holding the lion's share

Oh wow a busy couple of days. This calls for an update!

- Made an appointment for Tuesday to speak to the peeps at the education office (walk ins, while supposedly accepted, are apparently discouraged)

- Via Tree, spoke with our property manager and found that the owners are indeed still interested in selling; set up a meeting with the property manager for Monday (my gentle and patient Tree will handle this as well... my only contact with her is to scream at/threaten her when something is wrong with the house - Good Cop/Bad Cop seems to be the only way to get her to do things)

- Bought some new fancies for the house and prettied it up during our day off together yesterday (this never happens); worked on the yard a little and made more plans for Easter

- Christened the drum set for Guitar Hero (should have just bought the whole package at once) and scolded the cats for chewing the foot pedal cord in half the day after we bought it. Tree managed to Frankenstein the wires so that it works again but it looks pretty sketchy. Luckily we're getting a free pedal for pre-ordering GH: Metallica, otherwise... I don't know. Otherwise I'd just sulk, I guess.

Something else really fucking bizarre happened to me today, but I'm not ready to post about it - I just don't know how I feel about the whole thing. It's not anything bad, so please don't worry... it's just - weird. I'm going to take a day or so to mull over it and then I'll see what you guys think. :/

---

Also, Googling ex-boyfriends is HILARIOUS.

"I served in the Marine Corps as an Intelligence Specialist ..." Really? Is that what they're calling Air Support Operations Operator now? Cause I'm pretty sure that's what it was called when you were doing it. Before they kicked you out.

I hope LinkedIn allows page owners to see who links to their page (guffaw) !

"no, you can't bring it down cause I'm - "

- Metallica "Better Than You" -

indeed a fool am I

So - 

Recently I've begun to admit to myself that I can't keep riding along with no college degree. It's embarrassing, but here I am, 23 with nothing to show, really. And it's sad, fucking pathetic actually, because I know I have the mental capacity to do it, I just can't seem to do it, do you know what I mean? I do a little research and find a college and program I'm interested in, anxiety mounting, and then when it gets down to it, I freeze up. I have an intense, real, not-even-exaggerating phobia of paperwork. This is not an excuse for anything, it's just a fact. 

And I know it's something I have to do in order to progress any farther, but... ?

Do you want to know why I don't have a Facebook account? The truth is, I did create one. I briefly personalized my account before searching for people I know - and then realized that if people searched for me, I'd have nothing listed below my name but my location. What a subtle way to announce to everyone that I'm an alumni of the University of Nothing. I promptly took down my account.

And though I read a lot - A LOT - and yes, it's good for my vocabulary, and yes, it's enriching and all that - but I still feel wholly inarticulate as much as I do embarrassed. I've tried not once, but twice to obtain a college degree, both times ending in spectacular failure due mostly to my laziness and inability to prioritize.

Sometimes I can't even TALK to people, you know? It frustrates me to not be able to debate, to compete. Would four years of higher education make a difference in that? Who the fuck knows. Maybe I'll learn how to fake it better.

In any case, I spent much of today researching - and my stomach feels like shit and I need a fucking cigarette. I'm not lying. I hate this process. Anyway, I made an account on GoArmyEd and poked around and found a few things. I've already determined that whatever program I end up in MUST BE offered entirely online. Can't and won't do the whole "traditional college experience" again.

So here are a few programs I found (in no order):

Thomas Edison State College, BA in Journalism or BA in Communication

These two degrees are Army Career Degrees, which will take into account and credit my time as a 46Q and apply that toward a degree, based on rank and related courses I've completed. It seems I'd be much better off if I were already an E6 and had completed both phases of BNCOC, but I can't worry about that now. There is a representative from Thomas Edison on McGuire, but I will have to call him TOMORROW to find out where the actual building is so I can go talk to him. 

American Military University, BA in Marketing or BA in Middle Eastern Studies

These two I will talk to the counselors at the Education Office about. AMU doesn't offer a BA (or BS) in Communications, but Marketing would be ok, too. And I'd love to go with Middle Eastern Studies, but realistically, where would that get me? Have to ask the counselor.

Burlington County College, AS in Liberal Arts/Science

Kind of a fall back, I guess, being that its a two year program. BCC is right up the road from Dix so it'd be convenient, although the program is offered entirely online, so it doesn't really matter that it's close. Something else to talk to the counselor about.

I have to will go talk to the folks in the Education Office on Dix this week on Thursday to make sure I'm doing everything the right way.

Until Thursday and until I formally begin this next chapter of my life, I continue to gather knowledge haphazardly and accidently. Today I read two more short stories by John Cheever from the aptly titled, The Stories of John Cheever, read about gonzo journalism and Hunter S. Thompson, watched the most recent episode of The Office online, and learned what a straw man argument is.

All in all, a busy day.

