and he likes to sing along

Most of my "accidental" blog traffic arrives here by searching aut viam inveniam aut faciam tattoo or what does aut inveniam aut faciam mean? This is kind of funny because I actually have a tattoo of that phrase (also the title of my blog) but do not have a picture of it posted, and nowhere on my blog do I give a definition of it.

Another popular way people arrive here is by searching for song lyrics. This makes sense: each post title is a snippet from a song I feel relates to the particular post... ...or it was playing on my iPod when I was typing the post. Or I heard it on the radio on my way to work. There's really no formula here.

But then in the last few weeks, some wacked out people visited my blog. I have no idea how any of these searches led these weirdos here. A sampling:

Someone from the UK arrived here by searching for mom to be baby aut on Aug 20. Maybe the aut was supposed to be aunt? Otherwise I don't get it.

A person in Ontario searched for f scott fitzgerald scotch whiskey on Aug 21 and ended up here - this I sort of get (I have a quote from The Great Gatsby on the left side panel of my blog) but it's still a weird search.

Then on Aug 25, a New Yorker using a Mac searched for "colleen hickey" blog -saffron single mother and bizarrely ended up here. What.

An unknown ISP searched i have my whole life ahead on Aug 31 and viewed 4 pages of my blog. I hope this was someone trying to find lyrics to the Kenny Chesney song I used as a post title and not like searching for an abortionist or something. Yikes.

And then it got fucking creepy.

On Aug 31, someone in the US did an AOL search for mothers incest desires. How??? did my blog end up in the search results??

Another US search (but the search language was Chinese) brought someone here Sept 1, this time for aut graduation photos. I don't get it either.

Oh, here's a goodie: Someone in India found their way here by searching for story of me and my aut fucking in bed room on Sept 1. I assume aut was again supposed to be aunt, but I actually think that makes it worse.

And finally, also on Sept 1 (International Weirdos-on-Google Day) someone arrived here by searching vagina aut beby vidio - they were using Google English, however they arrived here from Indonesia.

What.

"but he knows not what it means"

- Nirvana "In Bloom" -

are these times contagious?

So, yesterday was my birthday. (Happy birthday, me!) Tree was wonderful and decorated the great room for my birthday and got me a few thoughtful, photo-related gifts that incorporated photos I'd taken of our house and his garden. He also got me an ice cream maker but I totally bullied him into giving it to me early under the premise of making a batch before he left for AT - he's leaving in 2 hours and guess who never got around to making any ice cream?

Anyway, he was a great little husbandy and let me do anything I wanted for my birthday. We were originally going to spend the weekend away doing cool stuff, but there was some mandatory Army shit to take care of in the morning and then we had to go drop my car off at the Toyota dealership to get serviced/detailed/the-part-on-the-front-that-fell-off-like-the-day-I-bought-the-car-last-August-and-am-just-now-getting-around-to-replacing replaced. By the time we got back home it was nearly 1:00, so we decided it wasn't worth it to really go anywhere.

He made me my favorite lunch (a particular brand of organic mac & cheese - stop laughing!) and then I wanted to go check out a yard sale we'd passed on the way back from Toyota. Well, we ended up spending the rest of the afternoon cruising through all the twisting, eclectic lake-communities, hunting for yard sales. I found a ton of new clothes for Beeb (shirts, skirts, shoes, a winter coat, dresses, a sweatshirt, teeny jeans...), plus a pair of jeans for myself and two Halloween decorations, all for less than $15.

As it got later in the afternoon, most of the yard sales had been packed up, so Tree and I explored some more of the lake communities we hadn't seen before (there are like 10 lakes right near where we live). We've decided we live on the best lake. :)

We got home and Tree lit the tiki lights that line the walkway down to the lake and then we started a fire in the small firepit he built this week. While I puttered around doing laundry and odd chores, Tree started dinner (my favorite burritos, even though we just had them the other day) and made birthday chocolate cupcakes for me.

And although it was just a simple, low-key day, I had so much fun with Tree. He was so sweet and completely open do doing whatever I wanted, because it was my birthday, and it was important to him that I got to do what made me happy. And just driving around, pointing out yard sale signs and then turning down all the crazy streets looking for the actual yard sale (some signs went nowhere), just me and Tree without any stress, no worries, was just so, so great. It was, hands down, the best birthday I've ever had.

:)

So, the other day I got blog-tagged by bodoba!

This is what ya do:
1. Link to the person or persons who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random and/or revealing things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your post entry is up on your site.

