and it's times like these when we all need to hear the radio

I've been away for awhile. I have been very busy and I just... ran out of things to say.

I'm still working in the same place, Fort Dix, although now we aren't really Fort Dix anymore, we're part of the new Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst. It's weird having the Air Force in charge of the whole thing. They are not friendly toward Soldiers, which is upsetting. Working with the CPT is still the same; there are pretty good days and there are catastrophic days. I have 8 months and 15 days left on these orders, then - well, not too sure what comes then, but whatever it is, I'm confident it'll be great.

Tree and I are out of our beautiful rented lake house and into one nearby, that we own. Awesome, right? :/ I actually don't feel all that awesome about it. I mean, the house is great... I just kind of wish we hadn't bought it. Tree and I were talking about all the renovations we want to do today, and I asked him how long he thinks we'll be here. He said 5 years and my heart sank. I just want to be back in Massachusetts and be near my family and friends, and people with my accent and who love the Red Sox and the Patriots and know what a grinder is. I had planned on purchasing this house as strictly an investment property - fix it up while living in it for a year or so, then move back home and rent it out to someone working on Fort Dix. But Tree has really fallen for this place... it's heartbreaking to imagine myself here 5 years from now...

"cause from the lips of some old singer

we can share the troubles we already know"

- Elton John "Sad Songs (Say So Much)" -

who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints?

Alright, so this past weekend was pretty cool. Tree was away in MA for training and I had planned on doing what I always do when he's gone - sulk, eat tofu hotdogs for more days in a row than is probably healthy, and sleep with the bedside lamp on and a knife under his pillow. I know you're all jealous of how much my life rocks.

But I'd agreed, like a month ago, to go to the Eagles home-opener (vs the Saints) with a few people from work and had already paid for the ticket, so there was Sunday. And then Tea convinced me to go to the Delaware Sängerbund Oktoberfest in northern Delaware with her sister and a friend on Saturday. Not much time for sulking.

So Saturday I drove out to their house and we took the Prius into trashy Delaware. The Boozen Puken Oktoberfest was actually pretty cool, and if I go again next year, I'm totally going to buy a dirndl to wear there. You know, even though I'm not even a little bit German.

We drank some German beer (Märzen), ate a giant pretzel (didn't wait in line for the mustard though), had some more beer (of course), ate an apple streusel (cause we're fat), watched some Bavarian folk dancing (so cool), was hit in the shoulder by a flying stuffed parrot (didn't see who threw it at me, but now it's sitting in my bedroom). Drove back in awkward silence as Tea's sister made out in my backseat with her, ah, friend?

Sunday I got up a little earlier, picked up Ariz at brigade headquarters and drove out to Philly. We met up with the CPT, her boyfriend (both rabid Eagles fans), and one of the battalion SGMs, who happens to be a huge Saints fan. And even though I really didn't care either way which team won, I had a great, great time. Ariz and the SGM are hilarious together, and the CPT was actually really cool (she was a little drunk - we all were). The Saints ended up stomping the Eagles and like 3/4 of the stadium cleared out with 10 minutes left of the game. There's some loyalty, right?

We stayed until the end, which made leaving the parking lot rather difficult, but Ariz is also from MA, so he watched for openings in traffic and helped direct my asshole moves through the wall of cars. Haha. Massholes.

So not the weekend I planned, but a good one nonetheless. Friends are good.

Oh also, Tree had flowers sent to our house today. Adore that man. <3

it's sleeping in my memory

I'm feeling very overwhelmed today. Things were going great and then in the last week it all got fucked up.

I'm going to set aside, for the moment, the never ending nightmare that is my job. The CPT is never going to change; she'll be the worst boss/officer in existence right to my last day of orders. 353 days to go...

An ongoing issue at the back of my mind has been my parents' financial situation. Yoshi told me today they are behind on nearly everything and are now close to having the electricity shut off. It fucking kills me. My dad has his own construction business, and as home-buying slowed with the economy, so did building and renovations. What makes me so angry is that their situation is not their fault - they have not been irresponsible, they don't live beyond their means, they have not accumulated a ton of credit card debt, haven't spent lavishly on vacations or cars or anything. My dad just goes to work every day, pays his workers fairly, and my mother keeps the company books along with a part-time job. They are honest, salt-of-the-earth people who could not deserve less the situation they are in. But people aren't building much, and some jobs he'd started are now in limbo as the buyers ran out of cash. They are owed a good amount of money, but how can you tell that to the collection agency? And very few new jobs are coming in.

My dad asked Yoshi and I to fill out online applications for him to Home Depot, Lowes, etc because he's not good them and always gets frustrated. He's put his truck and motorcycle on Craigslist; it's the motorcycle that really hurts - it's such a big part of him. He's president of the Band of Brothers (Central Mass) Chapter of the Nam Knights. What does that mean for him if his motorcycle is gone?

I haven't talked to Tree, but I want to and am going to help. I know my parents won't take money from me, so I have to stick to bills that don't require me having to answer a lot of questions. I tried to pay their electric bill, but the company won't take payments over the phone, and I can't send a check without the account number. So I called the lumber company I know they have an overdue account at (almost $1100 I learned today) and paid $400. After I get paid this weekend I'm going to pay the rest. I don't know what I am going to say once my mother (who keeps impeccable books) realizes there is an unexplained payment. Hopefully she'll understand and just not say anything to my dad. Sometimes you do what you have to do, to take care of your family. I don't think I'm going to say anything to Tree, either.

