and it comes to be, that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel...

a barren expanse... lifeless. earth cracked and split like chapped lips, but without blood to convey the agony. nothingness. not even a breeze. not a soul around. my heart.

then... slowly, haltingly, storm clouds begin to form overhead, black smoke against the gray sky. billowing upward, the smoke of my cigarette. it reaches the clouds and multiplies, thick and smoldering. i'm terrified. but their fury brings the promise of change, so i hold my breath and wait. a light rain begins to fall, in a bowling alley. then harder, a downpour, the sound maddening. off in the distance, a figure offers me an umbrella. i think he's about 6'4"...?

and then through my cloudy heart, a single ray of light... a moment... a heart-stopping swirl of hormones and giggles and flesh and love and saliva... a moment that could last an eternity. time freezes in place, and all the individual elements come together in a rush - the hole in the wall, my chain falling from the dresser, clothes on the floor, the red bible, a broken shoe, tattoo-less shoulders, the sound of an invisible shower, reaching for towels in the dark... my lips part to form his name...

then a blinding flash of reality... and me without sunglasses. i've only got these rose-colored glasses that someone once gave me... parked at a gas station. in a red grand am.

...

he asked me... if i were an animal, what animal would i be? i told him a butterfly, but i didn't fully explain why. i'd be a butterfly because they're never sad. they're beautiful, and everyone loves them. and everyone knows that if you touch their wings, they will lose the ability to fly, and ultimately will die. PEOPLE UNDERSTAND BUTTERFLIES. they understand that they are delicate and take care to see that they aren't injured. and once a butterfly has done all it can in one particular place, it can grasp ahold of the wind and fly away to another beautiful place, and everyone understands. because that's what butterflies do. butterflies are only expected to be beautiful and to fly about as they please. and nobody hurts a butterfly.

but i am not a butterfly, and i'm not asking anyone to understand...

"...is just a freight train coming your way"

- Metallica "No Leaf Clover" -

and I swear, you're just like a pill

i should be the fucking photo editor. and i'm so pissed about it, i'm not going to say anything else school-related or else i might put my foot through the monitor.

5 fucking voicemails from Rico while i was at school, and after formation when he called and i ignored his calls, he left another two. it's just great how i used to have to almost bribe him to send me a single text message during the day... and how now that i'm gone he's turned all soft and gentle and "caring." and clingy... SPINELESS! he's a fucking WORM, a PARASITE, all he cares about is what HE CAN GAIN for being with me. he doesn't care about ANYONE except HIMSELF. he's a fucking CHILD, he wants everything handed to him, requiring him to put forth as little effort as possible. how could i be so fucking STUPID?

have to go upstairs... (sigh)

- Pink "Just Like a Pill" -

spend your lazy, endless crazy days inside my head

getting changed after PT and my shower this morning, i checked my phone twice for messages, text or other. there was only a voicemail from Rixo; NOT was i was looking for. so why did i look? (VIP) doesn't have a phone anymore. stupid. but i looked anyways.

later, planning for my feature photo shoot, i thought about going to the commissary to do my assignment... and then about what (VIP) was doing at the moment. tried to figure out a plan for lunch so we could eat together. thought about how i could spend time with him after school.

standing in formation, they were talking about linen turn in and LESs and shit that i didn't pay attention to. i was waiting to get to the computer rooms and onto AOL and talk to him.

left even though i probably shouldn't have, came back and got caught, didn't care. just passing time until 8, when i could get back on the computer and talk to him some more.

still haven't done my shoot...

- Good Charlotte "Motivation Proclamation" -

that's the sound of a bottle when it's hollow

today's lesson: familiarity (is this a word?) isn't always a pleasant feeling.

they were talking about going to baltimore this weekend, our last weekend, and getting smashed together before we all leave. the whole conversation made me kind of sad. he asked me why alcohol must be present to make a significant occasion; i.e. leaving for basic training, new year's eve, valentine's day... it's funny how my "logical" line of thinking was to celebrate graduation with some liquor. but that was my life, that's how i did things. someone's birthday? the liquor store closes at 11. anniversary? let's get so trashed we don't remember anything we did. graduation? i'll call a buyer. boxing day? flag day? kwanzaa? friendship day? day of the week ending in y? bring on the booze.

maybe it's a good thing i'm not 21. less of a temptation, right?