So here we go, my 6 things (WARNING! Possible TMI ahead):

1. In general, I dislike having all my toenails painted the same color. I mean, what's the fun in that? So right now, from the far-left toe of my left foot to the far-right toe of my right foot, they are painted: orange, orange, orange, purple, purple, orange, orange, purple, orange, color-changing pink/yellow.

2. One of my nipples used to be an "innie." Like, it would wake up in cold weather and at other times (wink), but for the most part, it preferred to be a little cave. But then I got my nipples pierced and now all is right in the world.

3. I love watching medical-mystery type shows, like the Tree Man or Mermaid Girl. I'm both captivated and horrified. How easily any of these things could have happened to me!

4. While I don't anticipate giving up being a vegetarian, sometimes I miss the convenience of a restriction-free diet. Going out to eat is especially difficult - you can only eat so much salad/pasta.

5. Every time a lightning bug makes its way into my house, I catch it and make a wish while releasing it back outside.

6. I have never seen any of the Star Wars movies, nor do I have any desire to (I listed this one last in case you've now decided to stop being my friend; at least I made you read all my 6 facts so hopefully you'll make an fair decision and not base our friendship on a stupid 70's movie with lame hot-girl slavery, shitty special effects, regardless of how "groundbreaking" everyone says they were - oh and incest. So if you're choosing incest over being my friend, maybe I don't want to be your friend, either.).

I don't have very many blogspot-friends (so sad) so I'll just tag Meg.

"have I got a long way..."

- Collective Soul "Run" -

maybe it's just you're not enough for me

Ok, so I totally ripped this off from The Bloggess's advice column (sorry, Jenny!) but this was just too fucking awesome not to share.

SFW if you keep the volume low.



Or watch it on YouTube here. Best part of the video is at 1:35.

"like a penis, but reversible"

- Storm Large "(My Vagina Is) 8 Miles Wide" -

I'm a high life flyer and a rainbow rider

It has been raining for the last 3 million years. So far this is the worst summer I have ever had.

I got talked into going to a concert tomorrow morning in Manhattan (at the Intrepid) so look for me - it will be played on the CBS Early Show. I'm sure the cameras will pan the audience a few times. What concert, you ask? Earth, Wind and Fire will be performing, also Chicago (the band, not the musical, unfortunately). I can't name a single song by either. Also we are leaving from Dix at an ungodly early hour to make it to NY in time.

Yeah, those two groups on the USS Intrepid on the CBS Early Show with military members in the audience randomly in the middle of June doesn't make any sense to me, either.

Which just reminded me! Tomorrow is Juneteenth. A special thanks to Old Navy (my friend from Iraq, not the company with the creepy talking mannequins) for educating me on such an important historical event. White girls from the northeast don't find this stuff in their history books. Also the "John Waters" mustache. I'd never heard of that, either.

Wow, this post is literally about nothing. I'm going to go eat something (ran out of hot dogs, though...).

"and he always had some mighty fine wine"

- Three Dog Night "Joy to the World" -

I'll start this off without any words

So... Tree left this afternoon for his two weeks of sitting around AT and already I'm lonely.

He went grocery shopping before he left and made sure the kitchen was stocked with things I can actually make (read: a lot of pasta), so that was nice. He also vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen until it sparkled (!!) and mowed the lawn. I looked around for a sweet note he might have left for me before he left, but no such luck. Ah, no one's perfect.

The next two weeks are going to suck.

Oh and it's raining monsooning and the Commander's Golf Cup that was supposed to be tomorrow has been cancelled (lost my excuse to wear a skirt to work!) and the stupid Dining Out is Saturday and the CPT talked me into driving to her house (an hour away) tomorrow night so we can go buy dresses at the outlets (30 more minutes away). Just what I wanted to do. "Oh but you can stay overnight at my house." Yeah, probably not.

I'm just a big complainer tonight, eh? But what the fuck, I'm entitled.

.....FINE. What else should we talk about?

Well, I rediscovered my love for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. One of my cats excaped from the porch today and was joyously eating grass next to the garden when I found him. My dad is getting here the day after tomorrow. Last week I created a brochure for the brigade FRG because (a) I was bored and (b) they needed one and besides, (c) I have Adobe Creative Suite on my computer - this later turned into a huge fucking deal that I made the brochure and not the civilian who's the full time FRG person and she really got into trouble for not creating it herself even though (a) she never asked me to do it and (b) it was really no trouble at all... and I felt bad (but the brochure came out really cool and everyone loved it and I'm happy they are still going to use it).

The leftover burrito I had for dinner was superdelicious. One of my orchids died (I think). I'm totally ditching out on PT tomorrow. It's still raining (sounds kinda nice on the skylights).