There is another thing, but it's not really my story to tell. Perhaps I will be able to elaborate more later, but for now all I will say is that I love my sister and niece and would do anything to help them.

Then I found out today that the owners of my house, my big beautiful house, won't sell it for less than they paid - about $50,000 more than the house is currently worth. Our lease is up at the end of October and it makes me literally sick to my stomach to think of all the work we're going to have to do from now to then. Tree told the realtor we aren't interested in overpaying like a motherfucker, so she's going to look for other houses in the area. But shit - this place is fucking amazing, even with the work it needs. And we talked so much about plans for the garden next year, renovating different parts of the house, what our end vision for the place is... I just hope we can find something else, lakefront, so I don't regret losing this house for the rest of my life. We have put so much time and love into the house and yard already - we just planted 7 blueberry bushes like a week ago! I suppose that serves us right for getting attached to a house that wasn't ours, but fuck... I love this place so much I'm starting to cry over it again.

So in light of everything, maybe Tree and I should go back home? Gee, that's some timing, considering I just quit my GS job in MA and transferred into the New Jersey National Guard last Friday. Everything is awesome, right?

"and a rock feels no pain

and an island never cries"

- Simon and Garfunkel "I Am A Rock" -

I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run

I really don't want to get into the whole knock-down-drag-out horrible thing, but here's a (kind of too long) summary (I'll try to be as impartial as I can but honestly, I'm still fuming) of my mindblowing (not in a good way) weekend:

Our entire purpose for going home this particular weekend (last weekend) was to attend my friend Julaaay's wedding Saturday evening. Julaaay and I worked together at Shaw's for several years and now only sporadically keep it touch, but I still consider her a friend. Anyway, we received the invitation for her wedding and RSVP'd several months ago (as in, this was not a spontaneous decision to go to the wedding).

Saturday was also the date of Tree's mother's big summer cookout/graduation party for her fiance's daughter, who recently completed hairdresser school. Tree's mother knew we had this wedding to go to when she planned her cookout.

So Saturday morning we went to Tree's mother's house to spend a little time with her while she got ready for the cookout. We called on our way over to see what she wanted for breakfast (bagels and coffee, also some for her fiance's daughter, who didn't even acknowledge our presence, much less thank us for bringing her breakfast... but I digress) and took it to her as she was getting ready for the day. We ate, chatted, said goodbye. The understand was, as we drove away, that we would stop by her cookout after the wedding was over. She knew the wedding started at 5 pm.

(Full disclosure: she also trimmed my hair a little, at her house, to fix a mistake the last hairdresser had made... which really just led to another mistake: allowing myself to become indebted to her by letting her trim my hair. Next time I'll stick with the shitty cut.)

We got dressed, met up with Yoshi and Sharty, drove to the wedding. It was beautiful, Julaaay looked like a princess, and it was really nice to spend time with the old Shaw's crew. I missed them more than I'd realized.

But everything kind of took a long time. After they were married, the guests enjoyed a cocktail hour while the official party posed for photographs. Then we went upstairs to the reception hall, the official party was introduced ("...and for the first time in public, Mr. and Mrs..."), the bride and groom's first dance, and so one. It wasn't until 7:30 when we were first being served the meal. Then the best man/maid of honor toasts, then cake cutting... then the bride's dance with her father, the groom's dance with his mother, the throwing of the bouquet and the taking-off-of-the-garter thing. Then dollar dances with the bride/groom, a conga line (!!) and so on and so on. It took awhile. And even after the "traditional" part of all of it, I was having a nice time dancing with my sister and Shaw's friends. But could you really just get up and leave in the middle of it? Oh look at me, getting ahead of myself.

So Tree's mother screams at him over the phone while we're still at the wedding (it was right after the food was served), freaking out that we weren't at her cookout yet. I guess she expected us to split the night between the two events? I don't really know because (a) she talked to Tree, not me, (b) Tree had actually been talking to his brother when she took the phone and started yelling, and (c) was evidently really drunk. At least, that's what everyone keeps telling me (like it's an excuse?). She went on about how important the cookout was to her, how important it was to her that we be there, and how she feels blown off because we weren't there already.

That left Tree in a shitty mood for the rest of the wedding, so thanks! I didn't really get to enjoy my night, either.

Before it got out of control and while I was still only mildly annoyed at her reaction to Tree and me ATTENDING A WEDDING WE'D PLANNED ON FOR MONTHS, I texted her to apologize that the wedding was running later than expected. I tried to call also, but both went unanswered. She also stopped taking Tree's calls, so when we got out of the wedding (around 10:45 pm) Tree texted his brother to see if anyone was still at the cookout and to let him know we were on our way (we first had to drop off Yoshi and Sharty).

His brother texted back that we shouldn't bother because their mother was "really mad" and that it would just "be a big scene." So I'm sure we were the talk of the stupid cookout. Whatever.

The next day Tree tried to call her to talk it out, she initially didn't want to take his call, finally talked to him. He drove over to her house (alone) and tried to explain how unreasonable it was for her to get upset when she knew we had the late wedding and we told her still stop by afterward but that it would be late. We even offered to go to eat with her Sunday night to make up for it (not that it was our fault, but just to smooth things over) but no, the cookout was "really important" and blah blah. She also told him we only call her when we need something (an unshakable desire to... bring her breakfast?) and that she feels like we put her on the back burner by not making time to go see her the way we do Tree's dad and my parents/sister. (Except Tree's dad and my parents/sister don't try to guilt us into breaking plans with other people to spend time with them.)

