you gave me something that I didn't have, but had no use

(grinds teeth)

this is fucking retarded. CF strikes again... this is getting SO old.

...

so Nibbey left this morning... still not sure how i really feel about that. in complete honesty, i feel more than a little betrayed. two weeks without so much as a phone call, then i find out why last night. no one thought to give me a call and let me know Rico was back.

and i'm not sure she would have even told me she was leaving if we hadn't run into her at the mall saturday night. i'd told her she was more than welcome to move in with me in new bedford for the summer... and no? i'm not the one who up and left for a year, HE IS. I'VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME. i dropped what i was doing HOW many times to go to her house, take her away from whatever was going on? that's not even important. i'm not looking to be repaid or anything. i just...

and i KNOW they've been friends for longer than she and i have, but fucking seriously. after all the shit that happened, and she knows about EVERYTHING... what the fuck? and i'm not asking her to choose sides, i'm really not. i would never ask her to do that. i just never expected to by number two to fucking Rico.

i can't describe to you how hurt i am because (a) i really don't think she would have told me had i not seen her and (b) LOOK WHO IT FUCKING IS!

a phone call would have been nice. is that too much to ask for? i'm going to start screaming. i'm going to stand up in the middle of this library and start screaming and throwing shit and the cops are going to have to come and escort me out.

fuck this shit.

...

check for new mail... check for new mail... check for new mail... check for new mail... check for new mail...

sigh...

- Foo Fighters "Best of You" -

maybe I just wanna fly

yeah.

so now my door handle is fixed... the guy at the garage is calling the Mitsubishi dealership today to get me a part to make the window work again. sucks trying to smoke through the passenger window when you're driving. i should just quit.

mmm... was going to say something... was thinking about it all day... YOU SEE?? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON'T WRITE IT DOWN!!

wow, work sucked. but only another 9 days... we'll see where i'm at after that... and yeah, it's a pretty shitty job... still, i'm gonna miss the people there like crazy. i'm gonna miss the craziness, the massive amount of unnecessary work, the redundancy, but mostly the people. i was a little ashamed to admit that fact to Mr. Regular Army... but he smiled and said, "why do you think i'm still in the Guard?"

good point.

wore my hair down today... it's getting so long. remember when all i could do was spike it? (shuders) it's nice to have hair again. and randomly someone asked me today if i surf. yeah. in Massachusetts, all the time.

man oh man... so last night was kinda odd. hung out a bit... CF made a date with me for friday night... ANYWHERE i want. he already knows where i want to go. watched some tv and he ended up staying the night... i dunno... he's fucking bipolar. but last night was nice. and i'm NOT going to base my existence on one night or one weekend or even one month. i'm still leaving in 9 days. and it's just one day at a time... i won't tell you what he said, but things are looking... not exactly up, but at least at a 75 degree angle or so. i dunno. we'll see.

and 6 more days til wednesday... and my soul to squeeze....

"maybe i just want to breathe

maybe i just don't believe

maybe you're the same as me

we see things they'll never see

you and i are gonna live forever"

- Oasis "Live Forever" -

don't look at me that way... it was an honest mistake

oh man oh man... it's... WEDNESDAY!! my most favorite day of the week... payday and _______. couldn't ask for more.

...

stayed at Money's house last night... drove around, watched tv, nothing eventful. he set an alarm for us to go to work for 7... woke up, i took a quick shower, we going in the car and drove to work... and it was only 5:45. somehow he set the alarm an hour earlier than he had to. nice, considering we didn't go to sleep until like 2. i'm fucking dragging ASS right now. that's ok.

work was alright, went by quickly. one of the ladies at work offered to rent me a room in her house so i wouldn't have to move away. i almost wish she'd said something about that BEFORE i made all these arrangements. i dunno... almost time now...

aw fuck. i gotta get going. lost track of time again. sorry this is so dull.

Money said my eyes looked really green this morning.