And my nails are still perfect, in case you were wondering. :/

---

17 days until Tree gets home. :(

"I got so high, I scratched til I bled"

- Nirvana "On a Plain" -

and suddenly you're in love with everything

Weird. Fucking. Day.

Remember back when I said I was going to start volunteering at the animal shelter near my house? Remember when I still haven't done it yet?

Today a lightning bolt came out of the sky/the ceiling in my office and hit me - and then there I was, typing in the website for the shelter and saving their phone number in my cell phone.

Then, like, 15 minutes later, I was overcome by the urge to sneak a cigarette. For those who do not know me, I've been battling a nicotine addiction for approximately a million years. Lately I've been winning (unless we have a unit in training or I'm in Iraq - what is it about the Army that makes me want to smoke more?). So today, not training and not in Iraq, it was odd but overpowering, my need for a Marlboro. I walked down to S6 and hit up one of the civilians, who was happy to get away from his desk for a bit.

We walked out back and sat on the picnic table and talked about his impending divorce (that sucks) and why no one wants to live in New Jersey (true story). He smoked a second one (I didn't) and then we headed back toward the building.

"Hey, Sgt. Malibu, want to see some kittens?" I turned to see a MSG who works downstairs standing off in the grass near our parking lot. [It reads that way, but she really didn't sound so much like a pedo trying to lure me into a van as it looks here, I promise.]

"Um, ok?" I said, confused, and walked toward her. "Where are they?"

She pointed to the storm drain, hidden in the grass next to her. I peeked in, and at the bottom, about 4 feet down, three teeny kittens huddled together in the wet leaves. My heart melted.

"I called DPW [Department of Public Works] and they referred me to Pest Control - the guy is on his way here with something to scoop them out of there." She looked worried. "I don't know where the mother is, I think she may have been that cat that got hit earlier... and it's supposed to rain tonight and for the next few days. They'll drown down there, you know?" She knelt down and peered in. "But I don't know... I asked the Pest Control guy what he was going to do with them and he didn't really answer me."

Um. "What do you mean, he didn't answer you?"

"I don't know. But he's the Pest Control guy."

Lightbulb! "I can take them to a shelter that's near here. I was literally just looking up their phone number. Seriously."

She stood up, looking relieved. "Ok, want to go get a box then? I think we have some inside?"

We walked back in, got a box, sat back in the grass and waited for the Pest Control guy. He arrived a few minutes later with fucking Havahart traps (their spelling, not mine) and a long hook/pincher thing. It took a few tries, but by gingerly picking up the kittens with the pincher thing and lifting them up to the grate, he was able to place them in my hands so I could ease them through the grate.

They turned out to be smaller than I'd thought - little feet smaller than my smallest fingernail, and their eyes weren't even open. From torso to the base of their tail, they were about 4, maybe 5 inches. They mewed softly and found each other in the box and resumed huddling. Are they cold? I wondered. It's like 90 degrees out here!

"They can't be more than a few days old," said the Pest Control guy, perhaps rethinking his previous plan of murdering "disposing of" the kittens. "You'll need to get them to the shelter right away so someone can start feeding them."

I nodded and said goodbye to the MSG (and asked her to let the others in my office know where I was going) and got into my car. I plugged the shelter's address into my Garmin and drove off post, glancing into the box every couple seconds. The orphaned kittens - two gray and one orange - remained wedged into the corner of the box, their faces pressed into each other's fur. 

It occurred to me I should give the shelter a heads up that I was coming with three newborns, and it proved to be a good idea: they can't take wild animals unless they come from Animal Control (which Fort Dix does not have, evidently). The shelter gave me the number to the Animal Control for the closest country and I tried it: no answer, mailbox is full. Shit.

Called the shelter again to see what I should do now. She said the only other thing I could do was call the non-emergency number of the local police. Um, the DoD police on Fort Dix? Yeah, probably not. But I didn't know any other police stations to contact. I drove back onto Dix and parked in front of the DoD police station, carried the box in with me so the kittens wouldn't roast in my car.

The woman in the lobby (behind the bulletproof glass, that is) was surprised and very helpful, as were the police officers who came out to the main part of the lobby to peer into the box and coo at the kittens. They were able to get in touch with another county's Animal Control, who agreed to meet there at the DoD police station to pick up the kittens for transport to a shelter (probably the shelter I'd previously talked to, but oh well, I'm no stranger to slightly-ridiculous SOPs). I waited until they arrived so I could ensure the kittens wouldn't be destroyed (Animal Control promised me they wouldn't be unless they were rabid/whatever).

Drove back to work.

