little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear

I've... I've been pretty substandard lately. Laziness.

And that's really the thing I hate most about myself, I think. I'm not very good at self motivating. I don't even really feel like writing right now, to tell the truth - but I always feel so much better after I write. Same thing with going for a run. I feel good once I get going, and feel great afterward, but it's so hard to get started. And smoking! I can already feel physically better after 3 or 4 days of not smoking... but putting down the lighter is sometimes too hard.

Ok - enough being negative. What are some good things going on right now?

1. Yesterday afternoon I discovered that I'm not half bad at ping pong.

2. I have moved into transient housing (blech) but the upside is I no longer have a roommate, and my room is right by the pool (yay!).

3. No indirect fire attacks so far today.

4. TOA is tomorrow (finally) and already I'm on a relaxed (read: non existant) work schedule.

5. The photo of me and the CG was waiting for me in my inbox when I got in today!

And now I feel like going swimming... I'll try not to have a cigarette on the way to the pool.

- The Beatles "Here Comes the Sun" -

before she sleeps in the sand

I'm irritated as fuck and I can't find the write today.

I was just thinking - if I ever meet Bob Dylan (doubtful), I will give him a hug and offer him a cigarette. It's rediculous how cool that guy is.

I'll come back to this later. Blahhhh.

- Bob Dylan "Blowin in the Wind" -

it's too late - ready or not at all

Found out today that our TOA has been postponed - now what? Are we ever leaving, or what's the story? This is like the moment of anticipation right before you get a shot - there's the needle, turn away, should I wince yet? Hold my breath... still nothing... look over at the nurse, she's put the needle down and is doing something else - breathe easy for a second, but I know the shot's still coming - oh, she's picked it up again, pulling up my sleeve, look away-

TNM is basically trained. I'm going to (try to) let her do it herself today. I know she's capable - just hard to let go, you know? I've gotten so proficient - I feel like I'm spinning an elaborate spiderweb, or conducting an orchestra - up here, attach a strand, pull down here, cellos - a little louder, weave through these, get this just perfect, dip and weave and hum and create and mix and look! there in the sunshine, drops of dew and music notes have attached themselves to my web - isn't it beautiful? Now take it down, carefully, and tuck it away - a new day and a new symphony-web to create -

I fucking LOVE my job! I'm not good (really good) at many things, but this I am very, very good at. I guess that's part of why I don't want to give it up?

Time to stop stalling and get in the shower. Have to be at work in an hour.

- Green Day "Waiting" -

when I was down, you just stood there grinning

Today - today! Today was fantastic! Today was one day closer to getting the fuck out of this psychotic place. That's not really fair - if I could spend all my time in the MOC and not have to worry about unit bullshit (and all sorts of other bullshit), then I think I could stay here forever. And I really mean that with all of my heart.

I'm actually starting to feel myself getting resentful of our replacements. That's crazy! I want them to succeed, obviously, because the public affairs mission over here is a very important one... but - for example, yesterday, The New Me (from this point forward to be referred to TNM) changed the way I'd been upkeeping the press desk inbox. Granted, my system wasn't perfect, and I was really the only one doing any significant deleting out of the inbox (too long of a process to explain - just stay with me, people), but TNM has been here, what, three days? That's MY inbox, bitch! And that's really how I still kind of feel about it. I keep trying to talk myself down out of it - I'm fucking leaving, this is going to be her show pretty soon - but I'm... having a really hard time with this. I've made such great relationships with so many spectacular public affairs professionals - I want to be special. I don't WANT to be replaced. I'm going to bawl like a little fucking girl on our last day - whenever that is.

And that's the other thing. TNM and TNMD (figure it out) are basically trained up. Tomorrow I'm going to just hang out in the MOC and see how she does. But I still don't know when we're leaving - and I really need to have something to brace myself against. I'm afraid one day we'll get an email from the SGM saying 'pack your shit, we're leaving tomorrow.' I'm not ready! Where did April go? Where did 2007 go? This place is MINE, my fucking HOME, I know how everything goes and what to say and who to talk to and I'mnotreadytoleavenotreadytoleavenotreadyyoucan'tmakemeyoucan'tmakemeleaveI'mnotreadynotreadynotready.

And I hate crying. Why am I crying over Iraq? I've spent the last year of my life crying. I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

This sucks. (understatement) :/ (also an understatement)

Disclaimer: This is unrelated:

If one more fucking person asks me why I didn't answer my phone, I'm going to throw it against the fucking wall. Yes! Yes, I'm a fucking hypocrite, and I don't give a FUCK. I'm here another two weeks or so, maybe less - can I be happy for awhile? Kthanks.

It's Positively Fourth Street, my friend! (look it up)

I'm going out for a cigarette.

- Bob Dylan "Positively Fourth Street" -

a black fly in your Chardonay

Tomorrow we may go swimming. I told him I'd talk to him tomorrow and gave him my email address. Despite all of these things, he came off really genuine, and even a little sweet. He probably even listens to Toby Keith. He didn't say it, but I'd bet he came from a small, blue collar town and believes in hard work and pride. I feel like I should hate him because of how much he loves the Infantry, because he has a tribal armband, and because I'm certain he bleeds red white and blue. He has a really defined jawline. I'm making him sound gay, but he's not gay. He told me I speak really well, and couldn't belive I went to a public school (??) and was very interested in my toenails. He told me about his sisters and confessed that he likes Enya - and Nickelback (shudder). He told me about his job over here and how he used to be in the Marine Corps (he's NG now) and that he enjoys fighting (professionally - if there is such a thing). And anyway, we were just talking. This is just a random guy - I only know his first name. Really, though, I do try very hard to be likeable, and I guess that could be taken as flirtatious (is that a word?). I guess that might be part of it. 63 says I'm too nice to people, that I'm a flirt, and that I need to learn how to tell people to fuck off. Why does this happen to me? I actually had a really nice time. Someone I didn't know came by my place tonight and talked to me for over two hours.

- Alanis Morissette "Ironic" -

if you call, I will answer

it's not that bad - i'll stop before it gets any worse
or
tomorrow i'll quit
or
this is it, this is the last time
or
if it ever feels like this again, it's done
or
or as soon as this is over (just let me get through this), i'll stop
or
one last chance to feel better - i mean it this time

...i think i must know how addicts feel

make excuses, make excuses, make excuses

excuses

excuses

excuses

excuses

make excuses so you don't have to

deal. . . . . . . . . . . .
with. . . . . . . .
reality. . .

the mess you created.

and you know you have no one to blame but yourself.

i have always loved you - this is why you will kill me.

...but if i could, i would go back and take a huge eraser to the day i met you. i thought you had a nice smile. i never asked for this.

- Barenaked Ladies "Call and Answer" -

take your protein pills and put your helmet on

1. Finish packing, throw shit out

2. Train replacement

3. Stock up on cigarettes

4. Take pictures of everything I'd been meaning to

5. Save crap from computer on thumb drive

6. Get everyone's contact info

7. Mail home laptop

8. Clean IBA

9. Finish packing (seriously this time)

10. Stand on the roof one last time

11. Charge iPod and camera

12. Buy more cigarettes

13. Say good bye

- David Bowie "Space Oddity" -

hey man, free rides just don't come along every day

So... probably I'm going to hell over this... (if I'm not already for laughing at the My other car is a VBIED bumpersticker outside the Green Bean... haha, still hysterical) but I'm writing a press release about the mock-street corner-dedication to W and S. You might remember them as the two most broken people in our unit (and that's really saying a lot)... now they will be memorialized at Whatman Square, down the road from the CSH. I hear someone even got a street sign made for the corner. Anyway, I drafted a press release for the ceremony (there will be no ceremony) and changed all the names of the guilty, so if V doesn't post this on our last day here, I will. Although... I'll probably have to fuzz up the unit name some more before I post it, because even with name changes, you could still figure out who I was talking about.

And you know what's surprisingly hard? Writing really good quotes. I can spout talking points like nobody's business, and while they are factually correct (if you ignore the IO), they sound canned. I am incapable of giving a good, genuine sounding quote. I would be the worst subject for an interview because I'd be trying too hard to get the perfect quote, get my soundbite just right, that it would sound fake. I'm starting to notice that I unconsciously slip command messages into my normal conversations now. What is wrong with me? I've been in public affairs too long. Blech.

Also - the live version of "Melissa" by the Allman Brothers is waaaaaaay better than the studio version. Just in case you were wondering.