"and I journey through the desert of the mind

with no hope

I follow"

- Queens of the Stone Age "No One Knows" -

can't read my, can't read my

Some random things Wikipedia has recently helped me out with:

Amy Fisher - Andy Warhol - Buddy Jesus - bukkake - clove of garlic - cougar - deus ex machina - Dr. Jekyl - Eastern State Penitentiary - Edgar Allan Poe - feed - Fred Weasley - General Hospital - Graves' Disease - Harlem Globetrotters - harlequin - I Can't Believe It's Not Butter - Ione Skye - Jaws 3 - Juneteenth - Kristen Bell - Kurt Warner - lamaze - Lizzie Bordon - MC Hammer - monkey frog - New Kids on the Block - non-canon - Ohio - Oz - Power Rangers - price fixing - Queens of the Stone Age - quinoa - Rainn Wilson - Riesling - ShamWow! - spinal bifida - Tay-Sachs disease - tzatziki - underground - ulna - Veronica Mars - voyeur - WB - When Harry Met Sally- Yehe Nara - yuppie - Zodiac Killer

Thankfully Tree's MacBook saves all the form entries on Wikipedia, allowing me to be reminded of how embarrassing I am.

"check this hand, cause I'm marvelous"

- Lady GaGa "Poker Face" -

if you want to be a hero, well just follow me

Easter at the Blue House

April 12, 2009

Appetizers

--------------------

Stuffed Mushrooms

Something Else Cool

Main Course

--------------------

Slaughtered Pig = :(

General Tso's Tofu = :)

Sides

--------------------

Colcannon

Boring Mashed Potatoes For People Who Hate Colcannon

Green Bean Casserole

Roasted Sweet Potatoes

Acorn Squash

Something With Carrots

Irish Soda Bread

Dessert

--------------------

Janine's Famous Lady Finger Cake

Assorted Cookies / Brownies

Something Else Cool, With Chocolate

Beverages

--------------------

Apple Juice

Soy Milk

Diet Coke

Sam Adams Boston Lager

Magic Hat #9

Malibu Bay Breeze

Or, BYOB

- John Lennon "Working Class Hero" -

can't wait for tomorrow; I might not have that long

The DVIDS training for the MPAD today was a success!! Ever since That Time, I'm fucking terrified for the first half hour of meeting a new unit - Will they be receptive to the training? Will they have a positive attitude? Will they actually learn anything? What if they immediately hate me?

I talked to Tea about that early this morning while we were waiting for them to arrive, and she assured me that That Time was just a freak occurrence and I needn't worry. And it turned out she was right. I showed them an overview video in the morning, followed by a little PowerPoint (not too much - I know it can be fatal in large doses), then some example videos of what not to do. They took a short lunch, then we took the dish outside and they took turns setting it up and breaking it down. As the big finale, we hooked up their camera to the system and called DVIDS to practice coming up on the satellite. All in all a success.

An update to yesterday: my guts are literally screaming to get out, and now I'm afraid to fart. Try not to think about that one too hard.

Oh!! I didn't tell you. So at the advice of Tree's father, we are going to have Easter down here in NJ so Tree and I don't have to split our holiday three ways like we always do. So far my parents, Tree's father and brother have confirmed, my sister and her BF are a 'probably' also confirmed, and Tree's mother and BF are a 'maybe'. I look forward to having our house full of people, my favorite people. :)

Tree and I are still working out what the menu will be, but I'll let you know. I've already resigned myself to the fact that we'll have to serve a meat dish, but I'm not pleased about it.

Well, that's enough rambling for today. Hope you haven't tuned out already. I'll try to be more interesting tomorrow.

"I'll tear my heart out

before I get out"

- Smashing Pumpkins "Today" -

I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face

Tomorrow I am giving a quick DVIDS spin up for a National Guard MPAD about to go to... NTC? That's right, not Iraq, but Fort Irwin, Calif. My supposed friend in the [redacted], whom I met at the DVIDS Instructor Course, is evidently spreading the vicious rumor that I can give the course myself, and at almost no cost to the Army! (The actual course at Crawford Communications is pricey.) Just wait til he returns from theatre - he and I are going to have words...!

So I'll be at the freakin installation PAO office tomorrow while the rest of the world snoozes. Well, Tea will be there. I'm so glad she'll be the one there with me. She's my favorite person over there, endlessly patient with us Soldiers who invade her office a couple times a month, and generous beyond believable. 

In other, disgusting news: I have a relentless stomach virus (or something) that is going to leave me a dry withered skeleton if it keeps up much longer. 

Oh and my house is haunted. Whenever I'm alone, and usually in the late afternoon before it's dark, I can distinctly hear someone (something?) walking up / down the stairs that lead to the loft. And almost every time I take a shower in the bathroom off the bedroom (again, only when I'm alone and usually late afternoon), I can hear muffled talking and laughter coming from the other side of the house.