ok now, let's be honest. being underage never stopped me before. and if i really wanted to drink this weekend, being underage wouldn't stop me now. (sigh) i am so annoying. being under 21 has nothing to do with anything. i'm just making excuses to cover the fact that i'm doing something i'm not completely comfortable with.

you know, my conversation with Rico last night was really tragic. we were talking about me going back to massachusetts (this was before i explained my *complete* plan) and he mentioned going and buying all the celebratory alcohol ahead of time. i told him i wasn't so sure about it and to not go ahead and do that, and he lectured me for about 20 minutes for not being interesting. he said that one of the things that had initially attracted him to me, and one of the things he loves about me is how "wild" i am. and how i am "willing to take risks." he basically said that if i cut drinking out of my life, i wouldn't be a good time anymore. i try to make a responsible decision and Rico tells me i won't be entertaining and that it's a bad idea.

he went on to say that i wasn't talking like myself, that it wasn't really me saying all that. (sigh) i'm too tired to rant about how much that proves he's an asshole... i think it's pretty much common knowledge now. wonder why it was always so easy for everyone else to see but it took me 2 1/2 years to begin to realize it.

so then i told him what i plan for graduation and the days following... and he told me he can't talk to me anymore, ever. he told me it would hurt more than he could deal with. we argued until 11, then i hung up on him and shut my phone off and went to bed. this morning there were 6 messages in my voicemail from him.

(shrugs) ...so now what? (blinks)

incidentally, my "comfort cocktail" (emode.com) is a southern sparkler, which consists of 1 1/2 oz of SoCo, 1 oz of grapefruit juice, 1 oz of pineapple juice, and some club soda.

ick.

there. i'm done. happy now, my VIP?

- Eminem "Drug Ballad" -

I'm just a sucker with no self esteem

so there's this person... and... he makes you smile. more than that, though, you laugh so much it hurts your head. you've always been completely comfortable in your depression, but all of the sudden, it's not so appealing. smiling is kind of nice.

he likes spending time with you, which might not seem so remarkable, except you don't think very much of yourself. and because he's so amazing. and you sing in the (public) shower before you leave for the day to see him. and you are so NOT delusional.

you go a whole weekend without turning into a grade-A bitch from nicotine withdrawals... cigarettes just weren't that important. and you only really complained because you felt you had to. because it make you feel better about voluntarily giving them up... because you don't normally do anything for anybody. not because you are selfish, but too many people have tried to change you, and you're tired of being squished into one mold after another. but this is different, this is voluntary. you - gasp! - don't mind changing a little, especially when there's a logical reason to change. and because, for the first time ever, someone cares whether you change or not. it's a new feeling for you.

and you don't want to fight with him, and he's so damn smart. you can have intelligent conversations ad not have to dumb everything down for him to understand. that sounds kind of conceited, but maybe it's more of a reflection of the guys you've been involved with.

ok, so you've made a lot of bad choices in your life. that being sad, how is THIS not an equally bad choice? you could be ruining someone's life. of you two opinions of this, how can you follow the selfish half and disregard the moral half?

but "you," of course, i mean me.

and he's cute. and he smells good. and he's a good kisser.

if only it were so easy to just follow your heart. but murphy's law, right? whatever can go wrong, will go wrong? that's kind of a stretch... what i mean to say is i fucking love how this situation can be so wonderful and so horrible at the same time. the duality frustrates me... "frustrates" is putting it mildly. i want to run away screaming, or break something, or make someone hurt the way i do. and there i go feeling selfish again. it's good to be home.

i'm afraid i'm going to lose someone who actually matters to me.

- The Offspring "Self Esteem" -

drifting and floating and fading away

hmmm... where to start...

friday was frustrating because the plans i had made were cancelled on me at the last minute. thanks Squire. in my annoyance, i called Rico and asked him to come se me. that's kinda shitty, i know... but sometimes things happen for a reason, i think. cliche, i know. my mind is feeling rather lazy tonight, and i have nothing better to offer. IRREGARDLESS, Rico took the time off from work and agreed to come visit. thus began one of the greatest weekends of my life.