I know this picture is blurry, but I took it with my phone while I was driving to the DoD police station (pretty sure that's illegal or something). Anyway, here they are:

Also, and completely unrelated, I am pretty sure I broke one of my toes, possibly two. I walked around in pain all day.

"but now I'm dry of thoughts, wait for the rain

then it's replaced, sun setting..."

- Badly Drawn Boy "The Shining" -

when the pigs try to get at ya, park it like it's hot

Hey you! You're in luck! I happen to have a 1974 Plymouth Duster for sale, which is, like, exactly the project car you have been looking for!

Check it out on Craigslist:

https:​/​/​accounts.​craigslist.​org/​post/​shwpst?​pii=​1125895120&​db=​lv

And I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I really, really want to get rid of this car, and I will take any reasonable offer (and maybe even unreasonable ones). Not because there is something wrong with it, it's just that when I bought it (in 2007) I had some crazy idea that I'd restore the thing into a beautiful Mopar masterpiece. I don't even know how to change a tire. I'm clearly an idiot. So now the thing is just sitting there and I will in all likelihood never restore it (who was I kidding, really).

So please buy my car! If it's not something you're into, tell your friends! The mailman! Your proctologist!

"I'm a gangsta, but y'all knew that"

- Snoop Dog "Drop It Like It's Hot" -

holding the lion's share

Oh wow a busy couple of days. This calls for an update!

- Made an appointment for Tuesday to speak to the peeps at the education office (walk ins, while supposedly accepted, are apparently discouraged)

- Via Tree, spoke with our property manager and found that the owners are indeed still interested in selling; set up a meeting with the property manager for Monday (my gentle and patient Tree will handle this as well... my only contact with her is to scream at/threaten her when something is wrong with the house - Good Cop/Bad Cop seems to be the only way to get her to do things)

- Bought some new fancies for the house and prettied it up during our day off together yesterday (this never happens); worked on the yard a little and made more plans for Easter

- Christened the drum set for Guitar Hero (should have just bought the whole package at once) and scolded the cats for chewing the foot pedal cord in half the day after we bought it. Tree managed to Frankenstein the wires so that it works again but it looks pretty sketchy. Luckily we're getting a free pedal for pre-ordering GH: Metallica, otherwise... I don't know. Otherwise I'd just sulk, I guess.

Something else really fucking bizarre happened to me today, but I'm not ready to post about it - I just don't know how I feel about the whole thing. It's not anything bad, so please don't worry... it's just - weird. I'm going to take a day or so to mull over it and then I'll see what you guys think. :/

---

Also, Googling ex-boyfriends is HILARIOUS.

"I served in the Marine Corps as an Intelligence Specialist ..." Really? Is that what they're calling Air Support Operations Operator now? Cause I'm pretty sure that's what it was called when you were doing it. Before they kicked you out.

I hope LinkedIn allows page owners to see who links to their page (guffaw) !

"no, you can't bring it down cause I'm - "

- Metallica "Better Than You" -

can't read my, can't read my

Some random things Wikipedia has recently helped me out with:

Amy Fisher - Andy Warhol - Buddy Jesus - bukkake - clove of garlic - cougar - deus ex machina - Dr. Jekyl - Eastern State Penitentiary - Edgar Allan Poe - feed - Fred Weasley - General Hospital - Graves' Disease - Harlem Globetrotters - harlequin - I Can't Believe It's Not Butter - Ione Skye - Jaws 3 - Juneteenth - Kristen Bell - Kurt Warner - lamaze - Lizzie Bordon - MC Hammer - monkey frog - New Kids on the Block - non-canon - Ohio - Oz - Power Rangers - price fixing - Queens of the Stone Age - quinoa - Rainn Wilson - Riesling - ShamWow! - spinal bifida - Tay-Sachs disease - tzatziki - underground - ulna - Veronica Mars - voyeur - WB - When Harry Met Sally- Yehe Nara - yuppie - Zodiac Killer

Thankfully Tree's MacBook saves all the form entries on Wikipedia, allowing me to be reminded of how embarrassing I am.

"check this hand, cause I'm marvelous"

- Lady GaGa "Poker Face" -

I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face

Tomorrow I am giving a quick DVIDS spin up for a National Guard MPAD about to go to... NTC? That's right, not Iraq, but Fort Irwin, Calif. My supposed friend in the [redacted], whom I met at the DVIDS Instructor Course, is evidently spreading the vicious rumor that I can give the course myself, and at almost no cost to the Army! (The actual course at Crawford Communications is pricey.) Just wait til he returns from theatre - he and I are going to have words...!

