wishing to be the friction in your jeans

argh...

so a few psycho 15+ hour days at work and now they've told me: GO HOME. ha... it's only been open since friday and already the wareham shaw's is starting to feel like home. and i've befriended the necessary management so that my time there will be easy and worry free. gotta get in with the right people, right?

what the fuck dude. for a second i felt really cool being able to say that, but then i realized i was talking about SHAW'S supermarket. i'm so fucking lame it kills me.

but anyways.

got back from wareham and talked to my Nibbey and decided to ditch out on the whole car-pooling to drill idea (don't really care to see Regular Army Guy right now anyways... i've had more of his condescending, better-than-you attitude than i can take... which is considerably awkward, considering i live with the guy...) and go visit some old friends back home. it ought to be good for me. lately i've been feeling a little confused and disenchanted about a certain situation... sing along if you know the words... (sigh)

but yeah so i'm gonna get my ass in gear now before all the beer is gone. kidding. or am i??

maybe i'm just waiting for a reaction.....................??

fuck (sigh) yeah... whatever.

- Fall Out Boy "Sugar, We're Going Down" -

but it's not just my finish that's peeling, and it's not alone fleeing these walls

oh dashboard... we meet again...

ok, so i know i have problems, issues i need to work out. i understand this, and it's not that i don't want to deal with this, i do, just not everything all at once. i can only hold so many things together at the same time before i start to come apart at the seams. sometimes i think i need to just run away from everything i have here and there and all that i've ever known... and just start over. and YES, i would miss a lot of people, and YES, i would think about coming back all the time... but jesus fucking christ... how many times do people have to let me down? no, more importantly, how many times after i'm let down will i get back up and ask for more? this is such bullshit, i know it is, i've always known it is. some things are just to good to be true and it's only a matter of time before you realize what's hiding underneath that killer smile. and you'd think that once i realized it i would have gotten the hell out of there. and yet i didn't. at least then i would have had a shred of dignity left. now i just feel like day old left overs. "i'm gonna take this home cause i'm SO gonna eat it later, for real this time!" yeah, my leftovers always end up in the trash, too. that was a really poor metaphor. i guess i just don't know what i'm talking about. i guess what i mean to say is that it isn't fair, that i deserved some sort of warning, i shouldn't have the whole world raining down on my head all at once. i'm not as fucking strong as you think i am, as i pretend to be! i have spots that my shell doesn't cover and you always find them. like a turtle on its back. it's all there for the taking. see this heart? it's still fucking beating. it's still beating and i'm still stupidly here and still waiting, for something! waiting for i don't even know what. waiting for a solution to a problem i don't even understand. maybe there's no solution because there's no problem. maybe there never should have been the chance for a problem to arise. i knew it didn't feel quite right. now i don't even know what to do with my feelings, not that i understand them. i don't know what to do right now, i'm like suspended in midair and i can't figure out how to move away. i need to get out of this fucking place. i thought an hour away would be far enough but i was wrong. i need to be 10 million miles away from here. i need to be away so that i don't ever have to hear your name again. i don't know what i could have done to inspire so much hatred, but whatever i did, i'm sorry. i sincerely hope that it's just your way of dealing with... everything.

all i know is that i cried tonight, A LOT, and that's gotta mean something.

doesn't it?

- Dashboard Confessional "Turpentine Chaser" -

if you want it, come and get it, crying out loud...

oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man!!!

so i found the tickets online today...! didn't do terrible else, i'm afraid... like the laundry i had all ready in my car, or going for that run i was planning on this afternoon... although i DID paint my nails BRIGHT friggin orange, very festive, don't you think? maybe a little early, but i don't really are. what else did i do?? oh yeah, Mr. Regular Army and i walked downtown to go to this farmer's market which ended up being pretty sad, actually. there were only three, er, farmers there. kinda lame.

and so you know what the tickets mean... my diet starts TODAY. cause now i have a dress to wear and everything. i'm gonna borrow one of S.D.'s cause she's the coolest. fuck... i'm so friggin nervous, too. it's been... shit, it will be two whole years in march. i don't think i look THAT much different from then... well, my hair is shorter, but other than that... fuck... i dunno. i'm like worrying myself sick. i'm not worried about how i look, i'm just plain nervous to see him at all, you know? like i don't even know how to react to seeing him for the first time again. i mean, do i just wave hello? shake his hand? casual hug? tear his clothes off? what do i do?

