she loves to move, she loves to groove

Ok ok ok ok ok ok okokokokokokok I'm ok! And everything is going to be ok.

I shouldn't be getting too excited yet (it's wayyyy to early to get my hopes up) but I don't care, I'm fucking bouncing off the walls - I'm crazed!

I thought about what he said some more - woke up restless this morning - couldn't shower fast enough! And then I went to work in PTs even though I knew I was going to ask to talk to SAB in person - can you see that I didn't even have enough time to get my uniform on? So I got in, logged on, sent him an email... he said he'd meet me in the Green Bean right away. And as soon as I told him that I wanted to come back here, his face lit up with an idea. I won't tell you what it is just yet - mostly because if this doesn't work out, I will be crushed and any reminder will just make it worse - but if you see me, ask me and I might whisper it to you.

We have all been afforded the same opportunities. Fuck yes.

- Journey "Any Way You Want It" -

always living in the final hour, there is always sweet in the sour

I am elated, dizzy, glowing, spinning - I am vibrating so fast now, I am a blur against the dusty sky - can you see me? I'll always exist in the places that I loved: I'll be there at the counter of the Green Bean, ordering my usual spiced chai latte. You'll see my wet hair and tired eyes, makeup-less face turned toward the screens to watch the BUA every morning. I'll be there out front, between the pillars, a cigarette frozen in my hand, watching the birds dip and chatter into eternity. I'll be out by the pool, enjoying dinner beneath the palm trees. You can find me leaning back in my chair while collecting my thoughts, then rocketing forward to fire off a perfect email, the perfect response. I'll throw a blue football at you if you aren't paying attention, but mostly I'll be there in the MOC juggling the phones, putting out fires, networking, keeping it together. You might see me hurrying by in the hallways of the palace with my camera gear and body armor, cursing at my watch. You'll catch a glimpse of me on the front balcony, listening to my iPod and pointing out flares over the landing zone. Later I'll be walking slowly back to my trailer, enjoying the sandy quiet of night.

And you'll see me at the Rhino stop, crying, because this is the tragically unfit ending for the greatest thing I have ever been a part of.

We've all been afforded the same opportunities, he said - and I agreed with him without really considering it. Today I thought about that a lot, and decided that I'm a damned fool for not pushing harder. OWT at Fort Dix is good, but not good enough, and I never should have been content to settle for what is easy.

...but for now, grit my teeth and make it through. Falling to fucking pieces is only making it harder. I'll get this right next time - MNF-I hasn't seen the last of me.

- Wolfmother "Joker and the Thief" -

little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear

I've... I've been pretty substandard lately. Laziness.

And that's really the thing I hate most about myself, I think. I'm not very good at self motivating. I don't even really feel like writing right now, to tell the truth - but I always feel so much better after I write. Same thing with going for a run. I feel good once I get going, and feel great afterward, but it's so hard to get started. And smoking! I can already feel physically better after 3 or 4 days of not smoking... but putting down the lighter is sometimes too hard.

Ok - enough being negative. What are some good things going on right now?

1. Yesterday afternoon I discovered that I'm not half bad at ping pong.

2. I have moved into transient housing (blech) but the upside is I no longer have a roommate, and my room is right by the pool (yay!).

3. No indirect fire attacks so far today.

4. TOA is tomorrow (finally) and already I'm on a relaxed (read: non existant) work schedule.

5. The photo of me and the CG was waiting for me in my inbox when I got in today!

And now I feel like going swimming... I'll try not to have a cigarette on the way to the pool.

- The Beatles "Here Comes the Sun" -

before she sleeps in the sand

I'm irritated as fuck and I can't find the write today.

I was just thinking - if I ever meet Bob Dylan (doubtful), I will give him a hug and offer him a cigarette. It's rediculous how cool that guy is.

I'll come back to this later. Blahhhh.

- Bob Dylan "Blowin in the Wind" -

it's too late - ready or not at all

Found out today that our TOA has been postponed - now what? Are we ever leaving, or what's the story? This is like the moment of anticipation right before you get a shot - there's the needle, turn away, should I wince yet? Hold my breath... still nothing... look over at the nurse, she's put the needle down and is doing something else - breathe easy for a second, but I know the shot's still coming - oh, she's picked it up again, pulling up my sleeve, look away-

TNM is basically trained. I'm going to (try to) let her do it herself today. I know she's capable - just hard to let go, you know? I've gotten so proficient - I feel like I'm spinning an elaborate spiderweb, or conducting an orchestra - up here, attach a strand, pull down here, cellos - a little louder, weave through these, get this just perfect, dip and weave and hum and create and mix and look! there in the sunshine, drops of dew and music notes have attached themselves to my web - isn't it beautiful? Now take it down, carefully, and tuck it away - a new day and a new symphony-web to create -

I fucking LOVE my job! I'm not good (really good) at many things, but this I am very, very good at. I guess that's part of why I don't want to give it up?