Rico got to maryland at about noon on saturday. we drove around aimlessly until 3, when we could check into the hotel. it was amazing, though, because most of our relationship has been spent apart... his (marine corps) basic training, then MCT, then MOS training in california... he was gone for 9 months straight. a year together, then i left for basic in august... and other than exodus and this past weekend, i haven't seen him since this summer. every time we saw each other after time apart, it was always awkward, like we had to get to know each other again. not this time. his lips felt the same on mine, the smell of his clothes was familiar, and falling asleep in his arms was effortless. i loved every second of it.

we spent a lot of the time on the balcony of the hotel room just talking and looking at the sky. there was the most amazing sunset saturday night... i don't always like to admit it, but there's a few ounces of romance to be found in my blood stream. anyways, we DID NOT argue, and it was fucking wonderful. i don't even know how to describe how it made me feel... untouchable... weightless... happy. this was SOOO good for my soul, i can't even begin to explain it. i needed him. i'm going to marry this man.

forgive me for *another* cliche, but as this chapter opens, another respective chapter comes to a close. the Squire and i are so done... i just lack the ability and the words with which to tell him. we were just fooling each other; it was doomed from the start. i'm just sorry that we let it get so far that now it's going to be hard to say goodbye. but i love Rico, i can't do this to him. infidelity is such an ugly thing, i won't put him through it.

courage, anyone??

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Porcelain" -

one baby to another said I'm lucky to've met you

didn't get to finish all i had to say yesterday, so i decided to delete what little i had a start over today. i have design and layout classes all day instead of photojournalism, so i ought to have more time at the computers to write today...

so Rico. my feelings for him are so complicated they don't even make sense to me. and they certainly cannot be summed up in a single word - *love*. i don't like that word, anyways. it is thrown around far too carelessly these days, and people use it  as a tool to manipulate. and it seems more important to buy someone a card and some chocolate rather than develop a healthy, functioning relationship with them. trade chocolate for communication? money for feelings. growing cynical? i think i might be...

back to Rico. i don't like the word *love*, but i guess i don't have a better word to describe it. he is my universe. he makes me feel little and soft, and SAFE. like a girl again. i can talk to him without fear of judgement. i've never felt this way about anyone else. i would trust him with my LIFE. it's so much more than the childish, make-believe relationships i've had in the past, in which being *in love* was more important to me than who the person was. disgusting! but with Rico it's so much different. he is my heart in human form.

but as with all things in life, this is not a perfect situation, although i really wish it could be. we've both changed a lot, and done things to profoundly hurt each other: i had the Squire, he had LH. the fact that the playing field is level doesn't make it any less painful; in face, i think it makes it worse. how could we both be so evil? we promised never to stray. we promised to stay together through everything, no matter what. ugh. two frightened kids clinging together... but it worked! at least for a time. neither of us had anywhere else to go, and while i can't completely speak for Rico, i know that since i've never had a similar relationship, it was that much harder to let go of. nothing is perfect. the honeymoon was over and we got tired of each other. we alternated between the extremes: passion and fury. something had to give. and it did. and that kills me.

(sigh)

Rico and i have always had a way of clawing our way out of the ashes and recovering. we have been doing much, much better lately...

ugh. more to follow.

- Nirvana "Drain You" -

your hair, it's everywhere...

do you think it's possible to wear one's sin in the open? i'm feeling a little transparent today. like i have a scarlet A on my chest, and everyone is looking at me because everyone knows. you can just call me Hester Prynn. i feel like my body is mirroring the ugliness inside my head. ugh. sometimes i can't stand myself.

but isn't this how it's always been? anytime the filth gets to be too much, i release a little of it (consciously or unconsciously) and then i'm fine. i wonder why that is... why must my flaws take physical form? i should set up some road cones and wear yellow police tape... wouldn't that be easier?

body modification... ha, i guess that would be the politically correct term for it. it's kind of mild, though. i don't know whether i'd call the scars on my army body modification... self mutilation? no, because that makes it sound angry. i wasn't angry. i needed to release the demons again. blood has a funny way of clearing the mind. i dove headfirst into my misery and came out clean.

but i don't really want to talk about that. i think i'll save that skeleton for another time.

and my tattoos! the pain was half the fun, wasn't it? but then i guess they weren't really a *sin* in physical form, just a mindset. i wanted to be branded, marked, imperfect. i'm not pure. my tattoos are a source of pride, though. they help define me, i think, and i like them. and i can't remember what my skin looked like without them. the first chance i get i'm going to go get another one.

any now i feel like i'm talking to a wall. how did this entry suddenly become pointless?

