08 February 2004

sunday, bloody sunday

well. i don't know what to say even to myself to sort this all out and make it "reasonably" understandable to the rational adult.

adult? that would require taking responsibility for one's actions, wouldn't it? ugh. i'm so disgusted with myself. how could i have let it get this bad? how is ti that i can build my world up out of lies and still sleep at night? i've become that person i swore i could never be. i'm taken by the urge to tear out my hair and collapse into tears. but would that solve anything? or would it just give me TEMPORARY SATISFACTION, like every single fucking decision i've made lately?

i need to stop going back in time and look to the future instead. how can you right the wrongs done so long ago? why is it that every time i get hurt i feel the need to strike back, or avenge my broken heart, and punish those who hurt me? even after the mess has been solved... what am i doing to myself? what am i doing to Rico? of all the people i could hurt... why him? i do love him so much, and i've done so much to push him away and break his trust and kill his feelings that it's a wonder he still talks to me at all. i hate myself for what i've done to him.

and what of the Squire? IS IT just convenience? what will happen once i leave maryland and go back to massachusetts? what life am i returning to? and what, exactly, am i leaving behind? so frustrating how he can retreat into his shell and shut me out. it's almost shocking how alike the Squire and i are... both so good at fooling people. but two people constantly hiding and spinning alternate lives are no good for each other. we read each other too well. he's pure evil. i've never met anyone who could see right through me.

but that's not to say the feeling isn't mutual. yea, i know he never left alicia, that he still talks to her and whispers that he loves her and that everything will be ok. but am i angry? no, not really. when you don't set your expectations high, it's hard to be disappointed.

i've had enough of this. i want to be a good person, i'm tired of the deception. and i'm tired of sitting pondering how i became this way because it's no better than not doing anything at all. i've become so lazy. i'm through with this life.

so another evolution... i suppose this must be number five or six for me. strip off the skin, all the evilness, and lie naked and exposed until i can develop into a normal person with functional feelings and a functional heart. i don't want to hate myself anymore. i guess the fact that i recognized this inner ugliness should be some source of hope for me. i guess my heart isn't as frozen over as i'd thought...

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