- The Offspring "Why Don't You Get a Job?" -

let me forget about today until tomorrow

Go away, world. I'm not ready to deal with you today. Go away and shut the door behind you, but gently; I don't want to feel the draft from your departure - I don't want to be reminded that you exist at all. I've cried enough over you lately. Go.

When I woke up this morning I knew I wasn't prepared for the sun, or your harsh criticism. I don't want to see anyone, can't bring myself to form words for you. My heart is feeling too faint, my fingers are tired, and I don't have the energy to talk anymore. I'm too old to play today. My knees and hands are swollen and sad; let me rest awhile.

I just can't take your judgement today - so go away. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel stronger, maybe my friend St. John will have me feeling bolder, maybe it won't seem so bleak, looking out over the destruction and not knowing where to even begin. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to see the horizon... and I wouldn't mind a little of your sunshine.

- Bob Dylan "Mr. Tamborine Man" -

of a runaway american dream

my horoscope for today: "if you are feeling extra sensitive or emotional right now, don't fight it. turn to your loved ones for the comfort you need -- even just a short phone call could make you feel ten times better.

do not worry if you are going through some sad feelings, it's nothing to be concerned about. you are an imperfect human and it is a healthy thing to process all your feelings -- both the positive, 'it's going to be a great day' feelings and the negative 'i don't want to get out of bed' feelings."

ha. you have no fucking idea.

do you realize that i'm 22? when the fuck did this happen? i simultaneously feel like i'm 15 and 50. i'm either slapping myself for being so naive or realizing with horror how bitter i am. where did the last, like 4 years go? i've wasted so much fucking time being miserable, and why? ok... yes... i'll fucking admit it: i LIKE it. miserable is manageable, miserable i can take. miserable is familiar (where did i hear that?) and won't surprise me. it's safe.

but i hate it as much as i love it... does that make sense? i would KILL to be happier, you know? i just can't let go... and ever decision i make seems to go back to misery. is that even possible? even when i think i'm in love... can't embrace it fully unless it fucks me up a little.

and i see that this is only holding me back, i KNOW. i've been trying to turn all this angst and anger into something productive... can you imagine? can you imagine what i could accomplish if i could harness this? the thought... almost... scares me.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

can we please just talk about this? can you stop shutting down every time i try to talk to you about something that is bothering me? i'm going to have a mental fucking breakdown if i can't talk to SOMEONE about this. do you see the way my hands shake? the circles under my eyes? i want to dig my fingers into my eyes until i'm bleeding, can't see, claw my skin raw, slam my head against the wall until i black out. i'm falling the fuck apart.

this is fucking BAD and i can't.. i can't breathe sometimes. it makes me sick, i feel completely helpless and i hate that, i hate that more than you know. me? helpless? who saw THAT coming? i've tried so fucking hard to set myself up so that i don't need anyone for shit. of the most part, i don't... except for this... i can't keep all of this in my head or i'll go fucking crazy, i promise you. can you see what a big deal this is for me to even tell you this? please don't turn your back on me, i just want to talk, please.

i... i can't do this by myself.

...

today i realized something both insignificant and earth-shattering as i was reaching into my pocket for my chapstick. do you know how long i've had this particular tube of chapstick? i bought it before i went to fort dix and started using it probably a month into training. this never happens! usually by now it has either gotten lost or gone through the wash and melted in the dryer. i don't think i have ever, in my entire life, kept a tube long enough to use the whole thing. i can never hang on to chapstick for some reason.

kind of like my men.

...

Rico: i'm not over you. it's been 6 fucking years since you told me you loved me for the first time, and yeah, i really believed you, and that still fucking hurts. you can see the damage in me every single day. i set my heart in your hands so completely - i've never been so open and unguarded with anyone since you. yeah, it was a shitty relationship, but i still believed in the power of loving someone and its ability to solve any problem that arises. even when you were verbally (and eventually physically) abusive with me, i honestly thought it would be ok if only i loved you a little more, a little more... but loving you turned out to not be enough. par for the fucking course, as it would turn out.

what hurts me - crushes me - isn't that you fell for her. that i understand. what fucking destroys me is the fact that you LIED so easily and completely and never ONCE stopped to think about what that would do to me. the day you realized you loved her, the fucking DAY, you should have told me you didn't want to be with me anymore and spared me the next YEAR of agony. instead you told me i was wrong, paranoid, that you loved only me, and even when it was clear as day that you were lying, i continued to lie to MYSELF, like to myself for YOU, so you could have your cake and eat it too. don't you see that? all i wanted was for you to be happy, as the expense of myself. and i was willing to forgive, try to understand, if only you'd been honest with me...

sometimes i really think the day i found the letter she wrote you about the baby was the worst day of my life. i've felt that icy feeling in the pit of my stomach since then, but never like i did that day.

from the bottom of my heart, and with all of my soul: FUCK YOU.

and CF: i can barely bring myself to speak your name. what you did to me is equally unforgivable, but for different reasons. you never loved me but you told me you did, and you never loved her, though i'm sure you told her you did just the same. you stayed with me because it was convenient, and maybe you wanted to get caught, i don't know, you were so sloppy with you actions i can only reason that you didn't care if i found out. you never cared enough to even try to shelter me from the horrible truth, and you let her TEAR INTO ME while i stood there completely defenseless, armed only with your feeble explanation of your behavior. you brought her to our HOUSE, you held her in MY CAR. MY FUCKING CAR. in that way you are worse than Rico, because your actions had nothing to do with love and everything to do with YOURSELF. you never gave a SHIT about me.

but i ignored it, didn't i? ignored what i knew, anyways. and even as i found things out, i'd scream and through shit and yeah, that one time i hit you in the face, and then what? i'd cry and you'd hold me and the next day, a few days later, it was ok, like nothing happened. even as she rubbed my face in it! even as she described the inside of our apartment, or gleefully told me how you couldn't keep your hands off her when you ended up at her house after we'd had a fight, or how she met you every morning at work and brought you a coffee only minutes after i'd dropped you off, or recounted in sickening detail the threesome you had with her and rick the FIRST FUCKING MONTH WE LIVED TOGETHER, i fucking LET IT GO. how fucking STUPID was i to keep going back for more? i don't know who i hate more, you or myself.

NEVER, NEVER AGAIN.

...

so where are you? prince charming? where you hiding?

are there any truthful, faithful guys our there? hello? hello??

honest... LOYAL... MINE.

and... AND i want someone to know the rootless life i am going to lead, and be ok with it. can you really see me standing in the kitchen with an apron on, a plate of cookies in my hands? meeting you at the front door with a kiss? that isn't me, i can't be the one to sit at home and wonder what the fuck is going on. there will be no two car garage, white picket fence, golden retriever. i'm not sure i even want a house - or kids - at all. i'm not even sure i should be in a fucking relationship with anyone, nevermind try to settle down anywhere. my life is too fucking short to sit anywhere. i've already lost too much time. i want to chase you around the world and be chased, i want to wake up in a different city as soon as i've learned my way around the last one.

i thought i'd come close to an understanding, a heartbeat in time with mine, but it turns out the closer i get, the farther away it seems i am. you cannot find yourself in another person and think that's it, there's your refuge. is there really a light at the end of the tunnel? i'm beginning to think there isn't.

i'm always running, always jumping through the hoops, always trying and hoping that my efforts will pay off in the end... and you look at me like you don't even know me. i look in the mirror and i barely know myself. i should be deliriously happy with this life i've been afforded, with the result of my sweat. i could go anywhere from here, and i will, make no mistake. i just want someone to come with me, travel and grow and BURN with me the way i have to. it's a waste of a day if i don't feel, at least once, like my heart is going to explode. i can't stand stagnancy, i won't ever allow myself to be tied down. so yeah, maybe i'll NEVER be satisfied! there are a dozen places i need to LIVE, a thousand places i need to SEE, a million things i need to DO. can you keep up with me? i'm starting to doubt that you can. i can't afford to lose any more time, i should be spiraling off in another direction, miles and miles from here. can you hold my had from across the world? i can already feel your fingers starting to slip.

so maybe... maybe i really am better off alone.

and maybe it's time to start dealing with the reality of just how fucked up i am. i could run until i can't breathe, drink until i can't stand, crawl in the sand after the shadow of MY american dream, and bathe myself near clean with the useless tears i've shed, and NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING will absolve me of my sins against MYSELF. i've ever done anything to you but LOVE you and that was never enough. how can i compare? SHE is so beautiful, so perfectly shaped, so smart and lovely, everything you want, SHE makes you light up like no one else, obviously, because she's STILL THERE, still looming in the background, just out of sight. and what have i been, the good times girl? my plain, lumpy self, a head full of problems... what was i really expecting?

how was it to know that you could have us both if only you'd learned the right words to say to me? and no matter what i do, no matter how much of myself i cut off and try to give to you, i'm always 2.

