24 February 2004

that's the sound of a bottle when it's hollow

today's lesson: familiarity (is this a word?) isn't always a pleasant feeling.

they were talking about going to baltimore this weekend, our last weekend, and getting smashed together before we all leave. the whole conversation made me kind of sad. he asked me why alcohol must be present to make a significant occasion; i.e. leaving for basic training, new year's eve, valentine's day... it's funny how my "logical" line of thinking was to celebrate graduation with some liquor. but that was my life, that's how i did things. someone's birthday? the liquor store closes at 11. anniversary? let's get so trashed we don't remember anything we did. graduation? i'll call a buyer. boxing day? flag day? kwanzaa? friendship day? day of the week ending in y? bring on the booze.

maybe it's a good thing i'm not 21. less of a temptation, right?

ok now, let's be honest. being underage never stopped me before. and if i really wanted to drink this weekend, being underage wouldn't stop me now. (sigh) i am so annoying. being under 21 has nothing to do with anything. i'm just making excuses to cover the fact that i'm doing something i'm not completely comfortable with.

you know, my conversation with Rico last night was really tragic. we were talking about me going back to massachusetts (this was before i explained my *complete* plan) and he mentioned going and buying all the celebratory alcohol ahead of time. i told him i wasn't so sure about it and to not go ahead and do that, and he lectured me for about 20 minutes for not being interesting. he said that one of the things that had initially attracted him to me, and one of the things he loves about me is how "wild" i am. and how i am "willing to take risks." he basically said that if i cut drinking out of my life, i wouldn't be a good time anymore. i try to make a responsible decision and Rico tells me i won't be entertaining and that it's a bad idea.

he went on to say that i wasn't talking like myself, that it wasn't really me saying all that. (sigh) i'm too tired to rant about how much that proves he's an asshole... i think it's pretty much common knowledge now. wonder why it was always so easy for everyone else to see but it took me 2 1/2 years to begin to realize it.

so then i told him what i plan for graduation and the days following... and he told me he can't talk to me anymore, ever. he told me it would hurt more than he could deal with. we argued until 11, then i hung up on him and shut my phone off and went to bed. this morning there were 6 messages in my voicemail from him.

(shrugs) ...so now what? (blinks)

incidentally, my "comfort cocktail" (emode.com) is a southern sparkler, which consists of 1 1/2 oz of SoCo, 1 oz of grapefruit juice, 1 oz of pineapple juice, and some club soda.


there. i'm done. happy now, my VIP?

- Eminem "Drug Ballad" -

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