"sometimes

i forget i'm still awake

i fuck up and say these things out loud"

- The Bravery "An Honest Mistake" -

the weight of my decisions were impossible to hold... but they were never yours

there is something insanely sad about driving past your best friend's house and seeing the FOR SALE sign at the end of the driveway. damn, i'm gonna miss that pool... (sigh)

...

sometimes i wish there was a photographer that followed me around everywhere, taking pictures of moments that will mean much more long after they've happened. not like a lunatic paparazzi-like photographer, just someone who'd quietly follow me and take my picture without being seen. he'd have to be with me every second of the day, though, cause you never know when you're about to do something that will change your life forever. i want a record of those moments, i want to hold them in my hands and look at them and smile and hang them on the fridge. i want something concrete, something i can show people later, when i'm telling a story.

i'm obsessed with documenting things. you must know this by now... i'm still here, still posting, even thought this journal has gotten me into more than a little trouble. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and just HAVE to write SOMETHING, lest i forget by morning... you never know, it could be the most important and relevant and profound thing i'm ever going to think!

or i'll be driving and i'll be spacing out, right, and then suddenly i'll have this idea, this crazy awesome idea, like how to start the first paragraph of that novel i keep meaning to write... and i'll try to just kick it around in my head until i can't stop and write it down... especially if i have to be somewhere, you know? i can't just pull over... and then usually by the time i get to where i'm going, the idea is gone, that first paragraph is still unwritten, still a big question mark.

but when i can, i write down everything. at work, right after i get out of the shower, before bed, while i'm watching The Daily Show... it makes me crazy cause the words are screaming to get out. sometimes when i'm not alone and i'm trying to be quiet, i can hear the thoughts clawing the inside of my skull. i'm not crazy. i just need to bleed these thoughts before they overwhelm me.

i'm going off on a tangent. what i really wanted to mull over is that photographer... wouldn't that be great? i could look at those pictures later and be able to remember EVERYTHING, cause i'd have that visual, and the rest would just fall into place. i'd have everything else, the smells, tastes, sounds... i'd have this beautiful memory, enhanced by the photos... and i'd never forget anything.

so if you could have a photographer follow you around, what photos would be on your fridge?

i've got a couple i want to hang on to. see if you can figure who all is in them.

and i told you i'd warn you: now i'm going to reflect:

it was after school and we had just broken up and i was sitting on the front steps, crying in the sunshine. i called him because he was my best friend then and there was no one else i wanted to see more than him. his older brother drove him to my house and dropped him off and he came to the steps to sit with me. i asked him if he was thirsty and without waiting for his answer, i went into the house and brought out two glasses of Sunny Delight. we sat there on the steps for a long while and he listened to me while i talked and cried. there was a lull in the conversation and he put his drink down and wrapped his arms around me. SNAP.

we were sitting outside on his porch playing scrabble. the movie had just ended and we were talking about what we thought it was about. he was wearing his Eddie Bower tee shirt, the same one he was wearing last summer when i decided i didn't hate him. it was nice outside and he was winning and i lit a cigarette, only the third or so i'd had all day. inside, before the movie ended, i'd put on this silly straw cowboy hat that was sitting on the end-table next to the futon. he smiled at me, out there playing scrabble, and told me the hat suited me. SNAP.

it was hot and muggy and we were standing out on the causeway, it was dark. we were talking about the moon and how pretty is was reflecting over the water, and he said i was like the moon. i thought he was being a little sappy. we looked some more and talked and leaned against the concrete where people always go fishing. we were looking at the sky, and i spotted a shooting star, and pointed, so that he would see it too. he came forward and hugged me and i rested my head on his chest and breathed in the night air and thought that there wasn't a single other place on this planet i would have rather been at that second. SNAP.

he was leaving the next morning and i'd had too much to drink, WAY too much. i was so sick... i've never been as sick as i was then. he found me in his bedroom while the party was going on in the other room, just me and Peace Pipe, sharing a bottle of vodka. he knew i was going to be sick and he picked me up, carried me like a child to the bathroom, where he sat me down next to the toilet. i didn't want to throw up but he was forcing me to drink some milk, i just wanted to lay down and sleep. he was so worried. i threw up a little and rested my head on the toilet seat, trying to calm my stomach. he sat on the floor next to me, his back against the bathroom door, his head in his hands, and he was crying. SNAP.

we had been out that night, at the mall i think, i don't remember, it doesn't matter. it was dark and i had to be back and anyway we were both tired. we were driving thought the gate and i gave him my ID, which he handed to the MP, the MP looked at them and handed them back and we were on post. and he was telling me that he'd never spent time alone with a girl whom he was only friends with. and we were alone, we'd been alone all evening, and i didn't catch what he was trying to say so i asked him, as he was handing me back my ID. our hands touched and he grasped my fingers and held on. i looked over from our hands to his eyes and understood. SNAP.

