I don't mind stealing bread

I have been away from this blog for awhile, mainly because I've been at a loss for words in many areas of my life.

Now, here again, I don't want to rage at anyone (who will likely never read this anyway), I don't want to express my extreme disappointment in some people I (wrongly?) consider my friends, I don't want to rehash old (but ongoing) worries, anxieties, frustrations, and fears.

If I'm going to get through this, it is going to be by remaining positive, afterall. So I thought I'd instead share a few small pleasures I have enjoyed in the past few weeks.

- humidity that wilted everything in sight, but helped my orchids bloom beautifully on the porch

- Yoshi and Beeb greeting me when I got home from work

- strawberry rhubarb pie that Tree ended up hating, so shucks, I had to eat the whole thing myself ;)

- resuming work on my WWII foot locker project

- the new kitty, Fiyero, still insisting on sleeping sweetly next to me

- preparing for a breathtaking Halloween

- a zucchini as big my foot

"but I can't feed on the powerless

when my cup's already overfilled"

- Temple of the Dog "Hunger Strike" -

it's sleeping in my memory

I'm feeling very overwhelmed today. Things were going great and then in the last week it all got fucked up.

I'm going to set aside, for the moment, the never ending nightmare that is my job. The CPT is never going to change; she'll be the worst boss/officer in existence right to my last day of orders. 353 days to go...

An ongoing issue at the back of my mind has been my parents' financial situation. Yoshi told me today they are behind on nearly everything and are now close to having the electricity shut off. It fucking kills me. My dad has his own construction business, and as home-buying slowed with the economy, so did building and renovations. What makes me so angry is that their situation is not their fault - they have not been irresponsible, they don't live beyond their means, they have not accumulated a ton of credit card debt, haven't spent lavishly on vacations or cars or anything. My dad just goes to work every day, pays his workers fairly, and my mother keeps the company books along with a part-time job. They are honest, salt-of-the-earth people who could not deserve less the situation they are in. But people aren't building much, and some jobs he'd started are now in limbo as the buyers ran out of cash. They are owed a good amount of money, but how can you tell that to the collection agency? And very few new jobs are coming in.

My dad asked Yoshi and I to fill out online applications for him to Home Depot, Lowes, etc because he's not good them and always gets frustrated. He's put his truck and motorcycle on Craigslist; it's the motorcycle that really hurts - it's such a big part of him. He's president of the Band of Brothers (Central Mass) Chapter of the Nam Knights. What does that mean for him if his motorcycle is gone?

I haven't talked to Tree, but I want to and am going to help. I know my parents won't take money from me, so I have to stick to bills that don't require me having to answer a lot of questions. I tried to pay their electric bill, but the company won't take payments over the phone, and I can't send a check without the account number. So I called the lumber company I know they have an overdue account at (almost $1100 I learned today) and paid $400. After I get paid this weekend I'm going to pay the rest. I don't know what I am going to say once my mother (who keeps impeccable books) realizes there is an unexplained payment. Hopefully she'll understand and just not say anything to my dad. Sometimes you do what you have to do, to take care of your family. I don't think I'm going to say anything to Tree, either.

There is another thing, but it's not really my story to tell. Perhaps I will be able to elaborate more later, but for now all I will say is that I love my sister and niece and would do anything to help them.

Then I found out today that the owners of my house, my big beautiful house, won't sell it for less than they paid - about $50,000 more than the house is currently worth. Our lease is up at the end of October and it makes me literally sick to my stomach to think of all the work we're going to have to do from now to then. Tree told the realtor we aren't interested in overpaying like a motherfucker, so she's going to look for other houses in the area. But shit - this place is fucking amazing, even with the work it needs. And we talked so much about plans for the garden next year, renovating different parts of the house, what our end vision for the place is... I just hope we can find something else, lakefront, so I don't regret losing this house for the rest of my life. We have put so much time and love into the house and yard already - we just planted 7 blueberry bushes like a week ago! I suppose that serves us right for getting attached to a house that wasn't ours, but fuck... I love this place so much I'm starting to cry over it again.

So in light of everything, maybe Tree and I should go back home? Gee, that's some timing, considering I just quit my GS job in MA and transferred into the New Jersey National Guard last Friday. Everything is awesome, right?

