06 July 2009

anyone can see my every flaw


Time for some early-summer reflecting...

So, a new baby and a new kitten - can you guess which one was a bigger deal?

I was perhaps a bit untruthful in my previous post when I said the kitten was to comfort Tree when my niece arrived; I find the little guy is comforting me as well. I won't lie and say a part of me feels left out of all the (fun?). My mom tells me about the adorable little booties she found in the attic that Yoshi and I used to wear. Yoshi wearily repeats her future M-I-L's most recent crazy declaration ("I would never tell my child Santa didn't exist, no matter how old they were. I would tell them Santa used to exist but that now he doesn't."). But then she has to go - The Little One needs to eat/be changed. Suddenly my artful arrangement of candles on my dining room table doesn't seem so captivating.

But quite honestly, I rationally don't want kids, like, full-time, if that makes sense. Like, today, I was searching for summer craft ideas online (more on this another time) and came across all sorts of cute things to make with a child. I was looking for more adult and permanent crafts, but the felt jungle and puppet theater made me a little sad. I would like little hands to help me cut the felt or pick out fabric! And I'd like my crafts to have some use, unlike the endless "good ideas" I've had (hand painted/stamped stone magnets, my WWII service trunk, handmade notecards, you can even throw Athena's in here...) that were superexciting for all of 5 minutes.

Wow, rereading, I kind of got away from what I was trying to say in that last paragraph. What I meant was, it would be great to help a child assemble a puppet theater, watch them put on a show or two (guess I'd have to help them make puppets, too), and then have them leave my house. Oh, but that's possible now that I'm an aunt, you say? Except I live 4 (or up to 7, depending on the hellish traffic jam that is the George Washington Bridge) hours away. And yes, Tree and I have talked about moving back home to be closer to family, but I was really unhappy in Massachusetts, and I don't want all my (adult) life decisions to be based on other's people's happiness while sacrificing my own (our own?). You know? My family is (I guess?) happy in MA, and who knows, maybe someday I'll want to return, but not right now.

Kind of getting off-topic again. Fuck! Anyway, maybe I could just volunteer at a preschool or a YMCA or something. Otherwise I fear I'm going to get overwhelmed by all the cool things I'm (missing out on?). Because I honestly do feel like I'm being left behind... I'll be 24 next month and Tree will be 26 in December...

TL;DR I'm torn on the whole "having a kid" thing. Fuck.

"I don't feel the way I've ever felt,
I know
I'm gonna smile and not get worried,
I try but it shows"

- Jimmy Eat World "Pain" -

5 comments:

Angel said...

Oh dear....I saw this coming. It hurts my heart that you're this torn. Just remember that you need to do what it best for YOU - NO ONE ELSE...and those who truly love & care for you will support your decision...no matter what that might be.

Malibu Niki said...

It really sucks. I'm afraid if I commit either way, I'll regret it later... but not committing is driving me crazy.

My mom's told me many times that every mother is a single mother, no matter her relationship status. And she's been married to my dad for nearly 30 years! But she always reminds me that no one will be as careful, watchful, thorough, etc with a child than his/her mother.

Tree is a great husband, but I can see what she means. Is he going to recognize diaper rash and take care of it or just give the baby a bottle to stop crying? Not that I think he'd be a shitty father or anything, not at all, but do you know what I mean? I can see him saying, "Oh, I didn't even realize..." the same way he says, "Oh, I didn't even realize the litter box was overflowing."

And do I want that work alone, on top of everything else?

I don't know... what was your experience when Patrick was small and new?

Sigh.

Angel said...

When Patrick was a baby I technically was a single mom - his father was very detached from the baby, both physically and emotionally. I literally did EVERYTHING - anything he did, I practically had to force him to do. I was exhausted, depressed, panicky, broke, terrified...but at the same time, just having that little boy smile at me...knowing that he was going to be MY son forever, made all the sleeplesness, tears & anxiety worth it...that smartass, sarcastic, body hair sprouting, adorable boy is my legacy to the world, my immortality.

And truthfully, babies are far more vocal than cats. If the litterbox is full, a cat will just find somewhere else to go. If its hungry, it will root around in the trash or find food somewhere else. A baby...well, if the baby had to have its diaper changed and Tree stuck a bottle in its face...it would NOT stop crying. It would actually spit the bottle out and keep screaming. Plus, the baby would be a part of Tree and you, & I think - I THINK - he would be not only attentive but you would probably have to fight him for time with the baby as I don't think he would ever want to put it down.

Either way, its a decision that is permanent - you can re-home a cat if you don't have enough time/resources to take care of it properly or just decide, "hey, I don't really like cats". A child...thats for life. That's why I'm glad that you're doing all this soul searching and thinking now BEFORE you take the leap into parenting. Personally, I think you'd be an amazong Mom but you have to do what is it best for you...as I said...no one else.

Colleen Hickey said...

Hi, I just found you so you don't know me, but I was torn at your age too, and only stopped being torn a couple of years ago. I'm 41and quite happy where I am with my man, my business and 2 great cats. And no kids. Good luck to you!

Malibu Niki said...

Colleen,

Thanks very much for your words of encouragement; I appreciate hearing that you made a decision and didn't regret it. My plan right now is just to wait and see what happens... not so much of a plan as it is an exercise in procrastination, haha.