Time to stop stalling and get in the shower. Have to be at work in an hour.

- Green Day "Waiting" -

when I was down, you just stood there grinning

Today - today! Today was fantastic! Today was one day closer to getting the fuck out of this psychotic place. That's not really fair - if I could spend all my time in the MOC and not have to worry about unit bullshit (and all sorts of other bullshit), then I think I could stay here forever. And I really mean that with all of my heart.

I'm actually starting to feel myself getting resentful of our replacements. That's crazy! I want them to succeed, obviously, because the public affairs mission over here is a very important one... but - for example, yesterday, The New Me (from this point forward to be referred to TNM) changed the way I'd been upkeeping the press desk inbox. Granted, my system wasn't perfect, and I was really the only one doing any significant deleting out of the inbox (too long of a process to explain - just stay with me, people), but TNM has been here, what, three days? That's MY inbox, bitch! And that's really how I still kind of feel about it. I keep trying to talk myself down out of it - I'm fucking leaving, this is going to be her show pretty soon - but I'm... having a really hard time with this. I've made such great relationships with so many spectacular public affairs professionals - I want to be special. I don't WANT to be replaced. I'm going to bawl like a little fucking girl on our last day - whenever that is.

And that's the other thing. TNM and TNMD (figure it out) are basically trained up. Tomorrow I'm going to just hang out in the MOC and see how she does. But I still don't know when we're leaving - and I really need to have something to brace myself against. I'm afraid one day we'll get an email from the SGM saying 'pack your shit, we're leaving tomorrow.' I'm not ready! Where did April go? Where did 2007 go? This place is MINE, my fucking HOME, I know how everything goes and what to say and who to talk to and I'mnotreadytoleavenotreadytoleavenotreadyyoucan'tmakemeyoucan'tmakemeleaveI'mnotreadynotreadynotready.

And I hate crying. Why am I crying over Iraq? I've spent the last year of my life crying. I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

This sucks. (understatement) :/ (also an understatement)

Disclaimer: This is unrelated:

If one more fucking person asks me why I didn't answer my phone, I'm going to throw it against the fucking wall. Yes! Yes, I'm a fucking hypocrite, and I don't give a FUCK. I'm here another two weeks or so, maybe less - can I be happy for awhile? Kthanks.

It's Positively Fourth Street, my friend! (look it up)

I'm going out for a cigarette.

- Bob Dylan "Positively Fourth Street" -

a black fly in your Chardonay

Tomorrow we may go swimming. I told him I'd talk to him tomorrow and gave him my email address. Despite all of these things, he came off really genuine, and even a little sweet. He probably even listens to Toby Keith. He didn't say it, but I'd bet he came from a small, blue collar town and believes in hard work and pride. I feel like I should hate him because of how much he loves the Infantry, because he has a tribal armband, and because I'm certain he bleeds red white and blue. He has a really defined jawline. I'm making him sound gay, but he's not gay. He told me I speak really well, and couldn't belive I went to a public school (??) and was very interested in my toenails. He told me about his sisters and confessed that he likes Enya - and Nickelback (shudder). He told me about his job over here and how he used to be in the Marine Corps (he's NG now) and that he enjoys fighting (professionally - if there is such a thing). And anyway, we were just talking. This is just a random guy - I only know his first name. Really, though, I do try very hard to be likeable, and I guess that could be taken as flirtatious (is that a word?). I guess that might be part of it. 63 says I'm too nice to people, that I'm a flirt, and that I need to learn how to tell people to fuck off. Why does this happen to me? I actually had a really nice time. Someone I didn't know came by my place tonight and talked to me for over two hours.

- Alanis Morissette "Ironic" -

if you call, I will answer

it's not that bad - i'll stop before it gets any worse
or
tomorrow i'll quit
or
this is it, this is the last time
or
if it ever feels like this again, it's done
or
or as soon as this is over (just let me get through this), i'll stop
or
one last chance to feel better - i mean it this time

...i think i must know how addicts feel

make excuses, make excuses, make excuses

excuses

excuses

excuses

excuses

make excuses so you don't have to

deal. . . . . . . . . . . .
with. . . . . . . .
reality. . .

the mess you created.

and you know you have no one to blame but yourself.

i have always loved you - this is why you will kill me.

...but if i could, i would go back and take a huge eraser to the day i met you. i thought you had a nice smile. i never asked for this.

- Barenaked Ladies "Call and Answer" -

take your protein pills and put your helmet on

1. Finish packing, throw shit out

2. Train replacement

3. Stock up on cigarettes

4. Take pictures of everything I'd been meaning to

5. Save crap from computer on thumb drive

6. Get everyone's contact info

7. Mail home laptop

8. Clean IBA

9. Finish packing (seriously this time)

10. Stand on the roof one last time

11. Charge iPod and camera

12. Buy more cigarettes

13. Say good bye

- David Bowie "Space Oddity" -

hey man, free rides just don't come along every day

So... probably I'm going to hell over this... (if I'm not already for laughing at the My other car is a VBIED bumpersticker outside the Green Bean... haha, still hysterical) but I'm writing a press release about the mock-street corner-dedication to W and S. You might remember them as the two most broken people in our unit (and that's really saying a lot)... now they will be memorialized at Whatman Square, down the road from the CSH. I hear someone even got a street sign made for the corner. Anyway, I drafted a press release for the ceremony (there will be no ceremony) and changed all the names of the guilty, so if V doesn't post this on our last day here, I will. Although... I'll probably have to fuzz up the unit name some more before I post it, because even with name changes, you could still figure out who I was talking about.

