23 February 2004

I'm just a sucker with no self esteem

so there's this person... and... he makes you smile. more than that, though, you laugh so much it hurts your head. you've always been completely comfortable in your depression, but all of the sudden, it's not so appealing. smiling is kind of nice.

he likes spending time with you, which might not seem so remarkable, except you don't think very much of yourself. and because he's so amazing. and you sing in the (public) shower before you leave for the day to see him. and you are so NOT delusional.

you go a whole weekend without turning into a grade-A bitch from nicotine withdrawals... cigarettes just weren't that important. and you only really complained because you felt you had to. because it make you feel better about voluntarily giving them up... because you don't normally do anything for anybody. not because you are selfish, but too many people have tried to change you, and you're tired of being squished into one mold after another. but this is different, this is voluntary. you - gasp! - don't mind changing a little, especially when there's a logical reason to change. and because, for the first time ever, someone cares whether you change or not. it's a new feeling for you.

and you don't want to fight with him, and he's so damn smart. you can have intelligent conversations ad not have to dumb everything down for him to understand. that sounds kind of conceited, but maybe it's more of a reflection of the guys you've been involved with.

ok, so you've made a lot of bad choices in your life. that being sad, how is THIS not an equally bad choice? you could be ruining someone's life. of you two opinions of this, how can you follow the selfish half and disregard the moral half?

but "you," of course, i mean me.

and he's cute. and he smells good. and he's a good kisser.

if only it were so easy to just follow your heart. but murphy's law, right? whatever can go wrong, will go wrong? that's kind of a stretch... what i mean to say is i fucking love how this situation can be so wonderful and so horrible at the same time. the duality frustrates me... "frustrates" is putting it mildly. i want to run away screaming, or break something, or make someone hurt the way i do. and there i go feeling selfish again. it's good to be home.

i'm afraid i'm going to lose someone who actually matters to me.

- The Offspring "Self Esteem" -

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