...

From: _______

to: Starfish1130

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Opposite of guilt

Date: Wed, 25 Feb 2004 9:10:40 PM Eastern Standard Time

I am glad that you blush. That makes me happy. It's not that I am walking on eggshells, it's more like carrying eggs. I know you will hate to hear this, but I think you are fragile. Not little girl fragile. Not weak fragile. Like puppy fragile. You like to play rough, but you still need lots of love and affection. And I want to give you that love and affection. That and kisses.

...

next time you see me, give me a hug.

- Taking Back Sunday "This Photograph Is Proof" -

you're so polite indeed... well I've got everything I need

i think i know the definition of soul mate.

that one person... and in time past, miles apart, lives changed... that one person is still there. a TRUE promise, a promise to never give up... so long and i still mean it. i've never seen someone look at me the way you do, no one has ever made me feel so loved. i've never trusted someone so completely. it's always bee more easy to hate you... but i don't... i understand and i will continue to wait. just passing the time, everyone else has just been a filler to make it go by a little quicker.

i know this all came out of nowhere.

and yeah, it's cliche, but i never meant for all of this to happen... i don't regret one second of it. i saw you and you spoke and i KNEW. it was so hard to concentrate on those stupid lessons... i was overcome by the urge to learn how to juggle... sometimes i drink arizona green tea... and peel off the label like you always do... and i never would have have tried sushi... i loved the swampy car... loved the bobble head on the dash... loved those broken shoes... and your desert cammies... loved watching you play... love hearing you sing... love the late night conversations and the inside jokes and loved knowing you felt the same way i did.

i never meant it when i said i'd do anything for someone.

sure, i've compromised here and there for whomever, giving up little stupid things, choosing to just hide the rest... but i have never been more serious. i'd leave everything. this feeling is one i can't walk away from. i may never get the opportunity to have pure and complete happiness. you make me that happy. you make me want to stop doing all the things to myself and other people that have caused so many problems in my life. you make the drama go away. i don't have to question myself with you.

i want to be able to say these things to you instead of type them and let them be. i want you to understand exactly how i feel... i want to know what you want me to do. and i know you have no answers. but you can't just keep waiting and seeing... you just keep waiting and seeing and then maybe you'll never have to make any decisions, because everyone will just make them for you you. you can't do that. you have to make them yourself.

i sound like a little kid. i've lost all my eloquence. there are no words to dress this up and make it make more sense. i don't understand either. i still can't wrap my head around all that has happened, and how my feelings HAVE NOT CHANGED. you should have faded away by now... it's really something that you haven't.

so i guess i can't tell you what a soul mate is. this has been a very poor definition. i'm sorry. i miss... everything.

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Soul To Squeeze" -

I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear

ah, drill... it's the damn surface of the sun and i'm rolling in the sand with a greasy, burning weapon... my uniform smells like CS and my lungs are still complaining... i've got sandy sweat in my eyes, it's so damn hot... the rounds we have are shit, i haven't ever touched this weapon i am firing with... none of them were cleaned the last time they were used and all are malfunctioning... not enough CLP... not enough water... i'm hungry and i don't want a heater meal... i'm sick of my kevlar... it's heat CAT 5 now... range control reports it's 102 degrees with the heat index... still firing... night fire after this, can't leave the range yet... god, i must smell like shit... my shoulder is sore from firing... i just want to crawl into a lake and die.

i heart the army.

man... gotta go to work...