And you know what's surprisingly hard? Writing really good quotes. I can spout talking points like nobody's business, and while they are factually correct (if you ignore the IO), they sound canned. I am incapable of giving a good, genuine sounding quote. I would be the worst subject for an interview because I'd be trying too hard to get the perfect quote, get my soundbite just right, that it would sound fake. I'm starting to notice that I unconsciously slip command messages into my normal conversations now. What is wrong with me? I've been in public affairs too long. Blech.

Also - the live version of "Melissa" by the Allman Brothers is waaaaaaay better than the studio version. Just in case you were wondering.

- The Offspring "Why Don't You Get a Job?" -

let me forget about today until tomorrow

Go away, world. I'm not ready to deal with you today. Go away and shut the door behind you, but gently; I don't want to feel the draft from your departure - I don't want to be reminded that you exist at all. I've cried enough over you lately. Go.

When I woke up this morning I knew I wasn't prepared for the sun, or your harsh criticism. I don't want to see anyone, can't bring myself to form words for you. My heart is feeling too faint, my fingers are tired, and I don't have the energy to talk anymore. I'm too old to play today. My knees and hands are swollen and sad; let me rest awhile.

I just can't take your judgement today - so go away. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel stronger, maybe my friend St. John will have me feeling bolder, maybe it won't seem so bleak, looking out over the destruction and not knowing where to even begin. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to see the horizon... and I wouldn't mind a little of your sunshine.

- Bob Dylan "Mr. Tamborine Man" -

of a runaway american dream

my horoscope for today: "if you are feeling extra sensitive or emotional right now, don't fight it. turn to your loved ones for the comfort you need -- even just a short phone call could make you feel ten times better.

do not worry if you are going through some sad feelings, it's nothing to be concerned about. you are an imperfect human and it is a healthy thing to process all your feelings -- both the positive, 'it's going to be a great day' feelings and the negative 'i don't want to get out of bed' feelings."

ha. you have no fucking idea.

do you realize that i'm 22? when the fuck did this happen? i simultaneously feel like i'm 15 and 50. i'm either slapping myself for being so naive or realizing with horror how bitter i am. where did the last, like 4 years go? i've wasted so much fucking time being miserable, and why? ok... yes... i'll fucking admit it: i LIKE it. miserable is manageable, miserable i can take. miserable is familiar (where did i hear that?) and won't surprise me. it's safe.

but i hate it as much as i love it... does that make sense? i would KILL to be happier, you know? i just can't let go... and ever decision i make seems to go back to misery. is that even possible? even when i think i'm in love... can't embrace it fully unless it fucks me up a little.

and i see that this is only holding me back, i KNOW. i've been trying to turn all this angst and anger into something productive... can you imagine? can you imagine what i could accomplish if i could harness this? the thought... almost... scares me.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

can we please just talk about this? can you stop shutting down every time i try to talk to you about something that is bothering me? i'm going to have a mental fucking breakdown if i can't talk to SOMEONE about this. do you see the way my hands shake? the circles under my eyes? i want to dig my fingers into my eyes until i'm bleeding, can't see, claw my skin raw, slam my head against the wall until i black out. i'm falling the fuck apart.

this is fucking BAD and i can't.. i can't breathe sometimes. it makes me sick, i feel completely helpless and i hate that, i hate that more than you know. me? helpless? who saw THAT coming? i've tried so fucking hard to set myself up so that i don't need anyone for shit. of the most part, i don't... except for this... i can't keep all of this in my head or i'll go fucking crazy, i promise you. can you see what a big deal this is for me to even tell you this? please don't turn your back on me, i just want to talk, please.

i... i can't do this by myself.

...

today i realized something both insignificant and earth-shattering as i was reaching into my pocket for my chapstick. do you know how long i've had this particular tube of chapstick? i bought it before i went to fort dix and started using it probably a month into training. this never happens! usually by now it has either gotten lost or gone through the wash and melted in the dryer. i don't think i have ever, in my entire life, kept a tube long enough to use the whole thing. i can never hang on to chapstick for some reason.

kind of like my men.

...