I just can't fucking win. We went to go see her before the cookout and offered swing by both after the cookout and the following evening to make up for missing the bulk of the cookout. Not good enough.

I understand she wants to spend time with us, especially since we've moved and aren't in MA very often, but she's going about it ENTIRELY the wrong way. Behaving like this just makes me want to go see her less, because now the next time we are there it's going to be awkward, and I just don't feel like being in that situation. I'm really too old for the drama.

So now we get to be the bad guys with everyone because we "blew her off." My life is fucking amazing.

That was an inappropriately long "summary." Well, I don't care. Suck it.

"you tied my lead and pulled my chain

to watch my blood begin to boil"

- Johnny Cash "Rusty Cage" -

anyone can see my every flaw

Time for some early-summer reflecting...

So, a new baby and a new kitten - can you guess which one was a bigger deal?

I was perhaps a bit untruthful in my previous post when I said the kitten was to comfort Tree when my niece arrived; I find the little guy is comforting me as well. I won't lie and say a part of me feels left out of all the (fun?). My mom tells me about the adorable little booties she found in the attic that Yoshi and I used to wear. Yoshi wearily repeats her future M-I-L's most recent crazy declaration ("I would never tell my child Santa didn't exist, no matter how old they were. I would tell them Santa used to exist but that now he doesn't."). But then she has to go - The Little One needs to eat/be changed. Suddenly my artful arrangement of candles on my dining room table doesn't seem so captivating.

But quite honestly, I rationally don't want kids, like, full-time, if that makes sense. Like, today, I was searching for summer craft ideas online (more on this another time) and came across all sorts of cute things to make with a child. I was looking for more adult and permanent crafts, but the felt jungle and puppet theater made me a little sad. I would like little hands to help me cut the felt or pick out fabric! And I'd like my crafts to have some use, unlike the endless "good ideas" I've had (hand painted/stamped stone magnets, my WWII service trunk, handmade notecards, you can even throw Athena's in here...) that were superexciting for all of 5 minutes.

Wow, rereading, I kind of got away from what I was trying to say in that last paragraph. What I meant was, it would be great to help a child assemble a puppet theater, watch them put on a show or two (guess I'd have to help them make puppets, too), and then have them leave my house. Oh, but that's possible now that I'm an aunt, you say? Except I live 4 (or up to 7, depending on the hellish traffic jam that is the George Washington Bridge) hours away. And yes, Tree and I have talked about moving back home to be closer to family, but I was really unhappy in Massachusetts, and I don't want all my (adult) life decisions to be based on other's people's happiness while sacrificing my own (our own?). You know? My family is (I guess?) happy in MA, and who knows, maybe someday I'll want to return, but not right now.

Kind of getting off-topic again. Fuck! Anyway, maybe I could just volunteer at a preschool or a YMCA or something. Otherwise I fear I'm going to get overwhelmed by all the cool things I'm (missing out on?). Because I honestly do feel like I'm being left behind... I'll be 24 next month and Tree will be 26 in December...

TL;DR I'm torn on the whole "having a kid" thing. Fuck.

"I don't feel the way I've ever felt,

I know

I'm gonna smile and not get worried,

I try but it shows"

- Jimmy Eat World "Pain" -

I'm melting (I'm melting) like hot candle wax

So - I've been absent for a few days, I know, but really - VERY BUSY. (Update: I actually started typing this post three days ago)

And though I hate having to post an update list (boring?), here we go:

- To lessen the blow of my niece's upcoming birth, I let Tree get a kitten. Actually, that's a lie. We were at PetSmart to pick up some litter and the foster/adoption people were there - cats and kittens and puppies galore. Tree wanted to go check them out, and when one of the adoption ladies asked us if we were considering adopting or just visiting, Tree said, "Oh, both?" and I knew, fuck, I'm coming home with a cat.

I resisted getting a kitten because I know older cats are harder to get adopted and I really wanted to be able to help one of them, but after talking with the adoption people, they convinced us a kitten would be easier to introduce to our two possessive adult cats. And the adoption/foster folks don't destroy any of the animals, they assured me. So we came home with a little spunky ball of energy that went nameless for a few days, but is now Fiyero. I'll post some pics when he sits still long enough...

- Now that it's been warmer and every few days there is a full one without rain, Tree (aka Crash Bandicoot) and I have been spending more time working on the house. I started digging out some of our decoration-type things (still in boxes from when we moved here... last November...) and Tree has his garden. Today we pulled out these weird and horrible weed/tree things growing along the edge of our "beach" on the lake. It's really only like 2 feet of wet sand, but it was getting overrun by rooty plants that are obnoxious to pull up. We also re-staked the tomatoes, took stock of growing pumpkins (three so far!) and pulled weeds growing among the pepper plants. We've also been talking about all the things we want to do with the yard... it's a good sized one and there are a TON of weirdo plants the previous owners planted without rhyme or reason.

- And the best thing - a little niece!! She was born the 25th at 8:30 pm, 7 lbs and 4 oz. Tree and I made it up there in time to wish my sister Yoshi luck before the big moment. And a short time later, there she was (even though the bitchy nurses were kicking us out of the hospital)! She is so beautiful, I can't even tell you. I know everyone says that about babies they care about while everyone else looking at the baby thinks it looks like an alien (just kidding?), but this baby is freaking adorable.

Gah, I'm fucking exhausted. This post pretty much sucks but I don't want to come back to it later, so there ya go. I'll try harder next time. 'Night.

"lovely is the feelin now

I won't be complainin"

- Michael Jackson "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" -

'cause it takes me where I can't find...

