, that i deserved some sort of warning, i shouldn't have the whole world raining down on my head all at once. i'm not as fucking strong as you think i am, as i pretend to be! i have spots that my shell doesn't cover and you always find them. like a turtle on its back. it's all there for the taking. see this heart? it's still fucking beating. it's still beating and i'm still stupidly here and still waiting, for something! waiting for i don't even know what. waiting for a solution to a problem i don't even understand. maybe there's no solution because there's no problem. maybe there never should have been the chance for a problem to arise. i knew it didn't feel quite right. now i don't even know what to do with my feelings, not that i understand them. i don't know what to do right now, i'm like suspended in midair and i can't figure out how to move away. i need to get out of this fucking place. i thought an hour away would be far enough but i was wrong. i need to be 10 million miles away from here. i need to be away so that i don't ever have to hear your name again. i don't know what i could have done to inspire so much hatred, but whatever i did, i'm sorry. i sincerely hope that it's just your way of dealing with... everything.

all i know is that i cried tonight, A LOT, and that's gotta mean something.

doesn't it?

- Dashboard Confessional "Turpentine Chaser" -

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