Rico: i'm not over you. it's been 6 fucking years since you told me you loved me for the first time, and yeah, i really believed you, and that still fucking hurts. you can see the damage in me every single day. i set my heart in your hands so completely - i've never been so open and unguarded with anyone since you. yeah, it was a shitty relationship, but i still believed in the power of loving someone and its ability to solve any problem that arises. even when you were verbally (and eventually physically) abusive with me, i honestly thought it would be ok if only i loved you a little more, a little more... but loving you turned out to not be enough. par for the fucking course, as it would turn out.

what hurts me - crushes me - isn't that you fell for her. that i understand. what fucking destroys me is the fact that you LIED so easily and completely and never ONCE stopped to think about what that would do to me. the day you realized you loved her, the fucking DAY, you should have told me you didn't want to be with me anymore and spared me the next YEAR of agony. instead you told me i was wrong, paranoid, that you loved only me, and even when it was clear as day that you were lying, i continued to lie to MYSELF, like to myself for YOU, so you could have your cake and eat it too. don't you see that? all i wanted was for you to be happy, as the expense of myself. and i was willing to forgive, try to understand, if only you'd been honest with me...

sometimes i really think the day i found the letter she wrote you about the baby was the worst day of my life. i've felt that icy feeling in the pit of my stomach since then, but never like i did that day.

from the bottom of my heart, and with all of my soul: FUCK YOU.

and CF: i can barely bring myself to speak your name. what you did to me is equally unforgivable, but for different reasons. you never loved me but you told me you did, and you never loved her, though i'm sure you told her you did just the same. you stayed with me because it was convenient, and maybe you wanted to get caught, i don't know, you were so sloppy with you actions i can only reason that you didn't care if i found out. you never cared enough to even try to shelter me from the horrible truth, and you let her TEAR INTO ME while i stood there completely defenseless, armed only with your feeble explanation of your behavior. you brought her to our HOUSE, you held her in MY CAR. MY FUCKING CAR. in that way you are worse than Rico, because your actions had nothing to do with love and everything to do with YOURSELF. you never gave a SHIT about me.

but i ignored it, didn't i? ignored what i knew, anyways. and even as i found things out, i'd scream and through shit and yeah, that one time i hit you in the face, and then what? i'd cry and you'd hold me and the next day, a few days later, it was ok, like nothing happened. even as she rubbed my face in it! even as she described the inside of our apartment, or gleefully told me how you couldn't keep your hands off her when you ended up at her house after we'd had a fight, or how she met you every morning at work and brought you a coffee only minutes after i'd dropped you off, or recounted in sickening detail the threesome you had with her and rick the FIRST FUCKING MONTH WE LIVED TOGETHER, i fucking LET IT GO. how fucking STUPID was i to keep going back for more? i don't know who i hate more, you or myself.

NEVER, NEVER AGAIN.

...

so where are you? prince charming? where you hiding?

are there any truthful, faithful guys our there? hello? hello??

honest... LOYAL... MINE.

and... AND i want someone to know the rootless life i am going to lead, and be ok with it. can you really see me standing in the kitchen with an apron on, a plate of cookies in my hands? meeting you at the front door with a kiss? that isn't me, i can't be the one to sit at home and wonder what the fuck is going on. there will be no two car garage, white picket fence, golden retriever. i'm not sure i even want a house - or kids - at all. i'm not even sure i should be in a fucking relationship with anyone, nevermind try to settle down anywhere. my life is too fucking short to sit anywhere. i've already lost too much time. i want to chase you around the world and be chased, i want to wake up in a different city as soon as i've learned my way around the last one.

i thought i'd come close to an understanding, a heartbeat in time with mine, but it turns out the closer i get, the farther away it seems i am. you cannot find yourself in another person and think that's it, there's your refuge. is there really a light at the end of the tunnel? i'm beginning to think there isn't.

i'm always running, always jumping through the hoops, always trying and hoping that my efforts will pay off in the end... and you look at me like you don't even know me. i look in the mirror and i barely know myself. i should be deliriously happy with this life i've been afforded, with the result of my sweat. i could go anywhere from here, and i will, make no mistake. i just want someone to come with me, travel and grow and BURN with me the way i have to. it's a waste of a day if i don't feel, at least once, like my heart is going to explode. i can't stand stagnancy, i won't ever allow myself to be tied down. so yeah, maybe i'll NEVER be satisfied! there are a dozen places i need to LIVE, a thousand places i need to SEE, a million things i need to DO. can you keep up with me? i'm starting to doubt that you can. i can't afford to lose any more time, i should be spiraling off in another direction, miles and miles from here. can you hold my had from across the world? i can already feel your fingers starting to slip.

so maybe... maybe i really am better off alone.

and maybe it's time to start dealing with the reality of just how fucked up i am. i could run until i can't breathe, drink until i can't stand, crawl in the sand after the shadow of MY american dream, and bathe myself near clean with the useless tears i've shed, and NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING will absolve me of my sins against MYSELF. i've ever done anything to you but LOVE you and that was never enough. how can i compare? SHE is so beautiful, so perfectly shaped, so smart and lovely, everything you want, SHE makes you light up like no one else, obviously, because she's STILL THERE, still looming in the background, just out of sight. and what have i been, the good times girl? my plain, lumpy self, a head full of problems... what was i really expecting?

how was it to know that you could have us both if only you'd learned the right words to say to me? and no matter what i do, no matter how much of myself i cut off and try to give to you, i'm always 2.