So Tree will be home on Sunday (though I might end up meeting him in MA if the baby comes early!!), exciting, right? Well, I'm excited. I haven't had a good night's sleep in two weeks, nor have I eaten a decent dinner. For the past three nights I have had soy hot dogs. Now I'm so sick of them that I think they are ruined for me forever (joins root beer and black olives). But I literally can't bring myself to try making something else. I can make pasta and sauce, but that's about it really. I'd be like the worst housewife ever - like Peg on Married With Children. Good thing Tree (mostly) doesn't mind doing all the cooking.

What am I good at? Bullshitting, spending money, and making impulsive decisions. I'm actually supergood at these things. Also good at planning (though not so good at executing, hence the impulsive decisions).

But it's ok! Tree sends checks out for the bills and buys groceries, and I make sure we have awesome throw pillows and plenty of orchids. I can talk my way out of any problem/issue we are faced with and Tree reminds me of the value of being nice. Then sometimes he's too nice and I have to kick some ass. He agonizes and procrastinates and talks and talks and talks about doing something and then one day while he's at work I just do it without telling him. He's grounded and more rational but I keep things interesting (and way fun... mostly). He takes the cats to the vet/groomer as needed and I feed (wild) ducks and geese out on the lake (the cats adore him and kind of just tolerate me). He cleans the litter box and I do all the laundry (I even pair all his socks). I spontaneously spent $240 on my new haircut when he left for AT, and he asked me if it was ok to spend $89 to buy us a lawnmower.

It's kind of fucked up but hey, it works.

"I wonder which cup you'll drink from...

I hope it's mine"

- The Verve "Slide Away" -

hold me like this is the last time

Part I

"Nik, wake up! Wake up! Tree was just in an accident and his phone died! Are you awake?"

TD was banging on the door, and groggily, I sat up.

"Wha-"

"I don't know, he just called and said he was in an accident and then his phone went dead. I don't know what happened." He was breathless, still standing outside the closed door.

I don't remember getting out of bed or finding my phone, but then it was in my hand and I was dialing Tree, feeling numb, like that sensation right before you vomit but when you know it's coming. He answered right away, sounding panicky and far away.

"I'm- yeah. I'm ok. I rolled the Jeep. I'm ok."

He told me where he was and hung up. I threw on the jeans I'd worn the day before and a sweatshirt and went out into the living room, where TD was pacing around with a cigarette.

I found my keys and purse. "I don't know what happened, he said he's alright. He's near the clinic I guess." I jammed my feet into my shoes and added, unnecessarily, "I'm going there now." He nodded.

Down the stairs, driveway, into my car, the street. 

All I could think was fuck.

"when I wake up in the morning

and you're beside me..."

- Alicia Keys "Like You'll Never See Me Again" -

have another drink and drive yourself home

Update Medley:

Jan 8 - met with two members of the MPAD to discuss and put to bed the horrorshow of their MRX. They were both very polite, professional, and willing to listen to my perspective of the exercise. They had a few questions for me, offered some explanation for some of the things that had happened (much of it turned out to be misunderstanding/miscommunication), and gave suggestions for MRXs in the future. 

It felt good to talk face to face, in a neutral setting (vs the AAR), and get everything out. I even got a cookie and a coke out of the deal. (Thanks again!) Hopefully we can all put this behind us and meet again in peace someday.

You can read my previous posts on the aforementioned MRX here and here.

Jan 10-11 - traveled back to Massachusetts for Nibbey's birthday and Tree's drill. Nibbey's party was a hilariously great time at Sakura Tokyo (the waitstaff now hates us) with a table full of crazy, amazing people. It was the definition of what I miss about being at home. :(

My unit also had drill that weekend and even though I don't have to attend them (as I'm on Title 10 orders), I went up there to see everyone and remember what Guard life is like. It actually went pretty well; I was part of a group of 5 who went to Camp Curtis Guild for driver's training / PMCS classes. Kinda boring but ok. It was just great to catch up with V and remind the unit what my face looks like, ya know?

One small rotten spot on the day:

When we first arrived in morning, we all spent a few minutes shooting the shit in the lobby area of the armory. Signal R (you may remember him?) walked over, surprised to see me, and shook my hand with the usual "Hey how ya been?" Then he turned to the SGM and said, "Why is she here?" (Mind you, I'm not more than 4 feet away.) He launched into this whole speech about Soldiers getting confused about their chain of command [I currently have two: one in NJ and one in MA] and "playing" the leadership. He told the SGM (I'm still standing. right. there.) that if a Soldier is on Title 10, he or she should just stay put and not mess things up.

The SGM (bless him) kind of rolled his eyes and told Signal R that this tour is not unlike a tour with counterdrug or anything else: you aren't expected to come back for drill, but you are encouraged. Signal R was all "Really?" and the SGM kept on having my back. It was the weirdest thing.

Since there was a(nother) massive storm predicted for Sunday, the SGM told everyone not to come in and to instead make up the day some other time. Safety first, right?

Before I left, I stood in his office and talked about my future. I explained to him how much I'd like to go back for the PAOC mission in Baghdad, and he questioned whether that really was the best thing for my career right now. After all, he reasoned, since First Army is willing to send me to schools that would otherwise be difficult to attend, why not ride it out another year and set myself up to fast track (in promotions)?

It was a great, great conversation. I thought a lot about it as I drove back to Tree's father's house, thought about it some more on the ride back to NJ, thought about it all the following week...