SHE has been different every time, but i'm always the same.

worn thin and aways 2.

so tell me - what is there to do but run?

"...someday, i don't know when

we're gonna get to that place

where we really want to go

and we'll walk in the sun..."

- Bruce Springsteen "Born to Run" -

well I guess I should have heard of them from you

i cried for a long fucking time tonight... took a walk and cried the entire way back to my room, cried until i couldn't see straight. i made it back and stood outside my door a second to catch my breath and i almost threw up. my chest ached (still does), my knees were weak (still are), my eyes felt like bruises (still do).

you don't understand (neither do i)... i started crying for NO FUCKING REASON, none at all. my day went EXACTLY the way i feared it would one say... and then there i was, crying so hard i couldn't breathe. it was just a day. just an average fucking day.

and the more i walked, it was like every injustice that had ever been done to against me, every shitty thing anyone has ever said to me, every time i've ever been lied to, cheated on, stabbed in the back, kicked while i was down... it all came crashing down on me and i literally couldn't stop the snowball... and then not only did it mow me down, it threw the gears in reverse and flattened me again.

and as much as i knew i was just feeling sorry for myself, i couldn't stop. a pity parade in my honor, and i was marching along right out front... with a baton and a whistle and that stupid hat those people who lead parades always wear.

what kills me the most... and maybe i'm wrong in thinking this way... is that i consider myself to be a generally good person... and the cheating was the worst... because not only did it happen, did i ALLOW it to happen in a couple instances, did i ignore the signs, look the other way... the worst part was afterward, when my heart stopped pounding and my head cleared a little... and then there i was, wanting a hug, trying to think of some way this could be made up to me, thinking of that they'd have to say to make it alright. realizing this tonight made me cry even harder.

i told him to get the fuck out, or i took off, or whatever... and then an hour later all i wanted was to crawl into his lap and be held while i cried, CRIED OVER HIM. cried over how stupid i was? is someone who treated me so badly, laid next to me every night, lied right to my fucking face, even WORTH my tears? shouldn't i be burning all his shit and steeling myself against the pain?

i have a high tolerance for physical pain, but when it comes to emotional pain, it always seems easier to go back to the source and try and live with it than to push away and move on. so is that a fear of change? i guess.

i guess part of it IS routine (i've been thinking about this all night, so be prepared for my epiphany). seeing someone every second of your day, sharing all your thoughts, pouring your entire self into the relationship... eating, sleeping, and breathing another person... ad then to find out you love them SO MUCH MORE than they will EVER love you, so much that they would do something so horrible as to betray your trust and throw away all the work you've put in, so willing to discard you as if you were worthless... guess i was. it was always easier, lazier, safer to just stay, no matter how bad it was... not as scary as never having someone to hug and kiss and love. every guy i've ever been with has felt like the last... so after all this and despite all the dishonesty, i can't very well be ALONE, right?

so maybe there's something i can do to make this better, make you want me, make you love me as much as i love you, or even almost as much, half as much? i think i could settle for that. i think if i love you long enough and hard enough it will be good enough for the both of us, and as long as you promise not to ever leave, you can do what you want to me and i'll always be right here, maybe screaming how much i hate you, maybe crying and crying and crying, but rest assured, i'll be here.

you're broken and you treat me like shit and you don't deserve me but i love you anyways. when you're done stomping on my heart, i'm going to pick it up, dust myself off, and hand it back to you.

so yeah, part of it was routine, but most of it was just love and the fact that i always fall so hard, so fast... sometimes for the wrong person. i mean, very OBVIOUSLY the wrong person, right? if you're going to have someone else move in with you while i'm away at training, if you're going to use my fucking car to go visit your exgirlfriend, if you are going to keep naked pictures of your ex on your laptop and lie to me about it, lie to me about everything... you don't deserve a SECOND of my time.

and the fact that i was more willing to swallow that than to try to find someone who appreciates and loves me the way i deserve... that's probably the biggest tragedy of all. tonight as i walked home, i realized just how much i'm not over this... i'm not over it at all. i'm never the one who leaves, and every time i've been left, i stuffed it in a little box and vowed never to look at it ever again.

maybe that's why it's happened to me so many times.

i'm going to go to bed now... but first, i have a beautiful scrapbook to look through again... i've been neglecting it the way i've been neglecting all this baggage i'm carrying... but i'm trying, i really am, to get my head straight and stop fucking everything up. it's so easy to just say, "whatever, i'm so fucked up" and just use that as an excuse for everything... but really its just being fucking lazy and not dealing with reality and with your responsibilities. i'm NOT a princess, i understand this, oh i understand this more than you know.

"...i'm waiting for blood, to flow to my fingers

i'll be alright when my hands get warm..."

- Dashboard Confessional "The Best Deceptions" -

I said, "someday you'll understand"

my life these days is the most bizarre thing i have ever seen.

earlier tonight (yes, i am 8 hours ahead of those of you on the east coast) i went swimming in one of saddam's pools. a poolside dj played hits of the 80 (it's that an oxymoron??) while my Battle and i floated in the shadowy warm water, staring up at a PERFECT moon through the palm trees. a group of guys played volleyball next to us and people along the pool smoked cigarettes and laughed to each other.

before we went swimming, i ate a ridiculously good chicken wrap in the dining facility, and Battle and i walked back to our rooms to get our towels along the carved-stone walkways, eating ice cream cones.

how can i even tell you about this? how can i make you see how it isn't what you thing, it isn't what I thought, either. i feel so guilty enjoying this... people are our in such worse conditions... and here i am drinking lattes in the palace, not wearing any body armor, not worrying about IEDs along the road i take to work or car bombs going off in the parking lot... sure, there is the occasional mortal, but it's NOTHING like it is elsewhere. the environment here in the embassy compound is a professional, white-collar one. can you understand how i could come to love this place? i can feel myself slipping, getting comfortable... here in iraq. iraq. iraq.

and the palace... my god... how could someone ever LIVE like this while his people are struggling in such poverty? i saw the pictures from the first invasion of the insane wealth, i'm sure you have too... it's so much different when it's right here in front of you. much of the furniture was stolen or destroyed in the beginning of the war, but a scattering of ornate couches and chairs remain. the walls, the marble floors, domed ceilings... you know what? there is nothing i can say that will help you to understand. my words are failing me; i am incapable of painting a picture for you to see, to touch and smell and taste. this place is nothing like i have ever seen, nor anything i could have ever imagined. you see the pictures and you think you understand, but you don't, trust me, you don't.

it must have been like a sinister disneyland, only instead of mickey's face everywhere, it was saddam, all saddam... statues and posters and murals, huge portraits now covered with drapes in the palace. where does such arrogance come from? how could he watch the parades he forced his people to hold in his honor, oversee the construction of yet ANOTHER palace? how could he sleep at night knowing there was such a stark difference between his life and the life of those in his country? and the deaths he ordered...

it makes me embarrassed for mankind.

and i have realized how little i knew (and still know) about the world. it boggles my fucking mind.

"...well, i'm here to tell you now, each and ev'ry mother's son,

you better learn it fast, you better learn it young

'cause 'someday' never comes..."

- Creedence Clearwater Revival "Someday Never Comes" -

and we could talk about forever for a day or two

oh fuck yes.

so ok, this has been an insanely crazy fucked up ride. these past three weeks have whipped by and i'm still out of breath from the race to keep up. i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. i'm crazy happy... and yet a part of me still gets defensive over that. i shouldn't have to justify my friggin happiness, you know? no one has to understand but me, and for a good part of it i don't. and that's ok. it matters not what i'm doing, or where i'm going, it's the people i'm spending time with that make the difference, and those people i wouldn't trade for the world. in such a short time i feel a lot more like family than i have in a long long time. and this time, it's all me, i'm not "Rico's girlfriend," just an accessory for his ego. these people hang out with me for me.. and that means more to me that you can imagine. i've done so much in the past few weeks that i wouldn't for anyone else... and i fucking love it. i can't friggin wait for halloween, no drama this time!

in fact, no more drama ever! Tree makes me feel so incredibly happy, the things that he does for me and the way he looks at me and what he says to me. i've never met anyone so willing to give so much of themselves to someone they don't even really know. he's just plain amazing... don't know what else to say. don't know what the future holds. but i'm happy with the way things are and are going... ;)

Nibbey ; you are the bestest friend i could ever hope for, and i'm so happy that everything is ok with us again. and to think, you started off as a friend of a friend... now you're the closest friend i have. i wouldn't have wanted to have miscarriages and bloody socks with anyone but you (haha). thanks again for everything, for still being there when i need to vent and for always offering a shoulder to cry on. i laugh so much with you it makes me want to puke. it might not sound like it, but that's a good thing. :)

and i still miss CF, i really, really do. i can't listen to country songs without thinking of him, and i had to take all the pictures down and put all his clothes away. i drove around for a couple days with a picture of the two of us on my dashboard, but now it just makes me too sad.