SHE has been different every time, but i'm always the same.

worn thin and aways 2.

so tell me - what is there to do but run?

"...someday, i don't know when

we're gonna get to that place

where we really want to go

and we'll walk in the sun..."

- Bruce Springsteen "Born to Run" -

well I guess I should have heard of them from you

i cried for a long fucking time tonight... took a walk and cried the entire way back to my room, cried until i couldn't see straight. i made it back and stood outside my door a second to catch my breath and i almost threw up. my chest ached (still does), my knees were weak (still are), my eyes felt like bruises (still do).

you don't understand (neither do i)... i started crying for NO FUCKING REASON, none at all. my day went EXACTLY the way i feared it would one say... and then there i was, crying so hard i couldn't breathe. it was just a day. just an average fucking day.

and the more i walked, it was like every injustice that had ever been done to against me, every shitty thing anyone has ever said to me, every time i've ever been lied to, cheated on, stabbed in the back, kicked while i was down... it all came crashing down on me and i literally couldn't stop the snowball... and then not only did it mow me down, it threw the gears in reverse and flattened me again.

and as much as i knew i was just feeling sorry for myself, i couldn't stop. a pity parade in my honor, and i was marching along right out front... with a baton and a whistle and that stupid hat those people who lead parades always wear.

what kills me the most... and maybe i'm wrong in thinking this way... is that i consider myself to be a generally good person... and the cheating was the worst... because not only did it happen, did i ALLOW it to happen in a couple instances, did i ignore the signs, look the other way... the worst part was afterward, when my heart stopped pounding and my head cleared a little... and then there i was, wanting a hug, trying to think of some way this could be made up to me, thinking of that they'd have to say to make it alright. realizing this tonight made me cry even harder.

i told him to get the fuck out, or i took off, or whatever... and then an hour later all i wanted was to crawl into his lap and be held while i cried, CRIED OVER HIM. cried over how stupid i was? is someone who treated me so badly, laid next to me every night, lied right to my fucking face, even WORTH my tears? shouldn't i be burning all his shit and steeling myself against the pain?

i have a high tolerance for physical pain, but when it comes to emotional pain, it always seems easier to go back to the source and try and live with it than to push away and move on. so is that a fear of change? i guess.

i guess part of it IS routine (i've been thinking about this all night, so be prepared for my epiphany). seeing someone every second of your day, sharing all your thoughts, pouring your entire self into the relationship... eating, sleeping, and breathing another person... ad then to find out you love them SO MUCH MORE than they will EVER love you, so much that they would do something so horrible as to betray your trust and throw away all the work you've put in, so willing to discard you as if you were worthless... guess i was. it was always easier, lazier, safer to just stay, no matter how bad it was... not as scary as never having someone to hug and kiss and love. every guy i've ever been with has felt like the last... so after all this and despite all the dishonesty, i can't very well be ALONE, right?

so maybe there's something i can do to make this better, make you want me, make you love me as much as i love you, or even almost as much, half as much? i think i could settle for that. i think if i love you long enough and hard enough it will be good enough for the both of us, and as long as you promise not to ever leave, you can do what you want to me and i'll always be right here, maybe screaming how much i hate you, maybe crying and crying and crying, but rest assured, i'll be here.

you're broken and you treat me like shit and you don't deserve me but i love you anyways. when you're done stomping on my heart, i'm going to pick it up, dust myself off, and hand it back to you.

so yeah, part of it was routine, but most of it was just love and the fact that i always fall so hard, so fast... sometimes for the wrong person. i mean, very OBVIOUSLY the wrong person, right? if you're going to have someone else move in with you while i'm away at training, if you're going to use my fucking car to go visit your exgirlfriend, if you are going to keep naked pictures of your ex on your laptop and lie to me about it, lie to me about everything... you don't deserve a SECOND of my time.

and the fact that i was more willing to swallow that than to try to find someone who appreciates and loves me the way i deserve... that's probably the biggest tragedy of all. tonight as i walked home, i realized just how much i'm not over this... i'm not over it at all. i'm never the one who leaves, and every time i've been left, i stuffed it in a little box and vowed never to look at it ever again.

maybe that's why it's happened to me so many times.

i'm going to go to bed now... but first, i have a beautiful scrapbook to look through again... i've been neglecting it the way i've been neglecting all this baggage i'm carrying... but i'm trying, i really am, to get my head straight and stop fucking everything up. it's so easy to just say, "whatever, i'm so fucked up" and just use that as an excuse for everything... but really its just being fucking lazy and not dealing with reality and with your responsibilities. i'm NOT a princess, i understand this, oh i understand this more than you know.

"...i'm waiting for blood, to flow to my fingers

i'll be alright when my hands get warm..."