Jan 12-15 - MRX for another MPAD, this one from Texas I believe. We got off on the right foot by having the entire unit and all of the training staff present for the welcome brief, which we rewrote to head off any similar problems we'd had in the past.

They gave us some great suggestions/improvements in the AAR:

- Provide graphics/music for the units to use in their newsreel. (this unit didn't have any, so finishing up the newsreel was difficult for them)

- Provide actual news stories to accompany the scenarios. (good idea; I'm going to write some this week)

- Draft new scenarios. (any officer who has attended PAOQC has already seen our scenarios as First Army had to purchase them from DINFOS, but the LT and I are going to make up some new ones for the next MRX)

- Provide opportunities for radio training (the Rs don't get this at our MRX, mostly because it is difficult to replicate here without a studio... but I'll look into it at least)

I also made note of a few more things to include in the mission brief: What specific training/help do you need from us? Does all of your equipment work? Are there any programs you are unfamiliar with?

It just seems that the unit always has a problem with something but it is never brought to our attention until the AAR, when it's too late to do anything. You only know how to edit using Avid software but your unit laptops have Adobe Premier? We can help with that. Your laptop sucks (1 Beyond is TERRIBLE) and the USB ports don't work? We can get you another laptop. You can't export to tape? Well, obviously you won't be expected to do a DVIDS transmission.

The MRX mission is secondary to getting the unit prepared to deploy. If at any time there is an issue, especially a technical one that is out of the journalist's control, we can pause the exercise and work something out. But we can't help if we don't know we're needed. It's frustrating... I hate that feeling of Trainer vs. Unit. Even though this last MRX went much smoother than the last one, there were still things that came up in the AAR that should have been addressed way sooner. Why does this happen? 

One thing is for sure: working here is no good for my self esteem.  :/

And now, time for a (stiff) drink.

"as if it happening wasn't enough

I got to go and write a song

to remind myself how bad it sucked"

- Brand New "Seventy Times 7" -

the girl got reasons; they all got reasons

The holiday... didn't end up being that bad, actually. A brief rundown of the festivities:

24. made the insanely horrible pre-holiday drive back to Massachusetts with the husbo. SEVEN HOURS LATER we arrived at his mother's house. There we all had a little informal dinner-thing (she thoughtfully made veggie lasagna especially for me) and exchanged presents. Afterward, we stopped for a short visit at my parents' house to do presents, then drove to Tree's dad's house and promptly fell asleep. Alcohol units consumed: two

25. had a really nice breakfast spread courtesy of Tree and his dad. Exchanged presents with his dad and brother, then went to my parents' house (again, and with Tree's dad) for food. My sister and her bf came to eat as well and we all had a (surprisingly) enjoyable time. Ate, hung out, stuffed ourselves full of my mom's infamous lady finger cake. Mmmm. Alcohol units consumed: four

26. recovered in the morning and spent a few hours with Coug midday. Then Tree and I drove to Worcester to meet up with Angel and her son - checked out their new (to me, as I'd never seen it) apartment and then onward to Boston for Blue Man Group. Greatest. Idea. Ever. So much fun!! It is how I imagine being on acid must be like. Love. After the show, we searched for the elusive Hard Rock Cafe and (finally) found the damn place. Bought a new pin. Got home after midnight. Awesome. Alcohol units consumed: three

27. the day of two birthdays: my sister and Tree. We'd all (Tree, me, my sister and her bf, my mom and dad, Tree's dad, his mom and her bf and his two kids, Tree's brother and his gf) decided to merge the events into one, so we met at 5:30 and ate locally. My parents and Tree's dad are swiftly becoming actual friends and not just people stuck with each other because of their kids, and I love that. Friends = kick ass. Alcohol units consumed: three

28. showered, packed, said good bye to everyone, left around noon. SEVEN HOURS LATER (again) we got back to New Jersey, and, you guessed it, promptly fell asleep. Alcohol units consumed: zero

In related news, I need to dry out...

"don't turn away, what are you looking at?

he was so happy on the day that he met her"

- Stone Temple Pilots "Sour Girl" -

I'm tired of holding on to all the things I leave behind

Ok, well I know it's been quite a while since I've posted a blog - call it laziness, lack of inspiration, shell shock: I'm home.

A short breakdown of my activities / whereabouts:

Week 1: tried to sleep, with little success. Woke up more than a few times thinking I'd heard the duck & cover alarm. Had a recurring dream (nightmare?) that I'd misplaced my weapon [read: I no longer carry a weapon] and woke up sweaty, with my heart pounding.

Week 2: flew down to Florida with Coug and stayed with her mom. Went to Busch Gardens (it rained), tried to go swimming (started raining), enjoyed the best orange soft serve ever (while watching the rain) and managed not to get even a little bit of color (tan cancelled on account of... rain).

Went to a martini bar with Coug, her cousin, and a friend and managed to make a complete and utter ASS of myself. That night really deserves its own blog post, but I'll summarize in the interest of time: got trashed, ended up puking (up everything I think I've ever eaten) in the bathroom while people came in and out, commenting on the smell ("Is someone puking in here?")... had to be CARRIED outside where I proceeded to puke into the bushes and try to lay down in the mulch. Was carried to the car, laid on Coug's lap and physically could not unclench my hands (weird!), was carried into Coug's mom's house, and fell asleep in my clothes on top of the covers. I prayed for death - it would have been less embarrassing.

Week 3: occupied the couch and sulked. Continued having the dream about the missing weapon.

Week 4 (last week): went back to work at Joint Force Headquarters, Massachusetts National Guard. My sole accomplishment for the week (I'm not joking):


Well, I didn't want him to run away from boredom! We're in this together, Camel.