"cause that's just who i am this week"

- Fall Out Boy "Sugar, We're Goin Down" -

sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key... sing me anything

argh.

here, print this one out:

wednesday: fucked up. a phone call at work that made no sense. lots of cigarettes.

thursday: fucked up? i think. i don't remember. probably nothing.

friday: MORE fucked up. a trip to woonsocket, pizza and soda on the bed... then a phone call and an admission... an apology. a drive in my car, the back porch, the bedroom, a fan in the window.

saturday: the movies? was it saturday? the days are all running in together. the movies (i think) and something else... ??

sunday: breakfast, then the grafton flea market. all the way to the rope swing in douglas, turned back, the apartment... a beard trimmer, the back porch. later, mini golf? but no. my car, another long drive and then nothing.

monday: supposed sickness in the morning, a quick stop in northbridge... burger king for lunch and home depot after work. drove and drove... the bank, home depot, the mall... thunderstorm warning and i didn't have to be alone.

tuesday: woke up late and hurried up 495... uxbridge then providence then dartmouth then new bedford then fall river then back. a clean car, barefoot football, darkness and the drive back. another phone call... the back porch, the bedroom, back again and back again... sleep...

now it's wednesday again.

"you would kill for this

just a little bit

just a little bit

you would, you would..."

- Straylight Run "Existentialism on Prom Night" -

and if you carry on this way, things are better if I stay

THAT was fucking weird. i swear that man has a chemical imbalance.

a few crazy days, some shit i can't talk about here. you want to know? call me. but no more plans for the next few days! as if i don't have enough zany half-developed ideas in the works. i'm going to stay in Maine/New Hampshire. i'm going to Worcester. i'll be on Linden St. i'm staying home and playing with the cats. i'll be in R.I. i'll be with _____. you want me? call me. call me call me call me. and i'll tell you about my nights.

this shit is bananas.

and my phone's ringing... again...

...

oh, and there's a liar in the midst... someone planting scandals... and running around with half truths mixed with what i could be implying... someone coming to me seemingly unarmed (i'm not that stupid, you know)... hmmm... wonder who that could be... (taps chin thoughtfully)

- My Chemical Romance "Helena" -

so close to drowning but I don't mind

god, that was stupid. and yet i don't feel as badly as i know i should. it was a very bad thing that i did. i think what makes it worse is that i enjoyed myself 96% of the time doing it. i feel bad for not feeling bad. no one knows what i am talking about. i'm not sure i'm ready to share. most of you will agree that i've been incredibly dumb and i need to cut the shit right fucking now. i don't even recognize CF anymore. his bloodshot eyes and dopey smile just make me sad. how did this happen? those where the people i laughed at in high school, hanging out at the ETD parking lot (not much difference from a McDonalds in, say, Whitinsville), smoking pot and sleeping around. how did i fall for... trash? but i love it as much as i hate it, in a perverse way. i know i am not like this. it disgusts me. but i want to wallow in it, bathe in the filth, scrub my pores with it until i am clean. i want to know what it is like to change personalities in the middle of a conversation. i want to understand how one can fail so completely to see their potential. i want to know how not to care.

- Green Day "Burnout" -

I tried to say I'd be there, waiting for...

so this morning i painted my nails midnight blue and didn't smudge a single one of them, not one little flaw. i'm pretty proud of myself, not just cause they came out so perfect, but for having the patience to let them dry fully.

you see, it was a really bloody weekend. but it's ok though, i'm still standing, a little bruised but otherwise unharmed. i'm proud of that, too. it's not every weekend you lose 3.25 friends in one swift motion. it's ok, though, i'm fine and we'll be fine. in fact we've never been closer. we spent sunday formulating our plan, not a plan B but THE plan. and whatever skepticism i had was demolished after our 2 hour conversation last night in bed. he did most of the talking, but i can't describe to you how much was accomplished in that time. we're really going to do this.

all but one of you have no idea what i'm talking about. it's ok. there's still so much more planning to do before i'm ready to share our secret with the world.

(wink)

ps do you ever use the popcorn button on the microwave? cause i always look twice when i see a red grand am.

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "By The Way" -

for you I'd bleed myself dry

so i was like seven or eight or so and loved to spend time with my dad. he used to take me to the junk yard with him whenever he needed to find parts for whatever car he was working on at the time. he'd walk through the junk yard looking for a car to pull apart out of and i'd run off by myself, climbing into old school busses and sitting in the driver's seat, pretending to drive through a sea of cars. i wouldn't mind getting covered in dirt or that my jeans would have smudges of motor grease on the knees.

one time while we were there looking for a part an ice cream truck came by and the owner of the junk yard, who was friends with my dad, bought me an ice cream and i thought that was the coolest thing because i've never seen an ice cream truck before, i mean, other than on tv. that's what happens when you live in the rural-ist of rural towns.