Tonight I was sitting on the loveseat, which divides the great room in half, so it doesn't sit against a wall. Sitting there, watching tv, and I felt a pressure on the top of the headrest, as if someone had leaned from the back of the couch to look over my shoulder. The cats like to sit on the top of the headrests, so I turned, expecting to see one of them up there. No cat. Was someone leaning? Watching me surf blogs online? I don't mind sharing the house as long as the, ah, visitor, as long at he/she/it is friendly. :/

Oh and - who thinks I should take a scuba diving course / certification in May when it's offered here at the installation pool? Does the fact that I can't swim affect your decision?

And I just finished watching an old episode of CSI ("Gum Drops") and it totally made me cry. :/

Hope you enjoyed those random and disjointed little paragraphs. Time to get ready for tomorrow.

"and you're probably still working a 9-to-5 pace

I wonder how bad that tastes"

- All American Rejects "Gives You Hell" -

the subliminal mindfuck America

Validating what I'd long suspected... (not that I'm "very progressive," which frankly sounds a little arrogant, but that I fall on the liberal end of democrats... I'm actually off the charts! See below)

Here's to bucking the national average! Take the Progressive Quiz yourself here (don't forget to tell me how you scored).

Also, a thought that admittedly isn't original - isn't it sad we won't have such terrific anti-Bush music anymore? I kind of enjoyed screaming "well maybe I'm the faggot America!" out my car window. I know I'm an anomaly in the military - we're typically so Republican that we bleed Toby Keith. We'll put a boot in your ass, 'cause it's the American way, y'all. Guns and blood and fucking shit up and stuff. Sheep blindly following the "shepherd."

A little piece of my own hell: the LT has Ann Coulter books stacked on her desk and everyone cheers during anti-Dem pieces on FOX News - which, by the way, is always on. The LT tries to tell me all the time how Obama is fucking up so bad, how he hasn't managed to repair the economy yet (which took years to destroy, but should somehow turn around in the, what, 52 days he's been president?), how he has grand ideas but no actions (see previous). I'm all for debate; I do despise, however, blatant ignorance.

"now everybody do the propaganda

and sing along in the age of paranoia"

- Green Day "American Idiot" -

my war paint is sharpie ink and I'll show you how much my shit stinks

I've been meaning to post about this, but the end of last week was hectic - Tree and I went back to Mass because this was a drill weekend - and I just didn't have the time. Anyway. Read on for the hilarity awkwardness that was last Thursday:

So recently I decided to mobilize for another year with First Army (I know, who ever saw that coming??) and thus have to get the shit squared away that I'd been lazy about since I got to Dix, namely: MedPros. This is just the system that tracks your medical readiness in a number of categories: immunizations, dental, vision, hearing, periodic heath assessment or PHA (basically a routine physical), etc. Last month I was 'amber,' or in need of an update, in 5 categories.

I took care of the immunization update first: all I needed was a flu shot, ahem, flu mist. Kind of a gross sensation but not a big deal. Then I walked over to the dental clinic, they looked at my teeth, everything seemed fine. So two categories green. Next I went over to the Air Force side of Dix (also known as McGuire AFB) and had a PHA done, they made sure I had all my toes and whatever, that was fine too. Two weeks ago I went back to McGuire and had a vision exam (getting new glasses, but a weaker prescription - odd). All green except... the dreaded 'women's health' category. I HATE gynecologists.

I don't care if this makes me a bad person, but the last time I had a pap smear (about a month before I deployed), I told the gyno I'd been assaulted when I was younger so she'd hurry the hell up. Even though in reality I have never had any sort of trauma like that, I get over-emotional every time and end up crying and/or puking. Fun, right?

[Note: I don't mean to downplay sexual assault by any means, I just really, really fucking hate the exam process and would rather sell one of my arms than have one.]

So I'd called over to McGuire to see about making an appointment (unavoidable if I want to extend my mobilization) and they were booked until, like, 2011. And since I waited so long to start updating my MedPros, I now don't have that kind of time. I had no choice but to make an appointment with a civilian doctor around Dix and eat the cost. Whatever. Except my options were a Planned Parenthood about 30 min away, or some other random clinic nearly two hours away. Not really much of a choice, so Planned Parenthood it is.

Thursday, on my way there (I left during lunchtime and had to be back after the exam to finish up work), all I can think about is the movie Juno. You must have seen it, right? She's pregnant and decides to go have an abortion, except when she gets to the clinic, there's a classmate there protesting and holding a sign with a baby on it, and she tells Juno her baby has fingernails. Juno freaks out and ends up changing her mind.