- Dashboard Confessional "The Best Deceptions" -

I said, "someday you'll understand"

my life these days is the most bizarre thing i have ever seen.

earlier tonight (yes, i am 8 hours ahead of those of you on the east coast) i went swimming in one of saddam's pools. a poolside dj played hits of the 80 (it's that an oxymoron??) while my Battle and i floated in the shadowy warm water, staring up at a PERFECT moon through the palm trees. a group of guys played volleyball next to us and people along the pool smoked cigarettes and laughed to each other.

before we went swimming, i ate a ridiculously good chicken wrap in the dining facility, and Battle and i walked back to our rooms to get our towels along the carved-stone walkways, eating ice cream cones.

how can i even tell you about this? how can i make you see how it isn't what you thing, it isn't what I thought, either. i feel so guilty enjoying this... people are our in such worse conditions... and here i am drinking lattes in the palace, not wearing any body armor, not worrying about IEDs along the road i take to work or car bombs going off in the parking lot... sure, there is the occasional mortal, but it's NOTHING like it is elsewhere. the environment here in the embassy compound is a professional, white-collar one. can you understand how i could come to love this place? i can feel myself slipping, getting comfortable... here in iraq. iraq. iraq.

and the palace... my god... how could someone ever LIVE like this while his people are struggling in such poverty? i saw the pictures from the first invasion of the insane wealth, i'm sure you have too... it's so much different when it's right here in front of you. much of the furniture was stolen or destroyed in the beginning of the war, but a scattering of ornate couches and chairs remain. the walls, the marble floors, domed ceilings... you know what? there is nothing i can say that will help you to understand. my words are failing me; i am incapable of painting a picture for you to see, to touch and smell and taste. this place is nothing like i have ever seen, nor anything i could have ever imagined. you see the pictures and you think you understand, but you don't, trust me, you don't.

it must have been like a sinister disneyland, only instead of mickey's face everywhere, it was saddam, all saddam... statues and posters and murals, huge portraits now covered with drapes in the palace. where does such arrogance come from? how could he watch the parades he forced his people to hold in his honor, oversee the construction of yet ANOTHER palace? how could he sleep at night knowing there was such a stark difference between his life and the life of those in his country? and the deaths he ordered...

it makes me embarrassed for mankind.

and i have realized how little i knew (and still know) about the world. it boggles my fucking mind.

"...well, i'm here to tell you now, each and ev'ry mother's son,

you better learn it fast, you better learn it young

'cause 'someday' never comes..."

- Creedence Clearwater Revival "Someday Never Comes" -

and we could talk about forever for a day or two

oh fuck yes.

so ok, this has been an insanely crazy fucked up ride. these past three weeks have whipped by and i'm still out of breath from the race to keep up. i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. i'm crazy happy... and yet a part of me still gets defensive over that. i shouldn't have to justify my friggin happiness, you know? no one has to understand but me, and for a good part of it i don't. and that's ok. it matters not what i'm doing, or where i'm going, it's the people i'm spending time with that make the difference, and those people i wouldn't trade for the world. in such a short time i feel a lot more like family than i have in a long long time. and this time, it's all me, i'm not "Rico's girlfriend," just an accessory for his ego. these people hang out with me for me.. and that means more to me that you can imagine. i've done so much in the past few weeks that i wouldn't for anyone else... and i fucking love it. i can't friggin wait for halloween, no drama this time!

in fact, no more drama ever! Tree makes me feel so incredibly happy, the things that he does for me and the way he looks at me and what he says to me. i've never met anyone so willing to give so much of themselves to someone they don't even really know. he's just plain amazing... don't know what else to say. don't know what the future holds. but i'm happy with the way things are and are going... ;)

Nibbey ; you are the bestest friend i could ever hope for, and i'm so happy that everything is ok with us again. and to think, you started off as a friend of a friend... now you're the closest friend i have. i wouldn't have wanted to have miscarriages and bloody socks with anyone but you (haha). thanks again for everything, for still being there when i need to vent and for always offering a shoulder to cry on. i laugh so much with you it makes me want to puke. it might not sound like it, but that's a good thing. :)

and i still miss CF, i really, really do. i can't listen to country songs without thinking of him, and i had to take all the pictures down and put all his clothes away. i drove around for a couple days with a picture of the two of us on my dashboard, but now it just makes me too sad.