and what the fuck am i going to wear? (ok, that sounded really girly... but considering the situation, i think i'm allowed) i don't want to look like i'm trying too hard. so hair up or down? maybe just up, kinda messy, like i wasn't trying? i should probably get it trimmed before i go. and i totally need to get my eyebrows done. so hair up? earrings? or is that overkill? cause i never really wear earrings, only sometimes one in the cartilage of my left ear. and no jewelry. not that i really own any (don't even get me started). fuck! there is NO NEED for me to be freaking out about this. but you have no friggin idea how long i've waited for this. and it seems that all my preparation has left me... sadly unprepared. i don't know what to expect at all. i mean, the way it was left off the last time i saw him... but that was so long ago, and things are somewhat different now... and my nails will surely be bitten down to bloody nubs before i get off that plane.

i'll be there nov 8-15, if anyone is interested... fuck, i can't wait that long...

well, gotta run, cause it's almost 11 and i have like a million crunches to do before bedtime. and i need to work tomorrow morning... and my eyes are burning. and i'm just a big baby. ;)

also, FUCK GAMESTOP.

...

A quaS eafoaM 19: gay

ap0llo2113: ur gay!

A quaS eafoaM 19: your mom is gay

A quaS eafoaM 19: betcha didn't see that one coming

ap0llo2113: yes i did!

A quaS eafoaM 19: ................i was being sarcastic

"i'm kicking though the autumn leaves

and wondering where it is you might be going to,

turning back for home.

you know i'm feeling so alone..."

- David Gray "Babylon" -

she swears that soon she'll be coming back forever

so Mr. Regular Army and i finally finished the first season of Veronica Mars... which ended on a cliff hanger, of course. and the next season doesn't start until the 28th. bitches... two whole weeks away... they're gonna be tough.

...

there's a cat sleeping behind the computer monitor as i'm typing this. fucking adorable. :)

...

i remember this commercial i saw a few years ago about getting tested for AIDS and shit... actually, it might have been a Herpicin commercial, now that i think of it. but anyways, in the commercial, the infected people were all walking around with bright yellow shirts on that said HERPES or something on the front in big black letters, their disease known to everyone who looked at them. and the point of the commercial was, "wouldn't it be nice if it were this easy?" or something like that, i'm paraphrasing as usual. i might even have the commercial all wrong, but the POINT is that it got me thinking (just the other day, so many years after i saw this commercial), i wish there were shirts for EVERY infection, especially mental ones. don't you think that would be a good idea?

you can see it if you try, big black letters on yellow:

I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN THE CONVERSATION, I JUST WANT TO FUCK YOU AND THEN NEVER CALL YOU AGAIN.

or

AS SOON AS YOU'RE GONE FOR MORE THAN A WEEK, I WILL CHEAT ON YOU WITH A GIRL I JUST MET AND THEN MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY WITH HER AND NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.

or

I'M A SLUT AND I'M IRRESPONSIBLE AND CANNOT BE TRUSTED WITH ANYTHING AND EVENTUALLY I WILL FUCK YOU ON THE RENT AND THEN ONCE YOU'VE LOST INTEREST IN ME WILL I FINALLY DECIDE TO ACT LIKE A BOYFRIEND.

or

I AM INCAPABLE OF MAKING DECISIONS FOR MYSELF AND WILL TAKE ALL MY AGGRAVATION OUT ON YOU AND THEN SHRUG IT OFF BY SAYING, "THIS IS HOW I'M GONNA BE."

why don't you pick out your fucking shirt.

i think i deserved some sort of warning for the unacceptable behavior i was subjected to. FUCK YOU. fuck you if you've ever done anything other than be a good person to me. fuck you if you've ever hurt me by not telling me something or by telling me something that wasn't true or by NOT SAYING ANYTHING AT ALL. fuck you for hurting my feelings or making me wait or letting me believe in a life i didn't have. bad shit happens, BIG FUCKING DEAL. that does NOT give you the right to use me as your personal punching bag, as if my life has been all cotton candy and starry eyes and hand holding. maybe if you've been here all along you'd understand all the shit i've been put through.

and it's long like i can talk to you about it now. i don't want the lectures and i don't want you getting all condescending every time i bring up a mistake i've made. fuck you for not listening and understanding. or at least trying to.

and that's all ok, right? cause everyone has a right to be angry and everyone has a right to just fly off the handle and say a bunch of shit they might consider apologizing for later on. so no harm, no foul?

that's what i fucking thought.