Anywayyyy, I'm not pregnant and I wasn't going there to see an abortionist (is that a word?), but fuck, what if there were people protesting in the parking lot? Did I mention that, in a colossal oversight, I'd neglected to bring a set of civilian clothes, so here I was driving to this clinic in fucking uniform. Nice one. So what do I say if there are protesters: I just want a fucking pap, people! And not even really want one, but need one! Who the hell is going to believe that?

If there are protesters there I'm turning the fucking car around.

So I get there and thankfully there is no one outside to call me a murderer or whatever. So far so good? I open the door to the clinic and walk into a teeny closet-sized room. The receptionists are on the other side of - I kid you not - bulletproof glass. I have to show ID to prove I have an appointment, then I'm buzzed through a huge heavy door into the waiting room.

There are two other girls there, watching some courtroom tv show on a smallish tv in the corner of the waiting room. I filled out the forms they needed ("choose all the kinds of birth control you use: the pill, condoms, diaphragm, IUD, Depo-Provera, ... pulling out..."). Two more girls come in, looking sullen. No one speaks. Judge So-And-So lectures on.

I finally get to the gyno - she's a tall, blonde, severe woman who doesn't smile when I lamely tell her I hope her hands aren't cold. She doesn't comment on my folded uniform on the chair next to the table, doesn't say anything at all other than, "you need to relax your muscles." I'm just cattle, another random vagina. I'd wondered why my appointment was scheduled for 1:15 and not 1:00 or 1:30... but now it was clear - she was in the room with me for all of 3 min, so she probably does at least 4 exams an hour, with time in between to smoke a butt or take a nap or whatever. And for the $58 I paid? Not too bad for Planned Parenthood, I'd say.

She left the room so I could get changed again and I stepped in a glob of lube on the floor. In my socks. Which I didn't have a spare pair of. Thought about that lube in my boot for the rest of the day.

The moral of this story? Even without protesters carrying signs featuring aborted babies, going to Planned Parenthood is quite possibly the most uncomfortable experience on the planet.

"ask you what you think

because your thoughts and words are powerful"

- Kimya Dawson "Loose Lips" -

why worry when it's warm over here?

I just watched an episode of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares by accident, thinking it was Kitchen Nightmares (same chef, different country) and not realizing the channel was BBC America and not one of the FOX channels we get (I think we get more than one? I'm no good with the tv). 

Wow, what a difference! Tree likes Gordon Ramsay, so we periodically watch Kitchen Nightmares and weekly watch Hell's Kitchen. In both of those (US) shows, Ramsay throws plates of food, mercilessly insults participants, and screams obscenities at everyone. About a quarter of what he says is masked by a beep. 

But in the UK version of Kitchen Nightmares, he's almost pleasant. He still drops an f-bomb here and there, but he's more willing to listen to and actually help his fellow chefs and restaurant owners, and he's much more forgiving with the waitstaff. He didn't call anyone a failure, didn't throw anyone out of the kitchen. In the episode I watched tonight, he circulated through the dining room, personally handing out comment cards to the patrons. In the US version and in Hell's Kitchen, he's rarely not raging in someone's face, let alone interacting with the patrons.

What does this say about US vs UK culture? Is it that (aspiring) American chefs are more dimwitted and therefore more deserving of having food thrown at them when a customer sends it back? Or is it that Ramsay has to be more over the top, more obscene, more shocking, in order to satisfy the American audience? 

After the show, World News came on BBC America and I watched a little and felt sad. It made me think of BBC International, which was shown 24 hours a day on a huge television directly in front of my desk in Baghdad. Of all the 24-hour news channels we monitored (Pentagon News Channel, FOX, CNN, Al Jazeera English, CNN International, BBC-I, and Sky News) BBC-I was my favorite. They'd do longer pieces than the others, and I enjoyed watching the features that focused more on telling the story rather than jamming as much information as possible between commercials. I miss BBC-I, among other things...

"you've got so much to say,

say what you mean

mean what you're thinking

and think anything"

- Cat Stevens "Can't Keep It In" -

I am poison crazy lush

Had a weird/bad dream(s) last night... one person and two animals died. I won't name the individual in case by some weird way I jinx her, but she is an old friend from high school who I have only seen sporadically since then. If you are reading this and wondering if I am talking about you, I'm not. I doubt she knows this blog exists.

Anyway, I was informed of her death over the phone. When I called a mutual friend of ours to let her know, she didn't seem surprised that [redacted] had died. "Oh yeah, she was really sick. They didn't expect her to make it." All nonchalant.

Later, in the same dream or the next, my dog Jake died (he's been dead in real life for a few years now - two?). I was at my parents' house but only my mother was home. She asked me to help her bury him, so I did. We dug a hole out by the garden, but by hand, not with shovels. The soil was really loose though, so digging wasn't a problem. Also the soil was a pleasant (but unusual) red, but not like from blood or anything, more like the color of red velvet cake.

