it's like forgetting the words to your favorite song

2010

I've been very bad at keeping this updated in the last few months. I could say I've been too busy, but actually I've spent an embarrassing amount of time on the couch. I think it's just that I ran out of things to say, got bored with my own thoughts, couldn't find any inspiration, I don't know. I look around my life and see a lot of areas for improvement, but now that I'm actually looking, it doesn't seem so overwhelming as I'd thought.

I've realized a few things in my hiatus:

- I really love anti-folk.

- I have the most amazing husband. Seriously.

- We belong in New England. Now that I've accepted it, and knowing that we'll eventually get back there, makes me feel a whole lot better about living in New Jersey.

- I should be a veterinarian. It makes more sense and resonates with me deeper than anything ever has, even being a Soldier.

- The Army is not the solution to all of my problems. I do not need the Army to make me somebody; I can and, in time, will stand on my feet without it (see above).

I won't call them resolutions, but my goals for 2010 are:

* drop the rest of my 15 lb post-deployment weight

* less Facebook, more Wii Fit (see above)

* BCC on my way to Rutgers on my way to Tufts

* more tasting, more adventures, more crafts, more fresh outdoor air, more reading, more ambiance, more kisses, more photographs, more doing

...

This felt really good. I'd forgotten how much I love to write.

"you can't believe it, you were always singing along"

- Regina Spektor "Eet" -

oh momma, I've been years on the lam

Dear Blue House (old house),

We had big plans for you, and I truly regret we won't have the chance to see more of those become a reality. Thank you for providing a surprisingly cooperative garden and for offering such a stunning view of the lake. We've decided to leave behind the 7 blueberry bushes we purchased and planted where the yard monster used to lurk, so try to pick a family that will take pleasure in fresh blueberries in their cereal. I'll miss your bizarre quirks - the mismatched lighting, the mismatched wall treatments, the mismatched doors/door frames, the questionable paint colors, the awful "seashore" theme - because, while these quirks both frustrated and baffled me, I can appreciate the charm in a house that Jack built. And despite your faults - the leaky skylights, the backed up plumbing, the creepy neighbors - I will remember you fondly. Farewell, friend.

Dear Cats,

I'm sorry to move you for the, ahem, sixth time, but I think you will like our new home. You will miss having the screened-in porch to sun yourselves and watch birds, I know, because I will too. That, I think, will be one of the hardest things to lose. But you will learn to love this new house, I promise.

Dear Tree,

What can I say but thank you. You've proved to be more understanding than any human should be, and the work you have done to take us on this new adventure has not gone unnoticed. You have been strong and supportive every step of the way, from making the first scary call to the realtor to sitting down with the huge scary loan packet awaiting a hundred signatures. I couldn't imagine a better co-conspirator, or more importantly, a better husband.

Dear Half-Brick House (new house),

I won't say much, because we aren't even moved in yet, but know that things are going to be strange for the first few months. I know I'm probably going to feel a little resentful for awhile, but don't be offended, it's just that I'm still missing my Blue House. Don't worry, though. We've got plans for you, too. ;)

"the jig is up, the news is out
they finally found me"

- STYX "Renegade" -

always living in the final hour, there is always sweet in the sour

I am elated, dizzy, glowing, spinning - I am vibrating so fast now, I am a blur against the dusty sky - can you see me? I'll always exist in the places that I loved: I'll be there at the counter of the Green Bean, ordering my usual spiced chai latte. You'll see my wet hair and tired eyes, makeup-less face turned toward the screens to watch the BUA every morning. I'll be there out front, between the pillars, a cigarette frozen in my hand, watching the birds dip and chatter into eternity. I'll be out by the pool, enjoying dinner beneath the palm trees. You can find me leaning back in my chair while collecting my thoughts, then rocketing forward to fire off a perfect email, the perfect response. I'll throw a blue football at you if you aren't paying attention, but mostly I'll be there in the MOC juggling the phones, putting out fires, networking, keeping it together. You might see me hurrying by in the hallways of the palace with my camera gear and body armor, cursing at my watch. You'll catch a glimpse of me on the front balcony, listening to my iPod and pointing out flares over the landing zone. Later I'll be walking slowly back to my trailer, enjoying the sandy quiet of night.

And you'll see me at the Rhino stop, crying, because this is the tragically unfit ending for the greatest thing I have ever been a part of.

We've all been afforded the same opportunities, he said - and I agreed with him without really considering it. Today I thought about that a lot, and decided that I'm a damned fool for not pushing harder. OWT at Fort Dix is good, but not good enough, and I never should have been content to settle for what is easy.

...but for now, grit my teeth and make it through. Falling to fucking pieces is only making it harder. I'll get this right next time - MNF-I hasn't seen the last of me.

- Wolfmother "Joker and the Thief" -

the silence in black and white falling forward as she walks toward the light

...so it's done.

and we cried and cried and held each other and cried some more... but it's done.

we were laying on his bed and i was crying and he rolled over and said, "hey, calm down, i'm not breaking up with you right now." and i said, "i know. i'm breaking up with you."

he kind of sucked in a breath.

he asked me if it was really what i wanted to do, if i understood that now there's no going back to us... and i said yes, and he hung his head but didn't beg me to change my mind. he pulled me into his lap and told me again and again how much he loves me and how he really knew this had to happen. he apologized for ever letting shit get fucked up, and told me how he wished we could have been good from the start. he wiped my tears on his sleeve and stroked my head and cried and cried. he wanted me to stay the afternoon so we could talk but i told him i couldn't, and he understood. my god, i love him, i really do... we just can't keep doing this to ourselves. we just can't be together anymore... and if i didn't do it, it was only a matter of time before he did. i want to be happy again, i want him to be happy. we cried but there were no hard feelings. when i left we were both still crying, neither of us wanted to let go... but we did. he kissed me goodbye and hugged me tightly and then stepped back so i could go.

it was the best breakup i could have ever hoped for.

(tears)

i think i need some time to myself now.

- Hawthorne Heights "Niki FM" -