"so before you go and turn me on

be sure that you can turn me loose"

- Dierks Bentley "Lot of Leaving Left to Do" -

the silence in black and white falling forward as she walks toward the light

...so it's done.

and we cried and cried and held each other and cried some more... but it's done.

we were laying on his bed and i was crying and he rolled over and said, "hey, calm down, i'm not breaking up with you right now." and i said, "i know. i'm breaking up with you."

he kind of sucked in a breath.

he asked me if it was really what i wanted to do, if i understood that now there's no going back to us... and i said yes, and he hung his head but didn't beg me to change my mind. he pulled me into his lap and told me again and again how much he loves me and how he really knew this had to happen. he apologized for ever letting shit get fucked up, and told me how he wished we could have been good from the start. he wiped my tears on his sleeve and stroked my head and cried and cried. he wanted me to stay the afternoon so we could talk but i told him i couldn't, and he understood. my god, i love him, i really do... we just can't keep doing this to ourselves. we just can't be together anymore... and if i didn't do it, it was only a matter of time before he did. i want to be happy again, i want him to be happy. we cried but there were no hard feelings. when i left we were both still crying, neither of us wanted to let go... but we did. he kissed me goodbye and hugged me tightly and then stepped back so i could go.

it was the best breakup i could have ever hoped for.

(tears)

i think i need some time to myself now.

- Hawthorne Heights "Niki FM" -

wishing to be the friction in your jeans

argh...

so a few psycho 15+ hour days at work and now they've told me: GO HOME. ha... it's only been open since friday and already the wareham shaw's is starting to feel like home. and i've befriended the necessary management so that my time there will be easy and worry free. gotta get in with the right people, right?

what the fuck dude. for a second i felt really cool being able to say that, but then i realized i was talking about SHAW'S supermarket. i'm so fucking lame it kills me.

but anyways.

got back from wareham and talked to my Nibbey and decided to ditch out on the whole car-pooling to drill idea (don't really care to see Regular Army Guy right now anyways... i've had more of his condescending, better-than-you attitude than i can take... which is considerably awkward, considering i live with the guy...) and go visit some old friends back home. it ought to be good for me. lately i've been feeling a little confused and disenchanted about a certain situation... sing along if you know the words... (sigh)

but yeah so i'm gonna get my ass in gear now before all the beer is gone. kidding. or am i??

maybe i'm just waiting for a reaction.....................??

fuck (sigh) yeah... whatever.

- Fall Out Boy "Sugar, We're Going Down" -

but it's not just my finish that's peeling, and it's not alone fleeing these walls

oh dashboard... we meet again...

ok, so i know i have problems, issues i need to work out. i understand this, and it's not that i don't want to deal with this, i do, just not everything all at once. i can only hold so many things together at the same time before i start to come apart at the seams. sometimes i think i need to just run away from everything i have here and there and all that i've ever known... and just start over. and YES, i would miss a lot of people, and YES, i would think about coming back all the time... but jesus fucking christ... how many times do people have to let me down? no, more importantly, how many times after i'm let down will i get back up and ask for more? this is such bullshit, i know it is, i've always known it is. some things are just to good to be true and it's only a matter of time before you realize what's hiding underneath that killer smile. and you'd think that once i realized it i would have gotten the hell out of there. and yet i didn't. at least then i would have had a shred of dignity left. now i just feel like day old left overs. "i'm gonna take this home cause i'm SO gonna eat it later, for real this time!" yeah, my leftovers always end up in the trash, too. that was a really poor metaphor. i guess i just don't know what i'm talking about. i guess what i mean to say is that it isn't fair, that i deserved some sort of warning, i shouldn't have the whole world raining down on my head all at once. i'm not as fucking strong as you think i am, as i pretend to be! i have spots that my shell doesn't cover and you always find them. like a turtle on its back. it's all there for the taking. see this heart? it's still fucking beating. it's still beating and i'm still stupidly here and still waiting, for something! waiting for i don't even know what. waiting for a solution to a problem i don't even understand. maybe there's no solution because there's no problem. maybe there never should have been the chance for a problem to arise. i knew it didn't feel quite right. now i don't even know what to do with my feelings, not that i understand them. i don't know what to do right now, i'm like suspended in midair and i can't figure out how to move away. i need to get out of this fucking place. i thought an hour away would be far enough but i was wrong. i need to be 10 million miles away from here. i need to be away so that i don't ever have to hear your name again. i don't know what i could have done to inspire so much hatred, but whatever i did, i'm sorry. i sincerely hope that it's just your way of dealing with... everything.

all i know is that i cried tonight, A LOT, and that's gotta mean something.

doesn't it?

- Dashboard Confessional "Turpentine Chaser" -

if you want it, come and get it, crying out loud...

oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man!!!

so i found the tickets online today...! didn't do terrible else, i'm afraid... like the laundry i had all ready in my car, or going for that run i was planning on this afternoon... although i DID paint my nails BRIGHT friggin orange, very festive, don't you think? maybe a little early, but i don't really are. what else did i do?? oh yeah, Mr. Regular Army and i walked downtown to go to this farmer's market which ended up being pretty sad, actually. there were only three, er, farmers there. kinda lame.

and so you know what the tickets mean... my diet starts TODAY. cause now i have a dress to wear and everything. i'm gonna borrow one of S.D.'s cause she's the coolest. fuck... i'm so friggin nervous, too. it's been... shit, it will be two whole years in march. i don't think i look THAT much different from then... well, my hair is shorter, but other than that... fuck... i dunno. i'm like worrying myself sick. i'm not worried about how i look, i'm just plain nervous to see him at all, you know? like i don't even know how to react to seeing him for the first time again. i mean, do i just wave hello? shake his hand? casual hug? tear his clothes off? what do i do?

and what the fuck am i going to wear? (ok, that sounded really girly... but considering the situation, i think i'm allowed) i don't want to look like i'm trying too hard. so hair up or down? maybe just up, kinda messy, like i wasn't trying? i should probably get it trimmed before i go. and i totally need to get my eyebrows done. so hair up? earrings? or is that overkill? cause i never really wear earrings, only sometimes one in the cartilage of my left ear. and no jewelry. not that i really own any (don't even get me started). fuck! there is NO NEED for me to be freaking out about this. but you have no friggin idea how long i've waited for this. and it seems that all my preparation has left me... sadly unprepared. i don't know what to expect at all. i mean, the way it was left off the last time i saw him... but that was so long ago, and things are somewhat different now... and my nails will surely be bitten down to bloody nubs before i get off that plane.

i'll be there nov 8-15, if anyone is interested... fuck, i can't wait that long...

well, gotta run, cause it's almost 11 and i have like a million crunches to do before bedtime. and i need to work tomorrow morning... and my eyes are burning. and i'm just a big baby. ;)

also, FUCK GAMESTOP.

...

A quaS eafoaM 19: gay

ap0llo2113: ur gay!

A quaS eafoaM 19: your mom is gay

A quaS eafoaM 19: betcha didn't see that one coming

ap0llo2113: yes i did!

A quaS eafoaM 19: ................i was being sarcastic

"i'm kicking though the autumn leaves

and wondering where it is you might be going to,

turning back for home.

you know i'm feeling so alone..."

- David Gray "Babylon" -

she swears that soon she'll be coming back forever

so Mr. Regular Army and i finally finished the first season of Veronica Mars... which ended on a cliff hanger, of course. and the next season doesn't start until the 28th. bitches... two whole weeks away... they're gonna be tough.