We finished up and went back into the house - and found that one of my cats had died as well (unlike dear Jake, both my cats are alive in real life), and evidently whomever found him (this was unclear in the dream) decided to store him in the fridge. In a plastic grocery bag. And he was in pieces (why???). So back to the garden to dig another (dismembered-cat-sized) grave. I cried as I placed the beige plastic bag into the little hole, and then we covered him with velvety red dirt.

I woke up sweaty with a tight throat.

So anyway, now I am enjoying a cup of tea (my second one today) and watching the rain out on the lake. You know those moments you wish you could bottle and save for another time? What a bizarre, bizarre day.

"I've got my own time;

got it all today"

- Bush "Greedy Fly" -

thought you had all the answers to rest your heart upon

Sunday: Family Guy

Monday: House

Tuesday: American Idol

Wednesday: American Idol

Thursday: Hell's Kitchen / The Office

Friday/Saturday: (stare at each other bleakly)

...

Today I was outside on the back deck smoking a cigarette, talking to my parents, when my wedding ring fell off and slipped between the boards. 30 minutes and a broken coat hanger, a chopstick, some electrical tape, and a bread-tie later - SUCCESS! My ring was safely back on my hand and the universe was set right.

Ok, so it wasn't my *real* wedding ring that fell, it was the shitty one I took to Iraq with me (in case I died and some shifty medic swiped it) but still! Pretty traumatizing. 

Luckily my parents were there on the phone to talk me down from the crisis: "Bend a paper clip!" (none in the house) "Use a bobby pin!" (haven't owned a bobby pin since high school) "Piano wire!" (wtf?)

So now I feel like fucking MacGyver. Rock on.

"well you can pin yourself back together,

to who you thought you were"

- Bird York "In The Deep" -

now I'm bored and old

The most magical moment of my life:

Tree and I went to NYC for Valentine's Day to see Wicked (it was beyond fucking amazing) and wandered around the city for a few hours before the show. We stopped in Central Park and walked through the vastness, checking out (and mocking) statues. [If you've seen my MySpace photos, you've seen some of my work.]

So I was standing checking out a bust of Beethoven, trying to decide whether I should jump the fence surrounding him to get a photo mocking his stern expression (there were a lot of people at the park and I didn't want to get us kicked out) when a squirrel crept up to my left. As I watched with a held breath, he lept up on to the fence and tightroped over to me - and LICKED my fucking HAND. A wild forest animal. Licked. My hand. Itlikedmyhand! Like I was Snow fucking White or some shit! The Squirrel Whisperer? Yes? No?

Do you see? Magical! My heart nearly exploded! Smiley face!

[This is unrelated:]

And, in an ongoing love-hate hate-hate relationship with MySpace, they removed the links to this blog from my page, instead sending clickers to a screen warning them that this blog is (a) phishing for their credit card numbers or (b) spam, or both. I kind of take offense to this. Did someone from MySpace actually go and LOOK at this blog? Maybe they saw my post describing how much they suck and decided to take up arms against me. Ha... you underestimate me, dear naive social-networking site. Mark my words, MySpace fucks, you haven't seen the last of me.

By the way, they never did take down the ads calling me a giant fatass.

"I just want you to know that I

don't hate you anymore"

- Nirvana "Serve the Servants" -

now look at all we've won, with the saber and the gun

Let me start by saying that this is not a milblog. The Army is my life, but not my Life. I have other things capturing my attention, other thoughts in my head that don't have an ACU pattern. Paradoxically, the Army is so BIG in my life, I couldn't possibly separate it from the rest - there would be only little scraps of paper. For either reason (or both), this cannot and will not ever be a strictly Army blog, and I will never register it on milblogging.com or submit a post for The Sandbox. [I am not criticizing either of these sites, they are just not for me.] And while I'm not actively trying to hide this blog from anyone in my past, current, or future chains of command, I'm not actively advertising it either. I just don't think any of those individuals need to know what things make me intimately happy or about my emails from MySpace or which memories I miss the most. 

That said, sometimes things within and about the Army force their way into my consciousness in such manner that cannot be ignored. Currently, this is the alarming dipping into the Individual Ready Reserve (IRR) that is happening more and more as repeated deployments exhaust the traditional active and reserve forces. Until recently I have only read about it in passing - take a look here (13 Stoploss) and here (Army of Dude) for some particularly heart-wrenching examples - but this week I got to meet three Soldiers who are living this nightmare.