- Dashboard Confessional "Screaming Infidelities" -

when I wake up in my makeup

ugh, another THRILLING day at Student Company. 22 days and a wake up... but who's counting?

it is most definitely a monday.

went for an ability-group run this morning, finally. the wind made it slightly uncomfortable, but not too bad. i actually enjoyed the run. at the 7:20 formation we had a *thorough* in-ranks inspection, and even that wasn't very painful. huh. the network was down at DINFOS so we had a two hour delay.. two hours spend with some pointless, time-wasting "training," then off to school. still, nothing earth shattering. went to the dental clinic for my photo shoot, finished that up in about an hour, went to lunch.

ah yes, lunch. the Squire was still in class at 11:30 so i walked to the chow hall alone, but he got there soon after i did. i wasn't very hungry so i had a salad (although i found the quality of lettuce to be unsatisfactory), and the Squire and i talked. i hate how immature he can be, because i know that's not the way he really is. it's just a facade, a mask he wears to keep people from getting too close to him. it's easier for him to hide than to try forming any kind of a meaningful relationship, i guess. and by relationship, i don't necessarily refer to the one violating article 92... i just want to be his friend. it frustrates me that he acts like such an arrogant prick when i know he's really not. i've SEEN how sweet he can be, how selfless and caring. but he has this dr. jekyl/mr. hyde personality that upsets me. one minute he's great and we're having a good time together, and then suddenly he's cold and distant and COMPETITIVE. ugh. that's probably the worst of his moods. does it really matter whose boots are shinier? has our relationship disintegrated that much that our conversations have been reduced to kiwi and neutral wax? WHO GIVES A SHIT? why can't we just talk like normal people??

but i don't care. i lose interest by the day. or, at least i keep telling myself that. 23 more days and i won't have to worry about his drama anymore.

so here i find myself neither pissed off nor elated. i'm just... here. waiting for the axe to fall, i guess. today has been suspiciously incident-free.

ha! maybe i'll start a counter, __ days incident free, like you see posted at construction sites or in factories, __ days accident free. that ought to be amusing.

- Hole "Celebrity Skin" -

sunday, bloody sunday

well. i don't know what to say even to myself to sort this all out and make it "reasonably" understandable to the rational adult.

adult? that would require taking responsibility for one's actions, wouldn't it? ugh. i'm so disgusted with myself. how could i have let it get this bad? how is ti that i can build my world up out of lies and still sleep at night? i've become that person i swore i could never be. i'm taken by the urge to tear out my hair and collapse into tears. but would that solve anything? or would it just give me TEMPORARY SATISFACTION, like every single fucking decision i've made lately?

i need to stop going back in time and look to the future instead. how can you right the wrongs done so long ago? why is it that every time i get hurt i feel the need to strike back, or avenge my broken heart, and punish those who hurt me? even after the mess has been solved... what am i doing to myself? what am i doing to Rico? of all the people i could hurt... why him? i do love him so much, and i've done so much to push him away and break his trust and kill his feelings that it's a wonder he still talks to me at all. i hate myself for what i've done to him.

and what of the Squire? IS IT just convenience? what will happen once i leave maryland and go back to massachusetts? what life am i returning to? and what, exactly, am i leaving behind? so frustrating how he can retreat into his shell and shut me out. it's almost shocking how alike the Squire and i are... both so good at fooling people. but two people constantly hiding and spinning alternate lives are no good for each other. we read each other too well. he's pure evil. i've never met anyone who could see right through me.

but that's not to say the feeling isn't mutual. yea, i know he never left alicia, that he still talks to her and whispers that he loves her and that everything will be ok. but am i angry? no, not really. when you don't set your expectations high, it's hard to be disappointed.

i've had enough of this. i want to be a good person, i'm tired of the deception. and i'm tired of sitting pondering how i became this way because it's no better than not doing anything at all. i've become so lazy. i'm through with this life.

so another evolution... i suppose this must be number five or six for me. strip off the skin, all the evilness, and lie naked and exposed until i can develop into a normal person with functional feelings and a functional heart. i don't want to hate myself anymore. i guess the fact that i recognized this inner ugliness should be some source of hope for me. i guess my heart isn't as frozen over as i'd thought...