Really, I hate being back here. Sometimes I think that it's really changed; a number of my friends are either gone or are on their way out; the leadership is all new now and the changes they implemented while I was deployed are mostly less than enjoyable. And the walls upstairs have been painted a bright, mental hospital white that creeps me out everytime I walk down the hall to my office.

But then other times, I look around and marvel at how everything is exactly the same. There's still the same drama, same gossip behind everyone's back, same building full of broken deployment-dodgers. Don't mean to come off as a snob, but it's rather interesting I think that the majority of personnel in the HEADQUARTERS element of the MA National Guard have NEVER DEPLOYED. Aren't we, like, fighting a war?

And that's actually a part of the changes I was talking about: a number of officers in the system were not retained at the last retention board, and rumors has it that lack of deployment time was at least a partial factor in the decision to retain/not retain. Can't say I really blame the leadership... although my boss was one of those not retained, and he's a really great guy... but then everyone has their own backstory, right? You could probably plead a case for just about any of them. So where do you draw the line? 20+ years in the Guard, 0 deployments, 0 battalions commanded... I don't know. It makes me kind of sick to think about it. Obviously I'm a long ways away, but I cannot imagine having the rug pulled out from under me like that. One day they type up a memo saying I'm all done, mandatory retirement, GTFO - and then what?

Strange when you realize that your life so revolves around a single thing that you really think you might just die without it. Stranger still when you consider that you hate a sizeable chunk of this thing (the chunk being JFHQ, in case you aren't following).

I need to get the fuck out of here. I never should have left Iraq.

"...she said I need you to hold me

I'm a little far from the shore...

and I'm afraid of sinking..."

- Santana feat. Steven Tyler "Just Feel Better" -

wishing to be the friction in your jeans

argh...

so a few psycho 15+ hour days at work and now they've told me: GO HOME. ha... it's only been open since friday and already the wareham shaw's is starting to feel like home. and i've befriended the necessary management so that my time there will be easy and worry free. gotta get in with the right people, right?

what the fuck dude. for a second i felt really cool being able to say that, but then i realized i was talking about SHAW'S supermarket. i'm so fucking lame it kills me.

but anyways.

got back from wareham and talked to my Nibbey and decided to ditch out on the whole car-pooling to drill idea (don't really care to see Regular Army Guy right now anyways... i've had more of his condescending, better-than-you attitude than i can take... which is considerably awkward, considering i live with the guy...) and go visit some old friends back home. it ought to be good for me. lately i've been feeling a little confused and disenchanted about a certain situation... sing along if you know the words... (sigh)

but yeah so i'm gonna get my ass in gear now before all the beer is gone. kidding. or am i??

maybe i'm just waiting for a reaction.....................??

fuck (sigh) yeah... whatever.

- Fall Out Boy "Sugar, We're Going Down" -

if you want it, come and get it, crying out loud...

oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man!!!

so i found the tickets online today...! didn't do terrible else, i'm afraid... like the laundry i had all ready in my car, or going for that run i was planning on this afternoon... although i DID paint my nails BRIGHT friggin orange, very festive, don't you think? maybe a little early, but i don't really are. what else did i do?? oh yeah, Mr. Regular Army and i walked downtown to go to this farmer's market which ended up being pretty sad, actually. there were only three, er, farmers there. kinda lame.

and so you know what the tickets mean... my diet starts TODAY. cause now i have a dress to wear and everything. i'm gonna borrow one of S.D.'s cause she's the coolest. fuck... i'm so friggin nervous, too. it's been... shit, it will be two whole years in march. i don't think i look THAT much different from then... well, my hair is shorter, but other than that... fuck... i dunno. i'm like worrying myself sick. i'm not worried about how i look, i'm just plain nervous to see him at all, you know? like i don't even know how to react to seeing him for the first time again. i mean, do i just wave hello? shake his hand? casual hug? tear his clothes off? what do i do?

and what the fuck am i going to wear? (ok, that sounded really girly... but considering the situation, i think i'm allowed) i don't want to look like i'm trying too hard. so hair up or down? maybe just up, kinda messy, like i wasn't trying? i should probably get it trimmed before i go. and i totally need to get my eyebrows done. so hair up? earrings? or is that overkill? cause i never really wear earrings, only sometimes one in the cartilage of my left ear. and no jewelry. not that i really own any (don't even get me started). fuck! there is NO NEED for me to be freaking out about this. but you have no friggin idea how long i've waited for this. and it seems that all my preparation has left me... sadly unprepared. i don't know what to expect at all. i mean, the way it was left off the last time i saw him... but that was so long ago, and things are somewhat different now... and my nails will surely be bitten down to bloody nubs before i get off that plane.

i'll be there nov 8-15, if anyone is interested... fuck, i can't wait that long...

well, gotta run, cause it's almost 11 and i have like a million crunches to do before bedtime. and i need to work tomorrow morning... and my eyes are burning. and i'm just a big baby. ;)

also, FUCK GAMESTOP.

...

A quaS eafoaM 19: gay

ap0llo2113: ur gay!

A quaS eafoaM 19: your mom is gay

A quaS eafoaM 19: betcha didn't see that one coming

ap0llo2113: yes i did!

A quaS eafoaM 19: ................i was being sarcastic

"i'm kicking though the autumn leaves

and wondering where it is you might be going to,

turning back for home.

you know i'm feeling so alone..."

- David Gray "Babylon" -

close your eyes and I'll kiss you

wow... so...

and happy 4th.