I'm a public affairs instructor at a mobilization station that supports OIF. I was recruited for this program because I recently came home from theatre. My MOS (46Q), along with my sister MOS (46R), is in short supply for a great number of reason that don't relate to this post - but I'll spell it out at a later time, I promise. In any case, the units that have been coming through our mobsite have been more and more short-staffed. When my own unit mobilized (and this was in June of 2007, mind you), we'd agreed to fill our vacancies with infantry, forward observer, signal, chemical, aviation, and ordnance Soldiers. Call it desperation, but at least everyone we took with us was a drilling member of the National Guard. No surprise brown envelopes.

This unit we have on ground has three Soldiers who were pulled from the IRR, and not one of the three has a public affairs MOS. They are all 42As, admin Soldiers, with no military or civilian experience in working with the media or operating a professional still/video camera. And worse, there is no time to send them to school to get qualified with their (surprise!) new MOS. So they get to stop getting on with their lives and deploy, and do a job they didn't enlist to do and won't receive adequate training for. We have them for 10 days. Training for 46Q is 60; it's the same for 46R, which these three Soldiers will be expected to perform as in theatre. Here's a fucking camera, now go be like AFN. WTF?

It would be like telling me I had to deploy as a light wheeled mechanic or a laundry/shower specialist or a chaplain's assistant. A Soldier is a Soldier is a Soldier, except not really.

And troubling is the fucking apathy toward Soldiers who face this. Just today I had a conversation with two people referencing the three Soldiers I just mentioned, and one of the responses I got was, and I quote, "I don't feel bad for you Soldiers; you all signed on the dotted line." Are you fucking serious? Maybe I, maybe we agreed to be Soldiers, and it's true, we agreed to a number of sacrifices. But when do these sacrifices stop? These three have done their time in the job field they were trained in. Because they "signed on the dotted line," they now deserve what they get? How about protecting those who have already protected the rest of the country?

And for the record, and for those who don't know me, I'm not in the IRR, nor will I be in the near future, if ever. I'm in my second enlistment contract, and I'm sure I'll do 20 years. I'm not outraged/dismayed for myself, you see - it's my brothers and sisters who serve and have served who I'm worried about.

"oh I must have killed a million men

and now they want me back again"

- Phil Ochs "I Ain't Marching Anymore" -

but somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got too cool

Have not had much to blog about lately, but I hate waiting a long time between posts and then have to type one of those horrid update lists.

Anyway.

I am now exactly (as of yesterday) 6 months into my tour with First Army. I'm now in the narrow window in which a decision needs to be made: do I stay here and continue this thankless mission, or do I move on? I've always believed a door will open when I need it, and I have faith that if I decide to move on from this mission, there will be something else for me. But what? Whenever is the devil you don't know better than the devil you know? Remember when I was looking forward to THIS job??

I'll keep you informed, faithful readers, but I've all but made up my mind already...

You ready for a mindfuck? - I've been home from Iraq 8 months yesterday. EIGHT MONTHS. Iraq used to hang on my lips, wrap around my shoulders, hold my hand - for a time (wasn't it always?), Iraq defined me. I was significant because of Iraq. Do you see that? I was superior because I was there, and all my sarcasm, my mood swings, my snootiness, my dark humor, everything was justified because I was in fucking Baghdad. Now I'm nothing, a regular worthless human. Now it feels a little like a dream. 

...Tell me, why does that depress me?

...

Also - if you hate me for whatever reason I don't understand, if you don't want to talk to me anymore, if you're so caught up in fixing your life that you couldn't possibly have me be a part of it (lest I mess it up like before, right?), please just let me know. Trust me, that will be a million times easier than to hear, "my phone is fucked up" or "our internet got shut off" or whatever. There are no other phones in the greater United States? I think my head just might explode.

"but when I say let's keep in touch

I really mean I wish that you'd grow up"

- Brand New "Mix Tape" -

when are you gonna come down? when are you going to land?

So all the planets aligned to create a pretty good weekend. Saturday Tree had to work during the day so I just puttered around the house - cleaned a bit, organized some things in the bedroom, baked cookies - until he got home.

It'd been, like, forever since we'd been out to eat in a real restaurant, so Saturday night we both got dressed up (peeptoes and my new chic blazer) and went to Jester's out in Bordentown. So nice! There was a jazz duo there, and while we had to sit a little closer to the music than I would have liked, it was very cosmopolitan and very classy. I ordered a Flip Flop to drink. It was delicious.

Today we spent the day working through the house - would you believe that there are STILL boxes we haven't touched since we moved in? But we cleared a number of them and readied another big box to be brought back to Mass for the Salvation Army. We also hung up a few pictures (Tree had been complaining how spartan the walls were) and played with the cats for a while. I managed to get two loads of laundry done, too.

And, today, this:

Yes, that is a person on a dirtbike, riding on the fucking LAKE. True, the temperature hovered just around freezing today, but yesterday it was in the 50s. Can you see in the picture how thin and transparent the ice is? And did I mention he's on a dirtbike? ON A LAKE??