i miss hanging out with my dad... (and not just for the ice cream)

- Coldplay "Yellow" -

all I need to know is that I'm something you'll be missing

so the days have been going and going, i've been running on my little hamster wheel, and here i still am, in my little glass aquarium in some kid's room.

recently my scenery has changed. i wake up cold every morning, stiff joints from sleeping on the couch, a hollow feeling from being alone. the floors are always freezing and i echo when i walk.

my mother commented to me more than a few times about my dad being home alone and leaving all the lights on and the tv going while he's using the computer and talking on the phone. it's like he's trying to make the house less empty, as if there are other people in there with him. she said he doesn't like to be alone. i guess this must be kind of hereditary, like a co-dependent gene or something, or maybe it's for that nurture/nature debate, or maybe i'm just a little needy. i leave all the lights on, too. i don't know...

i don't want to do this anymore. i've got no real place to call home.

- Taking Back Sunday "You're So Last Summer" -

so low the sky is all I see

to do:

(in no particular order)

1. see financial aid/business office to square away tuition balance

2. mail out forms requesting GI Bill

3. write check for insurance company, find correct address and envelope, mail out

4. finish take-home midterm for interpersonal relationship class

5. shoot roll of film for class

6. take a shower

7. eat something (maybe??)

8. refill perscription

9. deposit money in bank account

10. continue to search for apartments, make more calls if possible

11. get gas

12. call Nibbey

13. meet landlord and view apartment i found in webster

14. find health insurance provider(s) and request information

15. call unit and verify Nov. drill date

16. email Rico to inquire about account/payment

17. remove alcohol from trunk and store in a to-be-determined location

18. curl up into ball and die

- Metallica "Low Man's Lyric" -

I'm so much closer than I have ever known... wake up

missed my photography class this morning... ugh. oh well. stopped at dunkin donuts on the way and then k-mart and then did some laundry and took a shower. got my tube of haiku lotion that i haven't used in forever and moisturized my legs and felt better.

i'm not wearing a bra right now.

i dunno.

i was kind of thinking about a lot of shit on the ride up here and i've decided a few things need to happen before i can really be ok. we were talking in my car last night and i told him that while i've gotten over Rico, i haven't gotten over...

"what he did," CF said, finishing the sentence i couldn't.

and yeah, he was right. i realized it was exactly the feeling i've been struggling with but have been unable to pinpoint. Rico really hurt me and i haven't healed from it. it doesn't matter that there aren't any emotional attachments to him anymore, i'm still stuck on that FEELING, that vacuum that was created in my heart when everything was revealed. i don't think i've devoted enough time (or really, any at all) to healing it.

i'd love to share the rest with you, i really would, but suddenly i've been grasped by the urge to vomit, like literally. i don't know what's wrong with me. i almost never get sick... actually, i guess i'm sort of due, then. anyways, if you need me, i'll be in the bathroom. i'll try to come on later tonight and finish this.

blech...

- Green Day "Waiting" -

the streets were wet and the gate was locked so I jumped it, and I let you in

what a strange weekend...

i was almost sleeping and he rolled over and touched my army and asked me if i got my phone calls. i asked him what he was talking about, what phone calls, and he told me he thought they were on lines one and two. we were at NC's house. later that night, i'm told, i asked him to go get my some cheese. i don't remember wanting cheese.

he told me he didn't want to fight with me and that december is further away than i'd thought. i think i stopped breathing. i wanted to cry. i didn't say anything, just rolled over so my back was to him and tried to breathe again. he moved over so he was against me and tucked his arm under mine and kissed the back of my neck. i fell asleep.

i asked him about it yesterday and he said he only meant that he wanted to make the best relationship better rather than good. it came out awkward, but i knew what he meant. it was sweet. i told him i loved him and hung up and went to bed.