...

there's a cat sleeping behind the computer monitor as i'm typing this. fucking adorable. :)

...

i remember this commercial i saw a few years ago about getting tested for AIDS and shit... actually, it might have been a Herpicin commercial, now that i think of it. but anyways, in the commercial, the infected people were all walking around with bright yellow shirts on that said HERPES or something on the front in big black letters, their disease known to everyone who looked at them. and the point of the commercial was, "wouldn't it be nice if it were this easy?" or something like that, i'm paraphrasing as usual. i might even have the commercial all wrong, but the POINT is that it got me thinking (just the other day, so many years after i saw this commercial), i wish there were shirts for EVERY infection, especially mental ones. don't you think that would be a good idea?

you can see it if you try, big black letters on yellow:

I'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN THE CONVERSATION, I JUST WANT TO FUCK YOU AND THEN NEVER CALL YOU AGAIN.

or

AS SOON AS YOU'RE GONE FOR MORE THAN A WEEK, I WILL CHEAT ON YOU WITH A GIRL I JUST MET AND THEN MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY WITH HER AND NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.

or

I'M A SLUT AND I'M IRRESPONSIBLE AND CANNOT BE TRUSTED WITH ANYTHING AND EVENTUALLY I WILL FUCK YOU ON THE RENT AND THEN ONCE YOU'VE LOST INTEREST IN ME WILL I FINALLY DECIDE TO ACT LIKE A BOYFRIEND.

or

I AM INCAPABLE OF MAKING DECISIONS FOR MYSELF AND WILL TAKE ALL MY AGGRAVATION OUT ON YOU AND THEN SHRUG IT OFF BY SAYING, "THIS IS HOW I'M GONNA BE."

why don't you pick out your fucking shirt.

i think i deserved some sort of warning for the unacceptable behavior i was subjected to. FUCK YOU. fuck you if you've ever done anything other than be a good person to me. fuck you if you've ever hurt me by not telling me something or by telling me something that wasn't true or by NOT SAYING ANYTHING AT ALL. fuck you for hurting my feelings or making me wait or letting me believe in a life i didn't have. bad shit happens, BIG FUCKING DEAL. that does NOT give you the right to use me as your personal punching bag, as if my life has been all cotton candy and starry eyes and hand holding. maybe if you've been here all along you'd understand all the shit i've been put through.

and it's long like i can talk to you about it now. i don't want the lectures and i don't want you getting all condescending every time i bring up a mistake i've made. fuck you for not listening and understanding. or at least trying to.

and that's all ok, right? cause everyone has a right to be angry and everyone has a right to just fly off the handle and say a bunch of shit they might consider apologizing for later on. so no harm, no foul?

that's what i fucking thought.

...

(sigh)

and the search for tickets continues.

"on the other side of town a boy is waiting,

with fiery eyes and dreams no one could steal.

she drives on through the night anticipating

cause he makes her feel the way she used to feel..."

- Eagles "Lyin' Eyes" -

I do believe it's true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes

the cats are going crazy. it's funny to watch them zip around the house. they chase each other and wrestle and break things and i laugh. and Mr. Regular Army isn't here to soak them with the sink hose, so they can be extra crazy if they want. it's tough to be a kitty.

...

a longish conversation with someone last night before i crawled into bed... aw fuck... i don't know what to say. it's so wrong, but i enjoy him way more than i should. and everything he said last night, i really did appreciate, but he has no idea what's happened. i think (i know) i could have been so much happier if i'd met him first. i wish it i didn't matter!! (sigh) i'm just being stupid. i've been taking everything too seriously... but damn, i have so much fun with him. i thought crushes were supposed to end when you got out of highschool.

and i almost stole his sweatshirt. almost. :(

...

it was supposed to be monday and now here it is wednesday. i'm running out of things to do to keep busy. i painted my fingernails PINK last night and colored my hair a little again. today i have to drop a uniform off at the dry cleaners... yay. so call already!

...

work til 8, but then later tonight Mr. Regular Army and i are watching another couple Veronica Mars episodes. i'm embarrassed, but that show rocks my socks.

- Death Cab For Cutie "Soul Meets Body" -

and this is the moment that I live for

ugh, drill this weekend. can't wait for that fights over the AAR for AT last month. and it's too late now to tell them i can't go. i friggin hate the army. and i have to be absolutely PERFECTLY squared away this month, too, since i made such a big deal about the unprofessionalism of the senior enlisted during AT. such a shame, too... i totally don't have the motivation to do all that shit. they don't deserve it. i think i just might take off my rank in protest.

also, pool PT on the training schedule for sunday?? is someone joking??

...

so some strangeness in the past few days...

a new friend who's just enough emo without being annoying, a new card game, and the realization that i suck so much worse at cards than i thought (but still not as bad as CF)...

a new set of responsibilities at work and the promise of a raise, the opportunity to get a second job so that i can start saving hardcore (sigh)...

a REASON to save in the form of a cell phone number, an adorable little voice, and some paperwork (finally)...

an evening with Cin watching family guy, eating ice cream, and talking about boys, love notes, kissing, and everything else girls are supposed to talk about (incredibly random!!)...

a phone call out of the blue today, craziness back home, and pretending nothing ever happened (never felt so good)...

a house to myself (where the hell is my roommate??)...

a set of 10 dark blue toenails.

- Story of the Year "Anthem of our Dying Day" -

I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words...

an hour on the phone last night and i remembered why i wanted it in the first place. i mean, i guess it's normal to wonder, after so long, after NOTHING for so long... i'm not saying i doubted it, i was just worried that the feeling wasn't mutual. and i was scared to think i was holding on for the sake of holding on... cause this is what's keeping me going, and what if i was just waiting simply because i needed something to hope for? don't think that thought didn't cross my mind. but last night made me feel better, and he didn't want to get off the phone. went to sleep feeling lonely, but more complete.

it's just that he makes me crazy, i still can't stop thinking about him. Regular Army Man always finds some way to pick apart everyone i've ever dated, had a crush on, slept with, thought about maybe talking to, looked at for more than a few seconds (and so forth)... and still, my V.I.P is the only one i'll ever defend. ...that sounds kinda shitty. does it? but when you consider the calibur of men i usually end up with... i dunno. i suck at explaining things like this. what i mean to say is he's the most amazing person i've ever met... i want to be a good person again. and he makes me forget all the shit that's happened to me since i last saw him, cause none of it even matters. it hurt real bad but it was nothing, i was just passing the time. and i could walk away right now with no hard feelings. i could walk away right now without thinking twice. i really want this, i really want it all to work out the way i've been praying it will. this is all i really want for me. that time, for those few months... i've never been so happy in my life.

there are so many ways i could say, "he's the only guy who..." so i'll just say this: he's the only guy.

so consider this my "preemptive strike."

"so excuse me forgetting but these things i do

you see i've forgotten if they're green or they're blue

anyway, the thing is, what i really mean,

yours are the sweetest eyes i've ever seen"

- Elton John "Your Song" -

slow things down or speed them up, not enough or way too much

i've got this weird feeling in my stomach... something is going to happen very soon and i don't feel the way i should feel, the way he expects me to feel, the way i tell him that i feel. i feel like my insides are bouncing inside me, swarming and dispersing, hitting the walls of my skin and bouncing into chaos. i'm made of pure electricity. i'm going to be torn in two.

i'm hurting. this is not easy for me... my heart has been stepped on too much, i'm so sick of crying, so sick of being lonely. i always feel like i'm the only thing holding all of this together, and that can apply to a number of situations. i hate to feel like i'm the only one who really cares. i try and try and try, at the expense of my own happiness, to ensure the happiness of others. (CF) told me the other night at the airport that i can't always try to take care of everyone all the time. when he said it i was already angry, but now i kind of understand.

still, what can i do? i know what i want and i don't know how else to go about getting it. give up and never know what could have been? for surely i can't rely on the other to keep things together. someone knows what i'm talking about. it may not be what you think. i can explain when i talk to you.

(sigh)

i keep checking my mail by the way. i want to know what i should do now. i'll need to get some money set aside... but i will make this happen. i've waited so long for this to happen, i won't lose the chance because i don't have the funds.

also, i have a date of sorts tonight.

"spare me just three last words,

'i love you' is all she heard.

i'll wait for you, but i can't wait forever..."

- Hawthorne Heights "Ohio is for Lovers" -

my bedside is cold, for I am gone

got an email today that stopped my heart. if only i could just tell you how perfect the timing is. still, can't bet on anything just yet. it's so hard to control myself right now - and it wasn't even that big a deal! i'm going to burst at the seams. and i've decided to quit smoking... after this pack i'm done. i know this isn't the best time to try to quit considering all that is going on, but... it needs to be done. let me just add that you don't even know the half of it.