"and a rock feels no pain

and an island never cries"

- Simon and Garfunkel "I Am A Rock" -

and I ain't got no worries 'cause I ain't in no hurry at all

Haven't posted in awhile - I didn't realize it, but I needed to take a break and decompress. I'm currently on leave from work (day 8 of 12) and am feeling much, much better. I don't really want to get too much into it (I always say that, don't I?) so I won't, and instead look to better things and what has been nourishing me lately.

A quick rundown (I hate these lists):

- Tree's homemade lemonade, the best lemonade I have EVER tasted

- pulling vines/weeds/yard monsters out of the trees and lawn, and envisioning what a beautiful, welcoming space we will have once we're done

- picking and eating fresh tomatoes, summer squash, zucchini, and green peppers that Tree grew in our backyard

- visiting local farm stands and buying corn, blue berries, and carrots

- planning for Halloween (some projects I plan to try are a few sinister-looking Witch Jars for out on the porch and a whimsical, kid-friendly Witch's Cauldron for the front entryway - there are a lot of small children in my neighborhood...)

- continuing the process to purchase this lovely house that Jack built (despite its issues quirks - or perhaps because of - I am head over heels for this house)

- oh! and getting ready for the superawesome summer cookout we're having at the end of August; I can't wait to have everyone I care about, together, at our home

I guess that's really it! You could say I've done a whole lot of nothing on these days off, but sometimes it's the nothing that refreshes you to take on anything.

"well, if it rains, I don't care,

don't make no difference to me"

- The Doobie Brothers "Black Water" -

I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run

I really don't want to get into the whole knock-down-drag-out horrible thing, but here's a (kind of too long) summary (I'll try to be as impartial as I can but honestly, I'm still fuming) of my mindblowing (not in a good way) weekend:

Our entire purpose for going home this particular weekend (last weekend) was to attend my friend Julaaay's wedding Saturday evening. Julaaay and I worked together at Shaw's for several years and now only sporadically keep it touch, but I still consider her a friend. Anyway, we received the invitation for her wedding and RSVP'd several months ago (as in, this was not a spontaneous decision to go to the wedding).

Saturday was also the date of Tree's mother's big summer cookout/graduation party for her fiance's daughter, who recently completed hairdresser school. Tree's mother knew we had this wedding to go to when she planned her cookout.

So Saturday morning we went to Tree's mother's house to spend a little time with her while she got ready for the cookout. We called on our way over to see what she wanted for breakfast (bagels and coffee, also some for her fiance's daughter, who didn't even acknowledge our presence, much less thank us for bringing her breakfast... but I digress) and took it to her as she was getting ready for the day. We ate, chatted, said goodbye. The understand was, as we drove away, that we would stop by her cookout after the wedding was over. She knew the wedding started at 5 pm.

(Full disclosure: she also trimmed my hair a little, at her house, to fix a mistake the last hairdresser had made... which really just led to another mistake: allowing myself to become indebted to her by letting her trim my hair. Next time I'll stick with the shitty cut.)

We got dressed, met up with Yoshi and Sharty, drove to the wedding. It was beautiful, Julaaay looked like a princess, and it was really nice to spend time with the old Shaw's crew. I missed them more than I'd realized.

But everything kind of took a long time. After they were married, the guests enjoyed a cocktail hour while the official party posed for photographs. Then we went upstairs to the reception hall, the official party was introduced ("...and for the first time in public, Mr. and Mrs..."), the bride and groom's first dance, and so one. It wasn't until 7:30 when we were first being served the meal. Then the best man/maid of honor toasts, then cake cutting... then the bride's dance with her father, the groom's dance with his mother, the throwing of the bouquet and the taking-off-of-the-garter thing. Then dollar dances with the bride/groom, a conga line (!!) and so on and so on. It took awhile. And even after the "traditional" part of all of it, I was having a nice time dancing with my sister and Shaw's friends. But could you really just get up and leave in the middle of it? Oh look at me, getting ahead of myself.