So I'll be at the freakin installation PAO office tomorrow while the rest of the world snoozes. Well, Tea will be there. I'm so glad she'll be the one there with me. She's my favorite person over there, endlessly patient with us Soldiers who invade her office a couple times a month, and generous beyond believable. 

In other, disgusting news: I have a relentless stomach virus (or something) that is going to leave me a dry withered skeleton if it keeps up much longer. 

Oh and my house is haunted. Whenever I'm alone, and usually in the late afternoon before it's dark, I can distinctly hear someone (something?) walking up / down the stairs that lead to the loft. And almost every time I take a shower in the bathroom off the bedroom (again, only when I'm alone and usually late afternoon), I can hear muffled talking and laughter coming from the other side of the house.

Tonight I was sitting on the loveseat, which divides the great room in half, so it doesn't sit against a wall. Sitting there, watching tv, and I felt a pressure on the top of the headrest, as if someone had leaned from the back of the couch to look over my shoulder. The cats like to sit on the top of the headrests, so I turned, expecting to see one of them up there. No cat. Was someone leaning? Watching me surf blogs online? I don't mind sharing the house as long as the, ah, visitor, as long at he/she/it is friendly. :/

Oh and - who thinks I should take a scuba diving course / certification in May when it's offered here at the installation pool? Does the fact that I can't swim affect your decision?

And I just finished watching an old episode of CSI ("Gum Drops") and it totally made me cry. :/

Hope you enjoyed those random and disjointed little paragraphs. Time to get ready for tomorrow.

"and you're probably still working a 9-to-5 pace

I wonder how bad that tastes"

- All American Rejects "Gives You Hell" -

the subliminal mindfuck America

Validating what I'd long suspected... (not that I'm "very progressive," which frankly sounds a little arrogant, but that I fall on the liberal end of democrats... I'm actually off the charts! See below)

Here's to bucking the national average! Take the Progressive Quiz yourself here (don't forget to tell me how you scored).

Also, a thought that admittedly isn't original - isn't it sad we won't have such terrific anti-Bush music anymore? I kind of enjoyed screaming "well maybe I'm the faggot America!" out my car window. I know I'm an anomaly in the military - we're typically so Republican that we bleed Toby Keith. We'll put a boot in your ass, 'cause it's the American way, y'all. Guns and blood and fucking shit up and stuff. Sheep blindly following the "shepherd."

A little piece of my own hell: the LT has Ann Coulter books stacked on her desk and everyone cheers during anti-Dem pieces on FOX News - which, by the way, is always on. The LT tries to tell me all the time how Obama is fucking up so bad, how he hasn't managed to repair the economy yet (which took years to destroy, but should somehow turn around in the, what, 52 days he's been president?), how he has grand ideas but no actions (see previous). I'm all for debate; I do despise, however, blatant ignorance.

"now everybody do the propaganda

and sing along in the age of paranoia"

- Green Day "American Idiot" -

why worry when it's warm over here?

I just watched an episode of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares by accident, thinking it was Kitchen Nightmares (same chef, different country) and not realizing the channel was BBC America and not one of the FOX channels we get (I think we get more than one? I'm no good with the tv). 

Wow, what a difference! Tree likes Gordon Ramsay, so we periodically watch Kitchen Nightmares and weekly watch Hell's Kitchen. In both of those (US) shows, Ramsay throws plates of food, mercilessly insults participants, and screams obscenities at everyone. About a quarter of what he says is masked by a beep. 

But in the UK version of Kitchen Nightmares, he's almost pleasant. He still drops an f-bomb here and there, but he's more willing to listen to and actually help his fellow chefs and restaurant owners, and he's much more forgiving with the waitstaff. He didn't call anyone a failure, didn't throw anyone out of the kitchen. In the episode I watched tonight, he circulated through the dining room, personally handing out comment cards to the patrons. In the US version and in Hell's Kitchen, he's rarely not raging in someone's face, let alone interacting with the patrons.

What does this say about US vs UK culture? Is it that (aspiring) American chefs are more dimwitted and therefore more deserving of having food thrown at them when a customer sends it back? Or is it that Ramsay has to be more over the top, more obscene, more shocking, in order to satisfy the American audience? 

After the show, World News came on BBC America and I watched a little and felt sad. It made me think of BBC International, which was shown 24 hours a day on a huge television directly in front of my desk in Baghdad. Of all the 24-hour news channels we monitored (Pentagon News Channel, FOX, CNN, Al Jazeera English, CNN International, BBC-I, and Sky News) BBC-I was my favorite. They'd do longer pieces than the others, and I enjoyed watching the features that focused more on telling the story rather than jamming as much information as possible between commercials. I miss BBC-I, among other things...