- Dashboard Confessional "Hands Down" -

a solar system that fits in your eye

spent all morning trying not to think about the sex... and don't even ask because i'm not going to tell you. just know that it was terrible, although i wouldn't admit it to myself at the time (sigh) how do i always get myself into these messes?

in other news, searched for and found tickets to THAT PLACE. you know where it is. i told you i was going. so that'll be a week... now i've just got to find a way to use up the rest of my summer. i can't stay here. i'm suffocating, really. and everywhere i go i'm reminded of him. i don't want to see this sad little town anymore, i don't want to wake up in my little claustrophobic room every morning, i don't want to base my existence around shaw's, i want to be able to go to a mall without seeing half of my graduating class and having to explain to them why i'm not in college yet. if i stay here any longer i'm sure i'll implode. people who graduate from douglas go to college for a year and then drop out, then spend the rest of their lives working for the douglas highway department, or at the ice cream store at Roland's, or at the waterslides. i don't want to be a townie. i want to be someplace where no one knows my name. i want to be ANONYMOUS, a shadow, unnoticed. i want to fade into the background. i want friends, of course, but i want to build my own world. that does no include having my breakups make the front page of the local paper. i want a snug little place where i can retreat and relax, and be happy.

and if i have to travel the country, the world, in order to find it? well i'm ok with that. i shouldn't have to sacrifice my happiness for convenience anymore.

he said i'm going places. i believe him.

...

have to go switch some money around at the bank and then those tickets are MINE!!!

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Parallel Universe" -

but I still don't miss you yet

the computer at my house has a virus, so unit it gets fixed, my entries will be infrequent i'm afraid. sorry to my (dwindling) fan base...

i know it is friday, but let me tell you about my weekend. actually, the weekend itself isn't all that important, it's the details that made a difference.

so i went to cape cod for an assignment with this other guy from my unit. he has a... strange... sense of humor that i still haven't gotten used to. he's a former regular-army type, and the more i get to know him, the more i'm convinced he's got some cross to bear. he kept making mildly-sexist remarks directed at me, but just vague enough to make me wonder if i was overreacting. i'm not sure whether he's my new best friend or if i hate his superior "6 year AFN veteran"-yet-i'm-still-a-specialist guts. he says "bitchin" a lot.

but.

he drives a shitty, nasty car. we stopped at starbucks and he got a coffee, too. he was sad that my frappuccino had chocolate chips in it and he didn't have any chocolate. he ordered his steak medium-rare. we took a long walk through this little outdoor mall (which reminded me eerily of maryland) and talked about books and who should control the nirvana catalogue. HE DROVE PAST A WRONG WAY SIGN IN A BANK PARKING LOT.

i hate him.

someone slap me.

- Three Days Grace "I Hate Everything About You" -

like indecision to call you... and hear your voice of treason

ah yes, NOW i remember what a keyboard looks like.

(waves away dust cloud)

hope this thing still works...

so friday night SloB came back to massachusetts. he's stationed at Fort Drum in NY, but he lived here before he enlisted, and now that he's home from his year in afghanistan, he took leave and drove down here to see his family and friends.

let me interrupt to put out there that i HATE this man, and the only reason his worthless existence even enters my thoughts is because he's friends with Rico and BB for one, and two, he's married to one of my semi-friends from highschool, who is actually closer friends with K-Dawg. so i sort of have to accept the fact that he's alive.

so. friday night and i was at the apartment with Rico and BB and BB's latest weekend girlfriend, and SloB was supposed to be coming over later. i drank a few and fell asleep kind of early, maybe around midnight or so. i had to work saturday morning, so i didn't want to be too hung over / still trashed on my ride to work.

around 3 in the morning i am woken by loud obnoxious drunken yelling from the tv room. Rico sleeps through almost anything, so i punched him until he woke up and told him rather rudely to go see what the fuck was going on. so he got up, opened his door, and yelled down the hallway, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The Noisy Bitch, who was making all the ruckus, proceeded to yell back, "FUCK YOU, DUDE! IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT!" so then he yells back "FUCK YOU IT'S MY GODDAMN HOUSE! BE QUIET OR GET THE FUCK OUT!"

there was continued yelling back and forth between them after that until SloB intercepted. he stood in the doorway to the room we were in and tried to defuse the situation, promising to keep her quiet.

i found out from BB the next night that SloB's idea of keeping The Noisy Bitch quiet was by fucking her in BB's room. niiiiiice.