So Tree's mother screams at him over the phone while we're still at the wedding (it was right after the food was served), freaking out that we weren't at her cookout yet. I guess she expected us to split the night between the two events? I don't really know because (a) she talked to Tree, not me, (b) Tree had actually been talking to his brother when she took the phone and started yelling, and (c) was evidently really drunk. At least, that's what everyone keeps telling me (like it's an excuse?). She went on about how important the cookout was to her, how important it was to her that we be there, and how she feels blown off because we weren't there already.

That left Tree in a shitty mood for the rest of the wedding, so thanks! I didn't really get to enjoy my night, either.

Before it got out of control and while I was still only mildly annoyed at her reaction to Tree and me ATTENDING A WEDDING WE'D PLANNED ON FOR MONTHS, I texted her to apologize that the wedding was running later than expected. I tried to call also, but both went unanswered. She also stopped taking Tree's calls, so when we got out of the wedding (around 10:45 pm) Tree texted his brother to see if anyone was still at the cookout and to let him know we were on our way (we first had to drop off Yoshi and Sharty).

His brother texted back that we shouldn't bother because their mother was "really mad" and that it would just "be a big scene." So I'm sure we were the talk of the stupid cookout. Whatever.

The next day Tree tried to call her to talk it out, she initially didn't want to take his call, finally talked to him. He drove over to her house (alone) and tried to explain how unreasonable it was for her to get upset when she knew we had the late wedding and we told her still stop by afterward but that it would be late. We even offered to go to eat with her Sunday night to make up for it (not that it was our fault, but just to smooth things over) but no, the cookout was "really important" and blah blah. She also told him we only call her when we need something (an unshakable desire to... bring her breakfast?) and that she feels like we put her on the back burner by not making time to go see her the way we do Tree's dad and my parents/sister. (Except Tree's dad and my parents/sister don't try to guilt us into breaking plans with other people to spend time with them.)

I just can't fucking win. We went to go see her before the cookout and offered swing by both after the cookout and the following evening to make up for missing the bulk of the cookout. Not good enough.

I understand she wants to spend time with us, especially since we've moved and aren't in MA very often, but she's going about it ENTIRELY the wrong way. Behaving like this just makes me want to go see her less, because now the next time we are there it's going to be awkward, and I just don't feel like being in that situation. I'm really too old for the drama.

So now we get to be the bad guys with everyone because we "blew her off." My life is fucking amazing.

That was an inappropriately long "summary." Well, I don't care. Suck it.

"you tied my lead and pulled my chain

to watch my blood begin to boil"

- Johnny Cash "Rusty Cage" -

anyone can see my every flaw

Time for some early-summer reflecting...

So, a new baby and a new kitten - can you guess which one was a bigger deal?

I was perhaps a bit untruthful in my previous post when I said the kitten was to comfort Tree when my niece arrived; I find the little guy is comforting me as well. I won't lie and say a part of me feels left out of all the (fun?). My mom tells me about the adorable little booties she found in the attic that Yoshi and I used to wear. Yoshi wearily repeats her future M-I-L's most recent crazy declaration ("I would never tell my child Santa didn't exist, no matter how old they were. I would tell them Santa used to exist but that now he doesn't."). But then she has to go - The Little One needs to eat/be changed. Suddenly my artful arrangement of candles on my dining room table doesn't seem so captivating.

But quite honestly, I rationally don't want kids, like, full-time, if that makes sense. Like, today, I was searching for summer craft ideas online (more on this another time) and came across all sorts of cute things to make with a child. I was looking for more adult and permanent crafts, but the felt jungle and puppet theater made me a little sad. I would like little hands to help me cut the felt or pick out fabric! And I'd like my crafts to have some use, unlike the endless "good ideas" I've had (hand painted/stamped stone magnets, my WWII service trunk, handmade notecards, you can even throw Athena's in here...) that were superexciting for all of 5 minutes.

Wow, rereading, I kind of got away from what I was trying to say in that last paragraph. What I meant was, it would be great to help a child assemble a puppet theater, watch them put on a show or two (guess I'd have to help them make puppets, too), and then have them leave my house. Oh, but that's possible now that I'm an aunt, you say? Except I live 4 (or up to 7, depending on the hellish traffic jam that is the George Washington Bridge) hours away. And yes, Tree and I have talked about moving back home to be closer to family, but I was really unhappy in Massachusetts, and I don't want all my (adult) life decisions to be based on other's people's happiness while sacrificing my own (our own?). You know? My family is (I guess?) happy in MA, and who knows, maybe someday I'll want to return, but not right now.