"you've got so much to say,

say what you mean

mean what you're thinking

and think anything"

- Cat Stevens "Can't Keep It In" -

wear them apple bottoms, wear them apple bottoms honey

Did you know that I'm a bit of a voyeur? Not in the creepy, watch-you-through-a-window-while-I-masturbate kind of way, but in terms of obsessively observing the mundane. I spend hours, hours a day surfing through blogs of people I don't know, reading about their trips to the grocery store and their kid's birthday party. I smile at funny conversations they had at work and grimace at arguments they had with their spouse. I look at pictures of their scrapbooking projects and watch videos of their cat making faces. Do you have a blog? I probably spy on you.

Heh.

Now that I've thoroughly creeped you out...

Dinner last night was excellent: tofu dogs w/veggie cheese (nondairy, but you'd never know the difference!) and sweet potato fries. Tree and I eat a lot of sweet potatoes, which is still weird to me. When I was a kid and had never tried them, I always though 'yams' were the most disgusting thing on the planet. I still don't like the word. Yams. Yams. Gross...

It's bad, though... the more time I spend online looking at horrible PETA photos, the closer I get to a vegan diet. And I don't want that; it's hard enough going out to eat or eating at other people's houses as a vegetarian. While I love what I am doing and am 100% behind the reasons for going meatless... sometimes I wish... I never did. Every single meal is a production. And I suppose this will get easier in time; I've only been here away from DFACs for 6 months, and only living with a kitchen for the last 2. So maybe once we get used to it... but I tell you, I can only eat so many veggie dogs/burgers before the sight of them make me want to puke.

I should probably go do something. It's like 4:30 and I haven't done shit today. Tree is gonna be so pissed.

"shorty don't fake, she'll put it in your face"

- Flo Rida "Elevator" -

I'll tell you now I keep on and on

A few miscellaneous updates I've been meaning to incorporate into past entries but either couldn't or forgot about:

- The roof guys came back the other day for Act 3 of the charming musical Our New Roof. They pulled up the shingles or whatever around the skylights, then removed the skylights, then put plywood over the now gaping holes in the roof. Awesome. In fairness, they are supposed to come back and put new skylights in, but then again, when they were leaving the last time, they said they'd be back to put in said new skylights TODAY. They didn't come today.

- My nails still have not recovered from the acrylics I had on for my class reunion last month. I got this nail protein and... nah, you don't really care about this.

- MySpace wrote back, did I tell you? I'd asked why their ads continually accuse me of having a fat ass. They thanked me for my concern and assured me that my feedback was appreciated. Also:

When we add new services and features to our site, we consider the suggestions and comments we've received from MySpace Friends [that's a proper noun?] like you. So be on the lookout! Your suggestion may be the next new and popular feature or service on MySpace [I rather doubt it].

- When Tree and I last traveled back to Massachusetts, my mother gave me a few loaves of stale-ish bread to feed to the (wild) geese (and ducks) on the lake. So the other day (day before yesterday?) it was kind of slushy-snowing out and some ducks were floating by, so I though, Hey, they'd probably like a nice little treat in this storm, right? Wrong. By the time I got down to the dock they'd hurried almost clear across to the other shore and didn't have any intentions of coming back. I threw some bread out into the water and called to them in their native tongue (Get back here you fucking ducks!) and nothing. Bastards.

- No "real" update to report, but continuing to work with the PAOC to get this deployment-creature born. What's that sound they teach you in Lamaze? Hee-hee-hee-whooooooooo.

"so while you sit back and wonder why

I got this fuckin' thorn in my side"

- Beastie Boys "Sabotage" -

when I wear it I feel cute

Yeah...

I, evidently, like stuff that white people like.

I came across the blog in the usual way: linkhopping through blogger profiles until something catches my eye. So I scanned the first page, somewhat interested but skeptical ("This site will probably be lame and not relevant to me because I'm not 'white' the way white people are 'white.'"). After a couple minutes of scanning and becoming increasingly concerned, I clicked on the master list of Stuff. Of the 115 specific things white people like, I enjoy 45 (I didn't count some of the general things, like t-shirts and bottles of water). But those 45 things are big, significant things.

In particular, a few creepily personal references: Farmer's Markets, Tea, Microbreweries, David Sedaris (!), Vegan/Vegetarianism, Breakfast Places, Public Radio, Living by the Water (yikes), Toyota Prius (ok, what the fuck), Scarves, Pea Coats, and Hummus.

It was like someone looked into my soul. And found a yuppie.

Fuck! I AM white!