...

someone said my smile causes cancer. actually, i think i said that in response to a compliment someone gave me about my smile... something about rolling it up and smoking it. whatever.

...

two weeks and counting... sigh...

- All American Rejects "My Paper Heart" -

were you born to resist or be abused

faithful readers, fear thee not! for i have returned, if but only for a moment, to fill you in on the life you're glad you don't have.

i actually don't have much to say... really just working, with a side of driving... sprinkle in a generous helping of air conditioning, add a black cowboy hat, a dash of taco bell, two small grey cats, pour in evenly a few family guy episodes and blend until smooth. serve chilled with blonde hair dye, a jedi knight, and five pillows for decoration. viola! you have my life. best if washed down with something very alcoholic. cause i know i do.

that last part there was a lie. sometimes i miss the liver i used to have but it's still ok to pretend.

i'll try to give you a more comprehendible version of the events since the last time i graced this website:

1. new bedford isn't as bad as i thought it was, or as i made it out to be, or both. i actually kind of like it. you know, when people aren't getting all shot up. i think maybe i'll stay here afterall. for now. i need to find a good sushi place, though. it's been awhile. also, the cape is absolutely beautiful... that beach we were on, near CF's parents' house, i don't even know where it is, was breathtaking. i can't wait to get those pictures developed.

2. the shaw's i'm working at now is sort of ok, too. when the new store opens in wareham and the service desk manager goes to work there, i'll get her spot - a pay increase and 40 hours again, which will be nice.

3. the kenny chesney concert was really fun, but long. we just about died out there in the sun. i enjoyed gretchen wilson's set the most, and she is my hero. keith urban is much more attractive than i expected. and foxboro stadium (i refuse to call it by its newer, corporate name) is beautiful and i definitely want to go back there for a patriots game sometime this season. hint hint.

4. i despise myspace and deeply hate myself for continuing to have an account. someone (coughtomraffertycough) added me as their friend and then deleted me like 3 days later and won't look at me when we're at work together. and, against my better judgement, i gave you a chance to forget the fight and talk to me again. your stubbornness is funny to me, but i'm not going to waste my time on you anymore. also, anyone who posts half naked pictures of themself is really, really sad. no one wants to see your flabby abs. come on now. have some fucking self respect.

5. KATIE BUG - i saw that sign today, and i'm taking it down. BARBI - i miss you and i wish i could see you before you go. you'd better keep in touch the whole time you are gone. and you'd better by like and E7 by then. POOKS - i'm not avoiding you, i tried to call you today, you didn't answer, call me back. MY KNIGHT - i miss you too! you should come see my house, and the kittens, and then take them home with you. ICYFYERESS - your baby is beautiful and i love getting the pics in my inbox. thank you for being so supportive. JEN-BO - if you read this? i want to see you before the summer is over. give me a call. also, i noticed the maxima is for sale... :( AMANDA-PANTS and K-DAWG - where have you been? i miss you guys... NIBBEY - i'm coming to your house today. you will have no way of knowing that. YOSHI - an hour away is just that, an hour. not the end of the world. and you never call, either. stop being lazy. i saw you today and you didn't even care. that makes me sad. VIP - so glad you're back in the world now. and i'm still plotting the escape.

6. my new favorite color is light green, and i dyed my hair again. also, i need glasses. the kittens ate my favorite pair of sandals and i had to get a new pair, which i hate. i'm sick of reeses peanut butter cups. it's really friggin hot outside.

7. monday is my birthday.

- Foo Fighters "Best of You" -

cause if I'd never seen your face...

i don't know what i'm doing anymore. i feel completely helpless. i don't know how it happened, but suddenly my whole life is in a tailspin, and i'm helpless to get myself stabilized again. this is not how it was supposed to be. i feel completely suffocated, like my environment is stagnant. i'm always restless wherever i'm at, anxious to get onto the next thing, when usually i don't have a next thing. i hate the routine. i'm so sick of driving and working and smoking butts and sleeping a few hours and waking up tired and driving again. i don't know what i want anymore.

two days ago i had a long conversation with CF and he cried a lot, so did i. he cried and told me how he was feeling, how he has no idea how he was feeling, how he wanted to understand how he was feeling. he said he's going to try to get some help, he hopes his insurance will cover at least some of it, he just needs a professional to help him sort out the mess in his head, and that he needs me to stay with him while he's working himself out. but really, i'm all out of strength to give him. i need to take care of myself. all my life i've been like a sponge, soaking up all the wrong in other people around me, taking in every shitty thing they've ever done to me and normalizing them all. i can't fucking take it anymore. i can't absorb any more of it.

i can't help him to understand himself because i don't know who i am. i don't know where i'm going or how i'm going to get there. i don't know what i want, i don't know what the FUCK i'm doing. i don't know how to make myself happy anymore. all of the sudden i don't have any answers. i can't just go on doing whatever, living like normal, hanging out with people and having fun and getting shit done for myself. i've lost the motivation to even breathe. it always feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. am i having panic attacks? i don't even know what's wrong with me. i fucking hate everything now.

i hate new bedford, i hate the drive to get here, i hate wanting to leave all the time.

i hate my new shaw's, i hate all the brain dead people i have to work with, i hate my new apartment, i hate having to sleep alone, i hate the fucking kittens and having to worry about them all the time, i hate having to take care of myself. i hate having to do my own laundry and having to pay for it, too.

i hate having bills and i hate not having any money, i hate having to ask for help all the time, i hate wishing i could go back to senior year and do everything all over again. i hate wondering if i could move back in with my parents and hate the thought of moving back in with my parents. i hate that CF lives with his parents now.

i hate wanting to move to california and being afraid i'll never get there. i hate knowing there's a distinct possibility that there's nothing out there for me.

i hate the blackstone valley, i hate seeing people i went to school with who are now successful and happy. i hate not having any friends. i hate knowing people are out having a great time and haven't thought to all me to see if i wanted to come along. i hate a certain someone who left for the summer and still hasn't bothered to call to let me know she's ok. and i hate knowing that she'd just say, "well the phone works both ways" because I'M not the one who left. i shouldn't be the one to call.

i hate my stupid phone and how it's broken again, i hate not being able to get up and leave whenever i want. i hate how nothing ever goes my way. i hate being hungry, i hate having to eat, i hate wanting sushi every night and not getting it.

i hate not having any good pictures of myself.

i hate country music and how i listen to it all the time and how much of a poser i feel like when i pull up someplace with the windows down and the music up. i hate missing emo and not missing emo. i hate feeling disloyal to WBRU.

i hate how it's been almost a whole week and still nothing, no word, no emails or phone calls and i STILL don't know what happened. i hate how you always say you'll get a hold of me and then you never do. i hate waiting and wondering what you're going to do. i hate how you're noncommittal about EVERYTHING.

i hate being stuck in this fucking rut and not knowing how to pull myself out of it. i don't know what the fuck i'm doing! i have no direction! i want to just run away from everything and start over, but then i don't even know how to do that, or who i'd want to start over as, or where i would go, or how i would get there. i can't stand not having all the answers. i just want to be happy and i don't know how to do that for myself anymore. i just want to be irresponsible and go and do whatever and not have to worry about the consequences. i want to be 16 again. i don't even know if that would solve anything.

and i hate how you all think i'm whining when i'm really on the verge of a nervous fucking breakdown and don't know what else to do. i'm falling apart. i can't breathe.

- LeAnn Rimes "Probably Wouldn't Be This Way" -

and I keep my Christmas lights on, on my front porch all year long

you should all be ashamed of me. i'm going to see kenny chesney on the 23rd... and K-Dawg - can i still borrow your hat? and how much would you love me if i managed to get it signed, too?

...

what the fuck? how are you going to leave me hanging like that? you can't just start telling my something so important and then stop before you get to the ending. i don't care HOW busy you are. there is no excuse for this. and you're on friggin vacation now. call me or send me a damn email to let me know what's going on, even if it's nothing, at least i'll know.

...

there's a big monitor that hangs on the back wall of the service desk at my new store, a closed circuit television wired to the camera next to it. if you stand in front of the service desk, you can watch yourself on the screen. in full color. in like high-def. it's creepy. i miss the grainy black and white screen in the bookkeeping office in whitinsville. i try not to stand in front of the monitor here - i don't want it looking at me. i stand in the corner of the desk when there are no customers, out of view of the television's cold eye. it's there to deter would-be thieves or whatever, to stop people from robbing the desk. every time i turn around to get a customer a scratch ticket, i briefly wonder if i'm going to get shot in the back.

so four days ago a guy got shot over by monte park, at acushnet ave and russell street, during the fireworks display. that's walking distance from my house. i'm not really sure how i feel about that. i was driving home when he was getting shot, three times to be exact. new bedford is a funny town; the little cluster of old-timey mansions that my house is in is right next to the ghetto. i grew up in COWTOWN, ok? i've never had to worry about people busting caps all over the place. this is rediculous. i want to go back to riding one of my cows down to the general store to get food and whatnot. enough of this city living.

and i haven't even been here a month... (sigh)

...

oh and i'm back in Brandy and Monica mode again...