Kind of getting off-topic again. Fuck! Anyway, maybe I could just volunteer at a preschool or a YMCA or something. Otherwise I fear I'm going to get overwhelmed by all the cool things I'm (missing out on?). Because I honestly do feel like I'm being left behind... I'll be 24 next month and Tree will be 26 in December...

TL;DR I'm torn on the whole "having a kid" thing. Fuck.

"I don't feel the way I've ever felt,

I know

I'm gonna smile and not get worried,

I try but it shows"

- Jimmy Eat World "Pain" -

I'm melting (I'm melting) like hot candle wax

So - I've been absent for a few days, I know, but really - VERY BUSY. (Update: I actually started typing this post three days ago)

And though I hate having to post an update list (boring?), here we go:

- To lessen the blow of my niece's upcoming birth, I let Tree get a kitten. Actually, that's a lie. We were at PetSmart to pick up some litter and the foster/adoption people were there - cats and kittens and puppies galore. Tree wanted to go check them out, and when one of the adoption ladies asked us if we were considering adopting or just visiting, Tree said, "Oh, both?" and I knew, fuck, I'm coming home with a cat.

I resisted getting a kitten because I know older cats are harder to get adopted and I really wanted to be able to help one of them, but after talking with the adoption people, they convinced us a kitten would be easier to introduce to our two possessive adult cats. And the adoption/foster folks don't destroy any of the animals, they assured me. So we came home with a little spunky ball of energy that went nameless for a few days, but is now Fiyero. I'll post some pics when he sits still long enough...

- Now that it's been warmer and every few days there is a full one without rain, Tree (aka Crash Bandicoot) and I have been spending more time working on the house. I started digging out some of our decoration-type things (still in boxes from when we moved here... last November...) and Tree has his garden. Today we pulled out these weird and horrible weed/tree things growing along the edge of our "beach" on the lake. It's really only like 2 feet of wet sand, but it was getting overrun by rooty plants that are obnoxious to pull up. We also re-staked the tomatoes, took stock of growing pumpkins (three so far!) and pulled weeds growing among the pepper plants. We've also been talking about all the things we want to do with the yard... it's a good sized one and there are a TON of weirdo plants the previous owners planted without rhyme or reason.

- And the best thing - a little niece!! She was born the 25th at 8:30 pm, 7 lbs and 4 oz. Tree and I made it up there in time to wish my sister Yoshi luck before the big moment. And a short time later, there she was (even though the bitchy nurses were kicking us out of the hospital)! She is so beautiful, I can't even tell you. I know everyone says that about babies they care about while everyone else looking at the baby thinks it looks like an alien (just kidding?), but this baby is freaking adorable.

Gah, I'm fucking exhausted. This post pretty much sucks but I don't want to come back to it later, so there ya go. I'll try harder next time. 'Night.

"lovely is the feelin now

I won't be complainin"

- Michael Jackson "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" -

got my whole life ahead; hell, I'm just a kid myself

So I was at the Acme this afternoon and saw a bunch of baby-things that were in the clearance section. I called my sister to see what she still needed (less than 2 weeks!!!) and she told me what colors, sizes she preferred.

On my way home, I was thinking about the cashier, who looked at the replacement valves for the spill-proof cups I'd also picked out and remarked that she had no idea what they were. I'd laughed and shrugged - I had no idea what they were either, they were just hanging next to the cups and the package said they were for them so I just grabbed some.

Yeah, they are little white snappy things that go into the lid of the cups. It had never occurred to me that those cups would have replaceable valves, much less that replaceable valves in kid cups even existed. The whole concept was foreign to me because it wasn't really my business. I saw the cups and valves and they were for babies and were brightly colored so I bought them.

So that was kind of sad to realize, that I knew nothing about something as trivial as baby cups (or toddler cups, really), and if it were not for my sister, they never would have even appeared on my radar. I just don't care enough on my own to learn.

