so Rico. my feelings for him are so complicated they don't even make sense to me. and they certainly cannot be summed up in a single word - *love*. i don't like that word, anyways. it is thrown around far too carelessly these days, and people use it as a tool to manipulate. and it seems more important to buy someone a card and some chocolate rather than develop a healthy, functioning relationship with them. trade chocolate for communication? money for feelings. growing cynical? i think i might be...
back to Rico. i don't like the word *love*, but i guess i don't have a better word to describe it. he is my universe. he makes me feel little and soft, and SAFE. like a girl again. i can talk to him without fear of judgement. i've never felt this way about anyone else. i would trust him with my LIFE. it's so much more than the childish, make-believe relationships i've had in the past, in which being *in love* was more important to me than who the person was. disgusting! but with Rico it's so much different. he is my heart in human form.
but as with all things in life, this is not a perfect situation, although i really wish it could be. we've both changed a lot, and done things to profoundly hurt each other: i had the Squire, he had LH. the fact that the playing field is level doesn't make it any less painful; in face, i think it makes it worse. how could we both be so evil? we promised never to stray. we promised to stay together through everything, no matter what. ugh. two frightened kids clinging together... but it worked! at least for a time. neither of us had anywhere else to go, and while i can't completely speak for Rico, i know that since i've never had a similar relationship, it was that much harder to let go of. nothing is perfect. the honeymoon was over and we got tired of each other. we alternated between the extremes: passion and fury. something had to give. and it did. and that kills me.
Rico and i have always had a way of clawing our way out of the ashes and recovering. we have been doing much, much better lately...
ugh. more to follow.
- Nirvana "Drain You" -