- Gretchen Wilson "Redneck Woman" -

close your eyes and I'll kiss you

wow... so...

and happy 4th.

...

this will be dull. i will not apologize. i am tired and i have to work in the morning.

so yesterday was one of the greatest in a long time... got to be a little redneck for the day (but now my poor shoulders and face are red!), saw an asshole c-list country singer perform a couple songs... but really it was the people that made it fun. went to Indian Ranch for the first time... man oh man. and some zany guy tried to teach us how to line dance. K-Dawg, Amanda-Pants, Sassafras and i had so much fucking fun... and i didn't even know any of the guy's songs. stuck around and then the pissed off American Idol wannabe signed my wife beater... left them and ended up at a bowling alley with CF. bowled three games ($35 friggin dollars later...) and went back to his house. i'd been nursing a headache all day, but almost as soon as we were in his room, i was just blindsided by it. my head hurt so bad i couldn't see. ended up staying at his house (there was no way i could drive like that), left this morning for new bedford. did some shit, drove back to whitinsville, chilled with CF and cleaned some more of the uxbridge apartment, my cell phone died. now i'm back in new bedford, tired as fuck, and i'm going to sleep now. maybe tomorrow i'll tell you all the things that were said today.

and i got a (real) kiss goodnight.

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Scar Tissue" -

you gave me something that I didn't have, but had no use

(grinds teeth)

this is fucking retarded. CF strikes again... this is getting SO old.

...

so Nibbey left this morning... still not sure how i really feel about that. in complete honesty, i feel more than a little betrayed. two weeks without so much as a phone call, then i find out why last night. no one thought to give me a call and let me know Rico was back.

and i'm not sure she would have even told me she was leaving if we hadn't run into her at the mall saturday night. i'd told her she was more than welcome to move in with me in new bedford for the summer... and no? i'm not the one who up and left for a year, HE IS. I'VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME. i dropped what i was doing HOW many times to go to her house, take her away from whatever was going on? that's not even important. i'm not looking to be repaid or anything. i just...

and i KNOW they've been friends for longer than she and i have, but fucking seriously. after all the shit that happened, and she knows about EVERYTHING... what the fuck? and i'm not asking her to choose sides, i'm really not. i would never ask her to do that. i just never expected to by number two to fucking Rico.

i can't describe to you how hurt i am because (a) i really don't think she would have told me had i not seen her and (b) LOOK WHO IT FUCKING IS!

a phone call would have been nice. is that too much to ask for? i'm going to start screaming. i'm going to stand up in the middle of this library and start screaming and throwing shit and the cops are going to have to come and escort me out.

fuck this shit.

...

check for new mail... check for new mail... check for new mail... check for new mail... check for new mail...

sigh...

- Foo Fighters "Best of You" -

maybe I just wanna fly

yeah.

so now my door handle is fixed... the guy at the garage is calling the Mitsubishi dealership today to get me a part to make the window work again. sucks trying to smoke through the passenger window when you're driving. i should just quit.

mmm... was going to say something... was thinking about it all day... YOU SEE?? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON'T WRITE IT DOWN!!

wow, work sucked. but only another 9 days... we'll see where i'm at after that... and yeah, it's a pretty shitty job... still, i'm gonna miss the people there like crazy. i'm gonna miss the craziness, the massive amount of unnecessary work, the redundancy, but mostly the people. i was a little ashamed to admit that fact to Mr. Regular Army... but he smiled and said, "why do you think i'm still in the Guard?"

good point.

wore my hair down today... it's getting so long. remember when all i could do was spike it? (shuders) it's nice to have hair again. and randomly someone asked me today if i surf. yeah. in Massachusetts, all the time.

man oh man... so last night was kinda odd. hung out a bit... CF made a date with me for friday night... ANYWHERE i want. he already knows where i want to go. watched some tv and he ended up staying the night... i dunno... he's fucking bipolar. but last night was nice. and i'm NOT going to base my existence on one night or one weekend or even one month. i'm still leaving in 9 days. and it's just one day at a time... i won't tell you what he said, but things are looking... not exactly up, but at least at a 75 degree angle or so. i dunno. we'll see.

and 6 more days til wednesday... and my soul to squeeze....

"maybe i just want to breathe

maybe i just don't believe

maybe you're the same as me

we see things they'll never see

you and i are gonna live forever"

- Oasis "Live Forever" -

don't look at me that way... it was an honest mistake

oh man oh man... it's... WEDNESDAY!! my most favorite day of the week... payday and _______. couldn't ask for more.

...

stayed at Money's house last night... drove around, watched tv, nothing eventful. he set an alarm for us to go to work for 7... woke up, i took a quick shower, we going in the car and drove to work... and it was only 5:45. somehow he set the alarm an hour earlier than he had to. nice, considering we didn't go to sleep until like 2. i'm fucking dragging ASS right now. that's ok.

work was alright, went by quickly. one of the ladies at work offered to rent me a room in her house so i wouldn't have to move away. i almost wish she'd said something about that BEFORE i made all these arrangements. i dunno... almost time now...

aw fuck. i gotta get going. lost track of time again. sorry this is so dull.

Money said my eyes looked really green this morning.

"sometimes

i forget i'm still awake

i fuck up and say these things out loud"

- The Bravery "An Honest Mistake" -

the weight of my decisions were impossible to hold... but they were never yours

there is something insanely sad about driving past your best friend's house and seeing the FOR SALE sign at the end of the driveway. damn, i'm gonna miss that pool... (sigh)

...

sometimes i wish there was a photographer that followed me around everywhere, taking pictures of moments that will mean much more long after they've happened. not like a lunatic paparazzi-like photographer, just someone who'd quietly follow me and take my picture without being seen. he'd have to be with me every second of the day, though, cause you never know when you're about to do something that will change your life forever. i want a record of those moments, i want to hold them in my hands and look at them and smile and hang them on the fridge. i want something concrete, something i can show people later, when i'm telling a story.

i'm obsessed with documenting things. you must know this by now... i'm still here, still posting, even thought this journal has gotten me into more than a little trouble. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and just HAVE to write SOMETHING, lest i forget by morning... you never know, it could be the most important and relevant and profound thing i'm ever going to think!

or i'll be driving and i'll be spacing out, right, and then suddenly i'll have this idea, this crazy awesome idea, like how to start the first paragraph of that novel i keep meaning to write... and i'll try to just kick it around in my head until i can't stop and write it down... especially if i have to be somewhere, you know? i can't just pull over... and then usually by the time i get to where i'm going, the idea is gone, that first paragraph is still unwritten, still a big question mark.

but when i can, i write down everything. at work, right after i get out of the shower, before bed, while i'm watching The Daily Show... it makes me crazy cause the words are screaming to get out. sometimes when i'm not alone and i'm trying to be quiet, i can hear the thoughts clawing the inside of my skull. i'm not crazy. i just need to bleed these thoughts before they overwhelm me.

i'm going off on a tangent. what i really wanted to mull over is that photographer... wouldn't that be great? i could look at those pictures later and be able to remember EVERYTHING, cause i'd have that visual, and the rest would just fall into place. i'd have everything else, the smells, tastes, sounds... i'd have this beautiful memory, enhanced by the photos... and i'd never forget anything.

so if you could have a photographer follow you around, what photos would be on your fridge?

i've got a couple i want to hang on to. see if you can figure who all is in them.

and i told you i'd warn you: now i'm going to reflect:

it was after school and we had just broken up and i was sitting on the front steps, crying in the sunshine. i called him because he was my best friend then and there was no one else i wanted to see more than him. his older brother drove him to my house and dropped him off and he came to the steps to sit with me. i asked him if he was thirsty and without waiting for his answer, i went into the house and brought out two glasses of Sunny Delight. we sat there on the steps for a long while and he listened to me while i talked and cried. there was a lull in the conversation and he put his drink down and wrapped his arms around me. SNAP.