I tell people all the time that I'm never having kids and I'm approximately 75% serious. But what if I don't even have any maternal instinct, what if I really shouldn't have kids, even if I wanted some. I mean, I can't even bring myself to try to understand the workings of a baby cup. I also have no idea how diapers go on, when is too young to let a baby use scissors, or what to do when a baby I'm holding starts crying/throwing up (generally I try to avoid holding babies to begin with - "Yes, your baby is adorable, I just don't want to touch it, smell it, or in general be near it.") I am going to have to get familiar with some of these things for my sister, but otherwise, would I even care?

Babies give me the willies.

"all he could see were his dreams goin' up in smoke

so much for ditching this town and hanging out on the coast"

- Kenney Chesney "There Goes My Life" -

I'm a sailor peg... and I lost my leg!

Best Easter ev-ar.

1. Whole family

2. (excuse to have the house immaculately clean)

3. Fucking delicious food

4. Beautiful new orchids

5. (threw away the awful smelling 'Chocolate Shit Suede' candles)

6. Help feeding (wild) geese

7. Super Nintendo with my sister

8. 'Chocolate Cake' shots with my mom

9. Adult Easter Egg Hut

10. Didn't have to drive 6 hours back home

I remember what I miss about Massachusetts

"I'm shipping off... to find my wooden leg!"

- Dropkick Murphys "I'm Shipping Up To Boston" -

if you want to be a hero, well just follow me

Easter at the Blue House

April 12, 2009

Appetizers

--------------------

Stuffed Mushrooms

Something Else Cool

Main Course

--------------------

Slaughtered Pig = :(

General Tso's Tofu = :)

Sides

--------------------

Colcannon

Boring Mashed Potatoes For People Who Hate Colcannon

Green Bean Casserole

Roasted Sweet Potatoes

Acorn Squash

Something With Carrots

Irish Soda Bread

Dessert

--------------------

Janine's Famous Lady Finger Cake

Assorted Cookies / Brownies

Something Else Cool, With Chocolate

Beverages

--------------------

Apple Juice

Soy Milk

Diet Coke

Sam Adams Boston Lager

Magic Hat #9

Malibu Bay Breeze

Or, BYOB

- John Lennon "Working Class Hero" -

can't wait for tomorrow; I might not have that long

The DVIDS training for the MPAD today was a success!! Ever since That Time, I'm fucking terrified for the first half hour of meeting a new unit - Will they be receptive to the training? Will they have a positive attitude? Will they actually learn anything? What if they immediately hate me?

I talked to Tea about that early this morning while we were waiting for them to arrive, and she assured me that That Time was just a freak occurrence and I needn't worry. And it turned out she was right. I showed them an overview video in the morning, followed by a little PowerPoint (not too much - I know it can be fatal in large doses), then some example videos of what not to do. They took a short lunch, then we took the dish outside and they took turns setting it up and breaking it down. As the big finale, we hooked up their camera to the system and called DVIDS to practice coming up on the satellite. All in all a success.

An update to yesterday: my guts are literally screaming to get out, and now I'm afraid to fart. Try not to think about that one too hard.

Oh!! I didn't tell you. So at the advice of Tree's father, we are going to have Easter down here in NJ so Tree and I don't have to split our holiday three ways like we always do. So far my parents, Tree's father and brother have confirmed, my sister and her BF are a 'probably' also confirmed, and Tree's mother and BF are a 'maybe'. I look forward to having our house full of people, my favorite people. :)

Tree and I are still working out what the menu will be, but I'll let you know. I've already resigned myself to the fact that we'll have to serve a meat dish, but I'm not pleased about it.

Well, that's enough rambling for today. Hope you haven't tuned out already. I'll try to be more interesting tomorrow.