"so before you go and turn me on

be sure that you can turn me loose"

- Dierks Bentley "Lot of Leaving Left to Do" -

the silence in black and white falling forward as she walks toward the light

...so it's done.

and we cried and cried and held each other and cried some more... but it's done.

we were laying on his bed and i was crying and he rolled over and said, "hey, calm down, i'm not breaking up with you right now." and i said, "i know. i'm breaking up with you."

he kind of sucked in a breath.

he asked me if it was really what i wanted to do, if i understood that now there's no going back to us... and i said yes, and he hung his head but didn't beg me to change my mind. he pulled me into his lap and told me again and again how much he loves me and how he really knew this had to happen. he apologized for ever letting shit get fucked up, and told me how he wished we could have been good from the start. he wiped my tears on his sleeve and stroked my head and cried and cried. he wanted me to stay the afternoon so we could talk but i told him i couldn't, and he understood. my god, i love him, i really do... we just can't keep doing this to ourselves. we just can't be together anymore... and if i didn't do it, it was only a matter of time before he did. i want to be happy again, i want him to be happy. we cried but there were no hard feelings. when i left we were both still crying, neither of us wanted to let go... but we did. he kissed me goodbye and hugged me tightly and then stepped back so i could go.

it was the best breakup i could have ever hoped for.

(tears)

i think i need some time to myself now.

- Hawthorne Heights "Niki FM" -

wishing to be the friction in your jeans

argh...

so a few psycho 15+ hour days at work and now they've told me: GO HOME. ha... it's only been open since friday and already the wareham shaw's is starting to feel like home. and i've befriended the necessary management so that my time there will be easy and worry free. gotta get in with the right people, right?

what the fuck dude. for a second i felt really cool being able to say that, but then i realized i was talking about SHAW'S supermarket. i'm so fucking lame it kills me.

but anyways.

got back from wareham and talked to my Nibbey and decided to ditch out on the whole car-pooling to drill idea (don't really care to see Regular Army Guy right now anyways... i've had more of his condescending, better-than-you attitude than i can take... which is considerably awkward, considering i live with the guy...) and go visit some old friends back home. it ought to be good for me. lately i've been feeling a little confused and disenchanted about a certain situation... sing along if you know the words... (sigh)

but yeah so i'm gonna get my ass in gear now before all the beer is gone. kidding. or am i??

maybe i'm just waiting for a reaction.....................??

fuck (sigh) yeah... whatever.

- Fall Out Boy "Sugar, We're Going Down" -

but it's not just my finish that's peeling, and it's not alone fleeing these walls

oh dashboard... we meet again...

ok, so i know i have problems, issues i need to work out. i understand this, and it's not that i don't want to deal with this, i do, just not everything all at once. i can only hold so many things together at the same time before i start to come apart at the seams. sometimes i think i need to just run away from everything i have here and there and all that i've ever known... and just start over. and YES, i would miss a lot of people, and YES, i would think about coming back all the time... but jesus fucking christ... how many times do people have to let me down? no, more importantly, how many times after i'm let down will i get back up and ask for more? this is such bullshit, i know it is, i've always known it is. some things are just to good to be true and it's only a matter of time before you realize what's hiding underneath that killer smile. and you'd think that once i realized it i would have gotten the hell out of there. and yet i didn't. at least then i would have had a shred of dignity left. now i just feel like day old left overs. "i'm gonna take this home cause i'm SO gonna eat it later, for real this time!" yeah, my leftovers always end up in the trash, too. that was a really poor metaphor. i guess i just don't know what i'm talking about. i guess what i mean to say is that it isn't fair, that i deserved some sort of warning, i shouldn't have the whole world raining down on my head all at once. i'm not as fucking strong as you think i am, as i pretend to be! i have spots that my shell doesn't cover and you always find them. like a turtle on its back. it's all there for the taking. see this heart? it's still fucking beating. it's still beating and i'm still stupidly here and still waiting, for something! waiting for i don't even know what. waiting for a solution to a problem i don't even understand. maybe there's no solution because there's no problem. maybe there never should have been the chance for a problem to arise. i knew it didn't feel quite right. now i don't even know what to do with my feelings, not that i understand them. i don't know what to do right now, i'm like suspended in midair and i can't figure out how to move away. i need to get out of this fucking place. i thought an hour away would be far enough but i was wrong. i need to be 10 million miles away from here. i need to be away so that i don't ever have to hear your name again. i don't know what i could have done to inspire so much hatred, but whatever i did, i'm sorry. i sincerely hope that it's just your way of dealing with... everything.

all i know is that i cried tonight, A LOT, and that's gotta mean something.

doesn't it?

- Dashboard Confessional "Turpentine Chaser" -

if you want it, come and get it, crying out loud...

oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man!!!

so i found the tickets online today...! didn't do terrible else, i'm afraid... like the laundry i had all ready in my car, or going for that run i was planning on this afternoon... although i DID paint my nails BRIGHT friggin orange, very festive, don't you think? maybe a little early, but i don't really are. what else did i do?? oh yeah, Mr. Regular Army and i walked downtown to go to this farmer's market which ended up being pretty sad, actually. there were only three, er, farmers there. kinda lame.

and so you know what the tickets mean... my diet starts TODAY. cause now i have a dress to wear and everything. i'm gonna borrow one of S.D.'s cause she's the coolest. fuck... i'm so friggin nervous, too. it's been... shit, it will be two whole years in march. i don't think i look THAT much different from then... well, my hair is shorter, but other than that... fuck... i dunno. i'm like worrying myself sick. i'm not worried about how i look, i'm just plain nervous to see him at all, you know? like i don't even know how to react to seeing him for the first time again. i mean, do i just wave hello? shake his hand? casual hug? tear his clothes off? what do i do?