we were sitting outside on his porch playing scrabble. the movie had just ended and we were talking about what we thought it was about. he was wearing his Eddie Bower tee shirt, the same one he was wearing last summer when i decided i didn't hate him. it was nice outside and he was winning and i lit a cigarette, only the third or so i'd had all day. inside, before the movie ended, i'd put on this silly straw cowboy hat that was sitting on the end-table next to the futon. he smiled at me, out there playing scrabble, and told me the hat suited me. SNAP.

it was hot and muggy and we were standing out on the causeway, it was dark. we were talking about the moon and how pretty is was reflecting over the water, and he said i was like the moon. i thought he was being a little sappy. we looked some more and talked and leaned against the concrete where people always go fishing. we were looking at the sky, and i spotted a shooting star, and pointed, so that he would see it too. he came forward and hugged me and i rested my head on his chest and breathed in the night air and thought that there wasn't a single other place on this planet i would have rather been at that second. SNAP.

he was leaving the next morning and i'd had too much to drink, WAY too much. i was so sick... i've never been as sick as i was then. he found me in his bedroom while the party was going on in the other room, just me and Peace Pipe, sharing a bottle of vodka. he knew i was going to be sick and he picked me up, carried me like a child to the bathroom, where he sat me down next to the toilet. i didn't want to throw up but he was forcing me to drink some milk, i just wanted to lay down and sleep. he was so worried. i threw up a little and rested my head on the toilet seat, trying to calm my stomach. he sat on the floor next to me, his back against the bathroom door, his head in his hands, and he was crying. SNAP.

we had been out that night, at the mall i think, i don't remember, it doesn't matter. it was dark and i had to be back and anyway we were both tired. we were driving thought the gate and i gave him my ID, which he handed to the MP, the MP looked at them and handed them back and we were on post. and he was telling me that he'd never spent time alone with a girl whom he was only friends with. and we were alone, we'd been alone all evening, and i didn't catch what he was trying to say so i asked him, as he was handing me back my ID. our hands touched and he grasped my fingers and held on. i looked over from our hands to his eyes and understood. SNAP.

...

From: _______

to: Starfish1130

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Opposite of guilt

Date: Wed, 25 Feb 2004 9:10:40 PM Eastern Standard Time

I am glad that you blush. That makes me happy. It's not that I am walking on eggshells, it's more like carrying eggs. I know you will hate to hear this, but I think you are fragile. Not little girl fragile. Not weak fragile. Like puppy fragile. You like to play rough, but you still need lots of love and affection. And I want to give you that love and affection. That and kisses.

...

next time you see me, give me a hug.

- Taking Back Sunday "This Photograph Is Proof" -

you're so polite indeed... well I've got everything I need

i think i know the definition of soul mate.

that one person... and in time past, miles apart, lives changed... that one person is still there. a TRUE promise, a promise to never give up... so long and i still mean it. i've never seen someone look at me the way you do, no one has ever made me feel so loved. i've never trusted someone so completely. it's always bee more easy to hate you... but i don't... i understand and i will continue to wait. just passing the time, everyone else has just been a filler to make it go by a little quicker.

i know this all came out of nowhere.

and yeah, it's cliche, but i never meant for all of this to happen... i don't regret one second of it. i saw you and you spoke and i KNEW. it was so hard to concentrate on those stupid lessons... i was overcome by the urge to learn how to juggle... sometimes i drink arizona green tea... and peel off the label like you always do... and i never would have have tried sushi... i loved the swampy car... loved the bobble head on the dash... loved those broken shoes... and your desert cammies... loved watching you play... love hearing you sing... love the late night conversations and the inside jokes and loved knowing you felt the same way i did.

i never meant it when i said i'd do anything for someone.

sure, i've compromised here and there for whomever, giving up little stupid things, choosing to just hide the rest... but i have never been more serious. i'd leave everything. this feeling is one i can't walk away from. i may never get the opportunity to have pure and complete happiness. you make me that happy. you make me want to stop doing all the things to myself and other people that have caused so many problems in my life. you make the drama go away. i don't have to question myself with you.

i want to be able to say these things to you instead of type them and let them be. i want you to understand exactly how i feel... i want to know what you want me to do. and i know you have no answers. but you can't just keep waiting and seeing... you just keep waiting and seeing and then maybe you'll never have to make any decisions, because everyone will just make them for you you. you can't do that. you have to make them yourself.

i sound like a little kid. i've lost all my eloquence. there are no words to dress this up and make it make more sense. i don't understand either. i still can't wrap my head around all that has happened, and how my feelings HAVE NOT CHANGED. you should have faded away by now... it's really something that you haven't.

so i guess i can't tell you what a soul mate is. this has been a very poor definition. i'm sorry. i miss... everything.

- Red Hot Chili Peppers "Soul To Squeeze" -

I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear

ah, drill... it's the damn surface of the sun and i'm rolling in the sand with a greasy, burning weapon... my uniform smells like CS and my lungs are still complaining... i've got sandy sweat in my eyes, it's so damn hot... the rounds we have are shit, i haven't ever touched this weapon i am firing with... none of them were cleaned the last time they were used and all are malfunctioning... not enough CLP... not enough water... i'm hungry and i don't want a heater meal... i'm sick of my kevlar... it's heat CAT 5 now... range control reports it's 102 degrees with the heat index... still firing... night fire after this, can't leave the range yet... god, i must smell like shit... my shoulder is sore from firing... i just want to crawl into a lake and die.

i heart the army.

man... gotta go to work...

"cause that's just who i am this week"

- Fall Out Boy "Sugar, We're Goin Down" -

sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key... sing me anything

argh.

here, print this one out:

wednesday: fucked up. a phone call at work that made no sense. lots of cigarettes.

thursday: fucked up? i think. i don't remember. probably nothing.

friday: MORE fucked up. a trip to woonsocket, pizza and soda on the bed... then a phone call and an admission... an apology. a drive in my car, the back porch, the bedroom, a fan in the window.

saturday: the movies? was it saturday? the days are all running in together. the movies (i think) and something else... ??

sunday: breakfast, then the grafton flea market. all the way to the rope swing in douglas, turned back, the apartment... a beard trimmer, the back porch. later, mini golf? but no. my car, another long drive and then nothing.

monday: supposed sickness in the morning, a quick stop in northbridge... burger king for lunch and home depot after work. drove and drove... the bank, home depot, the mall... thunderstorm warning and i didn't have to be alone.

tuesday: woke up late and hurried up 495... uxbridge then providence then dartmouth then new bedford then fall river then back. a clean car, barefoot football, darkness and the drive back. another phone call... the back porch, the bedroom, back again and back again... sleep...

now it's wednesday again.

"you would kill for this

just a little bit

just a little bit

you would, you would..."

- Straylight Run "Existentialism on Prom Night" -

and if you carry on this way, things are better if I stay

THAT was fucking weird. i swear that man has a chemical imbalance.

a few crazy days, some shit i can't talk about here. you want to know? call me. but no more plans for the next few days! as if i don't have enough zany half-developed ideas in the works. i'm going to stay in Maine/New Hampshire. i'm going to Worcester. i'll be on Linden St. i'm staying home and playing with the cats. i'll be in R.I. i'll be with _____. you want me? call me. call me call me call me. and i'll tell you about my nights.

this shit is bananas.

and my phone's ringing... again...

...

oh, and there's a liar in the midst... someone planting scandals... and running around with half truths mixed with what i could be implying... someone coming to me seemingly unarmed (i'm not that stupid, you know)... hmmm... wonder who that could be... (taps chin thoughtfully)

- My Chemical Romance "Helena" -

so close to drowning but I don't mind

god, that was stupid. and yet i don't feel as badly as i know i should. it was a very bad thing that i did. i think what makes it worse is that i enjoyed myself 96% of the time doing it. i feel bad for not feeling bad. no one knows what i am talking about. i'm not sure i'm ready to share. most of you will agree that i've been incredibly dumb and i need to cut the shit right fucking now. i don't even recognize CF anymore. his bloodshot eyes and dopey smile just make me sad. how did this happen? those where the people i laughed at in high school, hanging out at the ETD parking lot (not much difference from a McDonalds in, say, Whitinsville), smoking pot and sleeping around. how did i fall for... trash? but i love it as much as i hate it, in a perverse way. i know i am not like this. it disgusts me. but i want to wallow in it, bathe in the filth, scrub my pores with it until i am clean. i want to know what it is like to change personalities in the middle of a conversation. i want to understand how one can fail so completely to see their potential. i want to know how not to care.

- Green Day "Burnout" -