...

(sigh)

and the search for tickets continues.

"on the other side of town a boy is waiting,

with fiery eyes and dreams no one could steal.

she drives on through the night anticipating

cause he makes her feel the way she used to feel..."

- Eagles "Lyin' Eyes" -

I do believe it's true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes

the cats are going crazy. it's funny to watch them zip around the house. they chase each other and wrestle and break things and i laugh. and Mr. Regular Army isn't here to soak them with the sink hose, so they can be extra crazy if they want. it's tough to be a kitty.

...

a longish conversation with someone last night before i crawled into bed... aw fuck... i don't know what to say. it's so wrong, but i enjoy him way more than i should. and everything he said last night, i really did appreciate, but he has no idea what's happened. i think (i know) i could have been so much happier if i'd met him first. i wish it i didn't matter!! (sigh) i'm just being stupid. i've been taking everything too seriously... but damn, i have so much fun with him. i thought crushes were supposed to end when you got out of highschool.

and i almost stole his sweatshirt. almost. :(

...

it was supposed to be monday and now here it is wednesday. i'm running out of things to do to keep busy. i painted my fingernails PINK last night and colored my hair a little again. today i have to drop a uniform off at the dry cleaners... yay. so call already!

...

work til 8, but then later tonight Mr. Regular Army and i are watching another couple Veronica Mars episodes. i'm embarrassed, but that show rocks my socks.

- Death Cab For Cutie "Soul Meets Body" -

and this is the moment that I live for

ugh, drill this weekend. can't wait for that fights over the AAR for AT last month. and it's too late now to tell them i can't go. i friggin hate the army. and i have to be absolutely PERFECTLY squared away this month, too, since i made such a big deal about the unprofessionalism of the senior enlisted during AT. such a shame, too... i totally don't have the motivation to do all that shit. they don't deserve it. i think i just might take off my rank in protest.

also, pool PT on the training schedule for sunday?? is someone joking??

...

so some strangeness in the past few days...

a new friend who's just enough emo without being annoying, a new card game, and the realization that i suck so much worse at cards than i thought (but still not as bad as CF)...

a new set of responsibilities at work and the promise of a raise, the opportunity to get a second job so that i can start saving hardcore (sigh)...

a REASON to save in the form of a cell phone number, an adorable little voice, and some paperwork (finally)...

an evening with Cin watching family guy, eating ice cream, and talking about boys, love notes, kissing, and everything else girls are supposed to talk about (incredibly random!!)...

a phone call out of the blue today, craziness back home, and pretending nothing ever happened (never felt so good)...

a house to myself (where the hell is my roommate??)...

a set of 10 dark blue toenails.

- Story of the Year "Anthem of our Dying Day" -

I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words...

an hour on the phone last night and i remembered why i wanted it in the first place. i mean, i guess it's normal to wonder, after so long, after NOTHING for so long... i'm not saying i doubted it, i was just worried that the feeling wasn't mutual. and i was scared to think i was holding on for the sake of holding on... cause this is what's keeping me going, and what if i was just waiting simply because i needed something to hope for? don't think that thought didn't cross my mind. but last night made me feel better, and he didn't want to get off the phone. went to sleep feeling lonely, but more complete.

it's just that he makes me crazy, i still can't stop thinking about him. Regular Army Man always finds some way to pick apart everyone i've ever dated, had a crush on, slept with, thought about maybe talking to, looked at for more than a few seconds (and so forth)... and still, my V.I.P is the only one i'll ever defend. ...that sounds kinda shitty. does it? but when you consider the calibur of men i usually end up with... i dunno. i suck at explaining things like this. what i mean to say is he's the most amazing person i've ever met... i want to be a good person again. and he makes me forget all the shit that's happened to me since i last saw him, cause none of it even matters. it hurt real bad but it was nothing, i was just passing the time. and i could walk away right now with no hard feelings. i could walk away right now without thinking twice. i really want this, i really want it all to work out the way i've been praying it will. this is all i really want for me. that time, for those few months... i've never been so happy in my life.

there are so many ways i could say, "he's the only guy who..." so i'll just say this: he's the only guy.

so consider this my "preemptive strike."

"so excuse me forgetting but these things i do

you see i've forgotten if they're green or they're blue

anyway, the thing is, what i really mean,

yours are the sweetest eyes i've ever seen"

- Elton John "Your Song" -