"I'll tear my heart out

before I get out"

- Smashing Pumpkins "Today" -

the girl got reasons; they all got reasons

The holiday... didn't end up being that bad, actually. A brief rundown of the festivities:

24. made the insanely horrible pre-holiday drive back to Massachusetts with the husbo. SEVEN HOURS LATER we arrived at his mother's house. There we all had a little informal dinner-thing (she thoughtfully made veggie lasagna especially for me) and exchanged presents. Afterward, we stopped for a short visit at my parents' house to do presents, then drove to Tree's dad's house and promptly fell asleep. Alcohol units consumed: two

25. had a really nice breakfast spread courtesy of Tree and his dad. Exchanged presents with his dad and brother, then went to my parents' house (again, and with Tree's dad) for food. My sister and her bf came to eat as well and we all had a (surprisingly) enjoyable time. Ate, hung out, stuffed ourselves full of my mom's infamous lady finger cake. Mmmm. Alcohol units consumed: four

26. recovered in the morning and spent a few hours with Coug midday. Then Tree and I drove to Worcester to meet up with Angel and her son - checked out their new (to me, as I'd never seen it) apartment and then onward to Boston for Blue Man Group. Greatest. Idea. Ever. So much fun!! It is how I imagine being on acid must be like. Love. After the show, we searched for the elusive Hard Rock Cafe and (finally) found the damn place. Bought a new pin. Got home after midnight. Awesome. Alcohol units consumed: three

27. the day of two birthdays: my sister and Tree. We'd all (Tree, me, my sister and her bf, my mom and dad, Tree's dad, his mom and her bf and his two kids, Tree's brother and his gf) decided to merge the events into one, so we met at 5:30 and ate locally. My parents and Tree's dad are swiftly becoming actual friends and not just people stuck with each other because of their kids, and I love that. Friends = kick ass. Alcohol units consumed: three

28. showered, packed, said good bye to everyone, left around noon. SEVEN HOURS LATER (again) we got back to New Jersey, and, you guessed it, promptly fell asleep. Alcohol units consumed: zero

In related news, I need to dry out...

"don't turn away, what are you looking at?

he was so happy on the day that he met her"

- Stone Temple Pilots "Sour Girl" -

for you I'd bleed myself dry

so i was like seven or eight or so and loved to spend time with my dad. he used to take me to the junk yard with him whenever he needed to find parts for whatever car he was working on at the time. he'd walk through the junk yard looking for a car to pull apart out of and i'd run off by myself, climbing into old school busses and sitting in the driver's seat, pretending to drive through a sea of cars. i wouldn't mind getting covered in dirt or that my jeans would have smudges of motor grease on the knees.

one time while we were there looking for a part an ice cream truck came by and the owner of the junk yard, who was friends with my dad, bought me an ice cream and i thought that was the coolest thing because i've never seen an ice cream truck before, i mean, other than on tv. that's what happens when you live in the rural-ist of rural towns.

i miss hanging out with my dad... (and not just for the ice cream)

- Coldplay "Yellow" -

all I need to know is that I'm something you'll be missing

so the days have been going and going, i've been running on my little hamster wheel, and here i still am, in my little glass aquarium in some kid's room.

recently my scenery has changed. i wake up cold every morning, stiff joints from sleeping on the couch, a hollow feeling from being alone. the floors are always freezing and i echo when i walk.

my mother commented to me more than a few times about my dad being home alone and leaving all the lights on and the tv going while he's using the computer and talking on the phone. it's like he's trying to make the house less empty, as if there are other people in there with him. she said he doesn't like to be alone. i guess this must be kind of hereditary, like a co-dependent gene or something, or maybe it's for that nurture/nature debate, or maybe i'm just a little needy. i leave all the lights on, too. i don't know...

i don't want to do this anymore. i've got no real place to call home.

- Taking Back Sunday "You're So Last Summer" -

please tell me why... my car is in the front yard, and i'm sleeping with my clothes on

my sister and i washed my car in the driveway the other day when i was relatively warm out (65 degrees) and my dad came outside and sat on the steps and watched. he asked me about a little quarter-sized dent in the hood, and then claimed he could pick out a new dent or scratch on a car from quite a distance, even in the dark.

i wonder, then, how long it will be before he notices that i backed into his plow a few nights ago. for the west-coast portion of my audience, a plow would be an attachment for a truck or SUV which pushes snow off the road, out of the driveway, etc. you know, snow? white and fluffy? cold? falls from the sky?

lol

- Lit "My Own Worst Enemy" -