...

this will be dull. i will not apologize. i am tired and i have to work in the morning.

so yesterday was one of the greatest in a long time... got to be a little redneck for the day (but now my poor shoulders and face are red!), saw an asshole c-list country singer perform a couple songs... but really it was the people that made it fun. went to Indian Ranch for the first time... man oh man. and some zany guy tried to teach us how to line dance. K-Dawg, Amanda-Pants, Sassafras and i had so much fucking fun... and i didn't even know any of the guy's songs. stuck around and then the pissed off American Idol wannabe signed my wife beater... left them and ended up at a bowling alley with CF. bowled three games ($35 friggin dollars later...) and went back to his house. i'd been nursing a headache all day, but almost as soon as we were in his room, i was just blindsided by it. my head hurt so bad i couldn't see. ended up staying at his house (there was no way i could drive like that), left this morning for new bedford. did some shit, drove back to whitinsville, chilled with CF and cleaned some more of the uxbridge apartment, my cell phone died. now i'm back in new bedford, tired as fuck, and i'm going to sleep now. maybe tomorrow i'll tell you all the things that were said today.

and i got a (real) kiss goodnight.

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Scar Tissue" -

maybe I just wanna fly

yeah.

so now my door handle is fixed... the guy at the garage is calling the Mitsubishi dealership today to get me a part to make the window work again. sucks trying to smoke through the passenger window when you're driving. i should just quit.

mmm... was going to say something... was thinking about it all day... YOU SEE?? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON'T WRITE IT DOWN!!

wow, work sucked. but only another 9 days... we'll see where i'm at after that... and yeah, it's a pretty shitty job... still, i'm gonna miss the people there like crazy. i'm gonna miss the craziness, the massive amount of unnecessary work, the redundancy, but mostly the people. i was a little ashamed to admit that fact to Mr. Regular Army... but he smiled and said, "why do you think i'm still in the Guard?"

good point.

wore my hair down today... it's getting so long. remember when all i could do was spike it? (shuders) it's nice to have hair again. and randomly someone asked me today if i surf. yeah. in Massachusetts, all the time.

man oh man... so last night was kinda odd. hung out a bit... CF made a date with me for friday night... ANYWHERE i want. he already knows where i want to go. watched some tv and he ended up staying the night... i dunno... he's fucking bipolar. but last night was nice. and i'm NOT going to base my existence on one night or one weekend or even one month. i'm still leaving in 9 days. and it's just one day at a time... i won't tell you what he said, but things are looking... not exactly up, but at least at a 75 degree angle or so. i dunno. we'll see.

and 6 more days til wednesday... and my soul to squeeze....

"maybe i just want to breathe

maybe i just don't believe

maybe you're the same as me

we see things they'll never see

you and i are gonna live forever"

- Oasis "Live Forever" -

for you I'd bleed myself dry

so i was like seven or eight or so and loved to spend time with my dad. he used to take me to the junk yard with him whenever he needed to find parts for whatever car he was working on at the time. he'd walk through the junk yard looking for a car to pull apart out of and i'd run off by myself, climbing into old school busses and sitting in the driver's seat, pretending to drive through a sea of cars. i wouldn't mind getting covered in dirt or that my jeans would have smudges of motor grease on the knees.

one time while we were there looking for a part an ice cream truck came by and the owner of the junk yard, who was friends with my dad, bought me an ice cream and i thought that was the coolest thing because i've never seen an ice cream truck before, i mean, other than on tv. that's what happens when you live in the rural-ist of rural towns.

i miss hanging out with my dad... (and not just for the ice cream)

- Coldplay "Yellow" -

but I still don't miss you yet

the computer at my house has a virus, so unit it gets fixed, my entries will be infrequent i'm afraid. sorry to my (dwindling) fan base...

i know it is friday, but let me tell you about my weekend. actually, the weekend itself isn't all that important, it's the details that made a difference.

so i went to cape cod for an assignment with this other guy from my unit. he has a... strange... sense of humor that i still haven't gotten used to. he's a former regular-army type, and the more i get to know him, the more i'm convinced he's got some cross to bear. he kept making mildly-sexist remarks directed at me, but just vague enough to make me wonder if i was overreacting. i'm not sure whether he's my new best friend or if i hate his superior "6 year AFN veteran"-yet-i'm-still-a-specialist guts. he says "bitchin" a lot.

but.

he drives a shitty, nasty car. we stopped at starbucks and he got a coffee, too. he was sad that my frappuccino had chocolate chips in it and he didn't have any chocolate. he ordered his steak medium-rare. we took a long walk through this little outdoor mall (which reminded me eerily of maryland) and talked about books and who should control the nirvana catalogue. HE DROVE PAST A WRONG WAY SIGN IN A BANK PARKING LOT.

i hate him.

someone slap me.

- Three Days Grace "I Hate Everything About You" -

like indecision to call you... and hear your voice of treason

ah yes, NOW i remember what a keyboard looks like.

