17 February 2004

drifting and floating and fading away

hmmm... where to start...

friday was frustrating because the plans i had made were cancelled on me at the last minute. thanks Squire. in my annoyance, i called Rico and asked him to come se me. that's kinda shitty, i know... but sometimes things happen for a reason, i think. cliche, i know. my mind is feeling rather lazy tonight, and i have nothing better to offer. IRREGARDLESS, Rico took the time off from work and agreed to come visit. thus began one of the greatest weekends of my life.

Rico got to maryland at about noon on saturday. we drove around aimlessly until 3, when we could check into the hotel. it was amazing, though, because most of our relationship has been spent apart... his (marine corps) basic training, then MCT, then MOS training in california... he was gone for 9 months straight. a year together, then i left for basic in august... and other than exodus and this past weekend, i haven't seen him since this summer. every time we saw each other after time apart, it was always awkward, like we had to get to know each other again. not this time. his lips felt the same on mine, the smell of his clothes was familiar, and falling asleep in his arms was effortless. i loved every second of it.

we spent a lot of the time on the balcony of the hotel room just talking and looking at the sky. there was the most amazing sunset saturday night... i don't always like to admit it, but there's a few ounces of romance to be found in my blood stream. anyways, we DID NOT argue, and it was fucking wonderful. i don't even know how to describe how it made me feel... untouchable... weightless... happy. this was SOOO good for my soul, i can't even begin to explain it. i needed him. i'm going to marry this man.

forgive me for *another* cliche, but as this chapter opens, another respective chapter comes to a close. the Squire and i are so done... i just lack the ability and the words with which to tell him. we were just fooling each other; it was doomed from the start. i'm just sorry that we let it get so far that now it's going to be hard to say goodbye. but i love Rico, i can't do this to him. infidelity is such an ugly thing, i won't put him through it.

courage, anyone??

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Porcelain" -

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