and what the fuck am i going to wear? (ok, that sounded really girly... but considering the situation, i think i'm allowed) i don't want to look like i'm trying too hard. so hair up or down? maybe just up, kinda messy, like i wasn't trying? i should probably get it trimmed before i go. and i totally need to get my eyebrows done. so hair up? earrings? or is that overkill? cause i never really wear earrings, only sometimes one in the cartilage of my left ear. and no jewelry. not that i really own any (don't even get me started). fuck! there is NO NEED for me to be freaking out about this. but you have no friggin idea how long i've waited for this. and it seems that all my preparation has left me... sadly unprepared. i don't know what to expect at all. i mean, the way it was left off the last time i saw him... but that was so long ago, and things are somewhat different now... and my nails will surely be bitten down to bloody nubs before i get off that plane.

i'll be there nov 8-15, if anyone is interested... fuck, i can't wait that long...

well, gotta run, cause it's almost 11 and i have like a million crunches to do before bedtime. and i need to work tomorrow morning... and my eyes are burning. and i'm just a big baby. ;)

also, FUCK GAMESTOP.

...

A quaS eafoaM 19: gay

ap0llo2113: ur gay!

A quaS eafoaM 19: your mom is gay

A quaS eafoaM 19: betcha didn't see that one coming

ap0llo2113: yes i did!

A quaS eafoaM 19: ................i was being sarcastic

"i'm kicking though the autumn leaves

and wondering where it is you might be going to,

turning back for home.

you know i'm feeling so alone..."

- David Gray "Babylon" -

she swears that soon she'll be coming back forever

so Mr. Regular Army and i finally finished the first season of Veronica Mars... which ended on a cliff hanger, of course. and the next season doesn't start until the 28th. bitches... two whole weeks away... they're gonna be tough.

...

there's a cat sleeping behind the computer monitor as i'm typing this. fucking adorable. :)

...

i remember this commercial i saw a few years ago about getting tested for AIDS and shit... actually, it might have been a Herpicin commercial, now that i think of it. but anyways, in the commercial, the infected people were all walking around with bright yellow shirts on that said HERPES or something on the front in big black letters, their disease known to everyone who looked at them. and the point of the commercial was, "wouldn't it be nice if it were this easy?" or something like that, i'm paraphrasing as usual. i might even have the commercial all wrong, but the POINT is that it got me thinking (just the other day, so many years after i saw this commercial), i wish there were shirts for EVERY infection, especially mental ones. don't you think that would be a good idea?

you can see it if you try, big black letters on yellow:

I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN THE CONVERSATION, I JUST WANT TO FUCK YOU AND THEN NEVER CALL YOU AGAIN.

or

AS SOON AS YOU'RE GONE FOR MORE THAN A WEEK, I WILL CHEAT ON YOU WITH A GIRL I JUST MET AND THEN MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY WITH HER AND NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.

or

I'M A SLUT AND I'M IRRESPONSIBLE AND CANNOT BE TRUSTED WITH ANYTHING AND EVENTUALLY I WILL FUCK YOU ON THE RENT AND THEN ONCE YOU'VE LOST INTEREST IN ME WILL I FINALLY DECIDE TO ACT LIKE A BOYFRIEND.

or

I AM INCAPABLE OF MAKING DECISIONS FOR MYSELF AND WILL TAKE ALL MY AGGRAVATION OUT ON YOU AND THEN SHRUG IT OFF BY SAYING, "THIS IS HOW I'M GONNA BE."

why don't you pick out your fucking shirt.

i think i deserved some sort of warning for the unacceptable behavior i was subjected to. FUCK YOU. fuck you if you've ever done anything other than be a good person to me. fuck you if you've ever hurt me by not telling me something or by telling me something that wasn't true or by NOT SAYING ANYTHING AT ALL. fuck you for hurting my feelings or making me wait or letting me believe in a life i didn't have. bad shit happens, BIG FUCKING DEAL. that does NOT give you the right to use me as your personal punching bag, as if my life has been all cotton candy and starry eyes and hand holding. maybe if you've been here all along you'd understand all the shit i've been put through.

and it's long like i can talk to you about it now. i don't want the lectures and i don't want you getting all condescending every time i bring up a mistake i've made. fuck you for not listening and understanding. or at least trying to.

and that's all ok, right? cause everyone has a right to be angry and everyone has a right to just fly off the handle and say a bunch of shit they might consider apologizing for later on. so no harm, no foul?

that's what i fucking thought.

...

(sigh)

and the search for tickets continues.

"on the other side of town a boy is waiting,

with fiery eyes and dreams no one could steal.

she drives on through the night anticipating

cause he makes her feel the way she used to feel..."

- Eagles "Lyin' Eyes" -