(waves away dust cloud)

hope this thing still works...

so friday night SloB came back to massachusetts. he's stationed at Fort Drum in NY, but he lived here before he enlisted, and now that he's home from his year in afghanistan, he took leave and drove down here to see his family and friends.

let me interrupt to put out there that i HATE this man, and the only reason his worthless existence even enters my thoughts is because he's friends with Rico and BB for one, and two, he's married to one of my semi-friends from highschool, who is actually closer friends with K-Dawg. so i sort of have to accept the fact that he's alive.

so. friday night and i was at the apartment with Rico and BB and BB's latest weekend girlfriend, and SloB was supposed to be coming over later. i drank a few and fell asleep kind of early, maybe around midnight or so. i had to work saturday morning, so i didn't want to be too hung over / still trashed on my ride to work.

around 3 in the morning i am woken by loud obnoxious drunken yelling from the tv room. Rico sleeps through almost anything, so i punched him until he woke up and told him rather rudely to go see what the fuck was going on. so he got up, opened his door, and yelled down the hallway, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The Noisy Bitch, who was making all the ruckus, proceeded to yell back, "FUCK YOU, DUDE! IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT!" so then he yells back "FUCK YOU IT'S MY GODDAMN HOUSE! BE QUIET OR GET THE FUCK OUT!"

there was continued yelling back and forth between them after that until SloB intercepted. he stood in the doorway to the room we were in and tried to defuse the situation, promising to keep her quiet.

i found out from BB the next night that SloB's idea of keeping The Noisy Bitch quiet was by fucking her in BB's room. niiiiiice.

...

and by the way, i was contacted again two days ago by my Restricted Caller, previously mentioned a few entries ago. except she was posing to be someone else... the (instant message) conversation is as follows:

his sn: HEY

me: omg, hi

his sn: WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

me: not much, you?

his sn: ___ IS PISSED AT ME

me: i coulda told you that after she fucking called me

his sn: i know

his sn: what do you think i should do?

me: about?

his sn: ___

[by this point i had realized that this was not the person they were claiming to be, due to typing style - all caps, then all lowercase - and the obvious lack of... i dunno... personal touch? this is not how you start off a conversation with someone you supposedly care about and haven't spoke to in two months without letting them know why.]

me: prove this is you

his sn: you go by elocin

me: more than that

his sn: like what?

his sn: look if you are going to give me a hard time also, i don't want to talk to you

me: i'm not

me: i just want to be sure you're you

his sn: just forget it

me: no

his sn: whatever

me: what diable2 character do i play with?

me: diablo2*

[long pause, no response]

me: nice try, whomever you are

[another pause, and then:]

his sn: how about the ring? prove anything...?

me: um, nope

me: look, i already told you i'd go away, i haven't called, haven't done anything. so there's no reason to harass me

me: and he ended up with the ring by accident, i sent an email with my address asking for it back, i don't know what else you want from me.

[pause]

his sn signed off at 4:39:00 PM.

the mean side of me thinks i should have played along a little, or maybe told her all the things he's told me and what he's said about her. and maybe i won't have to wear this scarlet fucking A on my chest alone, because damn fucking straight i'm not the only person in the *wrong* here. and i'm sick of carrying the repercussions of our actions by myself.

how's that for a "growling puppy"???

...

ha! my dad just asked me about the scratches on my car, the ones from backing into the plow...

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -

please tell me why... my car is in the front yard, and i'm sleeping with my clothes on

my sister and i washed my car in the driveway the other day when i was relatively warm out (65 degrees) and my dad came outside and sat on the steps and watched. he asked me about a little quarter-sized dent in the hood, and then claimed he could pick out a new dent or scratch on a car from quite a distance, even in the dark.

i wonder, then, how long it will be before he notices that i backed into his plow a few nights ago. for the west-coast portion of my audience, a plow would be an attachment for a truck or SUV which pushes snow off the road, out of the driveway, etc. you know, snow? white and fluffy? cold? falls from the sky?

lol

- Lit "My Own Worst Enemy" -

sunday, bloody sunday

well. i don't know what to say even to myself to sort this all out and make it "reasonably" understandable to the rational adult.

adult? that would require taking responsibility for one's actions, wouldn't it? ugh. i'm so disgusted with myself. how could i have let it get this bad? how is ti that i can build my world up out of lies and still sleep at night? i've become that person i swore i could never be. i'm taken by the urge to tear out my hair and collapse into tears. but would that solve anything? or would it just give me TEMPORARY SATISFACTION, like every single fucking decision i've made lately?

i need to stop going back in time and look to the future instead. how can you right the wrongs done so long ago? why is it that every time i get hurt i feel the need to strike back, or avenge my broken heart, and punish those who hurt me? even after the mess has been solved... what am i doing to myself? what am i doing to Rico? of all the people i could hurt... why him? i do love him so much, and i've done so much to push him away and break his trust and kill his feelings that it's a wonder he still talks to me at all. i hate myself for what i've done to him.

and what of the Squire? IS IT just convenience? what will happen once i leave maryland and go back to massachusetts? what life am i returning to? and what, exactly, am i leaving behind? so frustrating how he can retreat into his shell and shut me out. it's almost shocking how alike the Squire and i are... both so good at fooling people. but two people constantly hiding and spinning alternate lives are no good for each other. we read each other too well. he's pure evil. i've never met anyone who could see right through me.

but that's not to say the feeling isn't mutual. yea, i know he never left alicia, that he still talks to her and whispers that he loves her and that everything will be ok. but am i angry? no, not really. when you don't set your expectations high, it's hard to be disappointed.

i've had enough of this. i want to be a good person, i'm tired of the deception. and i'm tired of sitting pondering how i became this way because it's no better than not doing anything at all. i've become so lazy. i'm through with this life.

so another evolution... i suppose this must be number five or six for me. strip off the skin, all the evilness, and lie naked and exposed until i can develop into a normal person with functional feelings and a functional heart. i don't want to hate myself anymore. i guess the fact that i recognized this inner ugliness should be some source of hope for me. i guess my heart isn't as frozen over as i'd thought...