...

and by the way, i was contacted again two days ago by my Restricted Caller, previously mentioned a few entries ago. except she was posing to be someone else... the (instant message) conversation is as follows:

his sn: HEY

me: omg, hi

his sn: WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

me: not much, you?

his sn: ___ IS PISSED AT ME

me: i coulda told you that after she fucking called me

his sn: i know

his sn: what do you think i should do?

me: about?

his sn: ___

[by this point i had realized that this was not the person they were claiming to be, due to typing style - all caps, then all lowercase - and the obvious lack of... i dunno... personal touch? this is not how you start off a conversation with someone you supposedly care about and haven't spoke to in two months without letting them know why.]

me: prove this is you

his sn: you go by elocin

me: more than that

his sn: like what?

his sn: look if you are going to give me a hard time also, i don't want to talk to you

me: i'm not

me: i just want to be sure you're you

his sn: just forget it

me: no

his sn: whatever

me: what diable2 character do i play with?

me: diablo2*

[long pause, no response]

me: nice try, whomever you are

[another pause, and then:]

his sn: how about the ring? prove anything...?

me: um, nope

me: look, i already told you i'd go away, i haven't called, haven't done anything. so there's no reason to harass me

me: and he ended up with the ring by accident, i sent an email with my address asking for it back, i don't know what else you want from me.

[pause]

his sn signed off at 4:39:00 PM.

the mean side of me thinks i should have played along a little, or maybe told her all the things he's told me and what he's said about her. and maybe i won't have to wear this scarlet fucking A on my chest alone, because damn fucking straight i'm not the only person in the *wrong* here. and i'm sick of carrying the repercussions of our actions by myself.

how's that for a "growling puppy"???

...

ha! my dad just asked me about the scratches on my car, the ones from backing into the plow...

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -

please tell me why... my car is in the front yard, and i'm sleeping with my clothes on

my sister and i washed my car in the driveway the other day when i was relatively warm out (65 degrees) and my dad came outside and sat on the steps and watched. he asked me about a little quarter-sized dent in the hood, and then claimed he could pick out a new dent or scratch on a car from quite a distance, even in the dark.

i wonder, then, how long it will be before he notices that i backed into his plow a few nights ago. for the west-coast portion of my audience, a plow would be an attachment for a truck or SUV which pushes snow off the road, out of the driveway, etc. you know, snow? white and fluffy? cold? falls from the sky?

lol

- Lit "My Own Worst Enemy" -

where are you? and I'm so sorry. I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight

i have always been a strong believer in the idea that you cannot find love by searching for it. i've always imagined it kind of like getting a birthday gift from someone you were sure would forget, or like finding a winning scratch ticket on the ground... like it would just sort of fall into your lap and sit there looking up at you and say, "hi, it's me. it's love. i'm what you've been looking for." except you wouldn't really be WAITING, you'd be completely engrossed in something else, hopelessly busy and probably miserable. and then it would be a surprise.

and this love wouldn't be needy or demanding. and it wouldn't start arguments with you, so you wouldn't need to devote all of your time trying to fix your problems with it. love would be calm, and patient, and let you throw your fits sometimes, and just wait until you were done ranting to remind you how silly you sound. it would call you when it said it was going to, be where it said it was going to, and do what it said it was going to. it would tell you every day how important you are, how beautiful you are, how special you are. the thought of this love would give you goosebumps, set butterflies loose in your stomach, even after so long, even after 2 1/2 years. it would never get sick of you, and you most certainly would never get sick of it. you would wake up every morning feeling this love, feeling loved, and loving the feeling, and loving, just loving... and you'd be happy.

(sigh) those are just sub-beliefs. my core-belief is that love is not something you actively seek out. then WHY am i feeling so fucking needy? why so pathetic? my standards are lowering, i can feel it, and i hate it. i'm desperately LOOKING for someone (and it's turning into ANYone) to love me, who isn't Rico, who actually lets me speak when i want to.

i'm getting off topic. what i mean to say is that i'm disappointing myself by looking too hard and by lowering my standards.

they say the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem... but hopefully now that i've typed this out and cleared my head some, i can get myself back on track. because i don't deserve to be unhappy. someone special told me that and i believe him. and why him and not the others? i dunno. i guess it took a little love.

it all goes back to love.

...

riddle me this: why do i always refer to myself in the second person?

...

tonight i told him, "i hate you."

and meant it.

- Blink 182 "I Miss You" -