Also, just made plans for Valentine's Day:

Those things cost more than I will admit here, but I've been wanting to go see Wicked for FOREVER - so how could I say no to the 4th fucking row?? I'm superfuckingexcited to go.

So that'll be Blue Man Group for Christmas, and now Wicked for Valentines Day. Perfect perfect perfect. 

:D

"I should have stayed on the farm

I should have listened to my old man"

- Elton John "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" -

I found a dream that I could speak to

Home alone, tv is on (another House rerun), laundry in the dryer, two sleeping cats on the couch, an empty bowl of soup and a glass of apple juice.

I hate this big empty house.

...

Today was productive. I worked out at the Air Force gym, picked up the [redacted], redispatched the GSA, helped the LT work on my NCOER, mailed a card for her, researched MND-N for the next MRX (in February!), started rewriting scenarios. I'm excited! The NCOER reminded me that I'll be promoted in the next few months (I WILL) and gave a little wind to my sails. And rewriting the scenarios (and incorporating suggestions from past AARs) made me feel organized and efficient; I'm three weeks ahead of myself!

Staying busy staying busy staying busy...

...

I'm still feeling crappy about letting the PAOC deployment go, but I think it's for the best. Don't you think so too? I have this little house to take care of, two little cats to take care of, a little husband to take care of. Surely this little life would just rip apart if I were to leave, so that's why I'm staying for now... right?      Right??

"at last, my love has come along

my lonely days are over

and life is like a song"

- Etta James "At Last" -

but I've made long term plans based on these mistakes

Status: mid-afternoon, just out of the shower

Alcohol units consumed: 1 2 3

Weather: snowing

So someone told me today that they have been too "grumpy" to be my friend (in response to me asking why they fell off the face of the planet for the, I dunno, umpteenth time). Yeah, seriously. If I hadn't been trying to slay this dragon of a problem for, like, years, I'd probably be hurt/surprised. Instead I'll just laugh about it here and openly mock this individual and all the reasons why he lets his life suck the way it does. Faced with a problem/challenge/whatever, you can (a) do something about it or (b) do nothing but stop whining. Kthanks.

I did send a sarcastic response to the email which I likely won't hear back to for some time. Fuckin bawwww.

In happier, more interesting news... the new episode of House is on tonight and I cannot fucking wait. I've been watching House reruns on USA to temper my appetite but they are a weak substitute. And I've pretty much given up on CSI now that Grissom left (and Sara, and Warrick), so all I have to look forward to on television is House and The Office.

Oh, and fuck: back to work tomorrow. Joy.

"you never knew

(well I never told you)

everything I know about breaking hearts

I learned from you, it's true"

- Taking Back Sunday "There's No 'I' In Team" -

wear them apple bottoms, wear them apple bottoms honey

Did you know that I'm a bit of a voyeur? Not in the creepy, watch-you-through-a-window-while-I-masturbate kind of way, but in terms of obsessively observing the mundane. I spend hours, hours a day surfing through blogs of people I don't know, reading about their trips to the grocery store and their kid's birthday party. I smile at funny conversations they had at work and grimace at arguments they had with their spouse. I look at pictures of their scrapbooking projects and watch videos of their cat making faces. Do you have a blog? I probably spy on you.

Heh.

Now that I've thoroughly creeped you out...

Dinner last night was excellent: tofu dogs w/veggie cheese (nondairy, but you'd never know the difference!) and sweet potato fries. Tree and I eat a lot of sweet potatoes, which is still weird to me. When I was a kid and had never tried them, I always though 'yams' were the most disgusting thing on the planet. I still don't like the word. Yams. Yams. Gross...

It's bad, though... the more time I spend online looking at horrible PETA photos, the closer I get to a vegan diet. And I don't want that; it's hard enough going out to eat or eating at other people's houses as a vegetarian. While I love what I am doing and am 100% behind the reasons for going meatless... sometimes I wish... I never did. Every single meal is a production. And I suppose this will get easier in time; I've only been here away from DFACs for 6 months, and only living with a kitchen for the last 2. So maybe once we get used to it... but I tell you, I can only eat so many veggie dogs/burgers before the sight of them make me want to puke.

I should probably go do something. It's like 4:30 and I haven't done shit today. Tree is gonna be so pissed.

"shorty don't fake, she'll put it in your face"

- Flo Rida "Elevator" -

have another drink and drive yourself home

Update Medley:

Jan 8 - met with two members of the MPAD to discuss and put to bed the horrorshow of their MRX. They were both very polite, professional, and willing to listen to my perspective of the exercise. They had a few questions for me, offered some explanation for some of the things that had happened (much of it turned out to be misunderstanding/miscommunication), and gave suggestions for MRXs in the future. 

It felt good to talk face to face, in a neutral setting (vs the AAR), and get everything out. I even got a cookie and a coke out of the deal. (Thanks again!) Hopefully we can all put this behind us and meet again in peace someday.