"I like boys with strong convictions

and convicts with perfect diction"

-Kimya Dawson "So Nice So Smart" -

that I would be good even if I did nothing

I had a dream the other night that I'd gotten a boob job - no joke. I was sitting on a table, checking out the sizes and picked out a pair. Then the doc had me lay down and I was unconscious... when I woke up, she was hurriedly taking off her gloves and smock-thing and told me she had to leave unexpectedly but that she'd meet me the same time tomorrow to finish up.

"Finish up" ?

......... "Finish up" !!

I pulled up my shirt (I was wearing a shirt during the procedure, apparently) and was stunned (horrified would be a better word) to see that ONE SIDE of my chest had been bandaged. What the doc had meant was that she'd only put one implant in.

How am I going to walk around like this???

And is this common practice to complete one half of an augmentation and come back to it the next day? Someone's going to be getting a call from the Better Business Bureau, methinks.

Further along in the dream, the doc "finished up" and I then had a beautiful new pair of tits (the healing process took only 30 seconds, it seemed). I stood in front of a mirror and lifted them gleefully, squeezing and pressing and admiring them from the side and simply loving.

Weirdly, after the second implant had been put in and I was talking to the doc post-op, I remarked that I was glad that my nipples were now centered on my boobs. WTF?! First, what a fucking bizarre thing to say, and second, my (real life) nipples are quite centered, I assure you.

No idea why I had this dream, as I haven't been especially thinking of my boobs lately... could have to do with the new GIANT tongue stud in my mouth I suppose:

You can't really tell in the photo, I guess, but this thing is two gauges larger than my last stud (which I lost in Atlanta). 

So. What else? New tattoo(s) in the planning stage. I'm going to revamp my little chili pepper tattoo (sadly, the red has faded considerably, so that needs to be retouched, and maybe I'll add some words to go with it) and get a phoenix on my side.

I've been thinking about the phoenix for a long time now and made up my mind to go for it. I'll be getting some quotes this week and I'll go from there. Here is the closest design I've found to what I want - only the tail feathers will be a tad less peacock-like, it will be in color, and there will be more fire incorporated into the overall design. But the size, placement, and the bird's position are in the spirit of the design I want.

Also (speaking of body modification). I have decided I am going to become a Suicide Girl. This is my goal for 2009. Seriously.

"that I would be loved even when I numb myself

that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed

that I would be loved even when I was fuming

that I would be good even if I was clingy"

- Alanis Morissette "That I Would Be Good" -

I know a drugstore cowgirl, so afraid of getting bored

Dear Tom [of MySpace],

This probably won't change anything, but I just wanted to express my displeasure and exasperation at the ads that come up in my profile view. "23 and FAT?" (yes, I am 23) "New Acai Diet Shown on Oprah and Rachel Ray!" "Flat Abs in No Time!" "Want to Lose that Weight Quickly!" and so on.

Really, is this necessary? I am NOT overweight and there is nothing written in my profile to indicate that I have a weight problem, but I feel like MySpace is calling me fat. I repeat, there is NOTHING in my profile to indicate that I have a weight problem. I indicated that my body type is 'average' in the details section of the profile. So why all the "fat" ads?

I get that your ads are supposed to target people they think/hope will follow the links, but this just upsets me. It makes me not want to go on MySpace at all [an exaggeration].

Your friend,

Malibu Niki

____________________________________________________

Dear MySpace User,

This is an automated response acknowledging receipt of your inquiry. A MySpace representative will review your inquiry and follow up shortly.

To ensure each inquiry is responded to quickly and accurately, a unique case ID has been assigned. If you have any questions simply reply to this e-mail without altering the subject line containing your unique case ID.

We encourage you to visit our helpful FAQ page at http://faq.myspace.com for answers to other questions you may have.

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-MySpace

 

"I tried to keep up;

you wore me out and left me ate up...

now I wish you all the luck"

- 311 "Beautiful Disaster" -

my salsa makes all the pretty girls want to dance

A long departure from my entries, but I'll offer this cocktail as an explanation: one part not-enough-hours-in-the-day, one part remarkable-exhaustion, one part lack-of-inspiration. Add a splash of limited-computer-access. Serve over ice.

Things that currently have my attention (in no particular order, except the first one):

1. The election. Namely, the self-loathing associated with not being able to travel back to Massachusetts and vote. Why didn't I send away for an absentee ballot? Because I'm an idiot. It's pretty obvious which candidate I support, but that's not really the point. Today is a crazy-huge important day, and I can't participate in this life-changing event. 'Angry' and 'disappointed' don't even come close.