You can read my previous posts on the aforementioned MRX here and here.

Jan 10-11 - traveled back to Massachusetts for Nibbey's birthday and Tree's drill. Nibbey's party was a hilariously great time at Sakura Tokyo (the waitstaff now hates us) with a table full of crazy, amazing people. It was the definition of what I miss about being at home. :(

My unit also had drill that weekend and even though I don't have to attend them (as I'm on Title 10 orders), I went up there to see everyone and remember what Guard life is like. It actually went pretty well; I was part of a group of 5 who went to Camp Curtis Guild for driver's training / PMCS classes. Kinda boring but ok. It was just great to catch up with V and remind the unit what my face looks like, ya know?

One small rotten spot on the day:

When we first arrived in morning, we all spent a few minutes shooting the shit in the lobby area of the armory. Signal R (you may remember him?) walked over, surprised to see me, and shook my hand with the usual "Hey how ya been?" Then he turned to the SGM and said, "Why is she here?" (Mind you, I'm not more than 4 feet away.) He launched into this whole speech about Soldiers getting confused about their chain of command [I currently have two: one in NJ and one in MA] and "playing" the leadership. He told the SGM (I'm still standing. right. there.) that if a Soldier is on Title 10, he or she should just stay put and not mess things up.

The SGM (bless him) kind of rolled his eyes and told Signal R that this tour is not unlike a tour with counterdrug or anything else: you aren't expected to come back for drill, but you are encouraged. Signal R was all "Really?" and the SGM kept on having my back. It was the weirdest thing.

Since there was a(nother) massive storm predicted for Sunday, the SGM told everyone not to come in and to instead make up the day some other time. Safety first, right?

Before I left, I stood in his office and talked about my future. I explained to him how much I'd like to go back for the PAOC mission in Baghdad, and he questioned whether that really was the best thing for my career right now. After all, he reasoned, since First Army is willing to send me to schools that would otherwise be difficult to attend, why not ride it out another year and set myself up to fast track (in promotions)?

It was a great, great conversation. I thought a lot about it as I drove back to Tree's father's house, thought about it some more on the ride back to NJ, thought about it all the following week...

Jan 12-15 - MRX for another MPAD, this one from Texas I believe. We got off on the right foot by having the entire unit and all of the training staff present for the welcome brief, which we rewrote to head off any similar problems we'd had in the past.

They gave us some great suggestions/improvements in the AAR:

- Provide graphics/music for the units to use in their newsreel. (this unit didn't have any, so finishing up the newsreel was difficult for them)

- Provide actual news stories to accompany the scenarios. (good idea; I'm going to write some this week)

- Draft new scenarios. (any officer who has attended PAOQC has already seen our scenarios as First Army had to purchase them from DINFOS, but the LT and I are going to make up some new ones for the next MRX)

- Provide opportunities for radio training (the Rs don't get this at our MRX, mostly because it is difficult to replicate here without a studio... but I'll look into it at least)

I also made note of a few more things to include in the mission brief: What specific training/help do you need from us? Does all of your equipment work? Are there any programs you are unfamiliar with?

It just seems that the unit always has a problem with something but it is never brought to our attention until the AAR, when it's too late to do anything. You only know how to edit using Avid software but your unit laptops have Adobe Premier? We can help with that. Your laptop sucks (1 Beyond is TERRIBLE) and the USB ports don't work? We can get you another laptop. You can't export to tape? Well, obviously you won't be expected to do a DVIDS transmission.

The MRX mission is secondary to getting the unit prepared to deploy. If at any time there is an issue, especially a technical one that is out of the journalist's control, we can pause the exercise and work something out. But we can't help if we don't know we're needed. It's frustrating... I hate that feeling of Trainer vs. Unit. Even though this last MRX went much smoother than the last one, there were still things that came up in the AAR that should have been addressed way sooner. Why does this happen? 

One thing is for sure: working here is no good for my self esteem.  :/

And now, time for a (stiff) drink.

"as if it happening wasn't enough

I got to go and write a song

to remind myself how bad it sucked"

- Brand New "Seventy Times 7" -

I was certain that the season could be held between my arms

I did it. I told the PAOC I can't deploy with them. It's all over.

He said:

Don't apologize. I understand completely... in fact, we had already come to the realization that it would not be easy to have you join us. We do however thank you deeply for wanting to come here and join us. I will pass the message to [the commander] and the rest of the unit. Good luck... and take care of all those PA units that come through Fort Dix. We all appreciate your dedication and professionalism.

Now please, leave me alone for awhile. I need time to cry.

"hand out the window

floating on air

just a flip of the wrist and I'm waving you goodbye"

- Dashboard Confessional "So Long, So Long" -