2. My career. The E6 list comes out in the spring, but will it even matter? Still appears to be a problem finding a slot... going to have to shop around to other states when the time comes. But I think I have problems getting my unit to help me out NOW, when I've known them all 6 years of my career and fucking deployed with them? How will it be being the Fucking New Guy in some other state, a name on a piece of paper, an abstract Soldier in distant New Jersey? Unless I transfer to the NJ National Guard and promise to drill with them, which I don't have to do and don't currently do. Sacrifices will be made no matter what I decide to do, oh yes.

3. New house! I will post photos on my MySpace as soon as we're done unpacking and tidying up, but WOW, I can't even describe how much I love the place. It's on a fucking LAKE. How can you beat that? It's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

4. Iraq. If everything goes as planned, Josh will be deploying in the spring, and fuck, I'm kind of jealous. Scared for him, sad about being apart (again), but yes, jealous. And - this could really be a whole entry by itself - I know that I need to go back. I can't get that place out from under my skin. I want to go bathe myself in dirty sweat and coat my lungs with dust. I miss the smell of burning and how the heat makes the skin on my face feel like paper. I miss feeling like I was making a difference.

5. Volunteering. This doesn't sound like me, even to me, but I found a project that I believe in and want to help out with. Rebuilding Together is a non-profit organization that rehabilitates the homes of low-income families. One of the NJ chapters has a program specifically for veterens who are in need of assistance, and they are looking for other veterens to help with the rebuilding. I think I'm going to offer to help. I guess it goes along with the not-feeling-like-I've-done-enough (in Iraq and at home) and the feeling-of-uselessness-here-in-NJ. I want to feel like what I do matters, and I want to see someone's life get better. Doesn't mean this will be a substitute for a deployment, though.

6. Summer to Autumn to Winter to Spring. Seasons! How novel! Love it.

7. The Office. I am pretty much hopelessly addicted to this show (the US version) and can't even tell you how unhealth-ily I quote the characters, reference scenes, contemplate putting my LT's stapler in jello, want to marry Jim... (ahem) Also important to me this season is the old standby, House. He's so deliciously sinister... and those dreamy eyes...

Now. Hope that has left you as satisfied as I feel at this moment. It's November in New Jersey, 55 degrees, breezy, leaves all over the ground. My LT is out of the office and I'm going home early to paint the trim in my great room. I have a great room! Who could have seen this coming?

"and by now, the rest of the fellas get jealous,
especially when I drop the beat and do my acapellas"

- Eminem "My Band" -

you gotta give the other fella hell

Had a pretty good day today, all things told. I know you can only kind-of see it, but [above] this is me getting my eyebrows "threaded." Is that the word? You can read about the process here if you want to (gotta love Wikipedia!), but basically it is two strands of thread that are rolled over your hair and pull it out. It was more painful than waxing, only because it took longer, but the woman at the salon (named Cleopatra's Saloon - but I think she meant 'salon') was really great. Before she started, she asked me when I'd last had my eyebrows done and I laughed... so she handed me a tissue.

I needed it.

Unrelated, but been thinking a lot about this whole promotion thing - and I will not be screwed over twice. Z is staying in Iraq so - good. I'll be an E6 before he gets back.

- Guns 'n Roses "Live and Let Die" -

mother, do you think they'll like this song?

I'm having a hard time selecting a song for today's blog. It's usually pretty easy - listening to my iPod on shuffle as always - and my iPod always seems to know just what kind of mood I'm in. For example, last night (back at my hooch) I was feeling irritated and my iPod chose three angry Metallica songs for me, back to back. Sometimes I feel my iPod might be the perfect guy for me - knowing how I feel without me having to tell it so, and selecting songs to make me feel better.

Did I just seriously say that?

But today - my iPod is really letting me down as far as knowing which song would compliment this blog.

Humph.

Found a great, funny article about being a vegetarian - please check it out if you have some time. The author talks about the strange looks and head shaking he experiences when he tells people he doesn't eat meat. [I am not above admitting when I suck: a couple days ago I ate a chicken quesadilla - it was delicious, but I still feel terrible about it!] I laughed through the entire article, because there were situations he described that have happened to me - and my meatless life is only a fraction of how long his is. [Again, sorry about that chicken...]

So I just had the best sandwich since I've been in Iraq, I think - pinto beans, tomatoes, lettuce, olives, mushrooms and cheese in a pita flatbread - soooooooooo good I almost want to go make another one. Mmm. Only took me 9 months to perfect it. Delish.

My iPod just picked a song for me... is it just me, or is it slightly creepy considering what I just said about our relationship? (shudder)

- Pink Floyd "Mother" -